Geoff's Journal - Reflections of a Hero

[Geoff]

Today I had my first Craniosacral session with some osteopathic adjustments.

It was enlightening to see how much tension I hold in my mouth/Jaw aside from neck/shoulders. She literally put gloves on and did trigger points IN my mouth which was new to me.

Since getting home I felt strongly drawn to just laying on the floor, so I did. I feel lighter but also sore even though the session was light pressure unlike a massage. Paragon has definitely been at the forefront of a lot of habits Ive started and taking actions for things gone unaddressed for so long. I couldn’t figure out weeks ago why I felt so much desire to start walking yet have zero interest in working out/weight lifting. I think things are all pointing towards alignment, function and mobility. Thats the intuitive direction im getting. Not to push, not to go get jacked but to address and align. Im starting to believe that there is trapped energy in my body and its been a major root of limitation for me. I cant reach my upper back with my right arm but mostly with left and that makes sense why push ups are a problem, its all connected and the lack of range seen today was concerning.

Im impressed with how Paragon is helping my subconscious gain clarity and focus my drive correctly. I feel good about the habits im engaging in and the steady results im seeing. Looks like dorsi flexion and hip stretch work are now necessary as well.

[Geoff]

My really expensive light panel arrived today from China, only took 3 weeks or so.

Ran 5 mins of Red light and 1 min UVA/UVB. After leaving for work, I stopped to grab a smoothie and ended up having a solid conversation with the two smoothie girls. I get the feeling the one girl likes me as the way she looks at me is different but who knows. I just noticed a very open and enthusiastic state since using the light, like a mild pick me up.

Im kinda geeked about all this ‘health maxxing’ im doing. The motivation and drive scripting, paragon and the action im taking…its good. I like it. As the recon/frustration fades from the previous days, im left feeling good about the future.

I was able let go of the anger towards that coworker and his passive aggressive bs. I put myself in his life circumstances and understood that grace the right choice rather than resentment. Compassion is strength, understanding and forgiveness is honorable. Ill watch myself around him and others now but I wont cause myself suffering holding onto negative energy.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 15

Arete - 5 min

Regon - 3 min

Its been a week. Flooding across my area, lost water to my house the past two days. Finally got it fixed earlier today. I definitely felt Gratitude Embodiment working when it came to appreciating the things we as humans take for granted. I also felt noticeablly more calm during the inconvenience from Glm and Hero. It was very ‘whats done is done, can I solve this now…if not then dont worry about it until you can’.

My pants have become loose over the past week or two with just the daily walking. My teeth are shifting well since using mouthguard this past month, its a long term journey but its nice to see positive change already as it can be a lot of discomfort at times wearing it, progress makes it worth it.

Started using my red light, working up to all the features over time. Man, I didnt realize how tired you could get after using. Yesterday and today, a few hours after using I became quite tired. Especially today with the unusually frequent yawning . I should switch to before bed instead of midday.

Internally I am still bothered by my coldness towards others. Instead of being patient, charitable and kind, theres just a lot of unresolved hurt blocking the expression of these virtues. I keep wondering if I’ll overcome it or if im just metaphorically running into a wall over and over again. Theres subtle frustration that bubbles up randomly when interactions takes place whether in person, on the phone or online. I get upset at the thought of being loving to others because of the unresolved pain hiding within, its becoming more and more obvious. Im not sure what Regeneration is doing to help untangle this but im getting tired of state of upset. I increased to 5 mins from 3 on Arete and 3 min from 1 on Regon to see if that will help break through this issue.

I do feel exhausted in a deep way, from many angles and though ive been sleeping a good 8 hours the past week(thankfully) I still do not wake up feeling rested/renewed. I’ll keep trying to find the key.

[Geoff]

I was cruising the Paragon Sales page today and noticed two features that I think have been expressing.

Healing Inner Circle

Supports you in naturally attracting the right healthcare providers, healing modalities, support systems, and resources for your specific recovery needs. Not through force or desperation, but through the subtle alignment that occurs when your clarity about what you need meets the availability of appropriate support.

In practice, this means the right doctor appears at the right time, you hear about treatments that prove effective, you encounter people who have navigated similar healing journeys, and resources align in ways that feel synchronistic. Healing becomes supported by a web of appropriate care rather than isolated struggle.

