What a quote man!! I love the talk so much I listened to it again, specially the part about the ego.
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Im in healing mode again… I have a bittersweet feeling of longing of past experiences, while at the same time some pain from what hurted me.
Some thoughts about if the future will ever be different and the fact that Im 2 months shy of being 47 years old doesnt help.
I find myself in a sentimental mood thinking if I died today… was it worth it? Did I acomplished something of any importance?
Of course if I answer those questions rationally the answer is positive, but the feeling is one of insignificance.
Im afraid of not being a good son, not making my parents proud of me. My dad is getting older and his mortality is getting very obvious for me, I see him old and tired and Im incapable of giving him what he deserves.
I feel I owe him so much and I would never be capable of paying him back.
I dont know how I ended up talking about my dad… boy thats a heavy burden… he doesnt expect me to give nothing in return.
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I started writing my previous post thinking I was healing from Heartsong/LBfH and then when I got super emotional thinking about my dad I though again… maybe this is Emperor.
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Yeah I understand that bro. Parents are always tough subjects for us. And fathers an especially difficult one for sons. In some way we are made in their image.
On the bright side the fact that you care for him is a good sign. And that he has provided for you is also a blessing.
Not an easy thing to talk about I know. Oh god do I know.
Just felt like being in solidarity with your thoughts on the matter.
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Thanks bro!! I feel your solidarity and it means a lot!
Yes its a blessing and I need to be more grateful.
Taking the first step is the hardest, now I feel that the door is opened and that things are getting sorted.
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I woke up a while ago and my mind is still looking for things to heal… this time its obviously Heartsong and Aphrodite in action.
I had this distressing dream about my girlfriend… sex, infidelity, lying, disloyalty, fighting… the whole thing. The most disturbing of all was that at the peak of the conflict she wasnt my actual girlfriend anymore, but my first one. My first girlfriend was a complete mess, as I was too… that could easily be used as an example of toxic relationships.
I woke up with the feeling that I need to forgive her… so I dont project those awful experiences and insecurities into my current relationship.
Now Im doing exactly that… forgiving and letting go.
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“Lovers who only pursue the joys of visible flesh have never succeeded in becoming united, nor in loving each other. When they lie side by side in their beds, they are nevertheless far apart, separated by an impassable thread of air, by the sword of forgetfulness; because they will never dream the same dream. Each of them pursues his solitary road, without his companion. Only when lovers are capable of dreaming the same dream are they truly Lovers. When they love one another in their dreams.”
Miguel Serrano.
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I think the waters are settling down, I hope its not the calm before the storm 
This run of Emperor has been smooth so far, it must be the anti-recon scripting and the balancing, the last time I used Emperor was somewhere around February or March… it was tough.
My plan for next cycle at the moment is a simple stack with both my customs… Phoibos and Tantric Lover. There still 2½ weeks till then and a LOT can happen, so lets focus in the present.
I feel Sexuality and Love healing is fundamental for a life filled with balance, peace, love and hapiness. Having Heartsong, LBH, Diamond and Aphrodite all in a custom was a great decision, that has a lot to give and so much room to grow.
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This almost sounds like a commercial…
Sex… the ultimate recon-buster… available while supplies last.
I think this is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.
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But… did he?
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Day#11
Tantric Lover
Emperor
Ascension Chamber
Feeling pretty good considering the hungover I had yesterday from saturday night.
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For a week Ive been feeling a lot of lower back pain, today flashes of guilt.
I became aware of how when I feel guilty about something its really hard for me to accept and I have the tendency to find someone to blame, for just about anything so I can displace the load. Fortunately being aware of that is what opens the doors for me to accept my responsability and change things.
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I feel a lot of emotional movement inside, specially manifesting in my heart center. Like theres some intense processing going on.
Seems like a good idea to do some exploration later tonight when theres darkness and silence.
It feels like a breakthrough about to be born.
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Ive been hyper sensitve to what I dont like… apparently its a way recon hits me.
I can recognize that this form of recon is now way softer than what it used to.
Specifically Im easily bothered by what I consider other peoples flaws. Of course I dont have any flaws, not me you know.
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I can feel 2 things happening at the same time, the first is that Im feeling very needy and insecure; the second is Im accumulating lots of sexual frustration.
Aphrodite Time!
As I write this I realize that Im also emotionally isolating. Wanting for things to just disappeared… this should be fun.
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“THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS!”
Hang in there!
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It happened again… I was about to write a long post about how much of a dreadful recon I had and right before I reach for my phone my girfriend initiated.
I was 0% into it, but I remembered how it dissolved my recon last time and went right for it. Now I feel very good.
P.S. No ejaculation though… I gotta preserve that energy for other purposes.
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Anyways… what I was about to write is that I was in a state that I consider my oldest trauma… Inside my head and 100% isolated from the world… I remember doing this as a small kid to “run away” from the pain and my parents fights.
I was so good at hidding inside my head and disconnecting my perceptions of the world that my parents took me to various doctors thinking that I had hearing problems and what not.
Now I have the key for ultimate healing.
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Thanks bro! Im already kicking ass😆
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It became clear to me that I only chose to add Emperor to my stack cause of fear… Im not longer afraid so I dont have a need for Emperor. I dont want to run it anymore it doesnt really fit me.
Today I started doing my 2 customs… just that for now. Phoibos and Tantric Lover, Im gonna keep doing that for a while.
First impression… I was melting in pleassurable feelings ehile listening… puoring from my chest to my whole body. The fell into a profound sleep and had some weird dreams. I am now very emotional, I jump from one emotion to the next, at the same time I have deep levelas of awareness of my thought patterns, how I create my emotions… and from where it all comes from.
Im also not fighting any ot this, Im perfectly capable of fully living it and observing it at the same time. It doesnt have the edge and intensity that it used to have either.
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