Hold on, let me overthink this

Separately, I’ve been keeping a dream journal close to my bed. I’ve been trying to write my dreams each time I wake up which is been really frustrating and annoying because I just wanna go to sleep. That said, I have way more dreams that I can remember when I write them down at each awakening. Do not know how long this will last for. It’s a bit disturbing to fully wake up that many times and have to focus on writing neatly because I can barely read my own handwriting.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to set intention before I dream so that they’re a little bit more focused. I don’t know if they’re listening to me yet, but the themes are still weird. I guess more mundane than I’m used to.

I purchased more moleskin cahier journals because I like that they’re softly bound and easy to write in. plain paper is best for me because I hate rigid lines. My writing is so tiny I don’t need to be constrained that way.

I like to do the bare minimum when it comes to writing. The smaller it is, the thinner the line, the .1mm HBB lead pencil that gets me my words out almost as fast as I can think them, but not really. Writing is so limiting because it’s so slow.

Speaking is limiting because I don’t want that kind of record. People would at least have to work to read my handwriting, maybe. Also don’t really like the sound of my voice recorded, when it’s not reverberating around my skull it sounds softer, more breathy and more childish. I did say I liked deep voices somewhere.

I change my mind mid sentence or mid spoken thought and writing seems a little bit better than that. I have been using the dictation on my phone to at least get some things down when I write enough.

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Do you find that this has gone anywhere? I used to record my dreams for about 1.5 years in my leather journal before I stopped because it wasn’t really going anywhere. This was in conjunction with efforts and practices related to lucid dreaming. I still have my journal, and I am certain it is going to be used again once DREAMS Ultima is released.

Not sure. Maybe if I actually revisited them and let them tell their story. Right now it’s more a record that I may or may not get use out of.

Nothing’s changed much in my rotation. Just added emperor fitness I when I do Maia II to see how I feel since it was collecting dust in a corner. Yesterday was my rest day. Dream journaling is going a bit better as long as I remind myself to slow down when I right so I can read it when I’m fully awake.

Considering taking extreme exercise motivation out of Maia II and replacing it with I AM but it seems a little extra to change it again just for one module.

I don’t track how many loops of my customs I do. I figure it’ll all even out in the end. Other things I do at most two of unless I forget while I shift from zoom call to zoom call during the day.

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You ever try so hard to do nothing and just be? Yeah, it’s not going so well.

It’s interesting how difficult it is to just exist in the moment whether through external distractions or whatever the mind can conjure up.

Mama tried, but she tired, and in need of a breakthrough.

As far as listens go if it’s not Maia II & emperor fitness it’s Chiaroscuro & mind’s eye. I do have to start weaving ultimas back into the mix. I think I feel their absence but I’m so busy trying to feel and sense and be that I’m probably stonewalling myself.

I went on a book buying spree and then didn’t have a chance to read any. Work is exhausting but going “well” even though I wonder what I really want to do with my life every day.

Tis all.

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If you don’t mind can you post your reading list in your next post, Thanks! No rush.

Any changes on st1? It might fix this…

Ah, well, my do nothing is less of the exercise variant (because I am very good at doing nothing there) and more trying to live in the moment (with my customs). I’ve definitely scaled back the try hard on the road of enlightenment.

Also my customs are packed with healing so not sure what EF ST1 is gonna do that those aren’t.

Hmm, the latest book I’m reading is Energetic Boundaries by Cyndi Dale. I’ve got a couple of her other books to browse afterwards (fair warning, more woo woo than practical for those disinclined)

The Inner Smile by Mantak Chia: the pictures make me lol.

Angels Unveiled a Sufi perspective

and Acupressure for Emotional healing.

I’ve got a bunch of videos from this group I like in queue but am totally vegging out reading Mo Bao Fei Bao novels.

Then on the checkout line in Whole Foods I picked up the seasonal cook’s illustrated because who doesn’t need another recipe for streusel?

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AncestryDNA keeps moving about my percentages. I keep historical screenshots so I can track their progress. Another one of my cousins popped up in my matches list, but it’s still not enough for me to put my name to my profile or make my tree public. She’ll live.

I consider falling down the rabbit hole of tracking my family tree earlier than what I have but the notion fades as fast as it appears.

Keep being told I work too much, and don’t allow myself enough pleasurable experiences, so I suppose I should listen at some point.

The belief I have to get over: Everything feels like a chore when you have to plan your enjoyment too. I wish things just fell into place. If I don’t plan, my work calendar ends up controlling me vs the other way around. It’s not even like I intend to work incessantly. It’s partly the culture where I am, and partly I wanna get shit done and the day is full of meetings.

I’ve slowly been setting more boundaries… slack notifications go off after a certain hour. I’ll only work late if there’s a presentation due. Lately there’s just been so much, more than I can delegate without overwhelming others. It’s similar for my peers and those above me though so maybe the move is to move vs shift in place.

I talked to my executive coach about my work boundary issues and saying yes to too much. Then she turned right around and asked me to do something at the end of our session. I asked her later if she felt bad asking me for more knowing what she knew… even if I was the “perfect” person to voluntell for the exercise. Meh.

This is starting to feel like a whine so I’ll stop.

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Good for asking her that. What did she say?

“I did consider it but you were the only/best…” blah blah blah

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It does sound like you’re in the midst of a shift or transition. Navigating the process of bringing different parts of yourself into the picture. You don’t seem limited by a lack of knowledge. It seems more like a legitimate negotiation of how much to change and how quickly.

Your erstwhile primary orientations don’t seem to be ‘wrong’ for you. So it seems like you are deciding how much to integrate factors like independence and spirituality without necessarily sacrificing other priorities such as achievement and recognition of your values within a group, (and possibly, safety and a sense of place?).

Seems like you’re moving and growing through your cycles. And doing it with class.

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What’s your line of work if you don’t mind me asking?

fintech, product

Have also been in:
Software development
Design, UI/UX

Ah I see what you mean about the culture now. Do you find yourself enjoying the work or does it feel like too much/an obligation you took on?

Enjoy is a strong word. I appreciate the people I get to work with and the problems I get to solve. It’s the unending meetings and other stuff that can be a bother.

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Of course it is fintech.

Meetings are fun. :wink:

Of course?

Maybe, but are they more fun than other things I could be doing with that time? Nah.