I think starting Craniosacral Therapy was a direct result of this. Although I did find this place from the basis of Qeeg neurofeedback, I ended up not pursuing that and starting this.

Which then I read this feature -

Health Trisync

Addresses the integration of physical, emotional, and energetic aspects of healing — recognizing that tension held in tissue often carries emotional content, that chronic pain can have psychological dimensions, and that true healing requires addressing all three domains simultaneously.

This holistic approach supports release of trauma stored in the body, resolution of psychosomatic patterns, and the kind of deep healing that addresses not just what hurts but why it began hurting in the first place. Recovery becomes comprehensive rather than fragmented.

If im being honest, this whole week Ive felt more emotionally activated. Things being brought up from childhood. I got triggered in a conversation with my mother about my son and the past. A lot of reactivity on my part but Regeneration has been helping to modulate the intensity of my reactions. I teared up a few times the past two days whenever this issue surfaced which I never did before, it was usually just anger and frustration, not sadness. I think this therapy is going to help the release process along with Paragon. I didnt remember these features but glad I re-read Paragon. It makes sense why I started now.

Cellular Sleep

Enhances the quality and depth of your sleep — not just duration, but the restorative processes that occur during rest. Supports the body’s natural repair mechanisms that activate during deep sleep: hormone regulation, immune function enhancement, cellular cleanup, neural consolidation, and tissue regeneration.

Better sleep means better healing across every system. You may notice waking more restored, needing less recovery time, experiencing improved mood and cognitive function, and feeling your body using rest more efficiently. Sleep becomes the powerful healing tool it was always meant to be.

I’m not really sure if this feature is working or not but I do sleep about 8 hours now, breathwork has been a great help but as I mentioned previously, I dont wake up feeling renewed or rested. Im consistently feeling like I got the minimum needed to make it through another day. Body tension and stress is still there. Im hoping Craniosacral sessions over time help remove the embedded tension. Subs themselves have not solved this issue, chiropractic work did nothing and massages treated a chronic symptoms but also solved nothing. If Paragon + Regeneration + Craniosacral + Neurofeedback doesnt solve it, we’ll I am probably just screwed.

I am going back to original Othmer Neurofeedback to try a few frequency changes as a last resort to fix this disconnection I rant about. I really dont want to pursue it anymore but nothing ive done outside of it has addressed it so I am pretty confident its a suboptimal frequency issue. The challenge is, what site needs adjusted? And do I need an increase or decrease in frequency. I’m so beyond tired of living with this handicap.

Not having 100% of your mind working is a situation I wouldnt wish on anyone, not even an enemy. It affects everything and some days I struggle to not feel hopeless. It shouldn’t be this F’ing hard to fix nor should it be over a year living like this. Anyways, I’ll stop there. Stay Positive

[Geoff]

Slept in 1 hour, not a great start but ended up doing up my walk with mouthguard. I wasnt feeling like doing anything today, my mind saying “Its a Sunday, a day of rest and your only day off!”

So I decided to pull my car into garage and change my front struts and sway bar links. Took about 3 hours in total, not bad. It felt like a debate in my mind between Regeneration and Glm and motivationmodules. One saying its okay to rest but the other saying, be responsible and do what needs done. Now Im resting as I write this. I really enjoy this straightforward discipline im building and reinforcing through daily living.

Ive been tracking my thoughts a little and im noticing a lot of internal reactivity to what I perceive as stupidity. Too much judgment and condemnation. It is directed at self as well if I dont follow through on whatever Ive decided but towards the external is worse. Interestingly I dont have feelings of superiority, I dont feel ego-ic. Its like a frustration towards seeing weakness, ignorance and foolish mixed with indignation towards unrighteousness. Its been a struggle trying to balance myself out. I did everything stupid, wrong and unrighteous in life as we all do sooner or later so why am I so triggered? Im not sure what sub or modules is affecting this, not sure how to move through it. I’ve been considering rebuilding Arete but adding ARES and Discordia Deliverance to help deal with this. I was thinking one of the Love Bombs as well but really I’m already listening to 4 cores so probably not wise. I didnt forsee having such a struggle as this.

