Noticed a sort of nonchalance today in a recurring work situation that normally would put me on edge.
Also seemingly greater deference, too.
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Not much to add yet since the last post other than sleep has been especially good. Anxiety seems muted.
Not related to my sub use but have some major health issues coming to the fore that are causing me anxiety, too.
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The feelings of loss and failure hit me hard with Ev4. I did just under 60 days and if I recall correctly it hit me about a week in badly. And then again right around the 30 day mark.
I have just started EQ today so can’t share any experience of these feelings at the moment. Only positive, but only day 1.
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I did just a week of Emp4 before getting the chance to test EmpQ and deciding to let that be my only sub playing for a while.
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We tend to see things like frustration, anger, envy, depression etc. as inherently bad. We try to eliminate these feelings from our life, often even shaming ourselves that we have such thoughts and feelings. But those - even if they can hurt you- are essential part of the human nature. We should embrace the “bad”. Without the “bad” there is no “good”. But even the classification of frustration, anger, envy, depression etc. as “bad” is wrong. Artists around the world created in phases of crisis, war and depression the most stunning creative art pieces of all time, inspiring humans around them and bringing “good” to their environment and society forever. You can embrace those feelings of frustration and dig deep and find the cause of the feeling itself, solving some issues that have been holding you back. Embrace the feeling of envy to find the cause of loss and use it as motivation to take action towards your goals. It depends what you make out of these things.
Stay strong @dorfmeister. I am sure, the table will turn for you soon.
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I switched both my masked and ultrasonic listening stations to the updated versions of EmperorQ yesterday.
Crazy sexual and romantic dreams that were probably the coming together of EmperorQ and long messages sent between myself and a woman online who I have a relationship of sorts with (It is impossible for me to really see an online connection with someone as a relationship, but she certainly sees it that way). The conversation got pretty graphic as she explained her sexual fantasies after asking me not to judge her. I find it funny that so often what a woman ends up revealing is pretty mundane, but hot nonetheless. Maybe it is that I am so open-minded very little can really shock me., but I think someone would have to be pretty strait-laced to find what this woman revealed to me to be very shocking.
Sleep has been very good. I often will spend long periods of time at night either awake or sleeping fitfully. That has not been the case with EmperorQ.
I am feeling pretty steady wth EmperorQ. I often have struggled with anxiety but this seems to take much of that edge off.
I am finding myself to have little motivation at work and am too easily distracted. This is too much the rule rather than the exception, but EmperorQ hasn’t seemed to have made a dent in that at this point.
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Before I was running Emperor Q, I had been running Spartan for about 4 months, Primal for 4 months which had shifted to Primal Seduction only a week before starting EmperorQ. I kind of shoved everything else aside to run EmperorQ solo, but once this trial ends I am sure I want to go back to running a version of Emperor with Spartan and Primal Seduction, just because I feel like I was having a good run with those and they address areas that are crucial to me right now (physical health, well-being and development and relationships and sexuality) and also relate to the development of powerful masculinity, which I want to cultivate to the maximum in myself.
I am enjoyng my run on EmperorQ, but I am also really chomping at the bit with the desire to get those other two titles back into the mix.
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Not sure what to say. Awakened at about 2:30 am sort of pissed off. Tired of people and things and responsibilities. Had to work until about 8 pm last night doing nothing that furthers any goals I have, but cannot at this point discern any other prospects that fit my skillset.
I have no allies.
Relentlessly running EmperorQ. Approximately 19 hours yesterday.
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Just feeling drained of all energy today and kind of sick, and really, it was not a challenging day at all. I have a work related event I must participate in tonight. I think having to do that on a Friday night puts me in a funk. Not sure how EMPQ might figure in any of it.
Listened during sleep, woke up for a couple of hours, no dreams remembered. Listened in Ultrasonic all day in office.
Went to a special event for work and kept thinking about how much I generally dislike people and how that makes life difficult.
Today, being Saturday, I stayed up really late interacting with my online crush and she wanted to talk a lot about her sexual fantasies and even played out a very hot pornographic performance for me via cam that she seemed enthusiastic and even a bit desperate to do. It felt like it was her way of expressing that she was all in, and trusted me.
I responded by being completely non-judgemental about her fantasies, which to me were not shocking at all, despite her concern I might be judgemental, and supportive and loving about her sexual expressiveness. I said to her that with me she was completely safe and loved. It seemed like she really needed to hear that from me and I meant it sincerely, but can I fully live up to it, considering the circumstances?
It was all very enjoyable, but underscored how empty a relationship can feel without the physical being an aspect of it.
Other than this somewhat ambiguous and not completely bright spot, my life and the path toward the future feels barren.
I feel like the Subs I have been using, including EmperorQ have been opening up some channels for patience and more detailed attention.
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After initial strong dream response to shifting to EmpQ, I feel like it has dropped off in combination with quality of sleep In the last few days.
The clocks shifted in the U.S. meaning I am getting up an hour earlier today and feel completely unrested. Sleep was poor. I’ve come down with a serious cold and stayed in the entire weekend.
Not sure what effect EmperorQ is having on this but I had plenty of listening time this weekend. Only left the house for about 20 minutes Sunday, so got nearly 24 total hours of listening in on Sunday.
I had gotten really good about exercising under Spartan. Not sure how that might shift with Emperor, but for the last week, feeling a bit sick, my motivation and endurance has flagged.
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Got through my workout. Interacted too long with my on-line crush. I mean what is the point if you are so far away. Brings a good feeling in the moment, though. I find I am much better with women with the buffer of internet and space than I am with women directly in front of me. It is also strange to me that an attractive woman can put so much energy into an online relationship, I mean there has to be something she gets out of it, too, and it feels to me that she is more all in than I am.
Emperor seems to be having an effect on all this but it is hard to quantify.
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I have been feeling such a deep and ongoing sense of loss related to my lack of pursuing what I most want, especially sexually and creatively. I have downplayed this to over-emphasize money and financial security. Obviously important, but not to the detriment of the things that are the point of life, and that, with our involvement with them, bring meaning and satisfaction.
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Everybody freaking out over Coronavirus. My work is starting three weeks of working from home with reduced operations. Feeling unsettled. Worried about what health effects this may have on me. Trying to see how Emperor might figure in.
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The Coronavirus situation seems like some sort of nightmare. No cases where I am yet, but it’s like the lull before the storm.
I am trying to forge my indefatigable, resilient self in the face of this.
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I can totally relate to this, as seemingly intelligent people are acting like its the end of the world.
Of course all forms of media are showing their true nature, as they continue to exploit the situation and increase the panic.
I just wish they didnt shut down the NHL as my team was doing so good this season.
Stay strong buddy, EmperorQ is sure to keep us in the correct mindset to conquer any adversity.
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It seems like pretty much everything that doesn’t count as some sort of essential service is going to be shutting down.
I guess we are in uncharted territory. Still in a lull before a possible storm where I am. I guess the virus will show its hand soon enough.
This will be an opportunity to find resiliance and self-reliance.
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I am on a short trip from Friday evening to Monday morning and I will not run EmperorQ at all during that time.
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This Coronavirus situation is throwing a pall over everything.
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