That quote says a lot. I can be my biggest “enemy”.
2 Likes
I was writing this morning, and I became aware of a core belief of mine.
“I’m not worthy to have this kind of wealth”.
I’ve had it on my wealth goals sheet, I’ve not been reading it every single day (since I’ve feared getting discouraged), so there’s my truth. This week I even added 3 new Reasons I Will Fail so ST1 could focus on it. I…have not reprinted out the new copy.
My motivation is I’ve got money that many people could retire on. How do I feel “normal” now? Better stated … what IS normal now? I first reflect on a buddy hit by a work truck around 5 years back. He got around $3mil in a settlement, and he never has to work anymore. He’s got his money with a big firm, and he asks for a paltry $3000 a month. Having spent a bit of time with him in years past, I know he lives in a scarcity mindset, fearing he’ll run out. I’d say it’s possible if one sticks with financial managers who lace such accounts with numerous fees “cuz they’re all in your contract”. I dislike such practices, having lost a lot of money to such “hidden” fees.
Anyway, I’ll go print out the sheet first before posting this.
I spent almost a whole hour trying to connect my printer, and finally quit on it since other things are important this morning. I did PDF print it on my desktop, and will PDF it here.
Done.
And know what? I didn’t have “I feel unworthy of wealth” on there. It’s my latest entry. Damn–wondering how long I should or could be on ST1? I’ve been looping it since about 630 this morning, and this unworthiness is on my mind. What’s different is I’m feeling unworthy as an adult presently, which shows in my life, but I assumed it was all connected to childhood events. This is different. I can change my perceptions in the present, where childhood, I can’t. Me fighting such change (as I’m bitching about it) doesn’t help. It hurts me more to dismiss or discount needed change. And this is a big change needed.
How might I take actions today that defy my belief that I’m unworthy of great wealth? This is something I feel afraid of, so wtf? Doing something is facing it.
I live in a wealthy town on the coast. Wondering…what am I afraid of?
5 Likes
EOG opened me up today.
While shopping at WalMart an hour ago, I felt this desire growing in me to absolutely look for my truth inside. The usual survival tactics were being actively dismissed, and this felt very easy to do. And with that, I instinctively began searching my heart for “what do I really need and want?”
In a flash, I began looking into people’s eyes. I was looking for something, though I wasn’t sure what. One guy walked by, I explored his eyes, and I instantly felt this want, this need, to be looked at, to be validated as a man. It was me allowing the little boy in me to reach out and seek to have his needs met. And no, I didn’t do or say anything to draw attention to myself.
But I knew I wanted to be around men to be validated and honored as a man.
I imagined the freedom of looking into a mentor figure’s eyes since I needed feedback to tell myself I was adequate. That truth, that honest discussion, I’ve not had in a while. But I will share this: the last 2 times I’ve reached out to masculine coaches seeking help, I cried heavily both times in those meetings. It’s like that little boy in me wants to know he’s adequate to handle life, that he is enough. It was so crystal clear to me.
It’s also primarily why I choose to work with all men. I’ve stayed there primarily for the validation, not the industry. My roughest days on the job are when I have my protective shields up. People pick up my vibe, and stay away.
But I’ve wanted that. I’ve needed that. So thank God I am with a company that focuses on men’s growth via subliminals. They’ve worked very well so far. Now I need a mentor, or a coach. And I actually found one recently. I’m just working and waiting for withdrawal funds to begin coaching with him.
This desire was so clear to me today.
4 Likes
That’s very deep, @subliminalguy. Your story of the financial book you are reading and implementing is motivational. And the above post about your need for validation from masculine figures gives me food for thought in my own life.
3 Likes
Congratulations man. This really sounds like it was a huge issue in your life
3 Likes
Yeah. That’s just one book too. I find real truths are often repeated by others, and that was a confirmation that it’s one valid, stress(less) way to preserve one’s money. I was first made aware of high cash value life insurance through a book called “The ‘501(k)’ Plan”. It showed the fragility of the 401k setup, and even Ted Benna, the creator of the original 401k, introduced the book. He learned quickly that 401k’s were made by the financial system to benefit themselves, not the contributors. It stuck in my head, and numerous confirmations have arisen in the last 2 years.
401(k)'s are all based on the stock market, and when the market drops heavily again, most holdings will evaporate like they did in 2008. Meanwhile, life insurance has endured over 200 years in this country. The money is not in the stock market, so loss isn’t a concern. And even with regular and repeated wars, recessions, and depressions, they still stand.
