Entry #2 - Noticing Choosing signals/IOIs
Days Run | Subliminal Name | stack Day 4
[30] Love Bomb V2
[45] PS:IT:U V2
[14] Limitless Executive Ultima V2 extra added
[7] Emperor Qv2 (2 loops)
[7] Khan Qv2 (1 loop)
[14] DR1 Qv2 (1 loop)
This is a reflection of 28-4-2021
** TL:DR**
Can’t be arsed to make a summary.
** Journal **
Yesterday, was a pretty good day with several events taking place I consciously took notice off. I am currently building my coaching practice, and I have two coachees one of them is a good friend of mine(yes I know normally don’t mix bussiness with private life) but in this case he kept offering to pay for something I was already doing for free with him. Which is nice, I have offered free coaching for a while to them (30-60 minutes 1-3x per week) and they highly enjoy it, and so do I. For me it comes very natural as I was made to-do this. Seeing my clients progress is one of the most statisfactionary feelings I have had in my life, and it is something I can see myself do long term too.
The biggest thing I notice in that regard that I always used to have a light version of imposter syndrome as I wouldn’t be a good coach, but that believe can’t hold up anymore against the real life results I have gotten with my two clients sofar.
They both will start paying at the first week of May, and will provide a nice additional boost to my income (I still need to work my sidejob, but damn having my own thing really statisfies me).
Furthermore, I have paid off pretty much most running bills and next month my University fee will also be paid off for this year, opening up c.q 600,- per month extra to spend.
Since I have ADHD, I tend to be impulsive with my spending so I decided to put 10-20% into my parents account to protect myself from overspending.
Lastly for financial maturity I have been combining my parents TIPS, TRICKS with the book I teach your how to be Rich, by Rami Sethi . I don’t blame my parents they definately gave me enough financial education when I was younger, how-eve in the past 5-10 years I definately have had some very bad habits regarding money. It is one of my weakest points, both in generation and in managing.
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Will-Teach-You-Be-Rich/
** Private Life **
After my last breakup, about 9 months ago I was completely devasted. After a break with my ex we made a promise to both work hard in our relationship and work on our weakpoints. Guess who kept to his promise and who didn’t? Yes, the last time I saw my ex she was in a very bad mood after attacking me for a week when I tried to put down some boundaries; (never argue emotions with rationality) rule really came up. I personally started to feel super guilty about hwo I made my ex feel, which made me defensive in return. I don’t like conflict with my partner and I think pretty much anything can be talked about.
We had a one month break, and in that time I also was dating someone else because I was so fed up how my ex was constantly pushing me and putting me down todo more, but I was still stuck with one foot in some previous commitments(i.e thesis and University). Which stressed me out ande drove me crazy over time, this resulted in a extreme trigger of my trauma from my youth and I started responding emotionally myself because I got so frustrated with her difficulty.
Somehow she managed to always make everything look like it was my fault, and I can’t remember her ever taking responsibility for her actions/words. A sorry would have done so much for me to calm down and feel stable. But no, apparently even with her Master in Clinical Mental Health she couldn’t see that I was struggling and suffering too, and she made everything worse.
Especially when I was finally giving her what she wanted and I kinda died down in the relationship after losing my Job, and not being able to go to the gym(especially the latter is so important to my mental health). Well, ofcoure I became a little less confident and was a little less happy… but instead of supporting me and lifting me up as my parner she enjoyed bashing me down further and further… and I started believing her over time. It was really Toxic, and over time I became bitter, resentfull and started defending myself because after we had our break she started doing it again. I got so pissed at her for just leaving me like that, I was there for her each evening listening to all her crap, but when I needed her to support me and pull me out of my hole she didn’t do it, called me a loser, weak and all that nice stuff. (I never called her any names, but I did tell her she seriously needed therapy because she is like a fish that can’t see swimming in water).
I made some cardinal mistakes after we broke to keep checking her InstaGram because if there was anything I did love her deeply, and even now… I think everytrhing could’ve worked out if SHE put some extra time and energy in, reflected upon herself and not use her emotions as truth. The last time we saw eachother we had sex, she attacked me for over 1.5 weeks and didn’t want to talk face-2-face about our issues (saying something like I’ll talk to my friends about it); it’s not fun being shut down and not trusted, you can always talk to me about everything. But if I say I don’t have time at a certain date or time, does not mean I don’t want to talk. How-ever in her head she somehow managed to rephrase that sentence into “Your emotions aren’t important to me, don’t bother me… I am not there for you” which was bullshit since I was always there for her. I remember a situation where she almost had an accident and was very emotional when she came home, she called me (I wasn’t near, but at my parents and it was very late… I don’t have a car a.t.m and I need to either lend or go by public transport). I asked her atleast (no kidding) 15 times if I should come and if she is okay, 15 fucking times she said NO… you don’t needto come, I am fine. So I was like Okay, I asked you 15 times if you keep saying NO, and you are fine. I am not going to drive in the middle of the night 01:00 to her place, because of a ‘almost accident’ just to sooth her.
