Igniting the innerflame


#1

Since I am journalling in an other private forum + offline journalling I am not sure how often I will update this.

But since my head generally likes to accumulate crap(ADHD); it’s good to keep writing it off for me. It distances myself from the problems I think I have, giving a nice third person perspective instead of feeling like I am a fish in water(emotions) and totally overwelmed from time to time.

I have many many goals, but I have learned I can’t achieve them all if I do too much at once.
I have a problems with narrowing focus for longer time on certain projects(ADHD); and this bugs me. I have done it succesfully with the gym (2 years constantly) when I was 19-21 however anything else seemed to not have yielded the results I wanted/hoped for.

I should force myself to use K.I.S.S as I tend to diverge my attention too much.

Logically I know my most important areas should be

  1. Finish my Bachelor (Thesis; I fucking hate forced writing). Due to circumstances, non motivation etc I have taken an extra 2 years to finish my Bachelor. And it’s feeling like Atlas keep dragging me down emotionally and physically. As I don’t finish this, I can’t do anything else.

  2. Start going 3-5 times per week to the gym, just going.

  3. Stop downloading ENDLESS self-development programmes, udemy courses and all kinds of crap. The hoarding makes me feel safe, but I do not process 80% of that shit.

Emotionally there’s a different ballgame going on though

  1. I FEEL as if I have to-do everything at once, as I am approaching my thirties and I have a lot of ‘20s’ catching up to do. This includes social life and other stuff(where-as my friends are looking at marriage and stuff; I am not sure if this is due to delay in brain development or a general difference in my brain (neurotypical v.s neuroatypical). It is annoying because I do tend to compare myself to others, eventhough I am aware I am the only one I should compare myself.

  2. I FEEL as if I am unlovable, again I am aware of this and I know it’s not true. My brain/gut somehow keeps producing this, and it becomes a self-fufilling prophecy. The last girl I truly liked dumped me after 5 months of dating(more factors played in) but when that happened. My whole feeling of security and comfort disapeared(Great chance to develop myself normally; just the timing was crap). This also has made me led the decision to live at home temporarly.

  3. I am impulsive if I feel lonely, I tend to buy Tinder boosts which I should choose not to do, and focus getting my life somewhat in order before I introduce woman in it.

  4. I feel as if girls most likely see me as a fun boytoy(expeiration date max 3 months) but a seriously relationship is hard with me, also due to my ADHD. When I catch feelings I catch them DEEP and HARD, and I do not catch them easily generally. But let’s say 8/10 times I opened up my hearth for a girl, she trampled on it(I know seduction community says; let her come and focus on your own shit). But when that girl gives me a sense of calmth in my mind… how can I not like it? My mind is on Turbo 24/7 and the only relieve I have found sofar is Gym and Weed, or a special type of girl.

How-ever girls themselves are always insecure or anxious, I am supposed to be that rock(David Deida) how-ever sometimes I am not a rock, but a bursty vulcano. This is temporarely but I hate these emotiona loutburts, it makes me feel powerless(seriously it’s annoying; not having that split 1-2 seconds that normal people have to decide wether or not to express it. This goes pretty much automaticly, I yell when i am upset and only AFTER realize what I done. People who know me, know how to take it. But when I meet new people, I am not sure how to communciate this efficently.

Furthermore, I am from nature a loyal guy… if I like you, I like you for life. Sadly enough girls are not like that, and it’s hard to reconcile sometimes.

So I have thrown out SS2.1 currently.

I am focussing on Emotional Healing and general Self-confidence nad sufficent, also make sure my job performance is good and I am looking into a side hustle when I have my ‘optimization’ phase complete(i.e gym, proper sleep, eating, routines and structure). I have also gotten a referal for an ADHD psychologist/psychiatrist and I choose to go over my current medication and hopefully try some new stuff, and ofcourse most likely ADHD life skills and therapy.

