I find myself feeling a sort of invincibility I know is delusional in the face of Coronavirus. Walking around throwing out gallows humor. I am feeling fairly little anxiety despite knowing there is reason for it.
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Back with EmperorQ today after about six hours short of three days without listening to EmperorQ due to taking a short trip.
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Same ;9 But the mind is a strong alley, there is a reason why some people die and some donāt have any symptoms at all (besides other factors like age, immunity)
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Back on Emperor for 1.5 days, most of which were spent indoors except for a trip to Dollar General to get some canned goods to have around and a related trip to the convenience store to make sure the gas tank is full.
So I went to a Mexican restaurant with a friend just before all the restaurants and bars were closed down here. My friendās idea of a hilarious joke was ordering a Corona, which actually is a decent lighter beer. Better than the standard American watery lagers.
I am back to listening to EmperorQ all day long. In these days of Coronavirus I desperately want to take action but any action I would take seems futile.
I feel a bit like I am spinning my wheels and going a bit crazy. Today it is fairly cold and raining. I need to go to my office and collect some things. I guess that is purposeful action.
I have been mildly ill with flu symptoms and a cough for more than two weeks now. To be honest, I hope it is Corona, as that would likely mean I have survived it and developed antibodies.
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Everything is so unsettled and I am just sitting at home by myself. I suppose everyone is.
Everything is so much anxiety and resignation. This is not a situation where there can be clarity on bold action.
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Just shifted some things with Verizon that will make it easier to work from home. I am not completely paralyzed by uncertainty and am continuing to be able to function and make decisions.
So I had to switch from the legacy unlimited Verizon data plan I have had since 2009 to the best unlimited plan they have now to facilitate working from home. I immediately noticed that my video was buffering and speed was radically decreased. I use a massive amount of data, was already above the 75 gb limit for the month, and clearly, when you get beyond that limit your quality gets radically compromised to the point that everything slows to a crawl and some things are unuseable.
Of course the guy on the phone helping me make the switch promised I would notice no issues at all. Did I believe him? No.
I made the necessary decision to be able to do what I needed to do and while I will send a message to Verizon to express my unhappiness with their service and lack of integrity about the poor service they offer, I will adjust and make due. Unfortunately, where I live there arenāt many viable options and the only other decent option likely would not have offered much better service and the shift would have been costly and disruptive in this time of crisis, so I stuck with the known quantity.
I am figuring on buying Khan relatively soon, mainly to be able to use ST1 Total Breakdown.
I am kind of hoping the new track that has been discussed that would serve a similar purpose might actually be made and released soon. It it does, I will buy that.
Once the EmperorQ trial ends, and as Covid 19 ramps up, Iād like to get more into a breaking down and rebuilding of the self to be born anew as this crisis breaks.
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I am planning to go to my office to retrieve some things to help me work from home. I have not left the house in 48 hours despite needing to do this.
I am finding myself locked in some sort of stasis. Being stuck at home is maddening but I am trying to think of places to go outside and still avoid people, just to keep myself sane. Still pretty cold where I am.
Having problems with Verizon after switching service. Everything is slow and buffering, even though I have their ābestā unlimited data plan. I had switched from a legacy plan I had for 10 years that was never good, but was never this bad. They claim this plan has the same speeds as my old plan.
I kind of feel really solid and stable and like I am totally breaking down and apart at the same time.
I kind of donāt give a fuck, but that has its negative connotations, too, like maybe not caring if coronavirus took me out.
I have been feeling very tired of the world and am failing a bit lately at seeing its possibilities.
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I have had some kind of low level flu now for three weeks. Is it Covid? I think itās unlikely but I called Urgent Care and they said donāt bother coming in unless you are in a group with high likeliness to have been exposed to the virus or are showing more serious symptoms.
Am listening to the new free anti-covid sub on my phone in Ultrsonic. EmpQ
alone continues on all listening stations.
Kind of generally frustrated and pissed off all the time. I have been diagnosed with ocd and have some repetitive and obsessive behaviours that can mean there are weird, irrational rituals that occur before taking action on certain things. I also find, as I sit around my house in social isolation that I often have no idea what would be the most appropriate course of action.
Doubt is always in everything.
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Getting terrible service from Verizon after switching plans. Dealing with the customer service reps pisses me off. I get fixated on things and canāt turn the frustration off. OCD. Things endlessly spin in my head.
I am finding myself in a bit of a bad headspace lately. At my office, but I am able to socially distance easily here.
I have been going to my office. Easy to socially distance. I can easily not be around people.
Otherwise it is all this stasis and doubt and uncertainty. Taking action in this situation might just be using the down time more constructively or creatively and I have been endeavouring to do that.
I have really been grinding out the loops of EmperorQ. Masked at home running all the time. Ultrasonic at the office all the time.
I suppose today I probably was around 22.5 hours. Only time not exposed was driving, walking to and from my car, quick trip to the grocery store, miniscule other walks down the hall.
This feels like a funny time to run a test, but I find myself often forgetting about the coming storm outside, and I feel both kind of stable and solid, and depressed and spent. It is a strange feeling.
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One thing I recall about my initial run of Emperor starting in August of 2018, was extremely vivid dreams that were clearly a side effect of the subliminal. I am not finding that effect with EmpQ. I am not saying it is a negative or positive, just that it is the case.
I continue to go to my office for at least part of each day. The rural road I drive to get there has even less traffic than usual. I see few people around the building and we maintain our distance. I stay in my office and keep the door locked so I have a choice whether to interact with someone. It feels like some strange dream, maybe a bit like Kafka, or magic realism. I find the goals and purposes of people seem a bit ludicrous in the face of all this. We have built edifices on poor foundations. We continue to sacrifice to the same Gods rather than learn something and evolve.
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Youāre not alone. This is how I feel also.
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I feel that way too when I run EmperorQ. Itās a cross between being incredibly determined and wanting to do and be better but not knowing what fucking direction to go in
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