Today is day 5 of DR ST1 ~
Yesterday was my rest day. I had this feeling of being above everyone and high off life all day. Like I was on top of my game. I didn’t feel any recon until about 8:00 pm.
A surge of anger came over me while listening to a recording by my mentor where he said, “explore where you’re finished with what doesn’t matter.”
I started to feel sad and began to cry, with all kinds of shitty thoughts appearing related to my self concept over the years.
I was able to shift quickly by going outside and stretching under a tree. Lots of deep breathing and revising what just happened.
Today was listening day. I felt recon almost immediately upon waking. I don’t really remember the details of my dreams and felt anxious when I woke up. I thought maybe I am being brainwashed and this stuff is just creating a state of regression for me or another distraction instead of lasering in on my goals.
I received some shitty texts from my dad, which all showed me reminders of what to heal inside of me.
I grew up not wanting to become like my mother because what people thought of her. That she was mental and not a good mom. That she made some poor choices and stayed stuck in low vibration. She was “sick” and stuck in the state of di-sease.
I’ve always cared what people thought about me. I wanted approval and acceptance from others because I didn’t feel approval or acceptance from my own parents, more specifically my dad.
Deep down inside I have felt like a mental case or a shitty mom.
I went to college, majoring in psychology around human behaviour and personality disorders. I felt like I was becoming what I was studying. I would find any relation or connection in myself from the studying or the people and things around me. I notice where this still shows up even more now for me since these subs.
I felt like the person who wasn’t trustworthy and didn’t follow through on what they said they would do. (Unconsciously) I no longer want to hold those beliefs over myself.
I am so glad this stuff is showing up to release for good.
The sadness has subsided and I became eager to journal my thoughts, which is progress for me!
What’s on the other side of all of this? I am excited to see where I go with this journey.