I cant figure out if Im upset at people, the behaviors or myself that I see in others. I think a lot is projection, I try to own everything and not blame others because 99% of the time it is ME. If I get upset and feel annoyed by another person, what is it in me that is the problem? Its really not about them. First thought is simply the absence of Love. For myself and others. While I have improved greatly from Love Bomb in the past, its obvious there is some block affecting me. Being disgusted with yourself and seeing your own weakness or foolishness in others triggers the negativity I think. Loving myself enough to start taking action (back on Emperor/LB) is what led to the changes Ive made since that custom (Evolution). So my thought is that I need more love, more forgiveness, understanding and compassion - for myself because I cant seem to fully accept or invest in the external but im still quite empty.

Im wondering if the fact that my Metaphorical ‘well of foundational love is low/empty’ is why Im not feeling much of anything from most of the Virtues. Kindness - I honestly feel the opposite and it disturbs me. Charity - Ill have a thought or idea of something I could do but never do or back out or avoid later which feels shameful. Hope - Im not sure if its Hope or Carpe Diem Ascended or Winner Overdrive to be honest but I have felt a sense of steadiness for the future regardless of how bad things are becoming globally. Patience - Ive been less patient driving, more inclined to avoid ppl and conversation but I dont feel like entertaining nonsense. Temperance - less interested in a lot things, more prone to letting go or passing on things. Could be Breaking the Cycle or Power of Sacrifice as well. Diligence- probably the one I feel most but Glm deals with this too. Im very consistent and driven and being a 4 Lifepath only helps so Im not surprised by this.

Patience, Charity and Kindness are a struggle. Loving others as yourself feels impossible for me at this point. I think about that concept and what it looks like and I feel a sense of emptiness inside like I have nothing to give. Im too busy finally giving attention to myself after decades of putting the world first. Man, trying to embody a Hero archetype is not easy. I keep wondering if Im ready for such scripting. Then I think, we’ll if I wasnt using this custom what would I be using? Nothing else truly calls to me. I read Ascension which hit quite a few points for me however it isnt exactly what Im looking for. I need something less worldly. Glm is solid AF though. I need to continue with Regon as I pursue bodywork, traumatic energy release and neurofeedback for the remaining issue but I think once that starts getting solved I could pivot to the Live Bombs in order to fill me up with the Love that truly fuels Virtuous behavior and a Hero Archetype.

[Trader]

I’ve been waiting on the new Ascension. Glad it’s here. about to stack it with the updated GLM. Put my GLM At the Top name embed one.

Stand back

[Geoff]

Are you doing stage 1? Or just stage 2 + Glm/At The Top

Still on Khan/Glm? How well does Glm temper Khans aggressive sexuality?

[Trader]

I hadn’t even read the copy yet or downloaded. Been busy today working on my latest Empire Project. Didn’t even realize it’s a 2-stager until you said that.

I’ll have to read the page to decide on that.

[Geoff]

Nice little bloom today. Ive been feeling Masculine AF today. Strong, smooth and in control. Divine Self-Image is coming through too. Ive got this “I feel good about myself today” vibe activated as well.

Nothing arrogant, no ego based superiority. Only this pure sense of Self in the strongest way kind of state.

The Recon on 5 mins since my loop friday has really only been mental burden, processing fatigue. I have yet to feel emotionally unbalanced and the semi cold frustration has been more subtle than last week (at least so far). The physical fatigue has been increasing a bit but im not fully clear on where its coming from. I reduced my Red light/UVA/UVB back to 5 mins/1min/1min from 10mins/3 min/3min. Doing MWF instead of everyday. Going for morning power walks has been locked in, not missing a day in 3 weeks since I started, even when raining I still go. Im not convinced I need a day off from walking so I dont skip. Paragon/Regeneration could be pressing rest on me harder since moving to 3 mins, I’ll keep watching it but I think once a week even at higher time is going well.

Today’s been a good day, even with a subtle headache I feel sturdy and content.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 16

Arete - 5 min

Regon - 3 min

LBFH - 15 seconds*

Things are decent. I had my first neurofeedback session after my break tues, was a little too high arousal and yesterday went back for adjustment. Im getting a much better response now since she changed how she grounded when training sites.

This week I noticed a kind of bloom or activation of Virtue Series: Kindness. It could also be VS: Hope but my gut feeling is Kindness. I think parts have been reconciled within me on giving Kindness. I was stuck with a lot of hurt from my past and the whole “Why should I be kind to anyone when I was used, abused, betrayed, taken for granted, rejected, humiliated and bullied” but now I feel more detached, dare I say free from that hurt and see myself allowing kindness to be expressed without expectation or need of reciprocation.