A major reason I’ve eyed them as well is life insurance is not subject to tax. If I have a $500k policy (any amount really), anything I borrow from the policy is not taxed. Taxes are the largest predator of wealth, so that’s extremely attractive to me. Compare that to doing withdrawals from a brokerage and having to pay 20%-35% in capital gains taxes every time. Are you serious?
I’ll share a free book I picked up by one leader in the field. Garrett Gunderson has spent his life in finance helping others, and he discovered that the Rockefeller family used (and still use) life insurance to grow and protect their wealth. He wrote a book called “What Would the Rockefellers Do?” He shares why it’s valuable, how he’s used them himself, and how it can be done realistically.
This is an Amazon shot, showing it selling for $10
https://wealthfactory.com/rockefellers/book/
But you can download the PDF in the link above. I tried uploading my copy here, but it wouldn’t take.
4 Likes
@subliminalguy - I know you have provided a link for the free copy, but I just checked the book out on kindle. Really fascinating to be frank. Thanks for the info.
2 Likes
That’s good to know. I’d assumed it wouldn’t be there, so thanks for the info 
2 Likes
When financial things don’t go my way, I feel my inner rage and blame surface.
There’s one guy I’ve dealt with repeatedly in the mining exchange I’ve used, and I unfortunately have been hostile to him a number of times. He gave me wrong (ill-informed) info about my account 2 weeks back, but I got excited thinking the door was open for withdrawal. He missed something which was key, and my miner pointed it out. The door was clearly not open yet. So, the last time I spoke with him, a moment arose, and I vented on him. I even cut out of the conversation early since I was pissed.
I went on the exchange tonight, I spoke up asking for help via their chat service, and maybe 30 minutes later, I saw my browser tab flashing since this same rep came on.
I first apologized for being rude to him last week. I said I did not treat him respectfully. I quickly changed gears though, sharing a concern I sought help with. No response. I spoke up over half a dozen times (waiting about 10 minutes between each reply), but he’s not replied.
I’ve purposely not acted entitled to treating him poorly tonight. I wonder what these guys and gals are used to hearing from their clients. I have a lot of money with them, something doesn’t go like I’d like it to, and I begin expressing anger and fear-based puke.
What I’m wondering about is his culture. I am only speculating, but I’d seen a movie on outsourcing, and these men and women try their very best to accommodate (entitled) Americans–living in poor countries often being paid minimal wages. Being an asshole to customer service reps is not a right. I was wrong.
My last message to him (done during writing this) was “I was wrong for disrespecting you.” I thought it may be manipulative, it was, but I was wrong for blasting him.
5 Likes
Ever need help focusing? I do. I’m speaking of focusing emotionally, as a lot has gone on the last 24 hours. I’ll share what’s happened, then share why I’m here to write.
My post last night involving the customer service rep wrapped around a fear I had, for I’d paid for my bitcoin private key yesterday, but I was afraid the funds would be used for some mining machines I’d held which are only waiting for funding. They draw from the same wallet, so I emailed the exchange and attempted chatting with the rep. I didn’t want to fund a machine. I needed private keys since without them, withdrawals are not possible.
I prayed last night, asking God to fight for me. I wanted this bad, I’ve been working on acquiring a key for many months now, tax refunds came, and I used them to purchase a key. So the possibility of losing it to a mining machine was reason enough to ask for help.
I got up this morning, still unsure, but I opened my laptop. And WOW! An email subject line jumped out at me: “Key payment received” (Happy Dance!)
They said it’ll take up to 3 days for them to generate it. Noooo problem.
Now I’ll share why I wanted to write here. It’s all internal.
I became afraid—damn, it’s becoming clear now. I have financial commitments to 3 different people, 2 of which are business-related, and one is personal (my ex-wife asked for me to pay off a loan of hers in exchange for using her share of the tax refund. No problem).
But the fear came from me thinking I needed to make everyone happy. I felt a little frantic and nervous this morning–mostly since up to this point in my life, I’ve failed to do that. It’s a childhood belief that no matter what I try to do to make someone happy, I will fail. And one of the business commitments is with a guy who knows his stuff, but damn, he’s insecure. He takes me saying “I’ll likely be able to pay you this week” and turns it into “I will definitely pay you this week”. I got an email Tuesday anxiously asking “Are we starting today? You said you’d start this week” This, too, got wrapped up in this franticness in my head this morning. I’m trying to please everybody.
