Heart and Soul Thoughts

Journals - Major Programs
#1

The last few days reflected my state of mind quite well. Sometimes sunny, sometimes rainy, sometimes windy. I don’t really know what to do with my time. There is so much creativity in me, but I don’t know how to express it. My dream was to support other people with the texts I write. To show them that the storm in life is also followed by rainbows.

But no matter where I want to establish myself as a copywriter, I will only be rejected. Often I don’t get any feedback at all. Of course, I’ve thought about doing my own thing, but here, too, things are not going well. I just don’t know how to present myself and my message on social media. It feels like I’m trying something different every day because I can’t (don’t want to) commit myself

In the last few weeks, I kept thinking about supporting children in their lives. I have been through a lot in my life and I don’t want the children to experience so much suffering, trauma and hopelessness in life. We already have enough broken souls on this planet. I don’t want them to think about ending their lives through bullying or that parents transfer their fixed unuseful beliefs to their children.

I have no idea how to approach the whole thing and that makes me angry and sad at the same time. This hopelessness that lives in me right now seems to have paid rent for a long period of time. Currently I’m listening to Love Bomb and Sanguine, but I feel like I’m stagnating.

My thoughts revolve 24/7 only around how I manage to become successful so that I can reach out to others in a better life. But all I’ve achieved professionally so far is that companies “take the time” to send me a rejection. I just don’t know what I can do at the moment so that my life turns around 180 and I can finally help people.

I feel like I’ve completely failed.

#2

What about making videos on YouTube and share to your other platforms? Doing small daily actions helps a lot.

My background is in child and youth work, and I resonate completely with a lot of what you have said here. I became certified in suicide first aid and volunteered for an annual festival to raise funds and spread awareness for suicide prevention.

I began to have a burning desire back in 2007 to help children and youth/ all people really, to rise above their pain, their sorrows, their suffering, their traumas, through my creativity in whatever form.
I went through a lot growing up and ended up in child protective services at 14. Best thing that ever happened to me.

If we focus so much on how hard it is, it will be hard. If we focus on all the ways we can’t get things done, then that’s how it will be. We’ve got to wake up every day and set intentions and use that fire within to make it happen! Persistence babe!!

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#3

Due to my depression, it is extremely difficult for me to muster energy for videos and co. When I watch my own videos, all I see is a tired, energyless woman talking into the camera. I cry several times a day because I see the world coming to an end. Just today I read that Germany wants to reduce the penalty if you spread children’s pictures on the net without being asked. It all makes me so damn angry. Some parents on social media simply don’t care if their children are used as a template for masturbation.

I know theoretically that what we focus on is true, but in my opinion it is not quite true. If I were happy now, there would still be pedophiles on the move. How can I be happy when I know that? When people abuse children, emotionally or physically, they are bullied, they have to suffer at the hands of manipulative parents?

When parents consider their children their property? Forcing them to do things just because they gave birth to them and they think the children owe them something. Aren’t children allowed to do their thing? Do they always have to do everything they tell parents, even if they are already adults?

It’s a personal topic, it affects me in almost all situations in life. I had to endure a sexual assault by my “father”. My mother literally kicked me when I was already lying on the floor in pain. Always these transgressions of boundaries by the parents.

I don’t get along with my fiancee’s mother at all because she has so many traits of my parents. Not the beating or the assaults, but boundary crossings, manipulation, passive aggressive behavior and toxic traits. Yes, it’s quite possible that she doesn’t do it on purpose, but I absolutely can’t stand her presence. I think I hate her for being like that. It reminds me of all the pain, all the suffering I have experienced in my life.

We live in the house of my fiancé’s family and I feel absolutely insecure, sad, stressed and alone. I drink, every day and that actually started since we lived here. This energy of my parents’ home is so strongly present here. How am I supposed to heal, find a job, stop drinking and smoking if I feel absolutely disgusting here?

I have learned to banish people who are not good for me from my life immediately and without exception, but here my hands are tied.

Sorry, for the vomit post but that has been bothering me for so long.
In short, if my environment is not good for me, but I can’t leave, I need my energy to survive instead of living.

#4

If you work on cultivating that inner world of peace love joy safety wholeness & Persist there every single day, Eventually it will feel natural and be reflected in the outer world. Notice your daily reactions and work on reframing / revising your experiences. It’s definitely not easy at first but with any new skill or habit it takes time and practice to feel natural.

I understand what you’re saying. Believe me I do.

I suffered from depression and anxiety, but it was actually trauma manifested in physical ways. I’ve worked on my inner world diligently for over 4 years.

So much has changed. LB is really helping boost all the inner work I’ve done.

I had to stop focusing my attention on things that didn’t feel good. I acknowledged and processed them, but I had to stop dwelling there if I wanted to actually be a change maker / way shower for others going through stuff.

The more we talk about and give attention to things the more they grow and expand.

Now my friends, I want to say this to you. Fill your minds with thoughts about good things. Think about things that are true, clean, right and lovely. Always think about things which people know are very good.

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#5

I feel extremely overstimulated. My body is under constant stress. I don’t feel any peace in me and am accordingly quickly annoyed by others. Since we live in the house with my fiancee’s family, I have the feeling that I am never really alone or have privacy. No matter where I am, there is always someone somewhere. When I withdraw and try to relax, I feel like I can hear every step of the people here in the house. This is very stressful and disturbing for me.

Not having privacy has always been an issue for me. In my parents’ home, privacy was a foreign word. My mail was simply opened, my room was entered without knocking and my things were checked. They wanted to know why I was retiring.
Even when I was still with my ex I had zero privacy
He was even angry and attacked me when I said I wanted to be alone for a few hours. It even happened that he held the door or locked me up because I wanted to be alone and then had no business outside.
He really constricted me, as did my family.

I feel stressed when I can’t even be alone for a long time. I always have the feeling that I’m wearing shackles. Even here in the house, it was a problem when I withdrew and said that I didn’t want to participate in the shared meals. I just can’t have that. This trauma has haunted me for ages. I’m the problem because I’m withdrawing. I’m the problem when I address why I don’t feel like being in company.
I’m the problem when my boundaries are crossed again and again and I freak out or get angry because of it. I’M THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
The only thing I learned in my life is that family always takes the right to decide about me and my behavior. Maybe that’s why I like to be alone because I don’t want to allow others to control my life.

My fiancee suffers a lot from my mood swings. But I can’t really control them at the moment, because I never really come to rest. If it’s not the lack of privacy, then it’s bills and reminders that land in the mailbox almost every day. Even hugs and intimacies are often pure stress for my body, although I enjoy its closeness and love for me very much, but because my body lights up several hazard lights at once, I can’t enjoy any of it. I just feel the stress inside me.

I feel like I’m reliving my childhood and I don’t like that at all. Because this childhood was absolute hell for me…

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