My stack looks like this

MP: Ascenscion 2.0; Mogul 2.0; Primal / XXX
SM: Godlike Masculinity, Rebirth(2-4 loops)
Competitor program for Emotional Healing.
Hypnosis programmes before I start my stack

Second Stack looks like this (seduction focussed).

MP: Ascencsion 2.0, Primal, SS2.1
SM: Rebirth, Aura, Godlike Masculinity

I do self therapy in the form of Sedona/Release Technique/ The Work / REBT and/or CBT
I choose to try to meditate 10minutes per day + mindfullness and might add QLB
I choose to listen to Hypnosis programmes from time to time, to install good believes.

:stuck_out_tongue:

Just wanting to add my own Journal here and update it from time to time. More personal stuff is in my offline journal.


#2

QLB? Quantum Light Breath?


#3

Welcome to the forum. Have you found it productive to mix your stack with a competitors products?.


#4

That’s the only competitor product I really use to be honest, I haven’t found much succes with others. But Rebirth + (Comp) helps me with my treatment modalities and letting go. Sometimes I am surprised how much crap there is after all these years of self-development. @blackadder . Let me note THIS IS NOT A MAGIC PILL, but I do notice it has helped with my actually trauma/release work. Both Rebirth and that other product.

You still need to do something/ take action. What Treatment modality you choose to-do it with is for your own personal preference :slight_smile:

Thursday 3th Jan
SubPlaylist #1

Hypnosis: Attractivator(Hypnotica), Libertine, and (Mark Cunningham)Personal Ecology for men(I am thinking of throwing them out; I feel very little with them, and perhaps I already have most of these positive believes internalised)

Jeru Kabbal - Eternal Friend (First time I did this, I had a massive cathartic release I started crying so hard for 10 minutes, this wasn’t your normal QLB but he guides you through someone who totally fully unconditoonally accepts who you are). I never realized that I still don’t feel safe/comfy in my own skin most of the time, it’s has always been hard to accept myself because people tried to change me in many ways I cannot be molded in). The feeling of total self-acceptance, even for a brief moment made me cry so hard, even when I am writing this I feel joy and tears at the same time. No other process sofar has made me feel this deep love for me, the soothing okayness of me being me. I have released a lot via other methods, but this one hit me very deep yesterday after coming home from work being tired and quite apathic state.

Jeru Kabal - QLB track #1: (Did this after Eternal friend, but had more a claming effect then releasing effect).

Other notes

I have found that Google Calander can automaticly create timeslots to persue your goals, it’s something I struggle with due to my ADHD. I have been playing around with it and I really really enjoy it, you need to tweak a bit here and there. But I can see how it’s very usefull for someone LIKE ME

I have been reading Vadim Zeland - Reality Transurfing, quite interesting take on manifestation of your own beliefs. 20%/100% finished.

One of my goals this year is to read 1 book p/w minimum, on top of my required reading for University. I hope by the end of year to have read atleast 48 books. (I give myself 4 extra weeks, and maybe 8) in case stuff goes wrong or if it’s a heavy deep topic.


#5

Yes, it has been sitting on my PC for a few months now. It’s one of those things that I am now like “the fuck didn’t i do this one earlier”. I could’ve evaded so drama in my life because of my emotional state I can get in.

Eventhough it’s long, I can gladly say that I recommend Jeru Kabbal’s stuff, pretty much EVERYTHING(and I have seen so many many many products/books). It’s one of the best type of ‘meditation’ I have witnessed. It’s a tad long, but somehow I get into a super semi-trance with my eyes open, yet totally relaxed.

The Eternal Friend track even made me visualize with my eyes open(normally I close my eyes).


#6

My first experience of QLB was as well - cathartic, I cry like never before and had so beautiful feeling in my heart area… speechless. Highly recommend do QLB to everyone, at least once.


#7

For me it was the difference between feeling that thing spiritual teachers talk about understanding it logically / cognitively v.s experiencing it.

