I planned on using LB with my custom Emperor, but yesterday’s interrupted listening of AOH, a fill-in, really surprised me.
My main focus has been getting my life right, financially and goal-wise, so I’m using a custom Emperor with Essence: Love of Gold, Synergy: Machine Totality, and lot of newer modules. It’s been digging deep. Love of Gold has been making new thought patterns, and the new anti-recon module is making the experience much easier than expected. I’m finding a focus each day, even while working with old emotional norms being challenged.
But honestly, I’ve been missing something. Like in my gut, that inner me has needed some attending to. So based on memories of using LB with Emperor 2 years back, I decided to pair it with LB. I was going to mix it with Inner Spa in a name embed. That was my plan. Right? Ummm…maybe. I was on lunch break yesterday, sitting alone in our truck. I didn’t have LB on my phone and I had really poor cell service. I attempted downloading it, but it didn’t go through. But I had AOH on my phone. I remembered my one listen over a year back and how it showed up so vividly. So I went with it. I put on a 5 minute timer (my normal loop time), and used ultrasonic.
But…I gambled. I knew it was the end of lunch, but often times someone dawdles a few minutes. I thought even 3 minutes would be “enough” if he came back sooner. My coworker came back into the truck a minute later, and I turned it off, instantly being hard on myself for …even wanting to feel good. Old tapes. I thought I’d failed.
But…just a minute later, I felt it. It was changing my mood, like twinkles of joy began slowly, then more, then “oh yeah!” It wasn’t hard, it wasn’t strong, it was…easy and refreshing. But I thought I’d not feel much, and I’d return…to my “mood”. My semi-angry, wordless grunt. Cuz shit’s gotta get done.
I wrote that, even shedding a tear, since life’s always just been black or white, right or wrong, succeed or fail. Pushing myself. Fearing failure. Avoiding risks repeatedly. I’ve even been moving forward with business ideas since starting my Emp custom (a first in years), and I’m still battling thoughts or choices of failing. So this joy was unexpected. I’m not even sure I know what joy is. What I do know is that I felt good. I felt even peaceful about succeeding. Life was okay, and I enjoyed it.
I’m considering making a AOH name embed with Inner Spa. And doing less, maybe with my Emp custom too. Saint said he used only 30 second loops on newer titles. I believe it was on this thread that I read it yesterday. Because it hits sooner. And to my surprise, it’s almost 24 hours later, and I still feel that sense of hope, that sense of joy, like it’s holding on to me while I face “succeed…or fail?” again and again.
Thank you @Fire and @SaintSovereign for creating this.
Edit: When I think of what motivated me to share this, it is a slow realization that I’ve not believed I am worthy of joy and happiness. I do have Essence: Love of Gold in my custom, it has the Worthiness Calibration from EOG in it, and that is likely linking giving teeth to AOH’s scripting.
But even deeper than that, the identity shifting from Love of Gold is activating. I’ve believed I wasn’t happy. Wasn’t joyful. I was dark, deep, and often sad when seeing that. I identified with that.
AOH may be a way out of that gloomy identity. 
