I should upgrade my mind and get results from subliminal should integrate my self more easily smoothly quickly, i think prayers(aka sensations (i will write about this later) ) good for this, but for this i should quit porn asap and never go back to this, because it’s simply incongruent i can feel it.
it’s time to get serious academically i failed this year too. There is like 20 days for exam but i failed, this is the part I should focus. I have to find what is exact problem and why i failed. And this is not easy. Should make plan and execute it for glory.
i don’t want to live same things again but in different shape(way, context) i don’t like my this self, i don’t accept my this self, i can’t accept because i don’t see this person as a real Furkan, my real self, i get used to this losing state, i don’t know the other state i don’t remember.
i should really re-consider my goals about subliminals what do I want from that and shoul make a subliminal program plan for a year, I should think ever possible issues or just big ones
You can’t escape don’t fool yourself.
Man I’m out of home I have some things get done so I’m outside i see women and for me the way most of ones dressing is off sometiems too much and distracting but in this times this is so normal i see very rarely that i beautiful and she dresses modesty, for me this is more attractive. things like p*rn bad for men beacuse it causes neb to see woman ass sexual object but also at the same time woman objectify themselves and it’s disturbing and unattractive for me actually i don’t want a gf, partner like this. But I see in especially twitter when you say something like this or similar, people start to attack to you and i can’t make sense i feel myself as if I’m in matrix. And they use shame tactics, beacuse in twitter i don’t look this type of conservations for a long time and I’m foreign this when i see something like this I feel bad slightly.
When i look this or trying to understand this topic bacially women want to be seen and most of them either or consciously on unconsciously doing this as a way to get most male attention (or attention generally) and this makes it unattractive for me, and then they start to objectify themselves, most of time they we are not dressing for men but it’s half true.
i don’t want to a girl like this.
This is why hierarchy among the women is silly, because even if their opponents are women(secretly) it’s based on male attention. This could bd part of traumatized society. But again it’s all about me(mostly,lol), be detached from this and get what you want
I really like this post rock songs
Do not fall into the old mistakes, you can’t see but you deserve, you are making this more hard than how it is supposed to be
Lol man when i was teenager, i was thinking my destiny bound the them which i support(edit:not always I thought like that now i read again it looks like serious statement lol, i was just joking at that time), and this year it was like this too, i started with hope but ended with disappointment same goes for fenerbahec as well, but now presiden candidate(former club president for 20years) says that he negotiated with Jose Mourinho and when he selected he will bring Jose, but he said; “even if i can’t selected I’m wanting Jose to join fener and i told him” (also current president interested with Jose too)
Man it seem illogical lol i know but this year I mean next season could be successful for both fenerbahçe and for me. Actually i want to get detached from this club but i couldn’t make this even when i tried for several times, probably it’s coded in my mind more deeply than i thought
i trained good and if i keep doing like this I will see a good result i can see. i did first time bench press like 7-8 sets first ones was just bar no weights but i increased the weight more than i expected like zero to 20kg (without bar )(in total 10*2) but i hurt my lower back probably because of bench press.
And I have some issues with shoulder press machine ( incline one) i like machine but i might have change this to seated db. idk we will see but I hope my pain goes as soon as possible. i began this program at this week but gym duration near to 2 hours and it’s too much, i will count the time and adjust that
“Everything ugly weakens and afflicts man. It recalls decay, danger, impotence; he actually suffers a loss of energy in its presence. The effect of the ugly can be measured with a dynamometer. Whenever man feels in any way depressed, he senses the proximity of something ‘ugly’. His feeling of power, his will to power, his courage, his pride - they decline with the ugly, they increase with the beautiful.” — Friedrich Nietzsche.
the society is so weird i understand a little bit more now, people are weak and it becomes normal.
i alwasy thinking is it anormal because im thinking like that or is it wrong or is it weak becaus i want this for myself and i have this standart for me. and i realized that answer is no. man if you think deeply its so fucked up and not normal. so fucked up that you really should be strong and strive to perfection and power. fuck all of this, i should change this
i began to more conscious about that I’m dependent my family financially etc, I will be 21 soon but I’m still financially dependent to my family and i don’t know yet how to cook properly just i can make eggs lol.
