Finding My Foundation

[Michel]

CFW
Chosen
4m

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Almost forgot to play any loops since life feels positively chill. Not sure why there’s a little dread before teaching still (stage fright?)

Speaking of which, I helped a student who sadly felt ostracised in their group because they’re quite outspoken and it was a wholesome moment. Because I realised in that moment that my own mammoth journey of overcoming abuse, rejection and self consciousness prepared me for this. I was the right person in the right time and helped someone recognise their own self, which fulfilled my soul.

I just wish there were more hours and better paid…!

[Michel]

Asc Stabiliser 1m

The Stack breaker. And I’m glad I ran 1m because I’m:

• Standing outside, existing, rooted to my spot, not shrinking to avoid others’ more stable selves

• Seeing others flinching, bracing, getting concerned etc and having no desire to flinch myself

• Self worth being present, not placating others fears and prejudices. The right to exist. My own nerves are stabilising too from this kind of social bracing.

I also tidied up my workspace and studio, streamlining the materials I need and storing those I don’t use, finally cleaning the paint water and organising the space. Interesting start…

[Michel]

As a long time user of OG Ascension I’m interested in how the new version will help with the Chosen path and already microlooping this is adding substantial weight to the journey and something reliable in the background without doubting the foundation or fearing its collapse.

Stacking ST1 and ST2.
1m

Feeling inwardly complete. Self definition is appearing finally and I like it a lot, my tendency to cede, move over, give up space is ending and I’m increasingly wanting to protect myself and my inner peace and place boundaries up around everybody, good and bad. No, you can’t walk all over me any more. No do you have premium access to me, you’re downgraded to free with ads.

Speaking of ST1 I’ve cut off an energy drain, a peer woman who ran hot and cold, lately mainly cold, who previously showed some interest but cut me off since. I’m done thinking about her and now on my artistic purpose. This habit of attracting “not serious” women is going to stop now.

There is an inner foundation building, different to CFW and I can feel the Nice Guy™ automatic agreement starting to fade. Standing by my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, giving my own green light to my being etc, the type of thing others take for granted. It’s mine now.

Stack broken for now, but a very interesting detour.

[Michel]

ST1 and ST2
1m

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Broke and stressed but still standing. Don’t know what to do. Love my career but part time swing gigs aren’t enough to survive on. Romance can take a complete hike too.

Surprised and the efficiency of taking care of business, seeing the pots and pans in the kitchen and immediately putting them away, cleaning the front yard, emptying bins - all tidying up with minimum exertion. Then I took a long nap. For some reason I felt shattered. Contemplating many things in life, not being an easy target and building the foundation whilst being in an unstable situation.

I notice early on that the inside is so stable I ignore people who clutch bags and do self protective shit however I also notice other men stepping aside when they don’t need to.

It feels like stepping backwards to return to Ascension but the stabilizer looks like the real wildcard to make everything else work better. Haven’t felt as present and clear like now.

[Michel]

I keep expecting the floor to drop out but it doesn’t. Incredible. Take one step forward, two steps back is usually how it goes. But not this time? I feel solid and the dread rises up then fades. Every cough, every look down, every scrape of the shoe is a blow to my nervous system. Until now.
It’s also upsetting to discover that the women who were interested were actually playing around. Gather my own self respect and plough on. Ground becoming more firm. When I think about asserting myself more, there’s something real and solid behind me I can rely on now. Even now someone sat then moved away from me, that would have triggered unworthy feelings inside but now it’s absolutely nothing. Nothing moved. Rock solid. No feelings of loathing, just nothing.

[Michel]

@Michel

After a 1m listen I feel like collapsing into the ground as if I’ve run a marathon. The hustle is over. The search is done. It’s such an overwhelming feeling to finally have what’s been denied for a lifetime. Oh boy…

This is 1m on the new LBFH. 30+ years of struggling to get this kind of self love - done in 60 seconds. The kind of love everybody else has, all that romantic shit yet is completely absent in me. Such a somatic release, relaxing all the tense body and fascia.

I suspected that this is the core reason I get selected to be used, friendzoned then ignored and discarded. Loving the wrong people then feeling guilty that I got used again. Feeling defective because of early upbringing. Needing to serve more and more, then getting nothing in return. Guilt in withdrawing the good energy from people.

