Clearer with every drop

[CurlyGirl]

Water is life.
Without water, we die within a short period of time.

But before that happens, the feeling of thirst sets in after just a few hours. The body signals that it needs water.

After one day, we begin to experience headaches, among other things. Our concentration decreases, and increased fatigue sets in.

After 2–3 days, kidney function begins to decline. Body temperature rises, blood pressure may drop, and confusion, dizziness, and hallucinations can occur.

After 3–5 days, organ failure becomes a real threat.
Blood circulation becomes critically impaired.
Without medical help, death may follow.

Why am I writing all this?

As I mentioned in the first sentence: water is life. It is essential if you want to stay healthy and truly live.

That’s why I decided to listen to Water by HERO – THE LIGHT THAT BLINDS.
It’s the beginning of a life-changing story – my story.

In this journal, I will write down every experience I have with Water.
Every single one – no matter how pleasant or unpleasant.

---

Right now, I’m in the washout, and still I want to share what I’ve already experienced through listening to Water.

An emotional rollercoaster, a carousel of thoughts, and learning tolerance for people who are not (yet) ready to change.

In recent times – actually, for the past two years – I was completely at rock bottom. I drank every day just to bring some silence into my head. The voices were too loud, and my mind was too weak to listen to them.

Numbing myself seemed like the only way.
Not realizing that I was poisoning myself more and more – physically and emotionally.

My environment and the circumstances that came with it didn’t help either.

All I felt was stress energy, demands, manipulation, and toxic behavior. Whether it was done knowingly or not doesn’t matter – what matters is that it affected me deeply. And still does, at times.

But what I can say is this:
I’m learning, more and more, not to put up with everything. Even if it makes others uncomfortable – because I trigger them – it’s a milestone of self-realization for me:

People manipulate other people partly because they’re afraid of ending up alone.
Unaware that this behavior will sooner or later create a great distance.

And I don’t just mean physical distance – I mean emotional and spiritual distance.
True connection happens without manipulation. Everything else is just feeding fears –
your own, and those of the other person.

That’s how we were “taught.”
I try not to hide this from others, yet I ask myself:
What will this mean for humanity in the future?

I’m searching for answers. Primarily for myself.
Because I am the most important person in my life.

And that’s why Water is a sub that can bring me closer to my answers.

Like in one of my favorite anime, Detective Conan:
Step by step, Conan uncovers who the murderer is.
And in the end, everyone learns the motive.

That’s how I think it will be, too –
if I want to find out who I am, what drives me, and what meaning I want to give this life – my life.

Together with Love Bomb, I’ll enter a world I’ve never known before:
mystical, poetic, joyful, passionate –
and filled with many more beautiful adjectives.

I’m curious to see what else is waiting for me.

[CurlyGirl]

If someone had to describe me, “she’s always tired” would be right at the top of the list.

I’ve been tired for as long as I can remember. I think I was born tired .

But honestly, it doesn’t surprise me. Society makes sure yawning has become one of my favorite sports.

All I see are people rushing through life. Rushing to buy groceries, rushing to visit someone, rushing to fuck, rushing to grab a drink.

Everything has to happen fast. There’s no space for calm, rest, or relaxation.

And when you dare to slow down, someone is always ready to “inject” you with stress. It’s so exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting: it’s not just society that makes me sluggish — my low blood pressure is doing a stellar job too.

It was partly born from a lack of purpose in life, the constant chewing on my past, and the energies of others that I sometimes feel more, sometimes less.

It’s often too much — for me, and for the little girl inside me.

How beautiful it would be to wake up in the morning with energy instead of heart palpitations.

But everything takes time, and that’s okay. I’m okay. No — actually, I’m more than okay.
I am valuable — no matter what I’m going through, experiencing, or living.

As I wrote this, a voice inside me nodded along happily.
Accompanied by a soft, pleasant shiver. Yay — I am valuable, and finally, a voice within me believes it too.

I’m going to really feel this feeling now. Let it wash all over me.
How lovely — a new kind of bath additive at last. That’s good, because hopelessness is almost empty.

