Completed the workout, did some qigong, first time I wasn fully relaxed. But knee issue is still continue I will look for some other treatments.
And I feel better than yesterday
I need inner peace.balance. I want love, but I should first solve the exam thing and it makes me ill, and it makes me feel like a stupid, a failure I can’t live life, I get boring from my famil they only create stress, nothing positive. and for all of this the only thing I can do is study and getting in very good university, be in top 100 students is important for me because it means I can go everywhere I go but more importantly I will get scholarship so I can be more independent I don’t want to take money from my father, if I can’t do this I have to work in a job, life in Türkiye is hard especially for students. I basically hate it. I fuxkin hate it. And doing pmo is fucking all of the things. When you in state like this you let go the progress. You give up. Like a month ago I was asking to myself what would do my strongest, wisest self against conflicts, hardships etc. What would do my strongest version? Be in control
New day did some qigong again, today I tried this one:
Strange thing is when I do randomly qigong moves throughout the day i feel more sensation, but when I’m doing like routine,mission, on a purpose I feel less. Interesting maybe because in the first situation I’m more relax and care free.
And the number one thing I want to solve about this practices is my breathing, today I was okay but most of the time my breathing is like blockaged. It’s not only bad for the practice, but also for my lessons because at my last exam I’ve struggled because of this when you can’t properly breathing you can’t properly think too. I called my doctor for a situation like this like 1-2 years ago he gave me a spray. And not too much useful. I should solve this.
When I looked to the August to the September, I started good but then I broke up the momentum I built. Now I feel like I’m starting again. But I can’t reach the study hours,I have before. when I looked to the day I started to study it was a bit rondom decision but at that that I also decided to not to look the phone. I need similar thing. But I find excuses like I started learning qigong so I need phone etc. But I can look to what will I do the night before the day etc. I need some arrangements. I don’t want to ban phone completely this is not good though. During my working studying, I don’t allow my self to chill, relax. I am so black or white about this. I hate this sentence but this is marathon. Give yourself some space, permissions, and what do I mention is giving yourself some allow to read some books etc. I can’t relax and I hope sanguine will help with this one. I will start run subs on next Monday. so it will be 2weeks washout.
New day, did qigong it was more grueling that the befores. Generally I feel bit tired, and still have breathing thing. I was but struggling when im doing qigong because of this.
I have to study but I don’t want to do anything. Need new plan new roadmap.
And my family they really distrup my peace. I’m sickenened of them, unstable. I really ask them how can they be my family? I have to go the university i want this time. And this pressure doesn’t make it easier
I feel like ill today, need to be careful.
I make mistakes but I should take lessons from them. Why did happen to me? What did trigger ir?
People keep talking about hero’s journey etc. I don’t want to be hero or anything like this, I just want to get through this. And have what I want, what I desire.
What should I do, what is my mission, is it exam now? I don’t know what to say about this, but it’s like torture.
I have to make progress. Make it clear the problem, like pmo, yes you are struggling, but to be a better man you should solve this permanently. i started to learn qigong but it’s not enough.
First my goal is getting uni i want okay.
After then? Romance. Sexual freedom. Some money.
i think these are my main things, maybe after that I can deep delve to spirituality etc…
What i mean by romance and sex; solving the limitations around my sexuality, and having a partner exactly like what i want (or better) and having amazing sexual relationship. i don’t want casual/ hookup. i just want the one. Only one partner. i am virgin and i want her to be virgin too. We are only each other’s. divine love, a relationship last eternally.
But before that ask yourself are you really worthy for her? Before that i have works to do, limitations to solve. Like in this situation, let’s say you get the girl but if she gets pregnant accidentally, can you take care of her? Can you build a family? Do you have that financial freedom?
But first im tired of saying this but i have to win exam. i have to be in top 100. What is preventing me? Or why i don’t believe this %100 percent? Like i should control my sexuality, i hope I will solve this with KB and Qigong. But then what? There are some details with my lessons, but not big thing I should first arrive there. What?
Also i have discomfort when study. This is annoying me too.
And now i need new checkpoints this is motivating me little. And need to decrease the time goes for the phone etc, i should look at after the noon, evening.
So first i should solve the issues about my studying lessons. Because this is the most important thing now.
But also i feel little bad about my age, i feel like I’m left behind. I’m 21, i graduated from high school in 2022 still i haven’t gone to the college.
I don’t understand how I have come to this situation, and actually i can’t accept it, well if I’m being truthful i feel that I’m lost. And all the years i’ve tried to find my way.
They restricted the internet archive
First day of the new cycle
KBST1 and Sanguine today, the other sub is limitless
Tomorrow is the leg day there are things that iam unsure about this program but after all I’ve just started new. But i might add some moves, because ive replaced deadlift with back extension i don’t think with that move my abs doesn’t work too much. And in overall, there are no too much exercises which train my abdominals, so I can add abs crunches.
And I’m thinking adding the farmer walks again. Im doing it for a long time. i want strength like herculean strength
Despite that i ran KBST1 and Sanguine i felt horny and some cravings to pmo, but after that i did some qigong moves and felt slightly better
Back from gym it was leg day, i did:
Leg extension,leg press (superset)
Standing calf raises, atg split squat, and farmer walks. Actually farmer walks and split squat wasn’t in my list but i did it anyway.
i mentioned about this earlier and when i watched the training video Mike said it: this program designed for exclusive purpose of marshalling all your body’s energy and resources onto the side of maximum growth in your major muscle groups, any exercise you might add beyond listed will merely subtract from maximum growth in the major muscle groups.
He is strict on this and after he said, why not build a 20 inch arm first and then worry about details.
He might right. doing too much exercises might steal from growth in the major muscles, maybe it could related to running too much subs, results will be slower.
And about abs I’m still unsure, I don’t want to weaken my core. There is no move for this, maybe doing deadlift etc could train the abs, but it’s not in my list anymore. But actually with the farmer walk abs should stabilize the body. So probably i won’t remove this move, and i kinda like the move after the walk i feel like I’m going to fly
I was going to write something, but I gave up. because I don’t want to complain, it has no use.
even if sometimes i get angry to my mother she is the only one in the family i love. to my father, I don’t even want to call him father.
and i dont like the life, it sucks often.
even if im losing now i should win in the end, i have to.
if you dont, dont call yourself as a living thing, you are dead, you’d better die
positive thinking, know that you can achieve waht you want, dont complain, and know you react what you create.