Whine time. With growth.
Rebirth stirred me most of the day. I realized it’s most likely–naw, it is–the piece of alpha subliminals that’s gotten me really pissed off in the past. I expected something possibly smooth and easy… I know I’m not entirely alone in that. I didn’t find what I wanted or desired.
I got pissed off during my last writing when I pulled back from being “on” for everybody. I was angry, and that is not normal for me. I felt it pulling away some old comfy fallbacks–and my day was pretty challenging. It took me an hour to leave the airport since two separate parking payment machines–half a mile apart from each other–didn’t accept my debit card. And I was on foot. It finally worked when at the actual exit lane in my vehicle. I thought my day was going to shit, really. No anger during this time, just feeling kept away from normal self-pitying mindsets.
And then–drum roll–I’m going 70mph down the interstate in the rain, and my wipers stopped working. Just stopped. I’d normally try to detach in my mind and body, and I tried, unsuccessfully. I had to consider solutions, and what i usually avoid like fire is failure. Fear of failure and shame, though my old actions would actually lead me to fail.
I called AAA, set up a tow, but realized the rain was fading and it was still light out…so I scrapped that plan. Drove cautiously behind other vehicles since my vision was poor looking through an unwiped windshield. I pulled over 3 times when rain quickened.
Something happened which touched me, even where I’m soft writing this. I’m going to share it.
I was angry, and I was angry at God during this time. I told him. I felt better, but the rain didn’t lessen. I remembered a spiritual email I’d read yesterday where a woman spoke some honest words to God in a real life or death situation, and she survived.
Well, I wondered what I wanted God to do for me. The rain was increasing slowly, and it was getting darker. I asked God to bring down his angels to protect me, something I don’t normally give much attention to. But I felt scared and desperate. And why not ask?
A minute later, this old coupe pulled out in front of me, and I trailed him for like 20 miles, right up to our county border. I kept thanking God for that one car, because as long as he was there, I could follow his lights in my lane. It stands out since I was in rush hour traffic time, and this guy was driving slower like me, the entire way.
I mention this also since I’ve always thought independence meant I’m on my own–all alone. My day was being tested, and I was seemingly strongly encouraged to ask for help. I did begin texting a coworker who I’m beginning to trust. It felt good releasing some stress by sharing it. The God thing I’m still wary of, like I’m trying to dismiss it. Why? Fears of trusting someone/something, and being hurt. Old beliefs were really tested today. Directly tested.
I guess I could pray “Lord, help me not be a stubborn fool when solutions are right in front of me”. And I’m careful what I ask for. I’ll see.what happens. I got home safe.
