Lol man when i was teenager, i was thinking my destiny bound the them which i support(edit:not always I thought like that now i read again it looks like serious statement lol, i was just joking at that time), and this year it was like this too, i started with hope but ended with disappointment same goes for fenerbahec as well, but now presiden candidate(former club president for 20years) says that he negotiated with Jose Mourinho and when he selected he will bring Jose, but he said; “even if i can’t selected I’m wanting Jose to join fener and i told him” (also current president interested with Jose too)
Man it seem illogical lol i know but this year I mean next season could be successful for both fenerbahçe and for me. Actually i want to get detached from this club but i couldn’t make this even when i tried for several times, probably it’s coded in my mind more deeply than i thought
i trained good and if i keep doing like this I will see a good result i can see. i did first time bench press like 7-8 sets first ones was just bar no weights but i increased the weight more than i expected like zero to 20kg (without bar )(in total 10*2) but i hurt my lower back probably because of bench press.
And I have some issues with shoulder press machine ( incline one) i like machine but i might have change this to seated db. idk we will see but I hope my pain goes as soon as possible. i began this program at this week but gym duration near to 2 hours and it’s too much, i will count the time and adjust that
“Everything ugly weakens and afflicts man. It recalls decay, danger, impotence; he actually suffers a loss of energy in its presence. The effect of the ugly can be measured with a dynamometer. Whenever man feels in any way depressed, he senses the proximity of something ‘ugly’. His feeling of power, his will to power, his courage, his pride - they decline with the ugly, they increase with the beautiful.” — Friedrich Nietzsche.
the society is so weird i understand a little bit more now, people are weak and it becomes normal.
i alwasy thinking is it anormal because im thinking like that or is it wrong or is it weak becaus i want this for myself and i have this standart for me. and i realized that answer is no. man if you think deeply its so fucked up and not normal. so fucked up that you really should be strong and strive to perfection and power. fuck all of this, i should change this
i began to more conscious about that I’m dependent my family financially etc, I will be 21 soon but I’m still financially dependent to my family and i don’t know yet how to cook properly just i can make eggs lol.
How can I be a man while dependent to my family, and maybe biggest reason to this that i still haven’t gone the university, maybe then i can learn to cook and pay attention to my finance because then i am alone i have to do things by myself, example why should I learn cook while my doing it.
But this is makes me weak i don’t wanna be dependent to society, actually I’m like the most of the society, i don’t know how to defend myself physically and i don’t know my legal rights properly. And to be strong actually i should move here by going university. But i didn’t study properly this year too.
Most of the time when i go out, i feel bad slightly, i feel not good when I see people im not happy in society, I need detachment. i don’t know exact cause that preventing me going university i have some theories, but i don’t have just one answer, from end of the elementary school to pandemi i have always wanted to be computer engineer or software it was something like that, but during pandemic things she changed. Maybe i don’t want because i don’t wanna be in corporate life, I’m pretty sure there are problems abouty sexuality, there are some blockages, limitations maybe this is hugely blocking me to get in life
I’m not normal not I’m in normal situation or atleast situation that I’d wanted to be in, but all of this comes to me normal maybe i even don’t realize but I’m depression for a long time, i feel like shackled, chained actually from the beginning. instead of having medicore life medicore job i would prefer not living at all. But what Im doing I’m not living at all, I’m not in the way I’m just going gym then return home
i began to more see this most of the people don’t has any moral sense, they don’t know ant it’s so normalised
Okay let’s say i failed this year too but what will happen in the next year, same things no? First now i should stop it something like porn i don’t even like it but there are some reasons why I’m doing bad thing like this, first I should find a solution for that but I’m delayin this with p*rn i can’t not be successful, because basically I’m deceving my self with this if i look to this with that perspective, masturbation is a low thing too, you’re mimicking sex but there’s no sex.
