Since I am journalling in an other private forum + offline journalling I am not sure how often I will update this.
But since my head generally likes to accumulate crap(ADHD); it’s good to keep writing it off for me. It distances myself from the problems I think I have, giving a nice third person perspective instead of feeling like I am a fish in water(emotions) and totally overwelmed from time to time.
I have many many goals, but I have learned I can’t achieve them all if I do too much at once.
I have a problems with narrowing focus for longer time on certain projects(ADHD); and this bugs me. I have done it succesfully with the gym (2 years constantly) when I was 19-21 however anything else seemed to not have yielded the results I wanted/hoped for.
I should force myself to use K.I.S.S as I tend to diverge my attention too much.
Logically I know my most important areas should be
Finish my Bachelor (Thesis; I fucking hate forced writing). Due to circumstances, non motivation etc I have taken an extra 2 years to finish my Bachelor. And it’s feeling like Atlas keep dragging me down emotionally and physically. As I don’t finish this, I can’t do anything else.
Start going 3-5 times per week to the gym, just going.
Stop downloading ENDLESS self-development programmes, udemy courses and all kinds of crap. The hoarding makes me feel safe, but I do not process 80% of that shit.
Emotionally there’s a different ballgame going on though
I FEEL as if I have to-do everything at once, as I am approaching my thirties and I have a lot of ‘20s’ catching up to do. This includes social life and other stuff(where-as my friends are looking at marriage and stuff; I am not sure if this is due to delay in brain development or a general difference in my brain (neurotypical v.s neuroatypical). It is annoying because I do tend to compare myself to others, eventhough I am aware I am the only one I should compare myself.
I FEEL as if I am unlovable, again I am aware of this and I know it’s not true. My brain/gut somehow keeps producing this, and it becomes a self-fufilling prophecy. The last girl I truly liked dumped me after 5 months of dating(more factors played in) but when that happened. My whole feeling of security and comfort disapeared(Great chance to develop myself normally; just the timing was crap). This also has made me led the decision to live at home temporarly.
I am impulsive if I feel lonely, I tend to buy Tinder boosts which I should choose not to do, and focus getting my life somewhat in order before I introduce woman in it.
I feel as if girls most likely see me as a fun boytoy(expeiration date max 3 months) but a seriously relationship is hard with me, also due to my ADHD. When I catch feelings I catch them DEEP and HARD, and I do not catch them easily generally. But let’s say 8/10 times I opened up my hearth for a girl, she trampled on it(I know seduction community says; let her come and focus on your own shit). But when that girl gives me a sense of calmth in my mind… how can I not like it? My mind is on Turbo 24/7 and the only relieve I have found sofar is Gym and Weed, or a special type of girl.
How-ever girls themselves are always insecure or anxious, I am supposed to be that rock(David Deida) how-ever sometimes I am not a rock, but a bursty vulcano. This is temporarely but I hate these emotiona loutburts, it makes me feel powerless(seriously it’s annoying; not having that split 1-2 seconds that normal people have to decide wether or not to express it. This goes pretty much automaticly, I yell when i am upset and only AFTER realize what I done. People who know me, know how to take it. But when I meet new people, I am not sure how to communciate this efficently.
Furthermore, I am from nature a loyal guy… if I like you, I like you for life. Sadly enough girls are not like that, and it’s hard to reconcile sometimes.
So I have thrown out SS2.1 currently.
I am focussing on Emotional Healing and general Self-confidence nad sufficent, also make sure my job performance is good and I am looking into a side hustle when I have my ‘optimization’ phase complete(i.e gym, proper sleep, eating, routines and structure). I have also gotten a referal for an ADHD psychologist/psychiatrist and I choose to go over my current medication and hopefully try some new stuff, and ofcourse most likely ADHD life skills and therapy.
My stack looks like this
MP: Ascenscion 2.0; Mogul 2.0; Primal / XXX
SM: Godlike Masculinity, Rebirth(2-4 loops)
Competitor program for Emotional Healing.
Hypnosis programmes before I start my stack
Second Stack looks like this (seduction focussed).
MP: Ascencsion 2.0, Primal, SS2.1
SM: Rebirth, Aura, Godlike Masculinity
I do self therapy in the form of Sedona/Release Technique/ The Work / REBT and/or CBT
I choose to try to meditate 10minutes per day + mindfullness and might add QLB
I choose to listen to Hypnosis programmes from time to time, to install good believes.
Just wanting to add my own Journal here and update it from time to time. More personal stuff is in my offline journal.