The next day she was so mad at me that I should’ve known to come to her place, even when she said 15 times now… and started emotionally blackmailing me. I felt so guilty, but at the same time there was a conflict didn’t i just godamn ask you 15 times, and you keep saying NO.
I told her multiple times ** I CANT LOOK IN YOUR HEAD, YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS TO ME ** but for some reason this sounded Chinese to her, something so simple to help me be a better partner/boyfriend. No, she made it even more beautifull. I should’ve just known… that I needed to-do that I was seriously on edge mentally and was like Bitch Please! I ask you multiple times if this is what you want, you keep saying NO… and then next day your NO means a YES?
I mean, I have dated alot of woman and I never really got it this bad. What drove me mad later was the shit she was posting on her iG, all the little things she did do to me… suddenly she was a master of them, she posted stuff like communication is important(basicly everything I tried to teach her). Which honestly at the start set me off even more, because I deal very badly with unfairness especially personally. I just couldn’t understand how you can post this relationship stuff about, taking a step back and not letting your emotions rule, realizing no-one can look in her head, etc etc.
And I was like, godamned first you do all that shit to me, then you block me because I wanted to talk it out and were surprised I got mad at her for just leaving without having any natural end to the relationship, then she blames me for NOT teaching her these things… while I tried to teach her over a 100s of time(especially the I CANNOT LOOK IN YOUR HEAD PART). Then plays fucking innocent girl on Social Media. Godamn, typing this whole situation makes my blood boil to no degree… how can you be so unaware of yourself, how can you be such a hypocrite, how can you tell me you want to work things out, keep manipulating me and making a future where we tackle problems as a team?
How can you say all of that and then at the first sign of trouble you run off, and start blaming from a distance?
Then blaming me for making her feel unsafe (a.k.a keeping her responsible for her actions, and misinterpreting my behaviour instead of talking to me(this was a sex situation where I asked three times for a blowjob over three days… somehow she managed to turn it into 'i was forcing her to-do things she didn’t want to-do… but she never voiced it vocally “Hey babe, I am not in the mood today, can we do something else”… you think I would’ve tried to keep going? But NO, she didn’t open her mouth, she closed down emotionally and I just had to figure out each time what was going on. It was so fucking frustrating because if I guess there’s 50% I am wrong, and then when I did make the wrong decision she hold that against me… it was a lose-lose situation each time. I never had a girl call basicly the ** Rape ** word, somehow I did that to her… but she never said anything, she never was vocal, she never said Babe, when you do X, I feel Y.
How the fuck am I suppose to know how you feel if you never express them to me, why should I just know as a guy?
I felt so much guilty, I felt like I was the worst dude in the world because here is this girl I love(since a long while with anyone), I want to build a future with, and she is just being difficult, she doesn’t make it easier to be a good boyfriend, and me as a guy I don’t ask much. Sex, friendlyness, warmth, support, coorperation and teamplay, and proper communication. She was average looking and honestly at the start of the relationship she was exhibiting these traits way more than when we decided to be exclusive, it was like dating Jackyll and Hyde. From this sweet supporting girl that listened when I tried to teach her something, told me how much she loved me and saw a future… to a unsufferable girl within three months.
Now, did I do everything perfectly (hell no), but I never put her down as a person I tried to build her up and be there for her. But somehow she forgot all of that at the end, it was like she just focussed on a mistake I made instead of all the good things I did for her, while I reason the other way around. Yeah, she is moody but she did this and this for me, so it’s okay to be moody(it’s not fair to hold her past against her, but she didn’t recognize she was projected and recreating the drama from her past over and over again instead of breaking out of there.
It makes me sick, mad, and furious again… but I needed to type this out for sure. Because if I ever get in that situation again, I will Frank Castle(respect Fresh and Fit Podcast).
** Dating now **
Finally, after that long ass shit I wrote we can move on to present day. I have been dating a girl for about 9-10 months now. I took the lessons from my previous relationship and made sure to double check and qualify her.
She is one of the most aware, cooporative, open communicative girls I have met. The only thing I do miss a little compared to my ex is her energy levels(but she has Crohn disease, and i totally understand she isn’t full of energy sometimes); How-ever on every other measurement it has been such a blessing in disguise, it is so peacefull generally, and eventhough she struggles with some stuff she never denies the existence of it, she communicates how she feels and it makes it so much easier to pick the right behaviour to match what she is going through. If my EX did this stuff I would’ve probably been married by now or atleast engaged.
