Khan Kan Korrupt
Day 4
Head in the clouds
So much for being a responsible adult, almost got run over by a big bus…
That’s the effect of Regeneration - comfortable with myself, calm emotions and thoughts. All that’s needed is a functioning brain…
Still a mark
Confronted a young subway gate jumper late at night, demanded he pay my fare. When he refused I told him to get lost. Nothing came of it, but I’m noticing the subterfuge thanks to PCC and now acting on it.
Brother, regeneration seems to be working more like a drug. I am talking in the sense of giving u a wonderland feeling. even though amazing, I am feeling slightly worried for your safety.
Unless, the big bus is a metaphor.
@mecharc digital heroin. Could save a lot of lives…
Inner child showing himself and wanting to play, but must realise that he can’t sit in the driver’s seat! Major breakthrough.
Michel,
I added Regeneration to my Kann ST1 loops yesterday upon reading your journal. This is my second time running TB, so I absolutely agree it focuses on one’s understanding’s and adaptations to said beliefs. I was unsure where I was emotionally today…since my foundation is once again being shaken. It’s not violent, but it’s definitely apparent. Thanks for sharing so regularly here! I find it truly inspiring 
@subliminalguy you’re welcome! I wish I’d have started ST1 with Regeneration all the way back, had I known it was what I actually needed, but what’s meant to be…
ST1 is miserable, so I don’t blame you for adding Regeneration.
On breaking away:
This is probably why I no longer fear the future like I did before these subs.
Painful to admit that I’ve been wholly consumed by the fear of independence for ever, because it meant death on the streets. Being threatened with expulsion as a child for not doing what my narcissistic mother demanded is now my deepest fear to overcome and conquer. Glad to say it’s now an increasing possibility.
Regeneration is a Godsend.
Khan
ST4 w/ PCC + Regeneration
Day 5
Moving on:
ST1 revealed to me (through tough reconciliation) what and who needed to go, in order to move forward. Now three months later, it’s time to act. Time to move on.
Emotionally moving on from the past, from feeling stuck in a spider’s web of attachment trauma, parental abuse, primal terror fears, flashbacks, insults, school embarrassments, backstabbing at work, betrayal and dismissal by those who I was peers with, had a thing for and even the university I studied with.
Thanks to Regeneration, it’s time to finally bury them all, cut them out and stop giving all of them my energy.
Forgiving is what they call it, apparently… I prefer “cremating the past”.
It’s all about me:
Enjoying the increased focus on my self. It’s been hard but reserving my energy for me, stopping the ingrained cycle of giving so much and getting taken advantage of and being emotionally abused. Whilst in the other city, I felt such a strong inner solidity that nobody with their prejudices could touch me, nor those who don’t care can’t get in because I give these people nothing. None of my energy going to them to extract love and acceptance from others.
Leveling up:
Got that new career! Negotiations with my current employer have finished and I’m now going to work with a new employer.
And, get this… An art commission! A small one of course, but it felt good to up the paint brush in almost four months. All this came to me. Letting people come to me, instead of chasing others.
I’m using Elixir thanks to your recommendation.
Khan Komplete
Day 6
Regeneration flashback:
Working out the gym and was surrounded by a bunch of teens joshing each other hard.
Then I had an upsetting flashback to my own school days and the time I was called a monkey by someone I considered a “friend”, that person was beaten up when I told a group of thugs.
I had no physical or mental toughness and let people who I considered friends repeatedly insult me without fighting back. Why didn’t my dad teach me about getting fit and working out in a gym?
It’s true what my father said at the time - I was too soft.
Khan Khan’t Korrupt Me:
Without the constant fear of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment others, Khan can fully establish itself. Feeling that real solid internal frame more and more. Also learning to give very little away to people who don’t deserve it. I’m perfectly capable of existing by myself, finding things to do and having a packed schedule without feeling lonely or desperate for someone to fill in my gaps. Hurrah!
PCC shining a light on how the real world works also lights a path to follow. I’m following the wisdom of never committing to one person or thing as that “thing” can disappear at any time. Being aware of power games and skillfully avoiding them is becoming enjoyable because it’s advanced knowledge, most people aren’t aware of it and aren’t prepared. I am. It’s there in case someone wants to mark me out as a sucker.
Planning for the future, releasing the past, learning to enjoy the now.
Khan
ST4
Day 7
A short realisation: I’ve still got major healing to do. Feelings of disapproval, alienation, being accused of being wrong (shamed for being me) still bubble up, however they’re about 2/3rds less intense and crippling than before. I doubled up on Elixir and Regeneration to get that thorough healing.
