I'm pretty lost in life, does anyone else feel like you're stuck on a hamster wheel?

Questions and Comments
#1

So I started running Sanguine again and I think this is why it’s coming up. But I was thinking about my job and my skill set and working in general. I would say I’m a reasonably intelligent person, but I have a serious problem with apathy to hard work unless the payoff is extraordinarily good. So it’s kinda like advance my IT skillset → make more money → have more security → then what? I’m starting to feel like I’ve substituted my own inner ability to generate that feeling of security and peace inside myself with external circumstances. One of which is a job where someone at the top holds all the ability to let me go on a whim. Thats not the best place to be if internally I don’t feel safe. That’s how I ended up staying at this current job so long. Ughhhhh. Like a crappy parent child relationship.

It’s just, I don’t get it. I love music, if I was better at it, if I could make money off it, that would be my life 24/7. That’s always been the one thing that sparks joy in me, but even with that I struggle. I just always feel average compared to everyone around me, never excelling at anything. I’m so detached from typical jobs. I really struggle with making myself valuable skill wise because I just do not care. I can’t compete with those who are super into studying and learning. But I don’t want to put energy into that because again what’s the payoff for me? A house? Better pay? None of these things spark motivation in me, enough to justify trading that time away. Valuable time in life, in this world. Yeah that’s some hippy bullshit but it’s true, I got sucked into the macro universe that is my small sphere of life and lost visibility on the larger one around me.

The more I run the subs and the more expansive my concept of life gets, the less I tolerate things that just eat up my time. But I’m at a loss for what the alternative is because so much of the people around me and my immediate environment just go along and reinforce the same paths.

I feel like someone plopped me on earth and was like “here are your options” and then I’m like “but it doesn’t work?” “Tough luck kid, deal with it”. I don’t think I’m special or anything, it’s just frustrating. I KNOW there’s other stuff out there, alternative life styles, I just feel walled off from them. Like it’s friggin pay to play.

So yeah this was a question/rant and if anyone has useful words of wisdom or hell even sub suggestions I’m all ears. Cuz I’m just so utterly aimless lately.

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#3

Now I know subclub’s tagline is become legendary but honestly I’m not feeling it lately. I totally respect those that pursue it. All I wanna do is live life and enjoy it, without all the status and power dynamics tied to it. I wanna be like a butterfly floating through a meadow vs some hardened warrior.

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#4

hahaha it was just a joke man. You do whatever you want. I think you might be reconed a bit. Drink a lot of water within one hour, eat a snack - snickers and take a short walk outside maybe.

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#5

I’m def reconing, but it’s also been an ongoing theme in my life I’m trying to work out for myself. So the recon isn’t really a short term thing that passes, it’s indicative of deep change that needs to happen. Idk how to explain that one better.

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#6

Well, you may already know my refrain:

There are Thinking Questions and there are Doing Questions.

Trying to address a Doing Question by thinking about it leads to frustration.

To me it looks like you’re making statements when you should be making plans.

Go out and do 20 things that you don’t usually do. Go to 20 places that you don’t usually go to. Talk to 20 people to whom you don’t usually talk.

And so on.

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#7

Seems like keeping up with the Jones’s (nice house/car etc) isn’t what motivates you, may even be a turn off the thought of it.

What about working towards funding an adventure or 2. Or saving up enough to buy significant time off?

If IT work isn’t fulfilling what kind of work would be? Working with your hands, work involving travel?

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#8

You’d be surprised how good you can get at something when you do it every day for multiple hours. I would imagine you didn’t start off being an incredibly skilled knowledge worker. I tend to disagree with the idea of “aptitude” because regardless you didn’t come out of the womb great at something. You had to learn you were good or even had a knack, through repition.

If you have the financially security for it, I’d reccomend taking a few months off work, pursuing music like your going to make a career out of it, and then see where you’re at.

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#9

@Malkuth To be honest I both love and hate this advice. This has been the recurring problem in my life I don’t DO but I also seriously struggle with the action of it. You’re totally right, but I hate it at the same time and I wish I wasn’t like this. Maybe 3 things is more reasonable for me right now. 20 is intimidating.

@Serafim I legitimately don’t know. I think the answer to everything I’ve been struggling with is more experiences and less thinking like was suggested above so I figure out who I am. But I’m also so averse to new experiences I shoot myself in the foot. Well maybe I should get back on Genesis lol, mid thought stream seems like that’s the perfect sub for me right now actually.

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#10

I hear that.

:blue_heart:

Your superpower is thinking about things. And this advice strikes at its core.

I’m in the same boat.

But remember:

You won’t lose yourself, because you can’t lose yourself.

All you’ll do is expand. And discover new sides.

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#11

Unfortunately I don’t have that financial security. I mean I have a small cushion but the stress of draining my bank account would be counterintuitive to commiting to the music. That’s my if shit goes south fund I keep around.

I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on now too. It might be a plan for the future when I’ve got more solid footing. I might just be biting off more than I can chew right now.

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#12

Build some momentum.

Do 1 thing outside your normal routines first.

Talk to someone. Or go try some activity. Anything. Doesn’t have to be anything mindblowingly different.

Just do something this week.

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#13

I feel the same way, though my analogy is trying to make a hole through a prison wall while sewage leaks in through the bars.

Don’t care about killing it at my job, money is the only reason I care to keep up and put up with it. Interests are fickle, those that have sustained over the years are so niche I have no one to talk about them to, support circles dissolved by work rotation, kids etc.

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A human bean's journal
#14

How much of this is existential?

Meaning or purpose in your life?

Self-actualization?

Getting in touch with your true self?

Feeling in harmony with life?

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#15

I’m just really starting to think it’s like playing catch up with a foundation that was never built properly. But life keeps moving and it needs a rework. But how do you dismantle something like that if it’s actively keeping you afloat without introducing chaos into your life?

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#16

All that honestly. I’ve had to reassess almost every aspect of my life after embarking on my gender transition.

I’m inclined to think my heavy existentialism is because I legitimately never lived as myself. Like how do you even make sense of life if your experience of it was through a stained window?

Sounds like I should re add Genesis to my stack honestly.

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#17

What are your thoughts about that, and how might it integrate with what you are currently listening to?

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#18

Right now I’m running

Sanguine
Ascension for women
Helen of Troy

Sanguine has definitely kicked up some stuff so I’d like to keep it. And I just need more stability and disregard for the disrespectful opinion of others even more than ever

Ascension for women has helped but I feel like swapping out with Genesis would give me an edge with the NSE. I like AFW but it looks like it could maybe benefit from an upgrade. I did pretty well on Genesis, it’s what led me to figuring out my gender identity issues and do something about it.

Helen of Troy I’m keeping this one long term. It’s absolutely essential in my stack right now. I need all the help I can get with physical shifting to make my life easier down the line.

#19

No idea, it seems like one of those “time to vanish for a month to find oneself” things in fiction. Don’t know anyone who’s done that IRL though.

I think the last time I had a “what’s the point” moment this year I shut down until the feeling passed, then kept on going but still haven’t figured out the answer. Currently trying to focus on one thing at a time, not sure if it helps.

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#20

In your defense, that constitutes a really big move.

Give yourself a break.

Yep.

Genesis is a core in my primary custom subliminal.

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#21

Classic me. “Oh yeah no big deal just uprooting every aspect of my life, I should be able to do everything else on top of this” lol

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