EOG: No small change

[subliminalguy]

I got a real honest compliment from the head boss today. I’ve tried to deflect it internally, but stuff like this is coming my way–as I’m trying to look to bigger ideas and investments for my future. Sum it up as…I’m wowwed and humbled a bit.

I worked a very fast, productive day with 2 others today, and I enjoyed it. We all worked good together. Just after lunch, I was walking with one of them through the shop when the head boss, on stairs to his meeting room, called out to me. He asked to see me in his office in 5 minutes. Cool. I feel honored sometimes when he calls me out since it’s very rarely negative. So I didn’t expect anything negative going in.

I arrived, and I just had to sign for a regular observation of me he’s required to do every couple of months. He then said something which was incredibly positive.

He said, “if I had more guys who worked like you, I could retire.”

This is coming from the branch head, a man who’s hired and fired more men than I’ll ever know–since he’s approaching 40 years with the company.

It’s stuff like this I’ve been hearing this week, while I’m working on withdrawing bitcoin to invest in various avenues–to have freedom to leave. I’ve had a response in my head to say when they ask “why don’t you want to stay?” But presently, it feels insincere. Like I don’t really mean it. Because I have mixed feelings on it, honestly. I don’t wish to be insincere.

[AMASH]

Very deep lessons I see there in your writing, and you really capture the moments you live through.

I almost feel there with the branch head, and feel exactly how you felt about it.

You’re a gifted writer. I salute that about you.

And your courage to go a path of your own, with no Plan B, is both the right thing for a man to do, but is also the path of growth and fulfillment.

Keep going, you are not alone in this!

[subliminalguy]

Your words are definitely fulfilling to hear Amash, that is certain.

I’m moved about every time I read your words to me. I hear more and more compliments, and my “thank you” quickly feels…like not enough.

Truth check: I am wondering if part of me feels unwilling or unworthy to receive such gifts, because rich people are excellent receivers and poor people are poor receivers. (another lesson from my subconscious).

So, thank you Amash. It was great to read your heart-felt reply

[subliminalguy]

I wrote this freely to another here in a PM. I’m going to include it here since it reveals both regret and awareness coming to me. I’m slowly accepting that inner uncomfortableness, as it’s often called truth.

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I’m home, feeling afraid. Been looping EOG since about 8AM. I got the audio book “Can’t Hurt Me” by David Goggins, this morning, and listened to the whole thing. I’ll rerun it soon, but not today. There’s a LOT of emotional energy in his story, and for me, the constant traumatic events he shared touched on my own.

Survival was king growing up. I felt small and afraid at times listening to it. I also felt that long-held desire for a safe dad in my life. I’ve wanted that a long, long time. I don’t have resolution on it, just old desire.

I desire to have subs open me up so I can write and share my thoughts, for writing is often a truth-telling mechanism for me. 20 years back, I wrote daily in paper journals, some of which I still own. Journaling was my story-telling practice, my reality amongst all the faking and lying to survive. I worked some rough jobs, but I desired to use my head. Which was why I kept taking classes at college. I was subconsciously afraid of being known by anyone, so fear stayed with me. I was recreating the old routine of being successful in class, and by default, often gaining approval and attention from teachers. This was my whole routine for a decade. It took me 10 years to get my 4 year degree, and I didn’t admit this, but…

I used that college time to purposely hide from life. This is what I’ve been doing since an early age. The whole thing.

I’ve got a lot of money on my hands now, and even without this reality, money has never been my greatest need or desire. Facing life has been. Facing life. I have very little ideas on how this happens.

But that’s my scared-as-hell admission. I’ve spent a major portion of life going in circles, while ignoring past roadmarks.

I’m also scared to trust you (or trust myself with other people), going back to old feelings and traumas. That’s been a major roadblock. Again, there are trauma beliefs holding on there.

I’m going to go now. My mind wishes to go back to hiding. But possibly posting this in my journal is on my mind. Telling my truth makes it real for me. Thank you for listening.