I also realise that despite everything that’s happened, I’m appreciative of what I have - my health, living quarters, a passion in art and a steady living. Trying to look for better is kinda futile - the live I have is the one I was given. No point in wishing otherwise.
Regressing a little regarding assertiveness - couldn’t stand up to certain people (especially in the other city) but I am learning where not to invest in people, to quickly to cut it off and keep it moving. I deserve the best, if you’re not going to give it to me, they’ve got to go…
2020 is the year of the Khan.
Khan ST4
w/ PCC, Regeneration, Elixir
Day 9
Added Elixir to the regular playlist overnight, it is helping a tremendous amount with the gradual clearing out of trauma. I’ve got a ton of healing to do, it’s daunting how large the accumulated shit heap is to tackle. Khan will have to take a back seat for the time being, maybe even replace it with Ascension, as I don’t feel like I yet have the foundation to operate from.
With the success of Regeneration and Elixir, I now feel like I need a purge in a lot of things: emotions, thoughts, even friends, associates and exes. They all need to go. If they’re not for me, they need to go. Even family. I’m not strong enough to just up and leave just yet, but they definitely cannot be in my sphere any longer. They’ve stolen my life, now I have to get it back.
Do you mean to take it off your stack for some time?
@mecharc I’ll possibly run one loop only, then have a Regeneration heavy stack. Healing is the main priority, seeing the great results just wants me to carry on the snowball effect (Xmas pun intended)
Khan Komplete
w/ PCC, Regen, Elixir
Day 8
Elixir overnight is working miracles, removing bits of past trauma one by one, little by little I feel myself recovering. Together with Regeneration my emotional healing is progressing well. Every time I listen is an ethereal release - no more sudden pangs of solar plexus fear - instead there’s a strength and feeling of power and will.
As it’s Christmas, I’m minded that the family will want to hype up the day in an effort to cover up how dysfunctional it is. PCC and Regeneration lets me see the incoming power plays and manipulations and not respond out of anger and fear. I just know there’ll be shaming and guilt tripping coming over how “I’m ruining Christmas” by being selfish and not acting happy and united. Sorry, that ain’t happening. Boundaries are still in place, if I don’t feel it, I’m won’t be lying to preserve a Hallmark Card image for outside consumption. My self-esteem, emotional health and developing independence is much more important than lies.
Returning to painting and I’m extremely pleased with a study piece - using just three colours and white I have a more realistic portrait with harmonious hues and good colour balance. Dare I bring back Ultimate Artist?
Dropping Khan
I have decided to bring back Ascension. I feel Khan ST4 is way too much programming at this moment. I feel it’s unfair to judge ST4 without having a decent foundation first.
Healing and releasing all of my PTSD symptoms from horrific parental and family abuse is now my priority, of which Regeneration and Elixir are doing a brilliant job. Possibly one of the cheapest, most effective abuse recovery subs available.
Subliminal Club products have a way of getting to the core of your being without forcing it and revealing what you really want in life. Not the surface bullshit.
I’m sorry for disappointing those who were following me hoping for a feel good story of unlimited sex, money and power. I wanted those too, truly. I’ve decided recovering and strengthening my real self is much more important.
It’s better to be decisive and just do it!(you) rather than asking for other people’s approval (me).
Keep it going! Don’t stop the journals though!
Ascending for real:
First day at my new workplace, and I’m a little nervous as I’m performing under the spotlight of several managers. However they welcomed me with open arms and were patient with me (which I totally wasn’t used to - people wanting the best for me). I’ve been promoted from another place and seeing my former work colleagues got me a little bit nostalgic and realised that this step up was for real.
I’m finding that I’m still letting little things slide with people. There is this big bully colleague who pushed his way through colleagues to get stock - the same one who a few months ago physically imposed himself over my counter to steal away my customers. I’ll have to watch how Ascension works on me regarding this.
Either way, I celebrated my first day with a foot long Subway sandwich 
Key realisations:
I had thought of quitting too, when everyone started hating on me! But like saint sovereign said " running away defeats the purpose of the subs we are using"… On other news, I have cut down on obsessing over opening new threads!
@Michel I read your whole journal and still reading every new entry. It was and is very very helpful for me to follow your progress. It helps me to sort and compare my expierences.
I dropped KHAN. I dropped Alchemist and now iam running Empv4&QL. I also didnt found the right sub for me but we all reaped benefits from the subs we used. Keep on! No need to feel embarrassed.