I’m losing my drive with this and losing my right to complaining lol
time 8:09
in the bed close to waking up i saw something, it remendid something and i felt bad, maybe ill explain this later maybe not but after i wake up, i sat and did prayer. actually is it prayer i dont know(i dont wanna get in detail because if i do then i feel like it loses power), i did like 15-20 min and after that im feeling better. i should do this more like every morning evening and night.
there are somthings to that id like to write they are litte negative actually i dont wanna write also but ill write later
in the morning i felt like stupid, yesterday was my birthday, i’ve turned 21 (nobody celebrated lol) anyway and man fuck ihavent gone to university its like fcuking joke nearly all my friend classmates went to the university, and im still at home and the bard part im not gonna make it this year too fuck it i already started to school 1year later and i failed to go uni, this will be third if i manage to go next year when i finished the school i will be 27 years old. when will i gain money when will i build the life i want. and this is the best scenerio. im trying to be patient. im sure people will say you’re young there are lots of people worse thsn you etc. i dont care. i dont know i dont know sometimes i just wanna disappear.
lol i need miracles. i dont even want to cry. i dont want too much thing, i just want to be wealth, a good girl and health thats it lol.
yeah i learned something this year but academically i failed this year too. its not about my intelligence level, i stuied at a good high school and worked hard until the pandemic. but i changed and lost my motivation because i wasnt same like the before, it wasnt bad change bad affected my school badly.
yeah i failed this year too but next year?? will it be same like this? what i noticed that time passing quickly. if i want to do something i should start now. but there are things holding most of them imaginary probably i should slove them. last summer i worked a job for 60 days and when it finished it was september yeah i earned some money it was good but i couldnt study properly and it was a mistake. i fear that this year could be like that too i dont know what to do. first the job was easy but it was in another city. in this summer prorbably i will work at my uncle mechanics but probably working time will be long like 10-12 hours ( i worked there once) and it got me thinking if it would be like this id rather not to work because there will be no time for me especially for the gym, again there will be not much time for studying this is problem because if its thr case it means that next year will be like last year too. but also i want to work because i cant sit at home like as if nothing happened, i cant sit i already failed at exam. my father told me to go there but he didnt pressure me, and when i talked this with him he said talke with him take permission and finish job like 4pm maybe this could be, maybe but its low chance and also at that time gym is busy this is problem. dont know im sickinig of where i at life but also it is comfortable and kills me. im not talkin even about vocation. best sceneiro for the summer be would be like both im working, studying and trainig but i know from last year it is hard.
and also i cant earn money like last yeaar beacuse i know my uncle wouldnt give money much that. but we will look, early to speak.
iwllreadsomebook
do i really want, maybe I’m afraid of that, how badly i want? consciously i say i want it but subconsicously? mayeb im holding my self even without realizng it? maybe im blocking my result and i dont notice it? there was a story about socrate and a guy who wants wisdom. how much really i want.
i hate it, i hate everything people are just stupid and this is so fucking normal, fuck everything fcukmyself.
why i cant change my life?: i think its first about what i talked above, how much do you want, do you really want to cahnge your life yourself or do you afraid of your own power, are you holding yourself, blocking your results? second lack of energhy to change your life or doing what you want. and this is about wasting sexual energy.
in this both case change can not come suddenly, like you are obese, fat your eating junk shit and then decided to lose fat and eating healthy, but you cannot be healthy all of sudden even you will see side effects from it yes you will see bad side-effects from eating healty.(it’s like listening positive sub program and feeling bad) so it takes a long process, but i cannot waste my one year too.
do you want change as you wanted air when you were immersed in the water, do you really want it?
or are you fooling yourself like fucking clown. lol even if im clown i want to be like joker he is not a good guy but okay atleas he had margot robbie
i cannot fail i shouldnt fail how can i be my own hero then? how can i accept myself then. no!
All the time it’s same cycle, i stucked where i at my life, i must change this
Lottery would be good lol. but it’s a weak thing, expecting money from lottery i don’t know but if i earned it would be good
Lol at the same time i said i want it and then I’m judging it, actually last week i play lottery and atleast i took back money that i gave