But what makes it depressed me in the first place
Distorted Thoughts, wrong mindset
Actually i was wanting a specific university i was thinking it was the best, but when i researched a university that i heard it’s name, it known place. then i changed my mind that this is the best, because it’s different than the others in türkiye. if you enter the university it allows you to choose whatever what you want( in terms of major programs) and if i succeed to entering here it will give a good amount of money(scholarship) for this i should aprrx top in 300-400 students. i know i have potential (consciously) but i can’t study and I’m at home, alone. it makes it harder.
i failure because of my mindset, and if i can’t change i will fail again maybe till I die. Fuck no.
in this year after the exams are announced, i feel the pain of regret and it’s so fuckin bad. So fucking bad I feel doomed, fucked up, I’m not doing anything now but preparing the exam again give me chance to change this, but still i cant do anything it will be my fourth time. Why i am in this situation, why i can’t be successful. When i think the future i can’t think genuinely that it will be great, i will be happy etc.
Yes i have problems, and most of the time it teaches me something but this time i don’t when it will be end. They say endure the pain, i don’t know if I’m doing this successfully
Do i find the reward really valuable? Or do i really believe that i will get what i want?
First i can’t believe all of sudden, I have to study for it, build momentum
i dont feel good somrtihng haunting me down, like my sptirit tear aparat.
no one to talk about in real life, no family members to understand
You know what i don’t want this pain to go away, i wanna live it in my cells, i want to live fully i want it to destroy me because i don’t want to live this pain again
And all of this makes it harder to study, i don’t want study, i want this cycle to be end
After the frustrations i had yesterday, i ejaculated.
yes i want to break free from chains of pmo, but abstaining makes me depressive.
Anyway today was not bad, i studied today much more than i expected. Tomorrow is arm and delts day.
lol, there’s a girl i saw on yt who is beautiful and make self development and make up videos etc but she’s one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen, and then i saw she’s engaged and i saw the guy…
the girl is like 9-10/10 but the guy is physically like 4-5/10 not in a great shape, male type balding. it makes dissonance.
it was actually kinda funny, beacuse a few days ago i was thinking about my hair I’m not balding but what would happen in the future, more thick hair or little hair over there would be great etc and after this I saw this guy. idk. I’m stupid.
About my studies, i decided to not push myself hard, i need consistency
I was reading easy-peasy method, and i saw this and makes no sense, confused me:
…There’s absolutely nothing to give up. By that, it isn’t meant that you will be better off as a non-PMOer (you’ve known this all along)
if it isn’t meant that i will better as a non pmoer, why would i try to get rid of? Am i missing something?
I’ve came across a book called the freedom model that it’s better but it’s 470 pages, i don’t want to read sake of reading
i feel like this, i don’t wanna end up like this.
i gotta hit the road
(Though I’d prefer a Ferrari or pagani)
idk what’s going to happen, there are lots of uncertainties. There’s one thing I’m sure and it’s that I’m gonna die at someday.
Yesterday i told my self it was last pmo sessions,
There’s a thought that if I’m pmoer i can’t be successful student but i know friends who they were watching prn but still got it. Ofc everybody is different.
Negative thought patterns, ungratefulness, victim mindset, addictions…
A lot of things come to my mind and then disappear, they come in a crise moment fuck me for a few hours and then gone but sometimes they stay like weeks but i hardly aware of them
I feel slightly better than yesterday. I mean I’m more calm. Mostly because of what I’m reading. This is important but mostly neglected. Mental diet.
Input, output.
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