Yet, experentially…wow… I can feel like that? I am allowed to feel like that? I’m still flabbergasted, my intention is to run QLB each day for atleast 30 days(Main QLB tracks).
Next to that listen to his other tracks when I have time left(Eternal Friend, Magic Pool, Stop Projecting past on present, Clarity Talks 1-3 etc).

I’m on 2/30 now,


#8

2019-01-05T18:48:00Z
Playlist (A)

  • No Hypnosis tracks
  • Going through Jeru Kabbals Material
  • QLB 3/30

Books 1/48 (1 book per week +/-) Goal is to read at least 48 books. I am contemplating on spreading them out regarding topics I want to learn on. Perhaps it’s more useful to focus on certain areas for each 3 months as working multiple areas).

Currently Reading

  • Zan Perrion - Alebaster Girl
  • Vlad Zelim - Reality Transurfing

Update #3
Today I have blocked the girl I have fallen so deeply for from all social media, I am still so attached to her and the idea of her. I realized this is also because I did not put boundaries for myself regarding this, I totally went wild with everything.

I sent her a semi aggressive message because that’s how I feel, for me sometimes it’s weird to have people in your life you are there for, 100% listen to their problems, make them feel better, help them on their path. And yet, they drop you so easily. It’s one of the most frustrating things in my life, people leaving me.
When I invested numerous hours and love into them. I try to be detached from the outcome, but these situations make me feel deep connections with both guys and girls. Sometimes you just meet the right person.

The thing is I can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from, I had a good childhood my parents are amazing. But having ADHD always caused people not to understand me, especially other children. When I open up, i sometimes feel anxiety and underlying thoughts(can I open up, will this person hurt me too, will they leave?). Before I tried to-do everything to stop them from leaving, but that’s something I have done much less. However, the trauma still comes up when I am in these situations, and it’s annoying. Because it feels like I can’t express fully, without scaring people away.

An other example
To clarify I am not talking about rejection in a club, on the street, or when you know someone 5 minutes. I do not care about that, but I have supported a friend of mine who was raped, for over a year, we got very close and started feelings for each other. Than suddenly from one day to the next, I don’t feel like that for you any more. Then I get blocked and ignored. I always blame myself 100% for that stuff.

I know stuff ends, but when I am there for someone so intensely and deeply and than I have a weak moment, or going through a bottom part of my life. People dissapear, like it’s a requirement to be happy 24/7 stable.

Writing this stuff off in journals like this definitely helps, and treating myself too. It’s making me aware, and seeing my thought patterns. But it’s also therapeutic to just bitch about being stuck in some area, it makes me angry…a better energy to be in than apathy, yet I want to move to Freedom, courageousness and happiness.

It’s going to be a loooooooooooooong journey, but we still have 51 weeks to go… 51 one weeks of deliciously intense inner and outer work(gym, fashion, etc).

The challenge is there, let’s take it :slight_smile:

> Discipline is the ability to give yourself a command and obey it. Jim Rohn says, "We must all suffer from one of two pains : the pain of discipline or the pain of regret . The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons."


#9

2019-01-05T23:00:00Z
Playlist (A)

  • No Hypnosis tracks
  • Going through Jeru Kabbals Material
  • QLB 4/30
  • Almost finished Clarity Talks Volume 1(Will relisten to it atleast 5x to get all the goodies in).

Books 1/48 (1 book per week +/-) Goal is to read at least 48 books. I am contemplating on spreading them out regarding topics I want to learn on. Perhaps it’s more useful to focus on certain areas for each 3 months as working multiple areas).

Currently Reading

  • Zan Perrion - Alebaster Girl 10% left
  • Vlad Zelim - Reality Transurfing

Update #4

I was listening to the subliminasl in my sleep, but I seem to wake up each 3-4 hours orso when I do. How-ever it seems my sleep is much Deeper yet shorter. I also tend to be more Ready To go.

One small thing I have noticed is that I am cleaning my envoriment more often, I used to work more with a messy desk and ignored the crap laying around. It seems I have taken the liberty of cleaning my desk more often, and just use the BARE essentials to-do what I need to-do. I have been more focussed on ‘streamlining’ my life too. (Applying heavily needed structure).