I added LBFH today because I have Craniosacral therapy today before work and the nervous system and fascia features intrigue me. Granted Im using Paragon/Regeneration already but I couldnt pass up the chance to test this out.

Im already feeling the processing load of my loops, its a lot. Im also curious to see if this processing is better or worse since neurofeedback as it can definitely affect my minds processing capability.

[Geoff]

Well that was wild. During craniosacral therapy I had a nice release when she was doing mouth work. I seem to hold a lot of stuck energy in the mouth but from what shes told me, its a common place.

I felt fear, anxiety, started sweating. My eyes were closed and my eyes were moving just like when in Rem dreaming or how it goes with EMDR. I felt quite uncomfortable but it was a good thing.

Idk if I processed the 15 seconds of LBFH and it helped or not but being only my 2nd session, this was a bigger result than the first. I started laughing/smiling while also feeling mild sadness and fear all at once. Thats a crazy experience. My neck, shoulders and arms feel sore like I just left the gym. Ill be honest, I wasnt expecting much from Craniosacral and figured id stop going by the second session but damn, Im impressed. Chiropractic and massage didnt do much of anything but this does.

Paragon + Regeneration + LBFH + Neurofeedback = A better me.

"Fascia and Flow

The body holds memory in its tissue. Every bracing, every contraction, every moment of drawing inward to protect a place that needed protecting — the fascia, the soft web that wraps and connects every structure within you, has been quietly keeping that record. This feature helps the tissue soften, not through force but through the patient accumulation of enough sustained safety that the body finally believes it can let go.

In practice, you feel layers release that you did not know were layers. Places you had considered merely sore reveal themselves as places where something had been held, quietly, for years. As the fascia softens, what had been curled inward in self-protection begins, quietly, to uncurl toward the world. The body’s long-held no becomes, at last, a yes."

This feature + the action of Craniosacral is going to be very impactful going forward. My stack is dense AF but this seems necessary.

[Geoff]

Ive been feeling soft since fridays loops and therapy session. Im not sure if its the 15 seconds of LBFH or craniosacral or what but Ive been more tired overall, less motivated and experiencing this fear and apprehension around others.

I went for my walk today like I do everyday but slept in almost 2 hours so it was later around 10:30am vs 8-ish. I normally do a section of my walk by the public access area of the lake backwards. As I started this transition, I noticed one vehicle parked and a solo man fishing while smoking a cigarette on the dock. This sudden sense of fear hit me and I cut my walk short and started back home. This wasnt a fear of danger, I wasnt scared of ‘him’. As Ive been thinking about it, it seems like a strong lack of authenticity or courage to own myself and the things I do. I seemed fearful of the possible judgment this guy would have expressed by seeing me walk backwards and that caused me to completely abandon my daily habit/routine.

What is the root of fear of judgment? Social ostracization at its worst? Walking backwards is not really a freakish thing to do but my mind reacted really oddly. It bothers me that I basically stopped being me because there was someone around. This really is not okay.

Gabor mate always talks about how people in childhood are faced with two choices in interactions when trying to get needs met. Attachment and Authenticity. The more I review this morning, the more I think about how ppl give up authenticity for acceptance from the parent,tribe or world as a whole. To not be or feel rejected for being or acting in contrary ways within established behavior of a social group or culture.

This ‘incident’ within myself was purely a projection put out due to some unresolved issue in me. What is the solution? How does one overcome something like this, do you force yourself through situations?

Since LBFH and that session, tensions seems lower which is an overall positive however I notice that I had always used tension, stress and frustration as a sort of springboard or foundation for this disciplined/militant type of mindset. Feeling this open type softness has made it really difficult to feel that rigid, strong masculine state that I’ve been cultivating. Its like trying to be hard and soft at the same time…lol. I’ve definitely felt like ive been in healing mode since friday. Ive been feeling a lot of Regeneration-like scripting, a desire to hide and rest and seek safety. Ive felt aversion to watching or listening to anything online or on TV that could be upsetting.

