I also think that’s why the sales pages for different titles mentions " your current level of growth ". It’s not meant to be a one time thing. It’s something that can be repeated for further growth over a lifetime
I couldn’t imagine running the entirety of the Dragon Reborn multi stage and not wanting to revist it at some point in the future. Now I understand why @ksub recommended this book to me
https://www.amazon.com/Gap-Gain-Achievers-Happiness-Confidence/dp/1401964362
I’m all mushy, and it’s creeping up on me. I know it’s LB, but the Synergy connection module is kicking in. I’m not feeling like I want to push people away.
Actually I’m thinking caring thoughts about people.
I just read a post by @Parsifal, and I started crying.
It feels right to let it out.
Christian Mystics often speak about the Donum Lacrimorum, The Gift of the Tears.
Meaning to be able to shed tears about a certain topic. Because shedding tears is considered to be purifying, purging.
So let it flow.
I was walking in a store for lunch, and I remembered early days of doing subliminals. I was a mush back then, and I’ll gladly accept that now.
I began seeing and feeling what I’d not before.
Changes happening slowly. Today is having me cry numerous times throughout the day.
I needed a ride home after work, and no kidding, I had 2 guys vying for it, plus one (wrangling) them, speaking up for me. He’s normally like that, like he’s got my back.
Then, moments later, my female boss comes out calling my name repeatedly. I felt calm already around the guys, so I thought it might be unwelcome news, but I didn’t go there. Instead, I paid attention to why she was calling me.
She said another site was requesting me next week, and right there, where she stood, she stopped her initial push. She quickly said she’d get another person to cover that, because in her words “we need you here”. I thanked her twice, as I saw her standing up for me to those requesting me.
And surprising to me, that last interaction makes me weep. 30 minutes ago I was finishing up dinner with my housemate (he’d cooked for all of us), and as I almost shared that incident, tears came, and my throat closed.
I’m going to throw this out there: I’ve not believed I was lovable or admired by women, but this shook me up. I’m crying on and off while writing.
LB is doing something. I’m not sure what, but it’s definitely something.
I’ll just spit this out here.
Am I the only one who’s wondering…could this be my time to heal?
My gut’s soft, and I’m wondering what grace Fire has given us again. His skill for the support scripting is what makes the programs just work beautifully. Without them, we’d bail left and right facing our histories.
@James, your last posts to me today spoke of therapy. And early in my adulthood, therapy was so so so so attractive to me: freedom to share, freedom to feel, freedom to cry, and freedom to LET GO.
I’ve gravitated towards that arena for the very reasons I wrote above.
And DR…DR is the best tool to do this. I know I could, but should I?
To answer my own question, I’m looking for a greater emphasis or focus on removing limits and their emotional chains. Maybe even transmuting or making them work FOR me.
I’ve tried my whole adult life to hide from my childhood. But these desires seem to betray that. I’ve just only been looking at the pains I’ve lived with, some even self-created.
A limit I live with daily is “I can’t do that for me…because…I’m not worth it.”
Crying now. Realizing the limits I’ve lived by don’t work for me.
You could try it. I heard a rumor DRLD can be a tough one to run. Perhaps starting slow might be wise. Then perhaps 30s twice a week. It’s up to you, mate.
Simply put, it might be better for some people to start slow. I can tell you from my own experiences that too much too quick can lead to bad sleep and headaches.
Regarding going slow, I listened to 5 minutes of my LB Sanguine custom last night, but went with 3 minutes of Emperor this morning. I had felt just a slight piece of recon from LB, so I passed on Emperor. Well, until 15 minutes later.
I’ve not felt so burdened today, meaning I didn’t sense it processing all day.
What I did remember these last few days I’ll share here. I’ve had the NWE activating in me.
What does that mean? Not what I expected, but I’ve seen it shared in the sales pages.
The NR sales page specifically. I suddenly felt personally excited about making money–but NOT for making money. No, no, no. In the NR sales page it says you’ll start seeing where you could give value to your work and creations. I equate value with giving of myself, and that really moves me. This changes my whole outlook of why this is important to me.
Something else, which is a LB connection. I believe I sensed the NWE connection since LB is helping me see my own value. In contrast, I’ve never seen myself as valuable before. The mental logic is “I’m not of value, so how and why would I offer any?”
I credit the new LB with bringing this to me. I’ve always thought so much less of myself. It’s a lonely experience I’d wish on noone. LB is doing stuff I have no explanation or understanding of–which is why I’ve seen myself fighting it at times: it’s unknown.
I thought I’d share this for @SaintSovereign and @Fire
Day 12
Emperor and LB Sanguine custom this morning
3 minutes each
I just want to hide. Just hide.
Everything I’ve done to hide–FROM MYSELF…
is not working.
I even shared some feelings with a coworker yesterday. He pushed me to use my health plan for a counselor.