This weekend I just let myself go though, I need to watch out for that. As I don’t want to go ofcourse.

I also bought a new Leather Journal which is much bigger than the small one I had. After going through Clark Danger’s - My Best Journal Ever very useful.
He teaches you to divide your journal into several sections, I am looking to combine this with Bullet Journal and perhaps GTD.

My Best Journal 2.0

Sections

  1. The Book Notes Section:
    Contains everything regarding books you have been reading, and the notes you took
  2. The Gratitude Section:
    Writing down atleast 5 things you are grateful for, doesn’t have to be each day… but atleast 1-2x per weekIt’s meant not to be a Chore; this is scientifically proven to increase happiness by almost 10%!
  3. The Growth Section:
    _Basicly your current projects, goals aspirations you are working on. _
  4. The BrainDump Section:
    When your head is full, and you need to write it off you… just pure braindump. After that you can apply techniques such as (Do I have control over this, can I change anything about it?). It’ll help you prioritize and let go of stuff you have no control over.
  5. The Freedom Section:
    This is a section you can just dabble, write or do anything in… It’s a creative outlet, there’s no rules here… it’s basicly daydreaming and pure expression on a piece of paper
  6. The Video and Online Notes Section:
    This is the note section for all the YouTube Video’s, uDemy Courses, and other online stuff that you are listening/watching. This does not contain the books you read.
  7. The Supplement Section
    You can do multiple Supplement sections, but this is more a place to keep track of individualized goal tracking. I.e Gym Sessions, Learning Sessions, Painting, Investing etc etc. It’s totally up to you. Major topics include Health and Fitness, Mental Wellbeing, University Learn and Tracking etc etc

QLB 4/30
I got really really distracted at almost the last part of the session today, I pushed myself through but I lost my concentration halfway the Main QLB track. I did finish listening to Clarity Talks Volume 1 though.

Reading Challenge
Almost got my first signpost in goal completion after finishing Alebaster Girl.

Sedona / Release Technique
Larry Crane - Abundance Course 5th time I am going through it now, and this will be the final time for now
Larry Crane - Goals and Resistance Course This will be the programme I am going to incorporate with my productivity courses

Productivity
Darren Hardy’s - Insane Productivity


#10

How did you put that time stamp @Liquidfire? When I click on it, I see the time in different locations.


#11

:joy: im still editing!

I’m learning to apply something I learned from
Albert Ellis Ph.D. - How to Be a Perfect Non-Perfectionist (He is the founder of R.E.B.T). Publishes a crazy amount of material. When he got asked how he did it, he didn’t care to be perfect in the first draft. Just to finish it good enough.


#12

Reviews of these books?


#13

When I am finished I will.

But for now

Alebaster Girl = Philosophy of Beauty, particular regarding woman. If you love woman, highly recommend. For me it’s on par with David Deida Superior Male and Stephane Hermon - Womanise

Reality Transurfing = welll, how do I say it…reality manipulation; I can’t really review it sofar as it’s pretty dense material. :slight_smile:

With other words, I am still trying to understand it deeply


#14

There’s an option when you use the ‘cog wheel’, it will convert my time to your local timezone :slight_smile:


#15

Playlist (A)
Nothing Special or Big Epiphanies directly via Subliminals.

  • No Hypnosis tracks / Leaving out Hypnosis for now.
  • QLB 5/30 (Did Jeru Kabbal - Sunrise of the Soul today); I think the Original CDs are a bit better.
  • Almost finished Clarity Talks Volume 1(Will relisten to it atleast 5x to get all the goodies in). [b] Finished this TWICE now, just letting the talks run… some of them are really good, they explain certain aspects of stuff that for example Allan Watts, Eckart Tolle, Ram Das and others talk about… that present moment).