[CurlyGirl]

My skin is peeling.
Especially on the palms of my hands. And on my index fingers.

At first, I thought it was just dryness. Maybe friction.
But the longer I observe it, the more I feel:
There’s something more going on.

Hands – they are tools. Points of contact.
They give, they receive.
They hold on to what we’re not ready to release.
And they let go when we finally are.

That it’s happening here feels like a sign.
A quiet message from my body:
You don’t need this layer anymore.

I recognize myself in this process.
I notice how I’m setting more boundaries.
How I no longer make myself small,
no longer try to please everyone,
no longer endure everything
just to avoid being uncomfortable.

I stand up – against manipulation, against toxic behavior,
against the things that used to silence me.
It wasn’t easy.
And often, it still isn’t.
But it’s changing something inside me.
Something is becoming new.
Something wants out.
Something is shedding a skin
that no longer fits.

Especially the index fingers – the ones we use to say this way.
Even here, the old layer is peeling.
Maybe because my inner compass is shifting.
Because I’m finding my direction,
not someone else’s.

I think I’m growing.
Not loudly. Not visibly.
But truthfully.

And my body is showing me.
Quietly.
Through peeling skin.
As if it’s saying:
You’re shedding.
Because you’re finally becoming who you are.

[CurlyGirl]

listening times

3:33 LB
3:33 Water
Friday 25.07.25

Synchronicity (Synchronicities)

C. G. Jung described synchronicities as coincidences of two or more events that are not causally connected, yet are experienced as significantly related on a subjective level.

Example: You’re thinking intensely about someone – and at that exact moment, they call you. There’s no causal connection, but it feels personally meaningful to you.

In neuroscience, synchronicities are often dismissed as random chance or seen as a form of cognitive bias.

In spirituality, however, they are seen as signs of things like:

universal guidance

soul path or destiny

consciousness connection

Typical examples include:

Repeatedly seeing the same number sequence (e.g. 11:11)

Meeting people who help you at just the right moment

Dreams or intuitions that later manifest in reality

Personally, I strongly believe in the spiritual explanation.
Number patterns, people, or events tend to show up in my life right when I feel completely lost.

And this has happened to me so many times throughout my life.

Right now, manipulation is a major theme in my life.
I’m becoming more and more aware of how people – consciously or unconsciously – are trying to manipulate me.

Currently, I’m in the middle of a discussion that might lead to a refund or compensation.

Either way, I’ve been manipulated my whole life.
I’ve always had a sense that something or someone just wasn’t quite right – like there was something shady or off about them.

I just could never really put my finger on it.
But over time, I started to “see” more – to perceive things more clearly.

Now I’m beginning to stand up for myself more and more –
Much to the displeasure of those who benefited from my obliviousness.

They’re trying to paint me as a liar, someone who damages reputations – who knows what else.
Too bad I’ve always been the kind of person who keeps receipts – literally and metaphorically.

These unpleasant experiences also have a silver lining:
My calling, my passion – whatever you want to call it – is beginning to reveal itself.

I want to help people recognize manipulation and protect themselves from it.

I even briefly considered sending a thank-you letter to those who see me as “Miss Twist-the-Truth.”

Back to synchronicity.
Today, while I was waiting for @Parsifal so we could go grocery shopping, I thought listening to a bit of music might be nice to pass the time.

But for some reason, I clicked on the Audiobooks section on Spotify.
I was scrolling through when I landed on the topic of Dark Psychology.

“How to protect yourself from manipulation – and how you might even use it yourself.”

Using it myself? No, thanks.
But protecting myself – and others – from it? Absolutely, I thought.

So I listened to a snippet of the audiobook and then decided to order the physical book.
I prefer reading books to listening to audiobooks, especially when it comes to informational content.

Now I’ve decided: by the end of this year, I’m going to absorb as much knowledge as I can and reflect on my personal experiences.
So that, starting next year, I can use my social media to help protect people from manipulation tactics and techniques.

Later on, I came across a thread on Subclub about Free Will Scripting.
Trying to bypass someone’s free will is manipulation – or at least an attempt at it.

That thread only strengthened my resolve to guide others and help them recognize when and how they might be manipulated.