There’s a bit of anxiety in this message since it appears unresolved. But I experienced something yesterday which seems to help. It involves focusing.
I’d gotten out of my place yesterday to drive down to the river and walk. I decided to walk on a public dock, and in times past, I’d come there to talk with God. I ended up not walking that much, but sitting and resting. Noone else was on the dock since it was around 4PM, and people were heading home from work.
Well, I finally got up and began heading to exit the dock and head home. It was a narrow dock, I had my glasses off, but I became aware of how focusing on just the dock in front of me relaxed me mentally and emotionally. When I looked up, I instantly would “take on other’s problems”, so I just focused on walking and the simple route right in front of me. I even U-turned a couple of times to stay on the dock and keep that focus.
I normally don’t enter such a state, but since it was physical, I embraced it. I’ve had this anxiety-producing caretaking mentality my whole life, so focusing on myself and my needs was relaxing and enjoyable. I’m wondering how I could use that in present circumstances.
Does EOG help with focusing? Stage 2 sounds like it may contain it, but ST1?
8 Likes
Yes, this is an important issue that will give you a lot of relief once you free yourself from it. Because then, you can begin to do some things for yourself, of your own, rather than to make others happy.
I salute the wisdom and depth you show here every day!
This is an important insight. How could you use this more in your life? What opportunities, even small ones, in your day you can use to “walk the narrow dock” and focus, and therefore relax mentally and emotionally.
Maybe it does. Or maybe you are evolving and improving in ways you may have not noticed, because of all the work you are putting into yourself
1 Like
I don’t know if you need glasses permanently but that’s the exact same trick I used to feel more confident - to filter out and focus on what’s in front of you. Seeing other people meant taking on their view of me (not usually good).
2 Likes
Understood @Michel. I wear my glasses all the time, but in the last week my eyes have been hurting, so I took them off for that reason. But having to look at objects near me (I’m nearsighted) kept my focus right in front of me. And that set me up for me finding some peace by minding my own business.
Being on that dock felt like I separated from people a bit. I felt freedom not being owned by other people’s needs, and when I looked up and saw people just 200 feet away, I instantly went into “savior” mode. Part of me (a major part) said “NO!!!” and I looked down. I was there for me, noone else.
I took a walk today without my glasses, and noticed I often look for people’s attention by looking for their eyes, even with people driving by. Wearing no glasses while walking kept me more focused on what I thought and felt. This draws some connections now, for I didn’t start corrective lenses (via contact lenses) until I was 16. I still remembering suddenly seeing people’s faces and non-verbal expressions in high school. Before this, I kept my head down most of the time. I wasn’t “cool”, but minding my own business gave me some sanity vs. the practices of trying to please everyone.
I’m presently trying to see how I can help people without being a saviour. Dang. I just remembered a simple message while flying: put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else. I’m still learning what this means since I’ve not practiced it often. I think if a codependency sub was created by SubClub, it’d sell like hotcakes…maybe. I say that since most stout codependents are usually “right”. Without a major life crisis, they (and I) have felt quite successful “saving” people. Why would a person help themselves if their emotional lifeline was based on this? It’d have to be detoxified from gradually, IMO. Loving other people requires loving oneself first. That is the daily priority in my life, and EOG is (surprisingly) showing me still trying lying and hiding a bit.
–I just looked at my post. I began with only 2 paragraphs. I did put Sanguine in my stack today. I’m “talking” my ass off. I’m done here (but still want to write 
)
2 Likes
F*** it. I’m writing more.
I have been trying to avoid the emotional pain being brought up this last hour. Before I even replied to @Michel, I planned on coming here–for me–to share the bullshit. To be honest–with me. I can bullshit others all day long, but I live with myself, and that’s the only thing I have control over. Or something like that.
I’m going to change some now. I’ve not felt strong today. EOG has been bringing up some past memories today. They were neither great nor terrible memories, BUT I noticed that right along with me seeing these memories, I had some attachment to them. And due to this battle of me vs. EOG, I began to feel sad. Like it was being pulled away.
Memories like:
-
Being a kid with my daughter when she was young. I hung to the “security” of me acting young as long as I could. I did feel like a kid when with her. These times allowed a lot of letting my inner kid out, and I cherished it.
