So I am starting a new journal. This is a new journey.
I have this feeling that i am all alone at the end. i can’t open my heart and connect to anyone. like truly. i can have superficial connections sure. i am an attractive guy. women like me. but i cant seem to have anything more than casual flings / situationships. i seem to have friends but none of the friendships are deep. like if 3 of my friends enter a new group, although i am more or equally as charismatic, they eventually become a more important part of the group instead of me. if there is a group of 5 people, 2 would become close friends, the other 2 would become close friends and i would be the odd one out. always for some reason. always.
I sometimes think I am the black sheep of my family as well. I am the least connected to my family. I am the only child whose chat isn’t pinned by my parents on their phones.
The reason for this, i have come to realize, is that i have walls around me. i do not let anyone enter. i cant be vulnerable. some of my friends even told me that my con is that they have never heard me being sad or telling them my insecurities etc. i do not know what my problem is.
i think the title might be a little misleading. i am not incel level lonely. i think i have gotten almost any girl i wanted. people like me. they respect me. my parents love me and my siblings love me (i hope lol). but i always feel left out. like i missed something that others have. they can deepen relationships while i can’t.
It sometimes feels like no one cares that i am gone. i dont think i really know what love is. i think i have never experienced it. i dont know what love is lmao. no one knows the real me inside because i never told anyone. i think i just want to be loved for who i truly am but i never show who i truly am. i put on a facade, a mask i think. i dont think i know what love is. i guess i am grateful that i am good looking and charming because i dont know how i would have survived otherwise. people would have been harsh to me then.
it might seem a little ungrateful, maybe i dont qualify as lonely, but this shit makes me sad man. like recon is hitting me today. after a long time there is genuine recon. i have no friend i can fall back to. i have no best friend who knows me inside out. never had a deep relationship with a girlfriend ever. i am all alone. i have spent 22 years on this planet and i do not have love. never experienced genuine love or friendship.
i dont think i experienced that kind of love from my parents. i mean they love me sure, and i love them. but i dont think i experienced love in the way i wanted. i have come to a point this early in my life that i am comfortable being alone. i realize that i am all alone in this world. i came into this world alone and i shall die alone.
i have been watching my life, scratching at it, trying to get in. but despite knowing i was the only one holding myself back, i just couldnt bring myself to get off the shelf and accept the love people were trying to give me. i just cannot connect to people.
in my subclub journey of over 6 years i have tried a lot of subs. started from ascension to primal to stark to khan to dragon reborn (about a year). dragon reborn healed a lot of problems i had that i do not anymore. it made me way more mature. wanted black for more than a year. some i cant even remember. and trust me all of them helped me become a better person. some subs more than others.
tried daredevil and daredevil true social and the charisma subs but then i had a realization that me not being charismatic or articulate was never the problem. i was trying to fix something that was not broken. there were people less charming than me who had deeper friendships than me while we both started at the same time.
after all this experience i will be running Love Bomb, Stark and Wanted Dream Boy. stark and wanted dream boy align with my personality. and yes i do know stark is not feminine (i was a silent observer back then and was as frustrated as saint was during that pointless debate). these 3 are what i think i will run long term.
I aim to journal regularly here after this washout.
Inner Circle has some speedy ass manifestations for me personally. Faster than probably any other subliminal, though I do not play it often, so there is a clue that may help you.