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[AMASH]

There is a lot of courage in you sharing this in public @subliminalguy

I hope that you will be proud of yourself and realize the importance of this step to your growth.

I personally thank you for this.

[subliminalguy]

Since it’s only day 2 of my vacation, I’m in a really good spot. Running EOG all day yesterday affected both my focus and my clearing some. I had some remembrances of emotional events this morning, which isn’t common for me. They weren’t even dramatic or traumatic memories, just interactions with people which moved me.

I’m facing some minor grief this morning, as I began crying just looking at yesterday’s post. This isn’t hard presently. When I feel it, part of me is excited and grateful I’m going through this. This comes from being stuck emotionally for decades, so it’s no small event for me.

Even while writing here, an awareness showed up. For example, a word in the first paragraph is underlined red (I use Grammarly). I wrote “people which moved me”. I wondered why it was flagged. Then I reread it again. I was talking about people, not events, and I realized I distance myself from relationships, from people knowing (and hurting) me. This is significant. These same fears showed themselves in my writing.

I considered going to church today, to communicate with God in a public atmosphere. Those same fears came forward. The focus becomes much more about hiding well (and consistently)–and I don’t want to re-create old norms, old lies. Meanwhile, I read a spiritual calendar post in my bathroom days ago, I’ve left that page open, and it has me wondering.

The post shared that I should expect adversity and impossible situations. That’s when He can move in my life. And one line has stuck with me. “Allow me to fight for you”. The word “allow” stuck in my mind. You mean I don’t allow you into my life enough? By simply asking the question, I knew the answer. It felt true, despite me wanting to color it differently.

I don’t wrestle with this stuff much, for He’s there, and very accepting. Dang, this moves me since it’s not about His actions, but mine. Iron Throne seems wrapped up in this, for it involves my choices and actions.

I’ll admit though, I’m scared.

[AMASH]

I realized I distance myself from relationships, from people knowing (and hurting) me. This is significant.

This is a very important realization. I hope you’ll dig deeper into this, there is GOLD there.

That’s when He can move in my life.

Yes, when the time is right, the door opens for a deeper higher connection, no matter how much it was neglected before.

I’ll admit though, I’m scared.

Thank you for admitting this in public. It’s brave, very brave. And it’s the first step towards no more hiding.

I read this quote today, I think it might be helpful:

[subliminalguy]

I’m grateful we have tools (these subliminals) to help redirect the negative stories in our heads.

Also, I’m beginning to really appreciate Iron Throne. I imagined it painful and pushy when I began Kahn last year, but both then and now I’ve had clear, sober thoughts of “why am I NOT doing that?” It’s not punitive at all. It just makes me REALLY aware of the choices I have.

[subliminalguy]

Been sitting, reading here, and listening to music. I desire to go to WallyWorld to pick up some melatonin, but an underlying reason is that I desire to be out of my room. I have to wait until tomorrow to take action on bitcoin withdrawal steps since bank verifications don’t happen on weekends.

I read @anon3072973’s comment to @Malkuth just now. He said he’d be all confident one minute, then suddenly think “who are you kidding?!” I’m thinking closer to the latter–so that’s why I want to get out. Taking action is essential to diffusing reconciliation.

That’s been my day today. I did want to report something which happened here this morning.

In the last 2 years, I’ve bought maybe 3 books from financial newsletters. Some are classics. Like they might have gold in them. But truthfully, I’ve not touched them. It may be a fear of succeeding, it may be a major doubting of myself to just walk over, take a book, and follow its advice. The latter stuck while I wrote. But something clicked in me this morning.

It was the first financial book I bought. It was connected to a newsletter offer, and I didn’t have funds then. However, I looked the book up on Amazon (or Ebay), and purchased it. It’s been on top of a lounge chair (where I throw stuff for later)…but I feared that questioning and doubting of myself, so it’s just laid there. I remember this book shared some old money secrets and safe-havens, plus many more ideas.