To be honest, Ive been fighting myself on resting because theres a belief in my mind that resting = laziness. Ive caught myself pushing back whenever I wanted to rest, sleep in or skip walking. I never skipped a walk since starting and I am afraid if I skip even once, the routine might fall apart. I wouldnt let myself stay in bed sat even though it was very obvious I could have used another hour or two. Today I stayed in bed about 1.5hrs or so. I did notice better color in my face today when yesterday I looked pale. So I guess I need to listen to myself more and reframe these thoughts about rest. Theres been some recon within me about Regenerations objectives, seems like LBFH kind of supercharged Regeneration a little bit as Im not really feeling much from my Hero/Glm custom compared to last week.

Interesting stuff for sure.

[Geoff]

I stopped to get a smoothie on the way to work(still working 6-7 days a week). I noticed this light defensiveness within me. I felt guarded and did not make small talk with the smoothie girls. I did catch both the girls at different times sneak a glance at me but that was it. I do feel my aura or vibe is off a bit. Not because of others but within myself.

I have noticed that since friday that there has been a small increase in social interactions. More people speaking to me at work, conversations easier to entertain and an increased willingness to be helpful or accommodating towards those needing something (at work specifically).

Before I left for work, before the smoothie stop my neighbor flagged me as I was leaving and started a chat as well. I gave him around 10 mins then had to go but he seemed drawn to talk to me as well. I am definitely feeling that others are drawn to me but for me, I am feeling kind of apprehensive or maybe uninterested in a way. Not because I dont care but honestly it may be because I dont feel ready for it. Theres this hesitation and it feels like my ‘well isnt full’ to handle whatever is coming to me. Its mostly just recon I imagine, after all Im at 5 cores currently which is ridiculous. Starting to get annoyed at myself for allowing such a high amount of scripting. Ive already changed my subs from when I started and while I do think doing so has helped greatly, im probably heading into difficult future if I dont clarify my goals and regain direction.

I either continue with Regon(Paragon+Regeneration) or replace with LBFH but not both even though just 15 seconds of LBFH seemed to ignite a strong healing over this weekend. I really love Arete, my custom of Hero/Glm is doing such amazing work within me theres no way I’d stop anytime soon. Its just starting this craniosacral therapy and Regon that has been pulling me towards a more healing focused path because Im seeing profound results and it makes me want to pour more focus and effort into that. But at the same time I want to get more into physical training, masculine drive and building an unbreakable mindset which brings me back to the struggle I mentioned in my last post above. It feels like Im trying to become hard and soft at the same time and im not sure thats possible? By soft I am referring to the openness of relaxation, understanding and honoring my body and cultivating a sense of safety for my nervous system to finally release its dysregulation. Contrasted with this desire to be an unbreakable, masculine virtuous hero that stands in the face of evil and doesnt back down to temptation or fall to deception. Remaining strong, steady and courageous. So im not sure how to create that balance. It seems more possible to do one before the other but I dont think I am willing to pause Arete and focus on Regon + LBFH.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 17

Arete - 5 min

Regon - 3 min

LBFH - 20 seconds

Id say it was a heavy week of integration. Its been especially difficult for me to accept things outside of my control that I have to tolerate, especially at work.

Neurofeedback in general is going much better now than it ever was when I was on 3rd shift. Aside from a small decrease in sleep quality and minor side effects, things are decent. Disconnectedness has improved which was a main complaint. Ive noticed a lot more general agitation since that lifted and I think my mind has been playing catch up with the scripting of my stack. Just a guess

The weight on virtue scripting seems heavier as well. Im struggling to balance myself and ease the intensity of indignation I feel towards others and the world. Could be recon from LBFH too as I seem to have a major issue with loving others as myself. I increasingly feel less tolerant and more subtly hostile towards incompatible behaviors, ideology and actions expressed through whoever. It isnt really the person but the programming expressing through them. I am not outside of this either, the difference is I can respond to my own B.S. but others not so much. I struggle with acceptance.

I would expect to feel the way I do on maybe Emperor or Khan, possibly Ascension but am surprised by Gm/Hero. Maybe its not the scripting rather just my own ideology and programming. My over simplified goal was basically to become Strong and Kind and I dont see that in myself, at least not yet. So far I seem bitter, judgmental, hippocritical, unloving, close minded, unaccepting, dismissive, frustrated and indignant for negatives. And positives I seem disciplined, self controlled, driven, temperant and dedicated. Theres a lot to be improved on.

