I’ve been avoiding looking back at old journals for a while now. But something about RoM has me feeling like I have to go to the beginning and crunch everything in my head. It hurts I’m not gonna lie, some of my older posts bring up memories of the worst time in life. But uncovering memories, that is a RoM goal right? Anyway this is some stuff the last time I ran RoM I’m gonna break down based on my current knowledge.
Was running Wanted. Objectively I was getting more attractive on that title. But it didn’t feel right. It felt like I was watching someone else get more attractive but not me.
Lol. Yeah it’s cuz I like guys and I’m a woman. I wasn’t ready to face that. The massive sorrow was realizing the sexuality I wanted couldn’t be obtained in the current body I had. Recon city.
This is kinda wild because these were some very similar thoughts when I woke up this morning. I’m working on some music later on today. I didn’t read my older journal entries before settling on that either.
And this track. I randomly listened to it this morning after watching a tiktok video with a song that sounded familiar and then remembering it was my song it reminded me of. Which was super weird. But then I was like “oh damn, is my natural vibe and aesthetic the in thing right now?” lol.
Ya of course it was unnatural. I was moving on the scale towards features that caused me to keep detaching me from my own body more.
And so I did eventually. I think at the time me perceiving attractiveness was a cope. And what I thought was body dysmorphia was gender dysphoria.
Yeah this makes sense. RoM went deeper, hit the gender dysphoria, and I pulled back. I wasn’t ready for that.
Funny how that exact thing came up today except I’m not angry at myself at all. I’m also more willing to let all of it go and start from scratch. I get to find more of myself vs dwell on the fact I don’t know a lot of myself. I think maybe part of this anger was fear and at the time I was still deathly afraid of acknowledging I was trans.
Again unconquered fear. That fear has a legitimate reason. Stemming in discomfort, but since I couldn’t face that discomfort or acknowledge it, it was just generic fear.
And then to make things even weirder I watched this movie called The Endless last night. And it has time loops in it, like repeating past actions. And I find it so interesting that I’m here basically identifying the same cognitive loops that had me stuck in a life I didn’t want almost 2 years ago.
RoM is wild. Truthfully my brain is always doing this pattern connection type of stuff on subs but RoM is like putting it on steroids. This is really cool.
I’ve come to the conclusion, I love unfolding subs. I got a chart reading for Human Design a while back. I’m going to look at it again. I’m a generator, my strength is in allowing things to flow in and out of my life like a conveyor belt and say yes or no. Every single damn time I have imposed a set path, expectation, or forceful direction on myself I’ve ended up drained and unproductive. My most optimal way of experiencing life is in direct contrast to modern American lifestyle. No wonder I’ve been struggling so much. This beautifully efficient internal system that knows how to guarantee my happiness and it’s corrupted by the expectations pushed on me.
Starting to put the pieces together more. But I’ve got a long way to go before my mind starts working for me. Lots of bad habits I have to remove.
Thoughts now. I genuinely don’t think I have enough conscious awareness of parts of myself that have been hidden from me. So RoM is going to help me live in alignment more. But it’s all about exploration at this point.
I was thinking about Paragon but felt I’d have to drop my HoT custom, I think two physical oriented customs might be too much for my body. The only alternative would be replacing Sanguine with Paragon, but I think Sanguine is too important right now too.
Right now I think Sanguine. But paired with RoM those two seem to really synergize to get me to really dig into the why and simultaneously provide me the safety of exploring it.
Fearful avoidant is a hard one. For me a lot of it is based on shame or neglect. But working on that directly is a trigger to get my mind to close off because healing those is a pathway to others seeing me and in the current state the shameful self is still there and doesn’t want to be seen. So ironically directly targeting the thing that causes the fearful avoidant behavior makes me more avoidant because it’s a threat to my safety to remove it. It’s really convoluted, but it is very much a system that was developed and I can’t just go in and cut out things I don’t like without lashback.
Overexposed on RoM. I think I’m gonna cut back to 30 seconds on all my subs and start from scratch again trying to find the right exposure amount. I’m so afraid of not listening enough and not growing that I ironically listen too much and stunt my growth.
But looking back on my journal, upping my listening amount has never yielded the amazing breakthrough I expect.
I did have some older memories surface. A lot of pain I wasn’t aware of. I’ve blocked out a lot of my childhood. It feels like it was someone else and I think that’s a sign I haven’t made peace with the things I struggled with.
A lot of it revolving around the social aspect of things. Still unpacking.
