Black ginseng, C3G, Cognance and intermitted fasting. Feeling great, feeling powerful.
Goal is to lose weight. To kick butt at work.
Gotta watch out with the BG, it increases libido. Need to make sure to circulate and transmute or I’ll be a broken record. Something I don’t want to be (PMO)
Anyway, this second cycle finishes today and I’ll write down some stuff I’ve managed to capture. Advancements or achievements or realisations or manifestations.
Some stuff:
I’m now a scrum master for small project, learning as I go. Working on a certificate as well.
Bigger drive and motivation, I work in two projects at the same time, as well as working on developing new competencies in the side. I feel like I can work endlessly and always have things to work on. I can’t wait to get back to work. I have other priorities that need care, and struggle a bit with allocating time for other important things in life like family.
I want to get more experience in leadership and leadership opportunities, and such opportunity revealed itself as I said in the first point. Taking more responsibility. I also believe leadership is where the greater impact is and big pay is in.
I struggled a bit at the beginning with goals, clear, SMART goals but gotten better clarity last week. I oscillate between solid vision to shaky. I think it’s alot to do with inner issues I have and recon. But each iteration of dealing with these issues I see better and know better, and make better decisions.
Productivity is up, but since I’m engaged in multiple projects, I have multiple meetings daily. It’s part of the job, but I struggle a bit with how mindless some of these meetings are. Getting everyone on the same page it’s important. But when it just becomes a mindless meeting habit, I question its value at times. It’s also taking an hour or two of my work time for impactful tasks. And most of the time half the team is missing. This dude literally skipped the meeting because he was going to have breakfast. Like what? How is that accepted? This is what I’m saying with you need to check the standard, some of the people are just coping bro. The copers made the standards. And if you let yourself accept that because let’s face it, humans love rationalising and saving energy (see lazy), it’s going to be a challenge only you can hold yourself accountable to higher standards.
Success and wealth ceilings or glass walls, shattered daily. All these hot recruiters, and dudes with high paying jobs skipping a meeting because of breakfast. Disillusioned. I think because I thought these people were geniuses, ambitious and of higher calibre I must have come across as super insecure and desperate in job interviews. Like a glass wall between us. But now I see, I just need to relax bro. Most people are coping. I’m coping too, but I’m better. Lol I’m watching Star Trek, they are watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 
Every person I meet I try to learn something from. I usually am so self-absorbed. But it’s in my best interest to learn from others because I can’t live a thousand lives and everyone has valuable life experiences to educate you with.
I got hooked up with the most experienced dude ever in a team. This dude has been crushing it for 20 years and for some unlucky reason was out of a project for 1 month when I started and got assigned to my internal project. He’s already on the way out again, sadly, being so in demand. Lucky me, he came, he cleaned up the mess of a project, held workshops for us noobs, took me in as he saw that I actually immediately implemented his advice and I learned so much. Mentor manifestation.
Reading my last journal entries I know I’ve gained confidence, perhaps even getting cocky.
People coming up to me for coding advice, looking for me to lead. Even though I struggled with a bit imposter syndrome. Still shows my vibe is saying something else.
Never done unit testing, mocking, scrum, git branches, pull requests and whole lot of other things, but I learned quick and the experienced guy noticed and thought I just had to refresh my memory, but actually I just didn’t know these things before lol I’m actually code reviewing others unit tests now. I’m also scrum master and project owner is checking my input on how we should improve the project methodology. It’s weird.
Learned that testing subs out, journaling and reflecting, as well as be hyper aware of changes is only way to really know what a sub does for you. Reading others journey is valuable, but can also be misleading. Emperor is not anti-social. It’s focused. Not rude. Selective. If you’re rude or anti social it’s on you.
At the beginning of this journey I realised I have alot of suppressed anger in relation to feeling powerless. Running a sub with scripting around resilience and personal power you gotta face that anger, let it out in an healthy manner. Or you can switch subs and deal with it later. It’s really your choice, your life, do you. I refuse to be a broken record. Now it’s better for me because I face it all. Total responsibility, total ownership.
Lewd looks from girls. It’s impossible to be this focused and ambitious without attention from ladies. Just a limiting belief. This chick at work keeps staring and smiling, every time we walk past escorte eachother. The problem is I don’t notice these things as much anymore, because I’m thinking of my goals and actions all day, but when I occasionally look around I see girls staring. I had this coffee with another recruiter lady and I swear I saw 5 girls were staring curiously as if they were jealous (snooping). It sounds insane, I’m probably just delusional.
Main point is, I’m disillusioned and I don’t crave the female attention as much as I used to. I had a moment here or there, feeling intoxicated by it and thinking of running WB, but nope. I’m in a LTR btw, as a disclosure, but I still used to crave validation. Now I don’t care as much, I have more important things to do, like my goals. I’ve journaled about it in my offline journal, this is just TL;DR.
I got an assignment 
Unrelated event: This random dude came up to me, said we haven’t met and introduced himself. I was like ok , but I need to work. Turned out we have alot in common and I have alot of value to offer, seeing that his current customer uses a platform I was one of the developers on. Anyway, potential business in the future. Dude was a baller. I had to exit because I actually had a meeting coming up.
I don’t feel anti social at all. I’m killing it in corporate setting with Emperor.
Recon is a unpleasant.