Books 1/48 (1 book per week +/-) Year Goal:
to read at least 48 books. I am contemplating on spreading them out regarding topics I want to learn on. Perhaps it’s more useful to focus on certain areas for each 3 months as working multiple areas).

Currently Reading

  • Zan Perrion - Alebaster Girl started rereading a chapter or two back, there’s so much stuff in here it takes a while to intergrate / understand. 60% of 100% now
  • Vadim Zeland - Reality Transurfing

Accomplished / Finished sofar
Video Programmes/Courses
Books
Health/Gym/Fitness?

Update #5

Not much to say, thinking of making a ‘random’ system when choosing a book. I also seem to need to redo my GoodReads list to overview all the books i can choose from to read. However, I realized I am only interested in a few finite areas currently(hence back to the 3 months full immersion in one area).

QLB 5/30

I had an immensive hard time finishing it today, I let everything come up. But I almost passed out once or twice(read fall asleep), a lot of physical manifestations, could barely lay still, and after 40 minutes I was at my edge. The total track is almost 1 hour, but it seems my mind just says fuck it after pushing it beyond 20-30 minutes. Perhaps moving it to the morning or evening might help, or I could choose to push myselfs a bit longer each time.

Reading Challenge
So close finishing Alabaster Girl, than the last part of the book the epiphanies and remembering of stuff suddenly hit hard. I have decided to take a few 100 pages back, and read from there. Currently I am at the chapter way of the Natural.

“Sit back and relax… I will sing you the song of women.
What women? you ask.
All women, I answer.
Even me? you ask.
Especially you, I answer.
And what will you sing to me? you ask.
Ah, my love, I will sing to you of hidden truths
Yes, hidden truths and secret secrets…”

A song about woman, he is writing indeed… you will learn all about nothing, and nothing about all… this is beyond pickup. This is stuff that connects to you when you understand David Deida’s Superior Male, Dear Lover…


#16

Vadim Zeland, if to be exact.


#17

Good Catch.

:slight_smile: edited.

Moving away from perfectionism, still don’t know how I bastardized that name unintentionally though.


#18

Its okey :smile: I know Vadim in-person and was a bit suprised to see author other than Vadim, writing about Transurfing :grinning:


#19

Small quick update

Still keeping my progress! Just had a small interference by getting fired yesterday. So my full focus is on getting another part time job.

Luckily, I have build a small reserve.

I have started 2 challenges this month by the way

Wealth - 2/30 - I am tracking each little expense this whole month without judgement; awareness and a baseline of my expenditure.
Health - 1/30 tracking my dietary intake for 30 days, so I have a current baseline.

Will update the reading part soon :slight_smile:


#20

Playlist (A)
Nothing Special or Big Epiphanies directly via Subliminals.

  • No Hypnosis tracks / Leaving out Hypnosis for now.
  • QLB 8/30 (Did Jeru Kabbal -
  • Finished Clarity Talks 1-3 (1x/5x): I definately have to start taking notes, ut talking about something that’s untalkable I wonder if my notes will make sense at all.

Books 1/48 (1 book per week +/-) Year Goal:
My first Three Months of reading will be focussed on

  1. Productivity & Goal Setting
  2. Flow State / The Now / Letting Go
  3. In minor on Women.

to read at least 48 books.

Currently Reading

  • Zan Perrion - Alebaster Girl 90%
  • Vadim Zeland - Reality Transurfing

Accomplished / Finished 2019

On productivity

  1. Clark Danger - My Best Journal Ever 2.0

On to ‘self’

  1. Clarity Talks
  2. Sedona Method

On to ‘finances’
None Yet.

Place Holder
Place Holder

Video Programmes/Courses

Finished Programmes

I plan to write summaries and reviews of them, if people are interested.

Productivity and Goal Setting Programmes

  1. Clark Danger(Kegley) - My Best Journal Ever 2.0 Finished main course 1x,

Next up
2. Darren Hardy - Insane Productivity
3. Brian P. Moran & Michael Lennington - 12 week year.

