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Feeling a little bit discouraged at the moment. I just read the description of stage two again, and I certainly don’t feel like I’m dripping in sexuality and power at the moment. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling, but at the moment I’m just kind of existing.
It may well be doing something and just be less noticeable than stage one and DR were because it’s instilling new beliefs rather than rooting out negative ones.
I’m coming toward the end of the last active week of the cycle though, and that seems to be when the recon hits so maybe this is just that.
I have to say though that this recon is just mildly depressing rather than seriously distressing like it was on st 1, so there’s that. I think maybe that’s because I still don’t quite feel up to being the man who Khan is telling me I can be and should be.
Ditto for the Wanted component. I don’t feel any more attractive than I did before and I’ve not seen any indication that women find me so. Of course, I see very few of them in the course of most days, so it may just be that.
I remind myself that this is long game and I’m only a third of the way through the planned run. And it’s the foundation laying stages at that.
I’ve got one more cycle of stage two and then three is supposed to be where the rubber really starts to meet the road, so maybe the shifts in belief about myself will become more obvious only when I’ve been goaded to take more action and the manifestation tech is going full bore. -
I am taking action too. I’ve been going to one event a week where something could happen. That’s important in and of itself even without results. It gets me used to getting out there and doing it. Opening up the channels that will allow those situations to manifest and getting more comfortable in those situations.
I’m also reaching out on dating apps on a regular basis. No results yet, but I am initiating contact on a regular basis. Yeah, it’s online, but I’m really being more proactive than I ever have been already.
I guess that this is looking more up than I thought.
- I felt a bit better after writing my entry last night. I realized that I AM seeing results from both stage two and Wanted. They’re just not the end results that you read about in the sales copy. That is always exciting. Of course, it’s marketing. And it’s not a false promise, but what I forget (yes, even me, Mr. Long Term Plans) is that what they’re describing there is the result of running the sub for a long time and doing the work to help it along for a long time. It’s not the day after you start running it. It may not even be the month or even year after you start running it.
What I’m seeing now are the intermediate results. I’m taking the endless steps between where I was and where I want to be.
I just read a post from @gdbdboy on the discussion thread for the new Libertine. I remember reading his stuff quite a while back where he was approaching women by the truckload and not getting anywhere, but according to the post I just read, he’s getting the errr…. end results now. That is very encouraging.
Any deep change in oneself takes a considerable amount of time and effort. I’m glad I remembered that.
I also remember how much better off my internal world was after a year on DR, and how rough the journey seemed in the interminable middle.
Khan is even harder in a way in that I’m primarily looking for external results that require the outside world to cooperate with me. That takes effort on my part.
And I’m glad to know that:
Ah, gotcha. Well, this is a tough one to run. It’s meant to be.
Amen that that!
- I love my kid. Unfortunately, I also hate parenthood. If that makes me sound like a horrible person, I don’t give a rip anymore. I’m doing the absolute best I can no matter how I feel about it, and that’s enough.
Lately I’ve been thinking about why, and I think that I have an answer.
When I was a kid I was diagnosed with ADD. Yeah, me and half the boys in my generation, but looking back, I actually had it. I’m a lot better now, but I still have a few aspects of it. One being sensory overload.
He is so noisy and all over the place that he causes it just about the entire time he’s awake and around me. And I have no choice but to spend the entire time fighting through it.
Unpleasant.
**2/6/23 STAGE 2 CYCLE 3 WEEK 4**
**WASHOUT WEEK #7**
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It’s kind of hard to believe I’m almost done with stage two.
It’s still hard to tell what exactly is changing on this stage. Possibly the result of having been on alpha programs for a couple of years straight beforehand. I know that Ascension, Emperor, and Khan are somewhat different, but it stands to reason that they have some basic stuff in common. If I’ve already internalized a good dose of that, then I might not notice a super obvious difference right away.