This morning, I got up, got some breakfast, and began deciding my plans for today. I was walking past this lounge chair, and looked at the book. My mindset was “why not?”, so I picked it up and opened it. Damn, the very page I opened to spoke about high cash value whole life insurance policies, something the wealthy use to hold and preserve their money. Walt Disney, Ray Croc, JCPenney, and John D. Rockefeller used these extensively to finance their own projects, for all of them began each business in days before such industries were commonplace. Banks wouldn’t trust them, so they used the policies to finance themselves starting up. I believe Rockefeller used them to mainly hold and grow his wealth.

Also, I learned about high cash value whole life policies a year back or so, and I definitely will use them personally. In fact, I have a phone meeting this Wednesday to discuss putting money in one for myself. I’d started discussions with this organization last fall.

Regarding this book, I was only in it maybe 3 minutes or so, but it is the first impetus that I’ll be motivated to learn more in the future. I’m 2 weeks away from finishing 2 months on ST1, and I look forward to more. I’ve taken action to get to this point, and I will continue to take action.

[AMASH]

@subliminalguy

Also, I learned about high cash value whole life policies a year back or so, and I definitely will use them personally. In fact, I have a phone meeting this Wednesday to discuss putting money in one for myself. I’d started discussions with this organization last fall.

I hope you will find the policy that fits you perfectly, and use it to its full potential

@subliminalguy

I’ve taken action to get to this point, and I will continue to take action.

Action is how What If becomes What Is!

@subliminalguy

then suddenly think “who are you kidding?!” I’m thinking closer to the latter

[subliminalguy]

That quote says a lot. I can be my biggest “enemy”.

[subliminalguy]

I was writing this morning, and I became aware of a core belief of mine.

“I’m not worthy to have this kind of wealth”.

I’ve had it on my wealth goals sheet, I’ve not been reading it every single day (since I’ve feared getting discouraged), so there’s my truth. This week I even added 3 new Reasons I Will Fail so ST1 could focus on it. I…have not reprinted out the new copy.

My motivation is I’ve got money that many people could retire on. How do I feel “normal” now? Better stated … what IS normal now? I first reflect on a buddy hit by a work truck around 5 years back. He got around $3mil in a settlement, and he never has to work anymore. He’s got his money with a big firm, and he asks for a paltry $3000 a month. Having spent a bit of time with him in years past, I know he lives in a scarcity mindset, fearing he’ll run out. I’d say it’s possible if one sticks with financial managers who lace such accounts with numerous fees “cuz they’re all in your contract”. I dislike such practices, having lost a lot of money to such “hidden” fees.

Anyway, I’ll go print out the sheet first before posting this.

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I spent almost a whole hour trying to connect my printer, and finally quit on it since other things are important this morning. I did PDF print it on my desktop, and will PDF it here.

Done.

And know what? I didn’t have “I feel unworthy of wealth” on there. It’s my latest entry. Damn–wondering how long I should or could be on ST1? I’ve been looping it since about 630 this morning, and this unworthiness is on my mind. What’s different is I’m feeling unworthy as an adult presently, which shows in my life, but I assumed it was all connected to childhood events. This is different. I can change my perceptions in the present, where childhood, I can’t. Me fighting such change (as I’m bitching about it) doesn’t help. It hurts me more to dismiss or discount needed change. And this is a big change needed.

How might I take actions today that defy my belief that I’m unworthy of great wealth? This is something I feel afraid of, so wtf? Doing something is facing it.

I live in a wealthy town on the coast. Wondering…what am I afraid of?

[subliminalguy]

EOG opened me up today.

While shopping at WalMart an hour ago, I felt this desire growing in me to absolutely look for my truth inside. The usual survival tactics were being actively dismissed, and this felt very easy to do. And with that, I instinctively began searching my heart for “what do I really need and want?”