How can I be a man while dependent to my family, and maybe biggest reason to this that i still haven’t gone the university, maybe then i can learn to cook and pay attention to my finance because then i am alone i have to do things by myself, example why should I learn cook while my doing it.
But this is makes me weak i don’t wanna be dependent to society, actually I’m like the most of the society, i don’t know how to defend myself physically and i don’t know my legal rights properly. And to be strong actually i should move here by going university. But i didn’t study properly this year too.
Most of the time when i go out, i feel bad slightly, i feel not good when I see people im not happy in society, I need detachment. i don’t know exact cause that preventing me going university i have some theories, but i don’t have just one answer, from end of the elementary school to pandemi i have always wanted to be computer engineer or software it was something like that, but during pandemic things she changed. Maybe i don’t want because i don’t wanna be in corporate life, I’m pretty sure there are problems abouty sexuality, there are some blockages, limitations maybe this is hugely blocking me to get in life
I’m not normal not I’m in normal situation or atleast situation that I’d wanted to be in, but all of this comes to me normal maybe i even don’t realize but I’m depression for a long time, i feel like shackled, chained actually from the beginning. instead of having medicore life medicore job i would prefer not living at all. But what Im doing I’m not living at all, I’m not in the way I’m just going gym then return home
i began to more see this most of the people don’t has any moral sense, they don’t know ant it’s so normalised
Okay let’s say i failed this year too but what will happen in the next year, same things no? First now i should stop it something like porn i don’t even like it but there are some reasons why I’m doing bad thing like this, first I should find a solution for that but I’m delayin this with p*rn i can’t not be successful, because basically I’m deceving my self with this if i look to this with that perspective, masturbation is a low thing too, you’re mimicking sex but there’s no sex.
I’m losing my drive with this and losing my right to complaining lol
time 8:09
in the bed close to waking up i saw something, it remendid something and i felt bad, maybe ill explain this later maybe not but after i wake up, i sat and did prayer. actually is it prayer i dont know(i dont wanna get in detail because if i do then i feel like it loses power), i did like 15-20 min and after that im feeling better. i should do this more like every morning evening and night.
there are somthings to that id like to write they are litte negative actually i dont wanna write also but ill write later
in the morning i felt like stupid, yesterday was my birthday, i’ve turned 21 (nobody celebrated lol) anyway and man fuck ihavent gone to university its like fcuking joke nearly all my friend classmates went to the university, and im still at home and the bard part im not gonna make it this year too fuck it i already started to school 1year later and i failed to go uni, this will be third if i manage to go next year when i finished the school i will be 27 years old. when will i gain money when will i build the life i want. and this is the best scenerio. im trying to be patient. im sure people will say you’re young there are lots of people worse thsn you etc. i dont care. i dont know i dont know sometimes i just wanna disappear.
lol i need miracles. i dont even want to cry. i dont want too much thing, i just want to be wealth, a good girl and health thats it lol.
yeah i learned something this year but academically i failed this year too. its not about my intelligence level, i stuied at a good high school and worked hard until the pandemic. but i changed and lost my motivation because i wasnt same like the before, it wasnt bad change bad affected my school badly.
yeah i failed this year too but next year?? will it be same like this? what i noticed that time passing quickly. if i want to do something i should start now. but there are things holding most of them imaginary probably i should slove them. last summer i worked a job for 60 days and when it finished it was september yeah i earned some money it was good but i couldnt study properly and it was a mistake. i fear that this year could be like that too i dont know what to do. first the job was easy but it was in another city. in this summer prorbably i will work at my uncle mechanics but probably working time will be long like 10-12 hours ( i worked there once) and it got me thinking if it would be like this id rather not to work because there will be no time for me especially for the gym, again there will be not much time for studying this is problem because if its thr case it means that next year will be like last year too. but also i want to work because i cant sit at home like as if nothing happened, i cant sit i already failed at exam. my father told me to go there but he didnt pressure me, and when i talked this with him he said talke with him take permission and finish job like 4pm maybe this could be, maybe but its low chance and also at that time gym is busy this is problem. dont know im sickinig of where i at life but also it is comfortable and kills me. im not talkin even about vocation. best sceneiro for the summer be would be like both im working, studying and trainig but i know from last year it is hard.
and also i cant earn money like last yeaar beacuse i know my uncle wouldnt give money much that. but we will look, early to speak.
iwllreadsomebook