The struggle is over. The foundation is building into something formidable and self serving.

[Lion]

Look out! Here comes the Ascended Michel.

[Michel]

Shit yeah @Lion

Undergoing a bit of a dark night of the soul period.

LBFH turned all of the resentment and hate I had at life and everyone who have done me wrong into a soft fog and I feel just numb.

I’ve lost a long time companion. That of indignation.

Added to some overdue admin and a difficult art crit that I could have called life quits. Many times I could have run away and sit in a corner underneath a blanket trying to process a lifetime of things done to me.

But I’m still here, emotionally bruised and battered but surviving. That foundation is still holding up stronger than ever. Trying to extract that from women and close friends was such a disaster, but I have what I’ve been lacking. But there will be a mourning period while I total up and seal my previous painful life for archiving.

[Michel]

Hadn’t realised how angry I’ve been.

Over life.

Until that initial LBFH mini loop I carried so much resentment at how I was treated and how I transmitted it to people that had nothing to do with it and left me gullible to people who could manipulate and guilt me for their own ends.

Life for me meant being completely available for anyone to use and discard after a while, I had no right to say no, to refuse, to say “I don’t want you/this in my life”. To ask for more, to say “I like this, I don’t like that”. To have the most basic of basic rights that everyone else has.

I had to be empty of preferences and ambitions. To be ashamed and shameful. To have no goal other than to serve other people.

This and the Stabiliser is relaxing the fuck out of me so much I wondered what life could have been without the unnecessary intense trials and tribulations. But I know life doesn’t work that way.

Something in me died this week and it might have been the server “me”. But what’s to come is so full of potential that it’s scary.

It starts with saying no to others, then yes to me.

[Michel]

LBFH and Stabiliser
6m

A few more highlights:

• Foundation floor more stable than a motherfucker.
• Much more protective of my space, those who sit near trying to copy me and suck my soul I just get up from.
• Naturally feeling more confident inside and outside, being more visible to others doesn’t hurt so much now.
• I look and feel more comfortable inside my skin.
• Fundamental shame about my very being is gone for good.
• At the same time I want to be largely left alone because I don’t want another woman taking advantage of me again. Very wary of abuse and toxic relationships.
• Teaching and looking people in the eye:
  That’s new and confident! I’ll still need to look away to think but now I’m capable of talking directly to someone’s eyes, partly because I know what I’m talking about.
• Small things to take care about, I’m resisting but it needs to be done. More plays of ST1 then.

My dilemma now is:
A female work colleague invited me to do some gallery hopping together…

[Michel]

… Two pigeons deciding to copulate in front of me in the park, rawdogging themselves like it was nothing.

Then a redhead sits next to me on the train back, arm skin contact without flinching for a good 20 minutes, then leaves whilst looking back at me thinking “that. was. great…!”

Why must the universe test me so…

[MAkh]

Maybe that was a sign

[Michel]

The boring Stabilizer stuff:

• Weeding the garden for 5 minutes
• Recycling and putting out the rubbish
• Looking for and finding my needed passport for voting.
• Booking a train trip to sort out an overdue contract issue
• Showering myself in under 5 minutes.
• Walked 10 miles around a massive park and took in the scenes and people
• Wondering why I spend so much time on social media
• Pervasive calm with the odd triggering alarm at something I should actually sort out
• Was owed extra takeaway meal after mentioning it to the vendor. I almost didn’t say anything because I felt like I didn’t deserve something for free.
• Then chilling in the park with my meal and treating myself as if I was on a solo date

All these tasks are thinking I need to expend a massive loss of energy and I don’t and somehow time slows down because of this.
Still a nervous feeling of the shoe about to drop leaking out, concerning things I still worry about, like money.

[Michel]

Slipping a little, I’ve just wasted money on missing a train, then I couldn’t pay a bill because of some technical issue. Normally that would piss me off but 5 minutes of feeling like an idiot, I accepted it.
I’m also running out of cash, so planning extra work.

But Ascension is stopping me completely ditching life in general. Things don’t go to plan and I reflexively abandon it and leave. But the courage is to come back later, determined to solve the issue.

The best advice from a great fellow artist is essentially fuck the haters. Keep focused on tackling truths in your practice and ignore the noise.