It makes you feel intense gratitude when you realise how easy things can take a whole different direction.
In self-development, first you have to be ready, to even take in the potential and possibility, to take that journey.
Then you have to have the courage to accept yourself and really unrelentingly see where you are and where you want to be, concrete and not live in fantasy land. Then when you go on the journey you will face alot of blockages, fears, delusions, stress, anxiety, self-sabotage, failing, pain, suffering, and more. And you gotta deal with it.
Example from my life:
Fantasy land: I’m just going to be myself, all the time. I’ve always loved everything and want to do everything.
Reality: You’re coping bro. This sounds exactly like how children talk. You just can’t commit, don’t want to take responsibility, want to walk around being carefree like a child because you have hit a point you can’t cope with. You coping. Fomo and probably alot of recon. Wake up.
Set some concrete goals. Face your issues, why can’t you commit? What are you FOMO? What is it exactly about being yourself you want more of and lack? What exactly will you to get there?
“This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.” - Fight Club
It’s crazy how easy it is to self-sabotage. I pray everyday I can be hyper aware of my flaws and low level thinking. I’m not a believer, but it just feels like an immense challenge to personal development, and I need every help I can get.
I’m dealing with recon. I’m changing the name of that which we call washout to Recon Shower, to better reflect my experience lol
I’m having intense regret and doubts of a pull request I did on Friday. Like, it was the best coding solution I could come up with. But in my mind I’m thinking a great engineer wouldn’t do it and would just say to the customer, this is not worth it or requires a solution that will take 10x time. I feel like it might have added bad complexity. I fear, or rather my imposter syndrome fears I’ll be found out for the fraud I am.
Fear.
I guess I just fear the feedback, and have a hint of perfectionism, or rather all or nothing thinking. Which is unreasonable to have if you want to improve. This is an important challenge.
🫡
Damn Star Trek is too op (original version).
The episode about Pike and Talosians is too deep.
All this content consumerism. Are we doomed like the Talosians?
Are you dreaming, or are you living?
Are you sure? 
The unknown… a very interesting and scary phenomenon.
Only got my courage and sensory facilities to go on while going in this new project. The mind can’t be trusted. It assumes too much. Too riddled with fear and assumptions. I need to be alert and take everything in with a fresh mind.
Wow
If you see this picture and want to PMO, you’ve missed the point. If instead you feel the urge to strive and crush it, you’re on course.
Third cycle started today, woop woop.
Accidentally listened to Emp for 5 min instead of 3. Didn’t feel any more intense recon but it might come later. I’m planning to listen to 3 min each this cycle and then add a minute each cycle in the upcoming cycles.
Today was Emperor 05:00, IG: UPX 03:00.
Feeling good man. Got a new bed that I spent like 5 hours building. Sleep is getting so much better.
I met with some cool dudes at work and they got me thinking of working out during lunch. What a great idea! We’ll see how it is in practice.
Level 1 - No action hamster (coping)
Level 2 - Action hamster (coping action)
Level 3 - Action + Intent (GOD)
Another example from the world of software engineering.
I as a a chubby guy want to stand on the scale in 3 months and it will say 85 kg, because I want to look more fit and sexy.
I as a new dev in the team want to have 3 high quality pull requests approved this sprint, so I get a momentum going, build confidence and pull my weight in the project. I also want a team member vocally say “wow, you’re legit”
I as a tired guy should be in bed by 10 and wake up at 6 AM for 21 days, because I want to get a consistent sleep routine and build a good sleep habit. I want to feel ready for the day every morning, and miss my bed when I’m close to 10.
I as a personal development Chad want to drink 2 L of water daily for 21 days because I’m dehydrated and want to make sure I am not held back by dehydration. I am also superficial and like the colour of my toilet visits to be clear.
(Don’t know if I’m doing it right, just learned the concept of User Stories)
Gilgachad, lol.
The self help trap
Step 0 - most people:
Asleep
Step 1 - most people into personal-development:
Habitual snoozer
People wake up a bit. find self-help, the game, concepts around social conditioning and limiting beliefs and more. But they are still institutionalised. They are putting themselves back where they are comfortable thinking they are free. A broken record. Don’t really want success. Just a little. Back and forth. Don’t really want to let go. Going around in a circle. Broken record.
Step 2 - TBD
TBD
(BADASS IMAGE)
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Step n - ???
???
(???)
Day 4 of cycle 3.
I’m struggling confidence wise, don’t know what to expect at work. Demons from the past.
We got this. We going to work through it.
I guess it’s time to look for guidance and validation from within. Trust my instincts and live up to my values.
Perhaps this anxiety is from being on a new level. Like jumping into a cold lake, it’s outside the comfort zone and it takes a while to get used to. 
It’s not necessarily me doing anything wrong.
Lifting weights is not comfortable. Training to go from couch to 10k is not comfortable. You literally have to go against your biology… you have to exert energy and effort without a real reason in the reptile brain sense. In the evolutionary biology sense.
Of course it’s going to get uncomfortable. Your whole being is fighting against you. Because homeostasis is real. You have to fight through it.
You’re also forced to shed the fat, the bs. Because on that new level the old habits, behaviours and thought patterns will just weigh you down. Let them go and take off!
I did my first PR. I feel good now. I did contribute something.
Highly interesting topic; saved to remind myself to read again later:
