Yesterday day 7 stark zp I think.
I haven’t missed any days since starting.
When I had a couple days off I relapsed no fap.
4 x once a day before back on the nofap grind.
I just feel drained of all my sexual energy. My voice is coming from a less deep more heady lungy place.
I kinda got a bit depressed and I wasn’t beating myself up or anything like that but just it had an affect on my energy and talkativeness.
Also my two days off I spent very unproductive and overslept a bit. It’s hard because my meds at night kinda knock me out so it’s harder to wake up.
Another reason why I might be a bit depressed is I haven’t been playing piano or drums and not really working on rap things.
It’s kinda cool that I had work to snap me out of it but it’s a really stressful job. I know I’m too smart and creative to be working a hospitality job like this. But also I have to be way more consistent smart and hard working if I wanna escape these normal jobs (even tho it’s at a quite posh restaurant).
Another reason I might be low is I was getting very high last week naturally with taking less medication.
There are other reasons that I can’t get into as my life is sort of a Cold War vibe.
I think my meds reduces my libido and also I think I may have low testosterone.
Another big thing is my mum and I are going through a break and due to the codependency we have built for whatever reason over recent years mental health probably being the main one; I gave her a kind of ultimatum to do a couple things before I would visit her again. What’s interesting is we haven’t even sent a single text to each other since. I think we can both be very stubborn spirits. I think for me I don’t wanna break and wanna wait til she messages me.
It’s kind of like going through an addiction I know that sounds weird. I think I have relied on my mum too much at times understandable why but now I’m healing and kicking this bipolar unstable crap to the curb it’s time to rely on myself more and not ask my mum a billion how to questions. I mean for flux sake we have Google nowaadays and YouTube channel for like all the things I wish my mum or dad taught me.
Anyone else think they have low testosterone and found a solution? But also could be me feeling down meaning low sex drive ughhh there’s so many possible reasons I just want a healthy consistent sex drive and an intimate relationship with someone who excites me and that I can trust. Is that too much to ask?
Oh and for my freaking bus to come…
If anyone else wants to become a rapper and think that’s part of their calling message me I started a discord server.
Maybe I’m going through recon. Had some of my best vibe/ energy / social skills during 7 day washout.
Great my right earphone is out of battery can’t even listen to music on way home. Sorry for the rant lol. Tomorrow I guess I will run renaissance man I think there has been more urgency to get back to music since being on it.
There’s guys who work at the restaurant full time with a wife or r whatever and they HAVE to work. Blows my mind how the rat race is. Slowly tears away at peoples souls.
I’m already thinking of quitting and I’ve been there what? 3 weeks. Of course the job is more suited to different people. I’ll challenge myself to stay 3 months hopefully and then have enough for twitch equipment do equipment a camera??? Who knows skys the limit.
Also firmed my first choice for uni at soas to study Chinese and world philosophy today.
Also I started hanging out with the frienemy again and we were having quite a lot of fun of course I was paying for everything
On top of that 2 close relationships turn out to be snakes. Hurts man.(one has been a relationship since I was a baby)
Just got snapped out of my “misery” by meeting the spitting image of a younger prince. He had the soul blueprint of prince too.
.
in white.