- I didn’t get the job. That’s ok, as I said, I wanted to get it if it was the right thing or not if it isn’t.
I think that I’ll get really serious about breaking out of this professional stagnation sometime after the first of the year. I’m still working of a job seeker custom for when I decide that that time has come.
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-
I’ve noticed something. I might have mentioned this before, but it was especially pronounced tonight.
When I look in the mirror I think I look pretty damned good. Handsome and kind of badass. However when I see a photo of myself I think that I look like the biggest dufus to ever doof.
I don’t know if that’s what everyone else sees or not. Has anyone else had a similar effect? -
We went to an Italian buffet place for the wife’s birthday. I didn’t notice any social effects, actually felt kind of invisible. It may have been the environment though. It was busy and crowded. That puts me a bit on edge because of I guess mild PTSD from working corrections. (I hate crowds especially if there are people behind me) plus I think it was one of those kinds of places where people just don’t acknowledge each other’s existence.
I also ate more than I usually do in a week. It’s a GOOD all you can eat place.
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I was reading about this the other day. It’s got something to do with how the image in the mirror is how you see yourself inside.
Photos make it seem odd because it inverts the image backwards of how mirrors reflect. So you’re seeing yourself “backward” in photos
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That’s a really good sign. I really look good in the mirror, at least if you ask me.
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**11/28/22 STAGE 2 CYCLE 1 WEEK 2**
- Not a whole lot happening today. I’m not even being really introspective.
What I have noticed is a sense that everything will be ok as far as finances go even though I’m not sure how. That probably has something to do with RICH Elite.
We’re getting ready for the holidays here, and I’m relaxed enough to enjoy the process.
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-
Ok, I do notice something. My mind is a lot more, call it clear than it was on stage one.
Stage one brought back some of the distressing mental stuff that had happened all of my life before I spent a year on DR.
Instances of rage over memories, self doubt, some catastrophizing, formless stress and dread. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be, but it was there.
Now it isn’t. As far as I can tell it isn’t there at all.
I feel kind of peaceful actually while whatever is going on under the surface progresses. -
I hadn’t gotten to the gym for a few weeks because the thing with the wife’s eye surgery meant I had to do a lot of driving and other stuff during the day and got very little sleep as it was. I wasn’t going to sacrifice more of it.
On Monday I started BLS year one over again. I went yesterday and today. Good start. -
Apropos of nothing, I had a wardrobe malfunction at work tonight. The zipper on my pants broke. So far ive managed to hide it.
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- That was interesting. A girl who I had hooked up with occasionally over a few year period a while back just messaged me out of the blue and said she’d been thinking of me a lot.
Unfortunately she moved overseas so we’re not going to be doing anything in the immediate future, but it is a good sign.
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- I hit the gym every afternoon after waking up for all five days that I’m supposed to this week. Strong re start. While on paper I’m getting a lot less sleep than I should, especially while working out, I feel like I’m getting plenty.
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- I’ve been thinking about my life in the last few years. The only way I can describe it is that it’s shrunk. For the most part all I do is work, do housework, and do things with the wife kid and roommate.
It’s not that I mind doing any of these things, but we used to have a social group, be involved in things, and go out and do a variety of interesting stuff. I used to love riding my motorcycle, and I’ve let that go completely for the last few years for financial considerations.
Our social group has drifted apart. A couple of them died over the years, some moved away, and the rest just gradually stopped talking or hanging out on a regular basis.
That leaves me with a very small and frankly uninteresting world. There isn’t much wrong with it, but it isn’t much fun or very engaging.
That has to change if I’m going to fully express Khan.
I occasionally go to events for people into non traditional relationship stuff, but there’s a problem there. (I’m trying not to inject my personal politics here, but I can’t think of a way to cover this without making what I’m talking about pretty obvious) Those communities are dominated by members of, let’s call it the fringes of one of the political “tribes” that the country has divided itself into. They seem to expect everyone there to think, speak, and act according to the set of rules that that tribe has developed in the last few years.
I’m not a member of that tribe. I’m not it the other either, but I consider the rules and thinking they espouse to be downright ridiculous. It’s hard to keep my mouth shut. It wouldn’t go over real well if I didn’t.
That unfortunately is the one type of thing where I can expect to meet women who are ok with messing around with a married guy and I feel like the proverbial square peg trying to get into the round hole.
I need to make some connections with people for several different reasons. Not the least of which is having stuff to go out and do that gets me in contact with women.
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**12/5/22. STAGE 2 CYCLE 1 WEEK 3 **
- The last few days have sucked hardcore. I’m getting really harsh rage recon.
It’s focused on something I’ve got happening in my life, but that’s definitely not all there is to it.
I’m not sure if my subconscious doesn’t like stage two or Wanted or what, but this shit sucks hardcore.
Oh well, there is no growth without pain, so I embrace the suck and push on.
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Swinger parties are not the only place to find woman, plus you’re not just a married man, right? You’re in an open relationship if I read correctly.
That’s right. The problem is finding women who are ok with being with a married guy, aren’t cheating themselves, (I’ve decided that that’s a hard line) and are into something that is light and fun and going to stay that way. It’ll happen, it might just take some patience.
Swinger parties aren’t really what I’m talking about there.
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How about taking 5 days of rest?
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That’s next week. Staying on schedule.
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Sorry, I should have asked what kind of party instead of assuming.
We’ve done that but the parties I go to solo are related but less extreme. If you’re asking what I was complaining about.
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What about clubs/nightclubs?
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I hate them.
First off, I’m above the age group that goes to them. Second I worked in a prison for ten years. Crowds bother me badly, especially if I can’t keep my back to a wall.
Oh man, that sucks.
I live in a capital city where there are clubs where 40+ ages people go to, clubs where 18+ go to and clubs that are mixed. But then again, crowds might still be an issue.
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It completely removes any enjoyment, and it’s really hard to make an interaction go your way if you keep scanning the room for trouble while you’re talking to someone. Ask my wife about that, and she’s used to it.
Quieter bars might be a better bet.