-
Being a kid at work as a substitute teacher. I was so easygoing, but also in control of myself, that kids allowed themselves to be young too (a lot of the time). This was my own emotional training ground too, for when I tried to be in control (of a class not normally structured) it caused problems. I learned to listen and look for cues so i could adapt to what worked. That’s a teacher’s true skill: adapting themselves to meet the group’s felt needs. I loved that daily challenge.
I am an INFP, so both teaching and parenting were gifts to myself (or something like that 
)
But part of me knows…I moved on. Life has changed.
However, I was clearly touched today since I texted my daughter, and she replied.
She doesn’t normally reply, but she did today. And that’s when I began reminiscing. I miss her. And living closer to her is my goal since…yeah…we both need it. That’s what’s been on my heart today. EOG may be helping me acquire wealth, but one clear goal is to allow me to be in her life on a regular basis again (we live in different states). Sniffle, sniffle.
2 Likes
I’ve had an unusually rough day today, sparked by my exchange announcing an additional withdrawal fee early this morning once I made noise I was moving toward a withdrawal. I felt really out of control. But in the last six hours, specifically this last hour, I’m seeing something much clearer which sparked my anxiety. EOG is pointing out my repressed anger. It’s very uncomfortable.
I watched a Jordan Peterson video which I’ve put below, and 95% of my life, I’ve been agreeable with people. I would do anything to not be confrontational, start a fight, or have people reject me due to my own anger. I swallowed it mostly. That was before SubClub.
I’m in the spot presently where I’m really attracted to this emotional independence, this self-care and dignity, and the freedom from simply standing one’s ground. This stuff looks awesome!
What I realized today is that this mentality is completely opposite from what my survival beliefs have put in me. It is the main reason I pulled off Emperor 4. Anger was surfacing, and every norm I’ve followed felt threatened. It was no picnic for me, as Emperor doesn’t push one now; it pushes one like one missed something yesterday. Emperor has loads of supportive scripting to keep one going, but anger still makes me feel real young; ie. helpless. Those beliefs came from my upbringing, and I’ve often dissociated from anger, mentally and emotionally. I realized today I wanted to resort to old coping mechanisms like 'I can’t do this. I need help". I even began a post this morning, but scrapped it knowing…it was giving my power away. I’ll cut off the explanation now.
So, I am wondering how to face this. I can “think” all day, but I’m listening for subconscious clues or nudges suggesting something.
One came up: get crayons and art paper and draw. I did this when I first got married and lived with in-laws after the 2004 hurricanes. i began drawing out how I felt, and in the scratch I’d put down, I suddenly saw my anger in that block, my sadness in that line going down…stuff like that. Just like journaling, this made it very very real for me. It was like a creation stemming from Mind’s Eye, for psychological healing. I expressed emotion without identifying it, then I saw it clearly right in front of me.
It’s officially labelled art therapy. I’m heading out, going to the store to search for crayons and paper. I wanna do this again.
4 Likes
You are touching the heart of a sensitive part of yourself. It is rough.
At the same time, we are a group of men, we support each other, there is no shame in getting help and giving help.
Could it be that help is “neutral,” but the mentality behind getting help is what determined whether it is weakness, or multiplying your strength by getting access to the strength of others?
I am a firm believer in expressing your emotions through art. Keep going!
3 Likes
Feeling some deep regret currently. I ran ST1 all day yesterday, all last night, and I’m still running it.
Regret is from me turning back to old ways, old survival stuff I’ve used and used every time I become aware of something uncomfortable, and I’m getting glimpses of this glaring distance between me…and all of life…life right next to me…in my neighborhood…anywhere I go or even think of going. I turn to inner shields faster than…well, immediately.
I’ve been hiding. But I’ve been hiding from myself. I did some art therapy yesterday (just crayons and paper), and in a single undramatic 5-minute drawing, I revealed more about myself than I’ve seen in years. It was extremely clear.
Me hiding and lying to myself is what I’m seeing. This is what needs to change.
3 Likes
I’m realizing I put this shield up too in this forum. When I walked away from my laptop, I became aware of it. Just another front.
1 Like
You mean acting as if you are someone you aren’t?
1 Like
I’m so used to giving the expected response out of fear, so I’ll change it and answer from what I feel.
I give responses 100% of the time to ensure that you think I’m a nice guy. This front disguises my truth since it makes me look acceptable. My trouble within does not stem from the dishonesty with you. It stems from the dishonesty with myself, because that’s the real person I am betraying.
2 Likes