In a flash, I began looking into people’s eyes. I was looking for something, though I wasn’t sure what. One guy walked by, I explored his eyes, and I instantly felt this want, this need, to be looked at, to be validated as a man. It was me allowing the little boy in me to reach out and seek to have his needs met. And no, I didn’t do or say anything to draw attention to myself.

But I knew I wanted to be around men to be validated and honored as a man.

I imagined the freedom of looking into a mentor figure’s eyes since I needed feedback to tell myself I was adequate. That truth, that honest discussion, I’ve not had in a while. But I will share this: the last 2 times I’ve reached out to masculine coaches seeking help, I cried heavily both times in those meetings. It’s like that little boy in me wants to know he’s adequate to handle life, that he is enough. It was so crystal clear to me.

It’s also primarily why I choose to work with all men. I’ve stayed there primarily for the validation, not the industry. My roughest days on the job are when I have my protective shields up. People pick up my vibe, and stay away.

But I’ve wanted that. I’ve needed that. So thank God I am with a company that focuses on men’s growth via subliminals. They’ve worked very well so far. Now I need a mentor, or a coach. And I actually found one recently. I’m just working and waiting for withdrawal funds to begin coaching with him.

This desire was so clear to me today.

[Lion]

That’s very deep, @subliminalguy. Your story of the financial book you are reading and implementing is motivational. And the above post about your need for validation from masculine figures gives me food for thought in my own life.

[anon3072973]

Congratulations man. This really sounds like it was a huge issue in your life

[subliminalguy]

Your story of the financial book you are reading and implementing is motivational.

Yeah. That’s just one book too. I find real truths are often repeated by others, and that was a confirmation that it’s one valid, stress(less) way to preserve one’s money. I was first made aware of high cash value life insurance through a book called “The ‘501(k)’ Plan”. It showed the fragility of the 401k setup, and even Ted Benna, the creator of the original 401k, introduced the book. He learned quickly that 401k’s were made by the financial system to benefit themselves, not the contributors. It stuck in my head, and numerous confirmations have arisen in the last 2 years.

401(k)'s are all based on the stock market, and when the market drops heavily again, most holdings will evaporate like they did in 2008. Meanwhile, life insurance has endured over 200 years in this country. The money is not in the stock market, so loss isn’t a concern. And even with regular and repeated wars, recessions, and depressions, they still stand.

A major reason I’ve eyed them as well is life insurance is not subject to tax. If I have a $500k policy (any amount really), anything I borrow from the policy is not taxed. Taxes are the largest predator of wealth, so that’s extremely attractive to me. Compare that to doing withdrawals from a brokerage and having to pay 20%-35% in capital gains taxes every time. Are you serious?

I’ll share a free book I picked up by one leader in the field. Garrett Gunderson has spent his life in finance helping others, and he discovered that the Rockefeller family used (and still use) life insurance to grow and protect their wealth. He wrote a book called “What Would the Rockefellers Do?” He shares why it’s valuable, how he’s used them himself, and how it can be done realistically.

This is an Amazon shot, showing it selling for $10

What Would the Rockefellers Do?: How the Wealthy Get and Stay That Way, and How You Can Too

https://wealthfactory.com/rockefellers/book/

But you can download the PDF in the link above. I tried uploading my copy here, but it wouldn’t take.

[Lion]

@subliminalguy - I know you have provided a link for the free copy, but I just checked the book out on kindle. Really fascinating to be frank. Thanks for the info.

[subliminalguy]

That’s good to know. I’d assumed it wouldn’t be there, so thanks for the info

[subliminalguy]

When financial things don’t go my way, I feel my inner rage and blame surface.

There’s one guy I’ve dealt with repeatedly in the mining exchange I’ve used, and I unfortunately have been hostile to him a number of times. He gave me wrong (ill-informed) info about my account 2 weeks back, but I got excited thinking the door was open for withdrawal. He missed something which was key, and my miner pointed it out. The door was clearly not open yet. So, the last time I spoke with him, a moment arose, and I vented on him. I even cut out of the conversation early since I was pissed.