I know I’m stepping into risky territory here – because a lot of people don’t want others to be informed or educated about this kind of thing.

But I don’t care.
I’m on fire to help others in this area – no matter how hard it might get.

Wish me luck

[CurlyGirl]

Cognitive empathy

Cognitive empathy means understanding another person’s thoughts, feelings, and needs – without necessarily feeling them yourself. It’s the ability to think yourself into someone else’s perspective without truly stepping into their emotional world. On its own, this isn’t a bad thing. On the contrary: it can be something incredibly valuable in relationships, in coaching, and in communication.

But this exact ability can also be abused. When someone figures out how you work – what you need, what you long for, where your vulnerable spots are – and uses that knowledge to influence, steer, or control you, that’s manipulation through cognitive empathy. It often doesn’t feel like pressure or control. It feels like closeness. Like understanding. Like a warm hand on your shoulder – until one day, you realize it’s been pushing you in a direction you never wanted to go.

This kind of manipulation is often used by people with a high degree of narcissism, egocentrism, or a desire for power. These can be charismatic coaches, spiritual teachers, people in leadership positions, but also partners, friends, or even family members. They often appear empathetic, understanding, even loving – but in reality, they’re not interested in you, only in the role you play in their internal power game. And the more vulnerable you are, the easier it is to become their target.

For a long time, I didn’t understand why I felt so small, so wrong, so dependent in certain relationships or encounters – even though I truly believed there was real empathy involved. Today, I see something that has deeply shaken me: it wasn’t real empathy. It was cognitive empathy used as a tool. Not to help – but to control.

People in my life – both professionally and personally – seemed to know exactly how I tick. What I needed. What I was afraid of. Where my weak points were. And that’s exactly where they struck. With phrases like: “I see you,” “You’re special,” “No one understands you like I do.” Words that at first felt like warmth, but looking back now feel more like a web I got caught in.

To this day, I can hardly grasp how consciously some people treat others this way. That they use their ability to emotionally read someone in order to gain control. That they create closeness just to get something – money, admiration, power, or simply validation for their ego. It leaves me speechless. It makes me angry. And it makes me incredibly sad. I genuinely ask myself how anyone could do that – whether they’re missing something like a heart or a soul, or whether their ego simply drowns out any sense of compassion.

This realization hasn’t just shaken me – it has also shown me that I wasn’t “too sensitive” or “to blame” in so many situations. For years, I carried the blame – for decisions I made under influence, for feelings I couldn’t make sense of, for a sense of helplessness I always thought was my fault. Now I’m beginning to understand that I was manipulated. Consciously or unconsciously – but definitely not treated as an equal.

And as painful as this realization is – it’s also freeing. I’m beginning to see more clearly. I’m gradually taking back responsibility, but without the weight of guilt. I feel myself slowly returning to who I am. And I can feel how strong my desire has become to protect others from going through the same. People who, like me, once believed that someone “really saw them,” when in truth, that person had simply learned how to exploit their wounds.

[CurlyGirl]

listening times

9:28 EOG
1:11 Air
Sunday 27.07.25

Speechless

For the past few days, I’ve really noticed a shift in the way I speak. I often can’t find the right words – sometimes they’re just completely gone.
I’ve never made much effort to expand my language skills, but the fact that they seem to be getting worse now does surprise me .

At the same time, there’s a lot happening emotionally. I’m seeing more, feeling deeper, standing up for myself more.
It’s confusing.
And maybe… it’s confusing my speech organs too.

[CurlyGirl]

Control Freak

For the longest time – honestly, almost my whole life – I believed that needing control over things, people, or situations was simply a part of my personality.

But today I realized:
It’s not actually part of who I am.
It’s a defense mechanism.

A defense mechanism that formed after I was manipulated.
After I too often had the feeling of not knowing what was true anymore.
After my boundaries weren’t respected.
After I lost myself trying to please everyone.

I was often controlled – consciously or unconsciously.
And my body learned from that:
I have to keep everything under control. I mustn’t miss anything. I can’t afford to make mistakes. Otherwise, it’ll happen again.