I agreed.
I’m just scared. This “monster” I’ve avoided is me. I’ve been pushing him away for my whole life.
Who am I? What’s happening?
Seems like facing me is the biggest battle I’ve ever faced
I called it a monster in me since the longer and harder I’ve tried to suppress him, the more I’ve feared he’d escape
I need to write. But…I’m feeling scared since I want to be honest.
I am scared since I want to avoid this pressure to change–and it won’t go away. It just won’t. It’s pressing my heart and mind (mostly my mind today), and the only things I’ve known to do is…avoid it. Ignore it. Distract myself…which always feels better…but only for a moment.
I’ll share what I’m feeling now. I see in my mind this little boy adamantly holding his ground. I also sense this more mature part of me standing there, facing the boy, waiting on him. Like he wants the boy to release his hold, but he won’t force him. He stands, waiting.
Now, I just took a break, and felt the boy in me. He has so much emotion, mostly sadness, since …not sure exactly. He’s using what he knows, which is avoiding the emotions.
I don’t have a solution–but damn, something just came to me.
The little boy feels BOTH responsible to find a solution (which he doesn’t have), AND he simultaneously believes he’ll fail if he’s even near this responsibility. So, on one side–he can’t. And the other side–he didn’t. Two heavy emotional realities. 2 core beliefs: 1. He doesn’t have the answer, and 2. He’s failed finding it.
That negative duo is felt in EVERY area of life. I’m a 52 yo adult, but the boy still feels (and fears) this responsibility.
I’m not positive on the actual responsibility. But this has, and is, directing me.
Very interesting. This is what they call an exile in Internal Family Systems. Ignored frightened parts, frozen in time, abandoned. The goal is unburdening, essentially what you’re talking about here removing that responsibility from that child part. You can try talking to it directly, see how it feels, explain why things are different nowadays and what you’re doing to try to keep him safe.
I’d be willing to bet the responsibility it feels it’s holding onto was the result of unmet needs.
Yes. I wasn’t loved, and I’ve believed it was my fault. I’ve sought out things to relieve the pain, but love wasn’t sought out. Just temporary relief.
What I’ve always sought out was a fantasy, because love brought with it feelings of guilt and self-blame.
Yeah, romantic love–damn… that’s been avoided since that blame and guilt pop up quickly and I’m overwhelmed. That’s why I’ve never sought out women. I have been on 2-3 dates my entire life.
But LB is making a difference. Thinking of how I felt during those dates made me feel “I am empty” I had nothing. There’s something in my tank now, and it’s not just hopelessness.
Adding on to that, I’m scared to admit I’m drawn towards the new DR. The feelings of failure pop up when I think of other members here, as I’ve used everybody here for little pieces of love. I’ve done that my whole life as well.
I’m scared more of feeling like a failure, of losing love, since I’ve barely given myself credit for decisions I’ve made.
Also…haven’t thought of this in a while, but I’ve manipulated people to make my decisions since I was terrified of that feeling of me trying independently and failing. I did…and still do that. Me NOT trading presently is evidence of that fear.
Gonna get off. Not making everyone happy with me, just thinking about it, overwhelms me.
This is when inner parenting comes into play. There’s a mature part of you that’s capable of giving that love to your inner child that’s calling out for it. But the child might not believe it. These behaviors when you seek out others is most likely the inner child taking the wheel. Though it seems undesirable to exhibit those traits as a grown adult, they’re perfectly valid needs for a child. Try not to feel bad about seeking that love from others, these wounds run deep and are instinctual.
I see you’ve got a sanguine LB custom. So maybe that’s working towards building up inner trust in yourself right now. Maybe a smaller part of you needs to know it can trust the adult you.
Day 13
1st of 2 rest days
I hung on these words all morning.
Yes, I was at work this morning, knowing it’s my inner child leading me often since he’s more accepting and willing to put himself out there. I’ll let “fun me” run with others moreso than my adult self.
Also, a big admission for me is…I’ve often been in emotional pain since I’ve tried to squelch him often. —and LB is completely opposite to how I thought I’d “survive”–which is why I’ve let my inner child out more freely lately.
So, I’ve created a lot of pain by being mean to him in the past. When I first started LB, that instant clash was “I love myself” vs. “I hate the me I am”, though I’ve never voiced that. I just thought life was made by squelching him. Some would say “why would you think that?”
Because he wears his heart on his sleeve, internalizes everything emotionally, so in short, he gets emotional wounds left and right when showing himself around others (who regularly shush their own vulnerable parts). To avoid such pain, I’ve shushed and shooed him away thousands of times.
And…I’m writing and seeking hope in my choices, ones such as “should I do DR again?” In the past, I’ve gone back to it for one reason: to feel safe in my own skin. To stop badgering and bludgeoning myself for being honest and vulnerable. --I just realized…that I’m not responding to myself the same way I was before LB and Emperor. I’m not doing that.