I went on the exchange tonight, I spoke up asking for help via their chat service, and maybe 30 minutes later, I saw my browser tab flashing since this same rep came on.

I first apologized for being rude to him last week. I said I did not treat him respectfully. I quickly changed gears though, sharing a concern I sought help with. No response. I spoke up over half a dozen times (waiting about 10 minutes between each reply), but he’s not replied.

I’ve purposely not acted entitled to treating him poorly tonight. I wonder what these guys and gals are used to hearing from their clients. I have a lot of money with them, something doesn’t go like I’d like it to, and I begin expressing anger and fear-based puke.

What I’m wondering about is his culture. I am only speculating, but I’d seen a movie on outsourcing, and these men and women try their very best to accommodate (entitled) Americans–living in poor countries often being paid minimal wages. Being an asshole to customer service reps is not a right. I was wrong.

My last message to him (done during writing this) was “I was wrong for disrespecting you.” I thought it may be manipulative, it was, but I was wrong for blasting him.

[subliminalguy]

Ever need help focusing? I do. I’m speaking of focusing emotionally, as a lot has gone on the last 24 hours. I’ll share what’s happened, then share why I’m here to write.

My post last night involving the customer service rep wrapped around a fear I had, for I’d paid for my bitcoin private key yesterday, but I was afraid the funds would be used for some mining machines I’d held which are only waiting for funding. They draw from the same wallet, so I emailed the exchange and attempted chatting with the rep. I didn’t want to fund a machine. I needed private keys since without them, withdrawals are not possible.

I prayed last night, asking God to fight for me. I wanted this bad, I’ve been working on acquiring a key for many months now, tax refunds came, and I used them to purchase a key. So the possibility of losing it to a mining machine was reason enough to ask for help.

I got up this morning, still unsure, but I opened my laptop. And WOW! An email subject line jumped out at me: “Key payment received” (Happy Dance!)

They said it’ll take up to 3 days for them to generate it. Noooo problem.

Now I’ll share why I wanted to write here. It’s all internal.

I became afraid—damn, it’s becoming clear now. I have financial commitments to 3 different people, 2 of which are business-related, and one is personal (my ex-wife asked for me to pay off a loan of hers in exchange for using her share of the tax refund. No problem).

But the fear came from me thinking I needed to make everyone happy. I felt a little frantic and nervous this morning–mostly since up to this point in my life, I’ve failed to do that. It’s a childhood belief that no matter what I try to do to make someone happy, I will fail. And one of the business commitments is with a guy who knows his stuff, but damn, he’s insecure. He takes me saying “I’ll likely be able to pay you this week” and turns it into “I will definitely pay you this week”. I got an email Tuesday anxiously asking “Are we starting today? You said you’d start this week” This, too, got wrapped up in this franticness in my head this morning. I’m trying to please everybody.

There’s a bit of anxiety in this message since it appears unresolved. But I experienced something yesterday which seems to help. It involves focusing.

I’d gotten out of my place yesterday to drive down to the river and walk. I decided to walk on a public dock, and in times past, I’d come there to talk with God. I ended up not walking that much, but sitting and resting. Noone else was on the dock since it was around 4PM, and people were heading home from work.

Well, I finally got up and began heading to exit the dock and head home. It was a narrow dock, I had my glasses off, but I became aware of how focusing on just the dock in front of me relaxed me mentally and emotionally. When I looked up, I instantly would “take on other’s problems”, so I just focused on walking and the simple route right in front of me. I even U-turned a couple of times to stay on the dock and keep that focus.

I normally don’t enter such a state, but since it was physical, I embraced it. I’ve had this anxiety-producing caretaking mentality my whole life, so focusing on myself and my needs was relaxing and enjoyable. I’m wondering how I could use that in present circumstances.

Does EOG help with focusing? Stage 2 sounds like it may contain it, but ST1?