This place is full of some really cool people that have helped me a lot on my journey.
Total Breakdown is making me feel like a failure–jokes on you, I’ve got the memories and journals to prove to myself that my time here has been a success. Total Breakdown is making me question myself deeply and it’s shining a bright damn light on all my flaws. It feels so overwhelming. If I look at it from the wrong frame of mind, it seems like it’s telling me that I’m screwed. From the right frame of mind, it’s showing me all the things standing between me and my ideal self. It’s showing me the opportunities for improvement.
My ideal self is not an amount of money, it’s not the notches in my bedpost, it’s not his accomplishments. No, my ideal self is a type of man. He has all those things I just listed, but those things aren’t what makes him who he is. Nope, who he is, is why he has those things. I’ve seen glimmers of him, and I hear his voice calling me from the depths. He’s screaming, he’s causing me to drop things to get my attention, he makes me feel like crying. He’s a silent warrior, if only he could speak and I could hear his voice, instead I can only get his impressions.
The impressions of this man come in the forms of desires, moods, crazy thoughts, and impulses. He’s the being within, the subconscious, the higher self, God, call him what you will.
I must assume that if I’m capable of desiring so much good for myself but often so unwilling to bring that good out, that something–this higher man inside–is responsible for the good. He’s trying so hard to lead me, but I often refuse to listen to him.
I’m leaving for a while. I will return on the 28th of October with a story of impossible growth, or I will not return at all. May you all prosper in these three weeks.
This is a quick post, but I want to give a shout out to a few notable people that I’ve gleaned a lot from:
@Lion @Skadoosh @Malkuth @Tobyone @Dark @Deadpool to name a few. I know there are far more, but like I said, this is a quick post. If I were the man I want to be right now, then I would spend the time and energy to look through and find the names of all the people that have made a meaningful impact on me, but I’m just not that guy yet. Or better yet, I am that guy, but I’ve been too distracted to let him out of the cage, to allow him to come and conquer this life.
Post Script
There is no law in the universe that says this work must be hard. There is no law that says we must suffer. My mind is so clouded by the cultural programming that’s pervaded my life for so long that it’s often difficult for me to see that it’s actually completely possible to love this work of transformation. To dive into the shadows with no fear.
We were not born to suffer. We were born to be free. Suffering only exists so that when freedom comes, tears may fall in appreciation.
Post Post Script
Yeah, this is a pretty melodramatic post. The above was my soul, here’s my head. I’m going through it boys, and Total Breakdown is telling me to put my freaking feet to the fire.S**t or get off the pot, as my grandfather used to say. Walk the talk or shut up.