So I began to control everything:
Myself. My thoughts. My emotions.
My behavior. My words. My reactions.
And – sometimes even other people.

Not because I was power-hungry.
But because I needed to feel safe.
Because my system never truly got the chance to learn:
I am safe. Even when I let go.

Recognizing this has freed something inside me –
but still, I don’t really know how to heal it.

I’ve tried many things,
but nothing has really stuck.

Maybe the methods I used weren’t right for me.
Or maybe it simply wasn’t the right time.

Awareness is the key to so much – including healing.
And I am deeply grateful for this insight.
But right now, it feels like I have no idea where (or how) to begin again.

[subliminalguy]

I can relate to that. Control became my way to feel like I might feel safe in life. It hasn’t truly helped though, as I pushed everyone and anyone away… mostly because some people know us better than we know ourselves. It’s caused a lot of pain. For everyone.

Almost a month ago I made a post asking which subs addressed our core needs (feeling safe, loved, secure, etc). Saint gave an honest reply.

He wrote Hero TLTB, but he shared the Earth stage makes him feel safe and secure in his body. I’ve not made that jump yet.

Because my main subs are DRLD, LB, and Emperor. DRLD is spotlighting my running away. LB is holding and healing me, and since I’m on washout, I’m feeling it. LB changes everything.

Fear of change still pops up regularly. But LB helps me tolerate it. It helps me be kinder to myself when I want to say “F*** this!!”

That’s what’s helping me currently. Those head games have steered my life. I’m stepping out of my rut.

Thank you for your honest shares. You have a lot of strength and courage.

[CurlyGirl]

listening times

11:00 LB
11:00 Water

Racing Heart, Rising Courage

Especially today, my heart is under constant stress – the racing is almost unbearable, the fear and panic louder and more present than they’ve been in a long time. And yes, I can feel this fear intensely, even though it feels different at the same time. This chaos inside me isn’t a sign of weakness, but of a brave new beginning. A sign that I’m no longer willing to stay silent. That I’m finally starting to truly and firmly stand up for myself.

And I feel it clearly: I don’t have the strength to take care of other people’s worries and problems right now. Not the expectations or conflicts in my own family, not the pressure from my fiancé’s family, not political debates or any of the noise coming from the outside world. I have no space for those things right now – and I don’t want to make space for them, either. Because this time, it’s really about me. About my boundaries, my healing, my survival.

It’s okay to put myself first – even if that means stepping back and no longer being available to fix everything for everyone. This racing heart, this panic, this fear – to me, they are signs of courage. Because courage doesn’t mean being without fear. It means acting anyway. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now.

Still, I know this heart racing and this inner unrest are not good for me. I’ll do everything I can to come back to my center. To find calm again – not for anyone else, but for myself. Because I’m worth it. And because my body and soul are calling more than ever for inner peace.

[CurlyGirl]

I am titanium – and I will not go under

I used to be so easily manipulated.
Constantly questioning myself.
A puppet in other people’s hands,
driven by fear, panic, inner stress.
No self-worth. No self-love.
Just trying to survive somehow.

And yes – sometimes I still fall back into that.
Not as loud. Not as visible.
But I feel it, when those old patterns start pulling at me.

The difference?
I don’t fall as deep anymore.
I don’t stay down for long.
And I don’t completely lose myself like I used to.

Because I’m no longer the person I once was.
I’ve learned to hold myself
even when no one else did.
I’ve learned to speak my truth
even when my voice was shaking.
I’ve learned to trust my own voice.

I am not made of glass.
I am not broken.

I’m made of something
that can’t be shattered that easily.

I am titanium.

You can fire your words at me,
but I won’t fall.
You can ignore me, laugh at me, try to silence me –
but I won’t disappear.

Because now I know who I am.
And that is my superpower.

I don’t just fight for myself anymore.
I fight for those
who are still too quiet to speak.
For those who’ve learned to make themselves small.
For those who are surviving on the inside
while the world keeps watching – and stays silent.

I’m not invincible.
But I am unstoppable.

And I promise myself:
No matter what comes –
I will not fall.
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anymore.

