Hey, thank you for sharing that. I admire your strength, courage, determinism and your outlook 
I am able to relate with this. It feels like an empirical part of the human experience, yet emotions other than wrathful hatred and teenage angst are often the unwelcomed guests expected. As if you’re ignorant of being alive in their absence.
I have began to feel after Dragon Reborn and Alchemist. Even more so whenever I use LB. which makes me wonder why I don’t use it often. It’s just, unusual to feel, perceived as weakness. A strange thing.
I am curious, have you ever been in love? As it has been pointed out, you’ve had your filling of sex and money - they can be hollow and often draining, empty of true essence. It might be something missing in your life, a thing to consider. I am not necessarily meaning being in love with another person that shares it back, though should a special someone that stirs up yourbeing comes into your life, then why not; but self-love, you know, connecting with your self. Perhaps in the form of spirituality.
What you’ve been through has that imprinting effect on a person, least is what I would attribute mine to.
It might be time to heal and restore.
Okay time to grind my knives and battle-axes, then go head butting against a poor, unexpecting Moose, while a squirrel gets to witness. And it won’t dare to say a word 