Read this entire journal from beginning to end yesterday to get myself motivated. Very inspirational and insightful, @Michel!
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Today I had a breakthrough:
you mean to say, I’m NOT a monster?
ST1 is acting more like a kind counsellor who’s gently questioning my bullshit:
How dare you suggest that I’m NOT a dirty, evil piece of shit.
The mind’s too stubborn to let it go yet… 
Why did I accept such crappy treatment in the past?
I deserved it. On some level, I said yes. Now I’m saying no.
Did the one positive thing this week: sign up for a new agency. This means yet more earning opportunities with flexible hours. This was prompted by an encounter with my current work reps, who stopped being friendly and flexible. I like to banter and joke with people, but the mood changed recently. So a new start!
No more loyalty to people who are:
- Difficult
- Unfriendly
- Do not value me the same
- Aggressive asshole jerkoffs
- Inflexible
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What’s your plan for how long you’ll listen to ST1 this time? Did you read the book 48 Laws of Power?
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Only briefly of the book and reviews that critique the Laws, to get a rounded perspective. I’m more of a visual learner so YouTube videos work better for learning.
ST1 for as long as it’s working, and I don’t know long for.
@friday mentioned long term cleansing in waves of 2 months, then a plateau, then brand new stuff to cleanse.
ST1 is just as effective as a counsellor.
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I’d say more than effective. Subs work on our undisclosed thoughts, the very ones we hide from. And those thoughts direct our day-to-day life.
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Yes, ST1 has been incredible for me. I’ve been making progress at a rate I could’ve only dreamed of prior to discovering it. I was not as optimistic about being able to change before.
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Khan Academy
Total Breakdown/Komplete
Day 29
ST1 - absolutely necessary and needed. Yes it sucks ass and it weakens you. But once cleared, it gets better.
Nostalgia revisited
Remembering all the things I did in my youth by myself and how it really reflected my freedom. Taking trips to European cities solo, trying out stuff like acting and swimming, even very negative situations like school had certificates of merit. I had dismissed all of those mini successes because I believed the absolute worst about myself.
Aims:
Going to do things that I enjoyed as a child more.
Random stuff
A few looks from a few women on the train. Also went for a workplace assessment in a group, kept dropping stuff on the floor and not giving a fuck.
A few male haters (especially when surrounded by women) but since ST1 has removed most triggers, I give less of a fuck.
Dreams:
Entering a hall which contains several rooms, like a hotel. Two are empty, one is occupied with a couple having sex…
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It’s good to hear this feedback on ST1. I’m on EOG ST1, but I’m having successes myself in the midst of it. I’ll go share it; you motivated me. Thanks.
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Khan Kan Korrupt Komplete
Total Breakdown/Komplete
Day 30
The rebirth
Feeling of returning back to my original, unsullied self before the abuse and neglect got to me at age 7. That’s a long time to take to finally wake up. I’ll never be free of my past, but the present can still be written.
Now that the way is clear, what am I going to do with it?
Physical evidence
My life long big waist is finally going down. Losing weight gradually from 42" max to 36" > 34". Tallies well with the increase in self confidence.
ST1 smash
Getting horny now on ST1 which doesn’t make sense… How can it go from feeling like shit to wanting to bang?
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I so get that. Being on EOG points me toward successes, past and present, but the self-beliefs are what keep revealing themselves, and many are not desirable. And to be honest, I’m realizing that part of me is holding on to them–like it’s my (sick) comfort zone and identity.
For example, I’m continuing a step today to withdraw some of my earnings. Today I felt inadequate, unsteady, fearful of self-sabotage thinking, and fearful I am not holding on to relationships at work which I’ve relied on for the last 4 years. In short, I’m not sure how to do this separation thing.
I know it began when working with a new employee who does not care about what he produces. I saw a man (and I saw myself in him) who just started, but is too damn proud and stubborn to…care about himself or his customers. I know I identified with his actions and self-beliefs, and I internally rejected him, and thus, myself too. So, during the one hour I worked with him, I slowly began getting disgusted with him. And also myself since I’d identified with his attitude.
I think (or know) I tried to be in someone else’s reality instead of my own. I felt scared and looked for old strategies today which I used regularly in the past, and being in someone else’s world today didn’t pay off.
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This is a very deep and important realization. It’s KEY for your future change.
I believe, when you dig deep down, you’ll find this may be related to a deep trauma that paradoxically comes from the fight of a Need for Love with the Fear of Being Loved.
You’re not alone in this. 2020 is your year of true transformation.
Too many years were spent with unhelpful patterns running our lives. It’s time to free ourselves from them all, so that we’re light and open and can live a life of our own, a life we can be proud of and be the person we want to be living it.
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Wow @Michel, just need to recognize and acknowledge you for a moment here.
Those are some incredible change-processes!
Did you say this is your second run-through with Khan? Could you briefly recap your listening history?
(Month 1 ??, Month 5 ??, and so on). haha or don’t if you don’t feel like it right now. Not trying to punish you for making progress. 
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Could you briefly recap your listening history?
Rebirth + Ascension September
Khan ST1 ST2 ST3 until December
Started Regeneration December
Ascension + Regeneration January
Back on Khan ST1 + ST4 since February
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Khan Kan Korrupt Komplete
Total Breakdown
Day 32
There was a time where I thought I would never ever get over the past, be stuck forever in primal anxiety and terror, my real self forever lost in codependency.
That time is over.
The past is done. It happened. It sucked ass. I’ve lost money, people, opportunities.
But I would sacrifice all that for the strength, power, sexuality and real self purpose that Khan gives me.
That which is true, stays. That which is horseshit, falls away.
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It’s good to hear you @Michel. I remember when you when you were still grinding against the same 'ol, same 'ol patterns and beliefs about yourself and people around you. You’ve definitely changed.
You rewriting yourself encourages me greatly. I love reading your posts since you share your thoughts and feelings freely, without accepting the same 'ol shit treatment–from yourself, or from others. You’ve made great progress mentally and emotionally, and the fruit is seen in your writings.
Keep kicking ass. It’s a selfish like of mine, but I value your posts. Not everyone grabs onto this change so intensely. I read here and say “it is possible to change!” I’m still slugging through some mental bullshit today, but thought I’d let you know I’m encouraged to see you still moving forward.
Thank you 
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I love this entire post. Like @subliminalguy, I’m also going through some internal BS, some of which are the result of long-standing patterns. That you have you been able to overcome exactly that with the help of Total Breakdown is inspiring and helps me continue to push forward on my own journey.
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