But I still feel pain from something. It feels like another old belief which (maybe) I’m still trying to hold on to. (“Holding on to” translates to me saying “SHUT UP!” to my vulnerable parts.)
Thanks for the insightful share @Fractal_Explorer.
There’s something I’ve not been writing about, as it’s seemingly opposite of what I’ve been experiencing emotionally.
I’ve not been sharing about my Emperor experiences. I was at work today, and I was busting my ass–since I wanted to complete the project like I knew I could. I’d been requested since I know the task well, and I jumped in.
I felt a little insecure when I was told a time or two to “slow down” since we had time. But I didn’t want to. I actually ENJOYED busting my butt, sweating a good deal, and taking pride in doing something well.
I did reflect numerous times, wondering if I was running away from relationships (guys love to stall and gab when we have no deadline). But I kept our goal in the front of my mind. I did take a few breaks when appropriate, but I didn’t stay there yearning to be done. No. I cooled off, wet myself down with water, and jumped right back in.
And I did get a good encouragement. One of our drivers had stopped his truck near us, and unexpectedly, he got out and began a conversation with me while I was working. He said something that made me feel valued. He said “we know you did most of the work here” since I’d been working with another employee.
I’ll take that. A slight part of me felt uncomfortable receiving his compliment, but I know it’s part of my conditioned self-training.
I’ve looked for evidence of the aura lately, and yes, I’ve had unexpected IOI’s with women, some much older than me. I bought lunch a week ago at a supermarket, and 2 older cashiers were being very sweet to me.
—I’ll admit this. I’m glad they weren’t women I’d be interested in since…my nerves might have made me split. I’ve not had much recent experience opening up to a female peer lately. So much change is happening that I’m not sure how I’d react.
Makes me wonder…if the new DR covers everything, I wonder if…and how…it’d affect my approach and self-confidence. I asked in the DR hype page “Is this possible?” We’ll see. It’s not been released yet.
The illusion of control. My own.
I’d been with a coworker yesterday and he knew that I used to teach. He asked me if I’d ever seen a certain WWII movie. I hadn’t.
And I watched it. Just finished it. It’s “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”, a movie about a young German boy befriending a Jewish boy on opposite sides of a barbed wire fence of a Nazi death camp. I’m hit because the German boy died trying to help his friend…find his father…who was obviously killed in the same camp.
He gave his life not knowing this was a death camp. He thought it was a farm. Thought the farmers were “different” since they all wore striped pajamas.
The German boy had lied to a German authority earlier when the Jewish boy was doing work in their house. He’d given the Jewish boy some food, and upon being discovered, he lied, fearing the soldier’s wrath.
But he felt so wrong, revisiting their meeting place (at the electrified fence) numerous times. He finally saw him, and the Jewish boy had facial scars from being beat.
So the German boy was willing to help his friend out, digging under the wire to get in…to find his friend’s dad. But they were caught up in a forced herding to have a “shower”. And it ended them.
Just like that.
Would I help out a friend who I betrayed? I probably would. I most certainly would. People are more important. Treating people like I’d want to be treated is what’s important.
Day 14
2nd rest day
Fear. Being afraid.
This is my ugly, detestable (by me), disgusting norm. I’m angry, waking up realizing that of all the 10(?) things I can choose to do today, fear is forcing me or fearing me away.
Every damn thing I want or desire is chained to some fear. …ok, what’s the fear? I believe it’s “you won’t love me if…” So, I hold back, hesitate, and wait any moment for (anybody) to reject me.
That’s always been my biggest rudder in life. I go here, I go there, I turn there, fearing some rejection, turn again remembering (or just imagining) rejection…over and over, again and again. My life is small since I’m always in self-protection mode.
I didn’t come here to analyze smanalyze…
I’m imagining (fear kept me from saying “planning” since I imagined rejection here) staying on this rest period, extending it to 5 days to do an early washout. Then, starting with DR RED. I’ll stack it with my LB custom.
I will give a physical manifestation of this fear. I’m feeling my throat clenching. And for the last 20-25 years, I’ve not felt that regularly. But I have 2ce now in the last week.
I remember feeling this regularly in middle school. I felt abandoned full-time since my brother, the person I was closest to, left home without warning. I felt it in school, and that was hard, being around people reading my unspoken message of “stay away”. I did. From everybody. It kept me from being hurt again, but gawd, I always felt that sting, and I never understood any of it.
And wow, damn, that same “leave me alone” was shown by my own mother. I never saw that until just now. I needed help, but she was pushing everyone away–and my life mirrors that EXACT behavior.
It says “I can’t get any love from you, so stay away from my heart!”
Exactly. Everything stops. Until the next fear arises. Constant hypervigilance.
I’ll stay off subs for a whole 5 days, starting DR in the evenings.
That’s my next step.