I want to put more focus and effort on the physical embodiment on Masculine Mastery lately as it seems Ironic to build strong behavior but look like the opposite. Doing the health stuff, craniosacral therapy and rucking are consistently helping me but I keep wanting to push even though things arent healed yet. Its tough when your mind is saying let’s go and your body says not yet, be smart. Glm I think has given me a strong desire to cultivate a strong body which wasnt obvious when I was using just Hero Origins. Paragon has been a blessing in keeping me balanced. Im just struggling with patience. Its difficult to wait and take it slow after being affected by a traumatic life that essentially killed decades of my life to now feeling like things are possible for me but I have to take it slow. Its…going to take time yet I feel like time is running out and the sense of urgency is real.

I feel completely inadequate as I am and theres so many things to work on. Even as I see myself improving, it just doesnt seem good enough or happening fast enough. Im not sure why I frame things in that way, its not helpful but I guess im worried that if I give myself too much credit or celebrate myself that Ill delude myself in Ego and sedate my progress in complaceny supported by illusions of accomplishments.

I dont want to complain about work honestly but theres such a strong corruption going on within my new department that Ive been quite upset by. This rewarding failure side deal bullshit going on while coddling the incompetent is to put it bluntly infuriating. Ive been trying hard to not make waves but I feel theres a strong lack of values with those I work with. A lack of justice and complacency by those who could do something. It makes it very challenging to let go and absolve myself from this kind of scenario. I honestly want to call them out but I know it will change nothing and backfire on me if I do.

Its been a heavy week, and soon things are just going to get more difficult.

[Geoff]

This weekend I had off from work and ended up getting a lot around the house. I noticed a neighbor Ive rarely interacted with walk over to me while I was mowing or actually picking up sticks before I started mowing. He literally walked over and asked if he could help me pick up sticks. I literally glitched, that came out of nowhere and has never happened to me, ever. I agreed and then he starts talking about how he’s seen morel mushrooms growing and asked about picking some in the future but wanted to ask permission out of respect. I highly valued the respect part, im big on that.

Anyways I attribute this to LBFH.

I also had overly friendly interactions throughout the weekend. I saw my barber yesterday and we had a great time, he went extra effort on me as well. I think my haircut is the best he’s done so far. Afterwards he wanted to show me his new used car and we chatted about that for another 20 mins or so. LBFH for the win.

Even my neighbor knew a scrap guy who he called the minute he saw me organizing all my metal scrap in garage and me saying I needed to find a place to unload it to. Super helpful.

Aside from that, my habits are going strong. My daily walks Ive upgraded. I bought an ergonomic ruckpack with a 20lb weight plate and now do my 30 min walks everyday with weight. I only skipped 1 walk on Saturday but thats because I spent 7 hours outside mowing, burning cardboard, cleaning garage ect…I made up for it.

The drive for consistent effort and success is my favorite result so far. I feel good about the choices I make, the actions I take and the ways life is improving for me. I’ve been cutting out foods more and more to avoid toxicity and its getting a little ridiculous how little choice I have in food variety these days but I cant argue with how much better I am doing. Discipline is way up and the best part is the consistency. Anyone can be disciplined for a day or a weekend but long term…thats where it is. The amount of ‘fluff’ Ive cut from my life is impressive. Power of Sacrifice and Breaking the Cycle have been indispensable in that process. I get excited when I find something unnecessary in my life and cut it, I feel stronger with less.

I get it now when SaintSovereign said he had always lived a Spartan lifestyle when he mentioned his fiancé bought him a plush robe awhile back. Granted he was working to embrace the finer things if I remember correctly but I find it very satisfying to not surround myself or fill my life with so much fluff. Most weekends I am looking for things to throw out or donate and its wild because a year ago I would ‘windows shop online’ and make list of shit to buy just to feel relevant or to fill a void. Now I spend $ to invest in myself like the light device, mouthguard, a few select supplements, barefoot shoes, ruckpack, neurofeedback and craniosacral therapy etc.

You address the little things that you do daily. I used to fixate on this big changes I wanted to make and nothing ever changed. Addressing the consistent actions taken everyday is key. I am looking at as much as I can and refining what I can, cutting what doesnt give positive results and adding powerful habits and its working. Im becoming a version of myself I dont recognize and thats the goal. I dont want to see in me anything from the past.