Furthermore we also discussed that if we are more rich, in better shape etc. I might get more attention from other girls, and I will always have a biological need to just fuck. She was okay with that and understood that, aslong as I kept to some rules when we were married.
I did spin it multiple times in a way that WE would fuck the girl together, give her pleasure together (protip, generally don’t suggest a threesome in a selfish frame unless you have extremely high value) try to make it into an adventure you both can partake, and the girl most likely is to say yes… as she doesn’t feel left out / not special.
It’s never about YOU, it’s about hte pleasure she(both of you) can have. My girlfriend now understands she will have me for life, and the other girl might have me for a night… to get some cardinal pleasures out. IF I would be on a bussiness trip or whatever (there’s rules to this though; make sure your ‘main’ girl is taking care off, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, dont bring that drama back to the house, make sure the other girl has something to lose, and never do it in your own house if you have children, and lastly try to keep it to myself as much as possible.
** Starting to SEE IOIs**
I was out doing groceries on 29/04/2021, and when I entered the ALDI (the second grocery store of today getting some stuff for my parents); I went to the checkout and I noticed that the checkout girl and I had a massive moment (I was wearing a face mask).
So we only had our eyes, and it was one of the most obvious choosing signals I have seen in a while.
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I made eyecontact and I smiled with my eyes shortly after (you know how it looks, the difference between a fake and genuine smile invovlves contracting the muscles to the side of the eyes)
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She responded and copied my movement, and smiled with her eyes…(this happened with 5 second of eyecontact and not talking)
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She kept staring back to me several times.
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I wasn’t talking much just the basic and I was kinda dumbfounded and enjoying the moment itself without thinking of closing :’)
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Even when I walked away she kept looking back to me several times and having eyecontact.
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I double checked if I wasn’t imagining things by comparing her behaviour with the next customer as I was packing, she clearly was looking more at the register then at the customer so it wasn’t ‘just friendlyness’ she was throwing some very very obvious signals.
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If I got to that store and she works there again I will strike up a conversation and close her
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It was quite exciting, I haven’t cold approached in 2 years due to a variety of factors (not feeling confident, struggling with depression etc all were part of it).
I’m pretty sure Emperor, Love Bomb, PS:IT, Sanguine and the healing effects of DR1 / Khan 1 are having their effects.
Sanguine is calming me down; Love Bomb (I am not sure what I should feel?.. maybe a bit more appreciation for myself… honeslty it’s the Subliminal that doesn’t have ‘profound’ effects sofar.
Limitless Executive definately does something for me, I seem to be do stuff quicker without thinking about it ahead… and I am sure the L.E + Emperor/Kahn combo + new medicine I started for my ADHD was a pretty close to golden combination.
DR and KHAN (Stage 1; Healing) is definately letting moments come up that are emotionally charged; but with my new therapy and some other personal modalities (Main therapy being ACT; other modalities include PSTEC, Release Technique, Image Cycling and Julians Transformation Mastery); definately help clean my mental space, pull out some of these core believes at their roots and I am starting to feel lighter and lighter.
Emperor: Definately helps me feel ‘powerfull’, and in control of myself… and weirdly enough therefor free. It cuts down my sleep time(not always positive); and slowly starts to seep in the bussiness mindset, the financial aspect of treating it like a diet (props to Remi for making that analogy), and overal believe in myself. It definately emphasizes several things I have read as a module (Emperor Voice iso ne of them) somehow I don’t have to think too much often what to say in a situation.
Lastly, I am expressing my feelings more, but I am less emotional if that makes sense. Even when it’s a simple trigger, I tell my current girl. I also told her I am not putting blame on you, it’s not your responsibility it’s mine, but when you do X, I feel Y, and i need some time to process it and let it go.
She handles this as a true powerfull woman 95% of the time and because I communicate my struggle she says she trusts me more and more, and find it very attractive that I can communicate emotions but at the same time now being too much consumed by it. Honestly, it’s the opposite reaction of most woman I have dated, or the rules I know from RP (never show emotion to your woman); I want to correct that statement.
Never be consumed and absorbed in your emotions, and turn into a little whiny kid. IT’s okay to express what you feel, aslong as you can distance yourself from it. And I wouldn’t want to date anyone now seriously atleast that doesn’t have this level of maturity in dealing with it.
Because I am 100% YOU can’t build a godamn future/bussiness with these thoughts laying around in your head. Cultivating the mindset that seems to combine the philosophhy of Buddism and Stoicism seems to be quite a powerfull one.
And honestly I am enjoying the journey sofar.
p.s This is a first draft, I am sure there will be many spelling mistakes.
they have their place in life**