I’d avoided this thread for a while, as while running EOG I realized something in me just wasn’t lining up with the big goals it spoke of. While on EOG, I just couldn’t see it. But I felt it, it stuck with me, and I had hoped something would just break through by running it longer, which I did. But it never gave.
Essentially, I’m sitting here now revisiting old feelings that were with me while running EOG. EOG (I thought, maybe inaccurately) is all about big wealth, prominence, and abundance. Where I have been stuck is the feeling of “that’s not me”.
Power. I sat here a few minutes after writing above, and I realized why I’ve felt so small, so powerless, so unable to make changes in my life.
I’m not used to power. I never have been. When I came to SC 2 years back, the alpha mindset was (and still is) attractive to me compared to grovelling at other’s feet. I allowed repressed anger to surface in me while running Ascension, it caused some conflict, and I backed off of Ascension for a few days. I’d grown used to being the no-conflict “Nice guy”. I stayed on it a while, but looked to discover fortes I had underutilized. So…I moved from social relations into finances, a much safer option since it’s cerebral. I could think, imagine, and create castles in the sky all day. I used another wealth sub from elsewhere, and it worked well for me since the ultimate goal was not power.
What EOG didn’t break through was a simple belief I’ve had, the feeling that… I am unworthy. That “I’m not supposed to leave Mom”. This is an old, old belief of mine which has demanded I fall in line, even when it created relationship tension with my wife at the time.
Just one example is that I graduated college in 2000. I had begun in elementary education, but got my degree in psychology, a useless degree without a master’s. I soon began taking elementary ed classes since I still enjoyed the field, and in 2003 went back to school full-time to become a teacher.
And I did in 2 semesters what I did with EOG: I pushed through, hoping something would change in me, that my confidence and belief in myself would kick into gear. And similar to EOG, as I got closer, I freaked. Success could…could…(should?)…happen.
But with both EOG and the ed classes, I bailed. Something scared the shit out of me. Didn’t finish ed classes with only 3 courses needed. Didn’t move on to Stage 2 of EOG either, the one which pushes me into action.
I’m writing this to be honest with myself. Am I … trying to stay in my mom’s survival mindset so I don’t betray her? Part of me, the inner kid, says “Yeah” She always had “just enough”. I did always think I could “save” her someday. Nearly every relative of an alcoholic or addict has thought that. I seemed to have made it my life’s mission–“make Mom happy”. She passed a year ago, but that belief has not.
I’ll leave this. Input welcomed.