Finding My Foundation

Journals - Major Programs
#21

The boring Stabilizer stuff:

  • Weeding the garden for 5 minutes
  • Recycling and putting out the rubbish
  • Looking for and finding my needed passport for voting.
  • Booking a train trip to sort out an overdue contract issue
  • Showering myself in under 5 minutes.
  • Walked 10 miles around a massive park and took in the scenes and people
  • Wondering why I spend so much time on social media
  • Pervasive calm with the odd triggering alarm at something I should actually sort out
  • Was owed extra takeaway meal after mentioning it to the vendor. I almost didn’t say anything because I felt like I didn’t deserve something for free.
  • Then chilling in the park with my meal and treating myself as if I was on a solo date

All these tasks are thinking I need to expend a massive loss of energy and I don’t and somehow time slows down because of this.
Still a nervous feeling of the shoe about to drop leaking out, concerning things I still worry about, like money.

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#22

Slipping a little, I’ve just wasted money on missing a train, then I couldn’t pay a bill because of some technical issue. Normally that would piss me off but 5 minutes of feeling like an idiot, I accepted it.
I’m also running out of cash, so planning extra work.

But Ascension is stopping me completely ditching life in general. Things don’t go to plan and I reflexively abandon it and leave. But the courage is to come back later, determined to solve the issue.

The best advice from a great fellow artist is essentially fuck the haters. Keep focused on tackling truths in your practice and ignore the noise.

Also keep your head up and value yourself, even if no one else does. You have genuinely built self-worth, it’ll only get stronger from now on.

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#23

Amen :pray:

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#24

ST1 is even more foundational than I thought…

Back to the childhood upbringing and not being allowed to be an I, but a mirror for others to dump their shit on me.

Having an opinion and standing by it feels so dangerous, it is an end of the world feeling. Leaving home permanently feels like this too.

Growing up and feeling capable is a emotional death sentence but the essence of this stage is to stand on my own two feet without shrinking, hiding or apologising. How am I doing? Better than I thought…

ST1 goes a lot deeper and I’m hoping it solves this conundrum of wanting to become a “self” as calmly and structurally as possible.

Even though it is the Stabiliser, I still seem to be attractive to women without doing anything. I’m imperfect, a work in progress yet enough to trust something… :thinking:

I am also losing a lot of this weight round the middle - again a self protection from the world’s judgment and a shield from expressing myself.

Promising signs, nowhere near the finished product but it is building upwards, not sideways.

Gemini summary of ST1

recalibrating the nervous system to accept calm, establishing boundaries, and breaking self-sabotage patterns to support individual sovereignty. These tools, which focus on overcoming “soul death” and managing the fear of consequences for standing one’s ground, are designed to build a durable sense of self.

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#25

Ascension Stabilizer pushed me to end this contract, unprompted within a few weeks, something I put off for a year. It doesn’t feel like a leak but right now the aftermath of what could technically be a “divorce” feels like a great soul loss.

On the other hand, I realised how much I’ve grown into myself, from deep childhood trauma coping, shit work life balance to calm, clear and free. I felt like a brand new person - alone, without a partner but with normal self love within.

Truly proud of sorting out this issue, but I’ll need time to grieve.

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#26

LBFH
ST1
6m

On family:
Relations with my mother are better, I kept speaking harshly towards her for a long time, that was due to resentment towards being treated like a childhood scapegoat. But I’ve decided to stop the nastiness and draw a line. Not quite forgiveness, but close.

On self esteem:
Feeling that ST1 stability more and more like something I can reliably hang my hat on. I can trust it now rather than expecting the platform to crack. Also feeling full within, no need to be chasing females for what I have now (and now I end up being chased… unironically).

On success:
Can I trust success? Will I sabotage it? Will my ego collapse in a heap?

I’m also micro looping DreamBoi, however I can tell the foundation isn’t strong enough to build from it. Attraction and longing is there but feels like a sand castle. Need more time to build and strengthen from within, then the sky is the limit.

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#27

Case in point, dizzy recon concerning being seen, desired and visible resolving itself rapidly. I’m certain it’s to do with closing the door of a previous relationship and awaiting the brand new possibilities.

#28

Adulting
Washing the pots and pans is immediately done without loss of energy, tidying the room is done without thought. Washing my body is done without panic. Sweeping the floor is fine without whinging, whining and moaning. Downloading the documents is done without complaining.

Calm as a motherfucker.
Keep expecting the nervous system to fire off due to admin work tasks and going to my studio. They don’t.

I keep expecting the confidence gains to collapse, is doesn’t.

I keep expecting the floor to break, it doesn’t.

Do I trust my nervous system now? More today than ever.

The panic at looking at the admin task to come didn’t fire off.

The lack of money is accepted without large loss of energy.

It is what it is, right now.

Saint is right again, time spent with ST1 sealing up the cracks in the wall ensures a much better build upwards. Whilst things are what they are, accepting them now and doing the basics will pay off later.

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#29

The amount of years trying to build up with Khan, Emperor and lately Wanted slipping through my fingers like sand. The constant challenges from other men came because anyone could see I was a fake alpha pretending to be somebody. It wasn’t coherent.

