Finding My Foundation

Journals - Major Programs
#21

The boring Stabilizer stuff:

  • Weeding the garden for 5 minutes
  • Recycling and putting out the rubbish
  • Looking for and finding my needed passport for voting.
  • Booking a train trip to sort out an overdue contract issue
  • Showering myself in under 5 minutes.
  • Walked 10 miles around a massive park and took in the scenes and people
  • Wondering why I spend so much time on social media
  • Pervasive calm with the odd triggering alarm at something I should actually sort out
  • Was owed extra takeaway meal after mentioning it to the vendor. I almost didn’t say anything because I felt like I didn’t deserve something for free.
  • Then chilling in the park with my meal and treating myself as if I was on a solo date

All these tasks are thinking I need to expend a massive loss of energy and I don’t and somehow time slows down because of this.
Still a nervous feeling of the shoe about to drop leaking out, concerning things I still worry about, like money.

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#22

Slipping a little, I’ve just wasted money on missing a train, then I couldn’t pay a bill because of some technical issue. Normally that would piss me off but 5 minutes of feeling like an idiot, I accepted it.
I’m also running out of cash, so planning extra work.

But Ascension is stopping me completely ditching life in general. Things don’t go to plan and I reflexively abandon it and leave. But the courage is to come back later, determined to solve the issue.

The best advice from a great fellow artist is essentially fuck the haters. Keep focused on tackling truths in your practice and ignore the noise.

Also keep your head up and value yourself, even if no one else does. You have genuinely built self-worth, it’ll only get stronger from now on.

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#23

Amen :pray:

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#24

ST1 is even more foundational than I thought…

Back to the childhood upbringing and not being allowed to be an I, but a mirror for others to dump their shit on me.

Having an opinion and standing by it feels so dangerous, it is an end of the world feeling. Leaving home permanently feels like this too.

Growing up and feeling capable is a emotional death sentence but the essence of this stage is to stand on my own two feet without shrinking, hiding or apologising. How am I doing? Better than I thought…

ST1 goes a lot deeper and I’m hoping it solves this conundrum of wanting to become a “self” as calmly and structurally as possible.

Even though it is the Stabiliser, I still seem to be attractive to women without doing anything. I’m imperfect, a work in progress yet enough to trust something… :thinking:

I am also losing a lot of this weight round the middle - again a self protection from the world’s judgment and a shield from expressing myself.

Promising signs, nowhere near the finished product but it is building upwards, not sideways.

Gemini summary of ST1

recalibrating the nervous system to accept calm, establishing boundaries, and breaking self-sabotage patterns to support individual sovereignty. These tools, which focus on overcoming “soul death” and managing the fear of consequences for standing one’s ground, are designed to build a durable sense of self.

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#25

Ascension Stabilizer pushed me to end this contract, unprompted within a few weeks, something I put off for a year. It doesn’t feel like a leak but right now the aftermath of what could technically be a “divorce” feels like a great soul loss.

On the other hand, I realised how much I’ve grown into myself, from deep childhood trauma coping, shit work life balance to calm, clear and free. I felt like a brand new person - alone, without a partner but with normal self love within.

Truly proud of sorting out this issue, but I’ll need time to grieve.