I’m glad someone pointed it out
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My cycle hasn’t finished yet. I’ve been adding ten seconds to my loop every time.
There have been some deep, profound realizations. Even though I always seemed calm and composed, there were a few people I hadn’t truly forgiven. I was holding grudges without fully admitting it to myself. That feels like it’s over now.
LB has been good for me. I think Love Bomb has helped me become calmer, more grounded, and able to speak in a calm, charming way instead of forcing it.
I’ve had some serious realizations about myself.
In the past, no matter how confident, charismatic, or seductive I became, I was never truly happy. There was always some internal friction that never went away. For example, I would really want a girl. I’d charm her completely, and as she became more and more interested, something strange would happen. I would detach from reality and go into my head. She’d be deeply into me, and I would suddenly lose interest.
Sometimes it feels like I only enjoy the chase. I like getting a girl to fall for me, and once that happens, I’m no longer as interested. I don’t fully understand why.
I started reading about BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and I realized I might have it, or at least some tendencies. These were the symptoms that stood out to me:
Quick changes in how I see myself. My goals and values shift, and sometimes I see myself as bad or like I don’t exist at all.
Dissociation. Feeling disconnected from my body, thoughts, or emotions, like I’m spaced out or watching myself from the outside.
Derealization. The world feels unreal or dreamlike, even familiar places and people.
Identity confusion or alteration. A deep sense of not knowing who I am, what I want, or what I value, like my self-image keeps changing.
Ongoing feelings of emptiness.
I’m only realizing this now. I always thought my mother had BPD, though she was never diagnosed. These realizations about myself feel strange and heavy.
I would never have been this vulnerable before. But I figured, what the hell. This is a journal. I can be completely honest here, since no one here knows me irl.
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