Now because of the Stabilizer, I’m not starting from -10 any time I want to get somewhere, then resenting other people that had a -3 or even a 0 head start. Right now I’m at +3 just through the Stabilizer without any major programs.

I’ve done all the endings that needed to happen in life, the personal loops that leaked open attracting all users, needed to close. That’s the solid feeling I’m starting to love - it doesn’t move, no matter how much I test it out on the street.

Now the unfamiliar/scary bit is to go up. Can my nervous system trained to accept failure and poverty cope?

#30

On dealing with hot and cold people (pre and current Stabilizer path)

Sometimes you have to leave off others’ projections and assumptions about you. You see their fakeness, but you give them a chance. Now you’ve decided to drop off their luggage at their door, and not absorb it.
You didn’t put it in their heads to be weary or scared of you, so give the baggage back to them.
Then carry on with your life.

You didn’t do shit to them, except keep to yourself. If they wanted to know you, they would have done so. But they didn’t, so drop them.

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#31

Stabiliser woes

I seem to be actively fighting against the Stabiliser by scrolling, not following through on what needs to be done and sleeping in. But the dishes, toilet and house gets tidied up regularly. I still feel more solid within, having a mild panic at the contract situation delay and an obsession with being liked still.

DreamBoi sprouting

Had a tanned woman repeatedly flip her hair beside me, which means DreamBoi is working. However I still took the opportunity to address the remaining leaks regarding desperately wanting a relationship to make sure I don’t waste my time wondering “does she like me?”. I’m continuing to do me.

The result is still I get baited hard by couples overtly hugging up as a territorial mark (like a dog marks lamp posts) and twice I decide to ignore them, leaving them feeling stupid. So I ask myself “Why do they need my approval for their relationship? Am I a priest?” Odd.

To run or not ST2

I see the features list for Stage 2 and it solves all the issues listed above, but I do want to make sure shit is sealed up properly before starting it. The worthiness independence is mighty tempting to just start now…

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#32

Or you’re listening to your body and taking a rest day. Rest is okay. We weren’t made to hustle 24/7.

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#33

Hustle brainwashing is so pervasive even a day actively doing nothing feels like a failure as a man. Ridiculous but strong habit to break.

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#34

I know what you mean, even I suffer from this. All of my friends are preparing to watch the Carano vs. Rousey fight, and I’m sitting here working.

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#35

Gonna be real with you, this sounds like a leak. Comsider how much energy and attention you’re giving to people minding their own damn business. No one’s baiting. I can almost guarantee they didn’t notice you.

I’m always in that overly buggy couple. The only time we let intelopers effect us is if we catch homophobic or racist glances. They were being overly huggy (by your standards, not theirs) cause they wanted to. Doesn’t go deeper than that.

I know these things happen irl, but keep seeing baiting couples in random places, it might call for deeper reflection.

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#36

If I may say something, I’d say that it’s not so much hustle brainwashing, but “you must justify your existence and prove your worth” programming that is rampant in humanity as a whole. It goes far beyond the identity of a man. Women also have their version of it. It’s only my opinion, of course.

I’ve also noticed that in more spiritual people, this issue very often takes the guise of this really strong need to be of service. As if the ability to be of service and any results of that mean something about them personally, as a being. This is quite easily recognizable because it comes with neglect and sacrifice of the well-being of one’s body and mind, which are the primary tools to be of service that we have, so it doesn’t make sense to abuse them in the name of service.

So if it happens, it’s a tell-tell sign that there’s some other motivation running someone’s actions other than pure inspiration to be of service. Meaning, they are unconsciously trying to justify their existence and prove their worth through their service. Funnily enough, this is the opposite of being of service because it’s perpetuating this idea that the right to exist is not inherent and worth has to be earned (through being of service in this example). It’s just disguised as something more “noble” than mainstream hustle mentality, but the core lack belief is the same.

Those two last paragraphs I wrote for myself more than anything else, because I have this issue. It’s such a tough nut to crack for me.

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#37

father’s lament

The root of wanting love so bad (and being jealous of couples - let’s be real here) seems to be that I’m still craving for my father’s approval after all these years. He actively disliked my existence but I tried to still get him to like me even a tiny bit without success. My hunger in my chest just too be loved as I am got revealed in record time.

Still some inner work to do - LBFH should cover it.

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#38

Wow. I had to sit down and take a minute after reading this.

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#39

It’s everybody that senses a “higher calling” that feels like this. Me too. I have this reflex to help humanity without any sort of structure nor desire to ever stop. It’s a narcissist’s dream.

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#40

I really don’t understand this game:

  • ST1 and this journal (with gratitude for the feedback) forced me to actually look at the still persistent void that’s still driving my need for merging with another, I’ve mediated on it and traced it back to my father wound. Not being ever accepted by him left me love starved.
    I’m not sure what other hidden gaps are left to find but that release is another game changer. My self confidence now feels different - less brakes on feeling worthy.

  • I knew I was going to have to take responsibility for earning more money and decided to work extra shifts. Now it’s paid off. ST1 said pull up your laces and get on with it.

  • Because of addressing another prominent leak once again passive attraction gets stronger. I’ve stopped trying to make sense of it and just enjoy it.

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