The few things that I have noticed. -
I’ve been getting calmer throughout the stage. Stage one really stirred things up, but that’s been gradually subsiding.
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I’m more comfortable in public spaces. Im not necessarily engaging that much more, but I don’t feel as uncomfortable as I did before.
I don’t think Khan is going to really give me a celebrity vibe. That may just be too much of a stretch from how I normally am. Because I was picked on so much as a kid, and ridiculed by adults my first instinct when in public was always to HIDE. Don’t be seen and get out of there if at all possible.
That has passed. I can walk into just about any room and feel pretty chill now. All I need to work on is getting into conversations when I want to. -
I’m reaching out to women online. No real success yet, but as with anything, you have to try a bit before you succeed.
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My eating habits changed for the better this week. Like a few other things while I’ve been running subs, it was like a switch flipped all of a sudden.
This is probably from Wanted. A few weeks ago it made it so I couldn’t ignore the fact that I’m fat and that that is making me considerably less attractive than I otherwise would be. Now I know that working out on its own isn’t going to get me where I want to be, so I’m doing something about it.
- Today sucked. I was playing around with a tax calculator thing, and unless I’m wrong about something, I’m going to owe a pretty huge amount of money despite having the maximum amount withheld from my paychecks. I have no idea how this can happen. Hope the professionals can sort it out so I don’t.
After that stress, the wife’s car broke down and I had to rescue her. It broke in such a way that I’m sure its going to cost a LOT to fix.
- I am very grateful for the wife’s parents. Her car problem turned out to be VERY expensive. Somehow a hole appeared in the rear differential. I have no fucking clue how that could possibly happen, but there it is. It looked like something came up off the road REALLY HARD and penetrated the casing.
But it’s paid for.
I could be imagining it so forgive me but it sounds like a lot of things go wrong, aren’t accounted for or break down in your life that costs you money. It sounds like you have a lot of negative manifestations regarding wealth. What do you think about it?
Yes, I do. The odd thing is that more often than not when I get these streaks of bad luck I get some good manifestation that mitigates or completely eliminates the damage.
Often the negative manifestation is the culmination of a problem that I’ve been ignoring, or something that I did wrong in the past coming to a head. Often that seems to come paired with an out of the blue event.
They often happen when I’m on the verge of something very good happening as well.
At the moment, I know I’m going to get a very significant raise in the next six weeks or so. Significant enough that it will make us a lot more comfortable. It’s just a matter of hanging on until then.
- I’m coming to the end of this washout week and heading for the last cycle of Stage two. That means that I need to start thinking about stage three.
Damn, I’ve been on this thing almost six months and I’ve got a year to go at the end of this month.
I think I’m going to leave everything the same except for switching out the Khan stage this time.
Wanted is doing something, it’s just a bit slow about it with everything else I’ve got going on and the minimal contact I’m having with girls these days. I’ll give it more time to do it’s thing. Probably for the rest of the run. Once again reminding myself not to expect overnight miraculous results.
- This was a very smooth washout week. I’m not feeling super stressed even though stressful things are happening. I’m feeling good because that raise is pending. I’m very calm relative to how I’ve felt on previous washouts on this program.
If anything negative, I feel a bit unambiguous and “blah” about life, but if everything works as intended, that’ll change big time on stage three.
I have faith that stage two is doing it’s thing, but it seems to me that it’s having more of a behind the scenes effect in my case. As in I still couldn’t tell you exactly what it’s doing, and it likely wont become clear until the call to action that is stage three. I’m looking forward to that, but definitely willing to wait another month to make sure that the foundation is nice and solid.
Three should be really interesting. It should push me to make a habit of things that I shied away from like a motherfucker before.
**2/13/23 STAGE 2 CYCLE 4 WEEK 1**
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I ended my washout last night. As I said, very smooth washout week. I don’t feel on top of the world, but I’m feeling better than I have in a while. And in a solid, secure way, not pie in the sky euphoric way.