Been applying for jobs a lot. No interviews yet. My moral is dwindling. Trying to pave over this with optimism isn’t the right move. If I’m afraid of not getting a job or not being employable that’s a strong belief I have to address.
I’ve never experienced a good job market and I’ve never experienced the job application process being easy. This has fucked me over so bad mentally. I need to work through this more.
I guess this is RoM just unearthing repressed emotions and feelings. But yesterday I was an absolute mess. Just crying off and on all day, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even tell you what emotions I was feeling. My existence just hurt, it hurt to be alive, to be in this body.
I’ve been trying not to be a victim. To just ignore all the discrimination I can face in society. But it’s hard. I genuinely can’t believe that it doesn’t matter, that I can overcome it somehow. I want to, more than anything I want to thrive in spite of all of it. But I genuinely can’t right now. And maybe I need to process this, maybe I’ve been battling this in my head and trying to overcome it somehow but I didn’t do the important thing of fully recognizing how I really feel about all of it.
I’ve been having dreams where I’m a guy and everyone treats me as a guy and it’s terrible. The fact that even in my deepest subconscious state I can’t escape this feeling hurts a lot.
What I’ve realized running RoM. I was trying to move forward with my life to escape something. And I thought I could. I really thought a new environment or a different job was the key. It’s a factor for sure, but not the whole picture. I was leaving myself behind, again because once again society was dictating where I should be vs where I actually am.
I’m still a mess today. Going to run Sanguine and my HoT custom for 30s and hope those two help me out a bit. Also really really want seductress now. I stopped running the previous one because I was doing a bit of a washout before the new one was released. And looking back I see it was really helping me feel comfortable with myself more.
The company I worked for before treated me so poorly. I’m done doing mental gymnastics thinking I’m petty or wrong. They treated me wrong, so why the hell do I feel guilty about calling them out on that? Why do I do this to myself?
The only reason that’s coming up again is because applying for these jobs, I’m trying to avoid overly demanding entitled companies. Ones who want to pay a sys admin 60k a year and have them run the help desk at the same time, they are absolutely delusional. Just want a job that won’t burn me out, is that so much to ask?
I think I’m going to run AC again to manifest something good for myself. I just can’t with these people.
It’s like a fear for me. I’m like what if it doesn’t exist? What if I’m just being immature and delusional? I have to prepare for the worst instead.
But I have to try. I have been trying for months now to keep focusing on what I want vs what I don’t want. I’ve made progress but I slip up a lot. I just wish it was easier. It’s all around me right now how difficult it is, it takes a lot of mental discipline to not be pulled into it.
Wow so my 30 second loops I ran yesterday clearly gave me enough to process. To think I was skipping right over this and doubling up on what I’m already feeling, no wonder I was struggling a bit.
I’ve chilled out a bit on my physical shifting goals. I just really really wanted good results and I was overdoing it. A lot of that was just me trying to make up for lost time. All change comes at the pace I’m ready for it. That’s what I’m telling myself. Maybe right now the physical shifting is slow, but maybe in the future it will be a lot faster. I shouldn’t use my experience in the present to predict the future and go all doomer on things.
The best thing I can do right now is be there for myself and allow myself to feel the things I’ve pushed away. Those aren’t going anywhere. I realized that i held this idealistic vision in my head of reaching this physical state I was happy with and I could just forget about my past. But I can tell the past will always be with me and I have to make peace with it.
My therapist who’s administering the neurofeedback bumped me up to the next protocol. He was like normally I don’t do this but given your situation and timeline I think we better try.
I’m like fully in it right now with my self growth. It’s been painful and a straight up battle. I wanted to just take the cushiony take your time route but I’m not afforded that luxury based on my current circumstances. There is so much more strength you need to go deep within yourself and face the things that hurt the most vs ignore it and carry on with the external world.
I don’t like it, I wish so many aspects of my life lined up better or I was given the time and resources so I can move through the world being able to establish my boundaries and focus on what I want. Nothing panned out that way. Even in that there’s some grieving of a life that could have been. So now it’s essentially all about improvising vs strict planning and being open to how things unfold.
I’ve decided though I’m gonna run Seductress. I was entertaining Hero. But you know, for once in my life I just want to be bold and expressive. I’m gonna be a total diva but in the best way possible. Diva is actually a latin word for goddess, which I had no idea until a few minutes ago lol. But yeah that’s the energy I’m bringing moving forward.