[Geoff]

Everytime I start doing things that I don’t want to do, I grow.

[Geoff]

I had a really great neurofeedback session today. She used Synchrony on me and I swear it felt more like a Spiritual experience than a technical one. I actually shed 3 different tears over the 15 minute run yet I felt super relaxed and calm. As I was watching the screen running a basic moving background(like a screensaver) I felt like I was connected or connecting to God. As weird as that sounds, it was like something felt reconnected and started expressing. It was pretty interesting. So ever since Ive been in a really great mood and I feel good in the body/mind too.

Man, this stack is going great, positive action and just all the progress happening. Its motivating AF.

Weirdly I started wanting to entertain the idea of traveling. Ive always shunned travel, holidays, vacations, road trips, exploring. I was so full of trauma in mind and body and now I feel this emergence of wanting to experience things. Its as if Im finally starting to feel as one should at say 18 to 20 years old when theres nothing but excitement and motivation for the vast opportunities ahead, yet Im experiencing it now… at 41. I never felt it back then. This shows just how much progress and healing is happening. All Glory goes to the Lord of course, I may direct my path but he orders my steps and makes it all happen.

This is the ‘best’ Ive felt in my entire life. The stability, the positivity and the appreciation. The masculinity, drive and enthusiasm for getting to do things. I never had that in the past and now its here, finally.

[Geoff]

Man, I let some dude in a 4 door sedan hype me up on way home tonight. He was speeding, acting a little reckless and for some reason I stayed up with him then started feeling the urge to speed as well. Ended up going 125mph bout half way home with him on my tail. Of course we come up to a one lane closure area and this car decides to change lanes as soon as he sees me coming fast, had to brake and they switch out of my lane letting me continue on around 100 only get behind us and bright us. Once cleared that car follows me off the ramp just riding my bumper with high beams on then just stops at the stop sign as I continue on.

Idk man, Im not proud of it. The whole thing reeked of immaturity, impatience and dishonorable behavior. Letting others behavior affect me has been a challenge this week and now this. Gas is $4.89 and im speeding like fuel is free. Ive let my negative coworker complain for over an hour the past two nights. I maintain a good mood mostly but let him suck me into the drama. Overall things are going well but after tonight, I am starting to notice a pattern and I dont like it.

Boundaries, making decisions without emotions and actually demonstrating virtuous behavior. Ive gotta get a grip and stop allowing myself to participate in unhelpful things. I have to acknowledge something is unsafe or unproductive and actually do the right thing.

Talk is cheap, intentions dont have any impact. Its like a lack of identity or authenticity, nah its incongruency and I have to own that. Lesson learned, time to do better.

[Geoff]

Idk if last night triggered recon or recon triggered last night. I woke up feeling really displeased with myself, like a whole nother level of conviction. Self admonishment is high.

I ran to corner store earlier and was driving normally, a car in front was slowing down to turn left. I slowed, they turned. An suv was behind me and as I started accelerating back to 55/60mph he goes to pass me. Now my immediate thought and reaction was to speed up and block him as a big county plow truck was in the oncoming lane. I ended up letting off the gas once I realized what I was doing. I dont understand why my first reaction was unkind and basically evil.

I notice that my confidence is lacking in general. When you lack things like self respect, confidence ect, I guess you become reactive and over compensate in bad ways. I think my behaviors and thoughts are a reflection of these things lacking. I thought back to the drive earlier and saw that I felt offended and probably disrespected that he wanted to pass me and the reaction in my mind was to attack him back through speeding up and not allowing him through.

Im wondering why this even is a thing? Why did I feel personally wronged by something that wasnt really about ‘me’ at all. I woke up today wanting to quit subs as well, so something is being triggered.

[Geoff]

I just realized also that these impulsive and aggressive actions could be an effect of higher testosterone. My levels have been steadily increasing over the past 2.5 years and reading up on the effects of high-er T could definitely be a contributing factor.

I do feel less patient overall, less compromising and unwilling to tolerate nonsense. Ive been a small decrease in humility which has bothered me. I dont feel arrogant or prideful so much as I feel dismissive and unwilling towards anything or everything I judge as unimportant or ‘stupid’.

Its problematic and my life is starting to lack balance in various ways.