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With the raise I’m about to get, it might be time to give RICH Elite a rest for a bit. That leaves me wondering what to use as a second program.
Libertine might help me with Stage three. I might do the Manifestation Monster custom I’ve been thinking about, or I might go back to Spartan to get my fitness under control. Input is welcome.
I’ve been thinking more about this, and it’s deeper than that. I’ve had a number of things go wrong, but most of them weren’t actually negative manifestations.
Let’s take one incident that happened either slightly before or slightly after I started this program.
Our hot water tank gave out. It cost six grand to get replaced. Bad thing, right?
Not really. Those tanks have a ten year life expectancy, and that one had lasted twelve.
It happened to go just as my wife got her disability back pay, so we were able to cover it.
It was going to happen in the near future anyway, but if it happened sooner, or much later it would have caused us a much bigger issue.
There have been a number of things like that.
- If you’ve read any of my previous journals, you’ve heard me complain about how my wife was treating me. It used to be really bad. She was hypercritical, mean, and downright verbally (and once or twice physically) abusive.
It was a Jeckyl and Hyde kind of thing. If she was in a good mood, everything was good, but when her mood flipped, and that could happen at any time, it was very bad, and all of it was aimed at me.
I could do no right in her eyes. Some fault would be found, and no matter how small it was or wether it was really a fault, it was the worst thing in the world and illustrated some deep unchangeable character flaw I had, or that I really didn’t care about her or our kid. More or less, that whatever little thing had upset her meant that I was a bad person, or mentally inferior.
She once called me “cruel and arrogant” because I put a blanket on the bed with the stitches facing the wrong way.
We’re talking things like putting the spices back out of alphabetical order after I cooked. She would find SOMETHING, and that would be the worst thing in the world for the next fifteen minutes to an hour while she berated me.
I often said that when I de alphabetized the spice rack, you’d think that I’d spent our son’s college fund on prostitutes and blow.
That’s an exaggeration, but not a huge one.
Later we figured out that this was a result of her disease. People who have MS frequently have personality changes and anger issues. Once her care team got her on the right meds, things got a lot better.
She later told me that often she was directing pent up frustration at me because she couldn’t really control it and didn’t want to unleash it on our son or roommate. She actually said that she does it to me because “I can take it”.
I kind of understand that, but the long and short of it is that I’ve played the role of someone’s emotional punching bag since I was born, and I’m just not willing to anymore.
The reason I’m ranting is that over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that the behavior is starting to creep back in.
I’m reacting differently though. But not how I expected. In the past I’ve always tried to maintain control and composure. I figured that Khan would make me more controlled and less reactive. Now though, I’m angrily snapping back as soon as she starts to criticize unfairly (unfairly in my eyes). Or keep grinding it in after pointing out a real mistake.
I’ve even sworn at her a couple of times.
**2/20/23 STAGE 2 CYCLE 4 WEEK 2**
- I’m feeling kind of passive and stuck right now. It seems to me that while I have made some internal changes to my thinking and such, my external life hasn’t budged while on this program.
I know that that is not that bad of a sign since stages one and two are more about inner game, but I feel a bit discouraged nonetheless. I guess it could be what I like to call “middle of the journey syndrome”. Where I was expecting fireworks to really start and they haven’t, I feel a bit disappointed as life just kind of drags on like it has been. It’s what happens sometimes when high hopes meet the grind.
Hopefully stage two has done enough under the surface and stage three will kick me out of this.
- I keep forgetting to mention this for some reason. The IPod I ran my subs on stopped working right, so I’ve been running everything on my phone. It’s a pain in the ass because I can’t do anything else, and anything that comes through interrupts the playback.
I’d been running stage two solo for the last couple of weeks. I just added in Minds eye as my second program. We’ll see if this helps with the manifestation aspect of things.
Try the rocket player
You can play music in the background
I’ve thought of that, but I don’t know what that would do to the subliminal portion of the audio.