Sedona Method/Release Technique

  1. Sedona Method SuperCourse Finished 5x
  2. Sedona Method Effortless Creation Finished 1x
  3. Sedona Method InnerCircles volume 1-2 (Finished 2x)

Next Up

  1. Sedona Method - Hollistic Releasing and InnerCircles 3 and 4.

Books

  1. Alebaster Girl
  2. Reality Transurfing
  3. Magic, you are it.
  4. The War Of Art

Health/Gym/Fitness?
2/30 Food/Drink Journal

Wealth
3/30 Tracking Expenses in my Journal

Update #6

The past few days I have luckily helped a few people on their way, and the reactions of thankfullness is what I do it for. It reminds me I am on the right path of wanting to be a coach and help people transform their own lives. Some people just need to be heard, and they listen to you because they are fed up with themselves, or the madness they percieve they be in. I have recognized this and my own madness, I can see it in others…it pains me, it pains me that some people prefer to run in circles than truly want to be helped.
I have tried helping one member here on the forum, as it absolutely pains me how he talks about himself and the world, running in painfull circles yet not knowing how to break that chain, he wants to heal but he stubbornly loves to waddle in his own sorrow, thinking ‘standing up’ is something great he’s doing but I am reaching him tools, to find innerpeace yet he is making a concious choosing to be sad, sorrow and waddle in his own shit because it’s comfortable to feel bad. I have been there, I recognize the fallacy of this strategy.
I have to accept I cannot help everyone, and not everyone wants to be helped untill they are ready. I truly hope something has rubbed off on him, and he can grow and let go. For myself, I will not read his journal anymore…as it hurts too much reading it, it’s a reminder to myself how I used to talk.

Yet, for every guy who refuses I have been able to help 2 or 3 people in return, sometimes by harsh love, sometimes by a subtle nudge. My ‘gratefullness/online comment folder’ on my desktop is ever expanding. Each time I have helped someone in someway, or helped them make progress I will make a screenshot and save it there. I forget how much positive impact I can have on others, when I am on my own journey and path to self-mastery and self-actualization.

So I did a big release session on letting go of ‘wanting control’. I guess I want to control others so they can be happy(ier) too, and see what kind of mess they are swimming in. It’s all so universal and recognizable, the madness we all live with…laughing buddha has been one of the trueest symbols. We believe our mind. The question is, how do you want to setup your mind, it’s nothing but a tool. Yet we make it our master!

QLB 8/30

The last two QLB sessions where a little easier; but I have not noticed much coming up. Sofar 'eternal friend has been the most impactfull, each time I feel down I go inside and say Hi to myself, give an innerhug and sooth it, and yet at the same time I nurture it and make it grow. That innerfriend we all have, that is us… that best friend we often ignore, that wants to take care of us too. We tend to forget we are our own best friend, and the only friend that will go with us to the grave.

I had a long period where I was unkind to myself, unloving, unaccepting, unappriciating. Yet, who is this madman that tears himself down! You do not do this with others either, why do you talk yourself down? Others are exactly like you and I, 9/10 you don’t realize how people see you when you walk in a room.
(I sayeth, DO upon yourself as you wish others would do upon you!)

Therefor the question for me is. When you realize you are nothing but a bunch of memory strings together, calling that your personality/ego you can make concsious choices and effort to respond differently. This perfectly intergrates with the knowledge we have from the amazing 'man search for meaning’book by Viktor Frankl. I have copied some quotes from the web, that I also have in my own personal Journal. That book is pretty much a goldmine and you can almost highlight the whole book by itself.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

What is to give light must endure burning.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.

I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.

Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.

Fear may come true that which one is afraid of.

Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.

Reading Challenge
I have almost finished going through the Alebaster girl first time, it’s definately a book worth reading a 2nd, 3th and even 4th+ time. I think I will read it as much as I have read superior male(one of the few books I have read over 10+ times). And still I fall asleep to it’s lessons from time to time.

Backlog
Programmes I started but want to finish later, or are not usefull to me at this point of time