Also keep your head up and value yourself, even if no one else does. You have genuinely built self-worth, it’ll only get stronger from now on.

[MAkh]

@Michel

fuck the haters

Amen

[Michel]

ST1 is even more foundational than I thought…

Back to the childhood upbringing and not being allowed to be an I, but a mirror for others to dump their shit on me.

Having an opinion and standing by it feels so dangerous, it is an end of the world feeling. Leaving home permanently feels like this too.

Growing up and feeling capable is a emotional death sentence but the essence of this stage is to stand on my own two feet without shrinking, hiding or apologising. How am I doing? Better than I thought…

ST1 goes a lot deeper and I’m hoping it solves this conundrum of wanting to become a “self” as calmly and structurally as possible.

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Even though it is the Stabiliser, I still seem to be attractive to women without doing anything. I’m imperfect, a work in progress yet enough to trust something…

I am also losing a lot of this weight round the middle - again a self protection from the world’s judgment and a shield from expressing myself.

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Promising signs, nowhere near the finished product but it is building upwards, not sideways.

Gemini summary of ST1

recalibrating the nervous system to accept calm, establishing boundaries, and breaking self-sabotage patterns to support individual sovereignty. These tools, which focus on overcoming “soul death” and managing the fear of consequences for standing one’s ground, are designed to build a durable sense of self.

[Michel]

[FREE UPGRADE] The NEW Genesis: Ascension (Now Available! Custom Cores Available!)

Ended a rental contract thing that I postponed from signing for a very long time. All that fear of tackling this issue for months and months ended within 10 minutes. Thing is I don’t feel any sort of exhilaration or ecstasy, just sadness and regret. All the things I could have done better, how my own anxiety filled state was clouding my judgement… I’ll feel pride in how efficiently this long standing thing got sorted out quickly and permanently, but right now I don’t feel good about it.

Ascension Stabilizer pushed me to end this contract, unprompted within a few weeks, something I put off for a year. It doesn’t feel like a leak but right now the aftermath of what could technically be a “divorce” feels like a great soul loss.

On the other hand, I realised how much I’ve grown into myself, from deep childhood trauma coping, shit work life balance to calm, clear and free. I felt like a brand new person - alone, without a partner but with normal self love within.

Truly proud of sorting out this issue, but I’ll need time to grieve.

[Michel]

LBFH
ST1
6m

On family:
Relations with my mother are better, I kept speaking harshly towards her for a long time, that was due to resentment towards being treated like a childhood scapegoat. But I’ve decided to stop the nastiness and draw a line. Not quite forgiveness, but close.

On self esteem:
Feeling that ST1 stability more and more like something I can reliably hang my hat on. I can trust it now rather than expecting the platform to crack. Also feeling full within, no need to be chasing females for what I have now (and now I end up being chased… unironically).

On success:
Can I trust success? Will I sabotage it? Will my ego collapse in a heap?

I’m also micro looping DreamBoi, however I can tell the foundation isn’t strong enough to build from it. Attraction and longing is there but feels like a sand castle. Need more time to build and strengthen from within, then the sky is the limit.

[Michel]

@Michel

I’m also micro looping DreamBoi, however I can tell the foundation isn’t strong enough to build from it. Attraction and longing is there but feels like a sand castle.

Case in point, dizzy recon concerning being seen, desired and visible resolving itself rapidly. I’m certain it’s to do with closing the door of a previous relationship and awaiting the brand new possibilities.

[Michel]

Adulting
Washing the pots and pans is immediately done without loss of energy, tidying the room is done without thought. Washing my body is done without panic. Sweeping the floor is fine without whinging, whining and moaning. Downloading the documents is done without complaining.

Calm as a motherfucker.
Keep expecting the nervous system to fire off due to admin work tasks and going to my studio. They don’t.

I keep expecting the confidence gains to collapse, is doesn’t.

I keep expecting the floor to break, it doesn’t.

Do I trust my nervous system now? More today than ever.

The panic at looking at the admin task to come didn’t fire off.

The lack of money is accepted without large loss of energy.

It is what it is, right now.

Saint is right again, time spent with ST1 sealing up the cracks in the wall ensures a much better build upwards. Whilst things are what they are, accepting them now and doing the basics will pay off later.