[Michel]

- YouTube

[CurlyGirl]

listening times

01.08.25
EOG 12min
AIR 8min

03.08.25
EOG 3min
AIR 3min

05.08.25
LB 4min
WATER 3:33min

The past few days, I’ve spent watching a series.
Just switching off for a bit. At least I’m trying to.

It’s always so loud in my head. One thought chasing the next.
Too many fears and worries about the future.
Still, I have to say that quite a lot has happened lately —
even if I did nothing for a few days.

Although “nothing” isn’t entirely true:
I tried to get myself together, calm down, and just relax.
Sometimes it worked better, sometimes worse.

I believe there’s a reason why I chose the series Supernatural right now.
It’s about the supernatural. Angels, demons, death, and life itself.

All of us carry demons within us from time to time.
They lead us to do things we don’t really want to do.
And we only do them because we’ve lost the connection to our higher self.

The demonic part of us wages war against the part that can help us move forward in life
and achieve things that are deeply meaningful to us:

Health, well-being, abundance, unconditional love for others —
but above all, for ourselves.

We’ve forgotten who we are,
what makes life worth living,
and some of us just drift through the days
while the demonic part inside of us celebrates.

We manipulate, lie, cheat,
and make life harder for the people around us,
instead of building something together
that could truly matter.

There are people who will never change.
Because they don’t want to — or simply can’t.
For me, that means I will withdraw from these people,
even if they once meant something to me.

I can’t wait on them,
but I can wait for them — if they ever become ready.
But until then, my energy stays with me.
And only with me.

[CurlyGirl]

listening times

07.08.2025
LB 3:33
WATER 3:33

Responsibility

I’ve met many people who don’t want to take responsibility.
Truly, many.
And the pattern is always the same:
Suddenly, I’m the one to blame.
For their bad mood.
For their forgetfulness.
For things going wrong.
Or for something they didn’t manage to do.

Not directly, of course. But through little comments. Twisted words. Half-truths.
A “Yeah, but you also…”
A “I would’ve, but then you…”
A constant dodging, deflecting, distorting.
So subtle that at some point, you start to wonder if you are overreacting.

And I know where that behavior often comes from.
I know that many people were taught early on that honesty is dangerous.
That saying, “Yes, that was my fault” didn’t bring understanding, but punishment.
Shame. Rejection.
I get that.
Truly.

But understanding is not the same as justification.
Because as understandable as this protective behavior may be –
it destroys relationships.
It wears people down. It confuses, it hurts.
And at some point, they step back.

Not because they don’t care.
But because they have to protect themselves.
Because they realize:
It doesn’t work when only one person is carrying the weight –
for two.

You can’t build real connection
when every conversation feels like a courtroom battle.
When you can’t say:
“I feel hurt.”
Without immediately hearing:
“Well, that’s your fault.”

I believe we can all learn to take responsibility.
Not perfectly. But honestly.
A simple:
“That wasn’t okay of me.”
“I overstepped.”
“I meant to do it differently.”

It changes everything.
Not just the connection to others –
but the one to ourselves.

Because people who constantly blame others eventually end up alone.
Not because everyone abandoned them.
But because they pushed them away –
with every moment they refused to truly show themselves.

And that’s the heartbreaking part:
What we really want is closeness, connection, support –
but what we get is the opposite.

Because real connection needs responsibility.
And responsibility isn’t the enemy.
It’s the only bridge back to yourself –
and to the people who truly want to stay.

[Michel]

Sounds a lot like my last relationship.
Just because the trauma happened before me, didn’t mean I was the cause (and therefore the “solution”).

Logically if everything is my fault, then everything is my responsibility, including leaving…

[CurlyGirl]

I believe this could be anyone’s story — sometimes as the victim, sometimes as the perpetrator.

I think it’s about time we start creating awareness around this, because otherwise people will keep drifting further apart.

There’s already barely any real sense of unity left. Without manipulation, lies, guilt-tripping, and all that — nothing seems to work anymore.

It’s sad. It hurts to witness all of this.
But I can only heal myself. And those who are open to it.
Everyone else probably needs more time, a different “mentor,” or simply doesn’t want it.