Thanks @Parsifal
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Day 2 continued
DRLD custom 1 hour ago
3 minutes
I’ve been unhappy with myself. I’m going to vent.
A large part of me has been pulling back to known, safe, emotional comfort zones. I’ve been trying to hide in feeling good (when the good memory is from sometimes …4 years ago, more or less).
I’m feeling afraid of the messages coming up. Action taking stuff. I’ve been feeling this grief all day, and I’ve only tried to hide from it. I’m seriously waiting for tomorrow so I can work again. Admitting that felt like shit. Because I use my room to hide–from relationships, from commitments to relationships, from feeling powerless in relationships.
As a sidenote…in Heartsong’s tips at the bottom, it says you’ll likely be remembering old relationships first and feel uncomfortable (paraphrasing). It says it’s doing a healing first. --I’m not doing Heartsong. Lately, since starting DRLD, I’ve considered those possibilities
If there’s a parallel to Heartsong, DRLD is working on my relationship holdups, my self-installed blocks to them…and I am seeing myself as such a failure. I instantly imagine rejection by my housemate, so staying in my room is reinforced. I rarely imagine going out in town to see women since, in my mind, I’m imagining rejection constantly. I’ve even imagined going to church to meet a woman…but I’ve been rejecting my own desires. I don’t want to be a leech.
Here’s a truth: rejection, and even the imagining of rejection, became a comfort zone. “If I know I’ll be rejected, then why even subject myself to it?” So, I hide in my room. And that feeling of seeking safe norms keeps life very small. Mind you, “safe norms” means familiar norms, familiar outcomes…even if they hurt. Staying in something predictable meant…safety to me.
But my mind’s been spinning the lie that ALL relationships will feel like that. So I pull back. I’m even aware that me rejecting myself is seen and felt by others. I’m telling them “you don’t want me”. Conversely, when I feel really good about myself, the reactions are extremely obvious.
What have I wanted the MOST? To feel safe. To feel secure. To know my life isn’t threatened when someone doesn’t give me…what I’m not sure how to give myself.
Another truth, while I’m spitting it out: I’ve written emotional appeals in times past–hoping someone would "save’ me by way of offering or creating a subliminal which instilled an emotional security, something which was not given when I was a young child.
I’ve created my own subliminals to instill security. Why am I not using them?
Because when a emotional stronghold is removed, it begs to be replaced with something. A very big reason I returned to SC is that Fire has incredible insight on how to turn one’s ill-guided desires into memorable, fulfilling achievements, both emotionally and socially.
When I ran my own subliminals, I often found myself wanting and still unfulfilled. It seems like rocket science to me, so I returned to SC. I think of a man who had run his own transport business for over a decade, but he joined our company. He gave up being his own boss.
I asked him why. His reason was simple. He’d be losing sleep every night, hoping things worked as planned the following day, which they rarely did. He joked saying “so I started working for the enemy”. No nightly stress. The planning and everything was put on their shoulders. He could rest. He’s even moved into higher management in the last 2 years.
Fire and Saint know things I don’t. So I’ll use their subliminals–since they work beautifully. Everything (meaning all the planning and guidance) is in place. I have other things in life to focus on. So I truly appreciate all the effort put into making these a reality.
And for emotional security? Saint shared his experience with Hero: TLTB. He shared unexpectedly feeling safe and secure in his own skin while using the Earth stage.
Key: I’d like to build up my security more. Some think this is through external achievement, while I know that is a result of feeling secure. …I planned on using Emperor tomorrow morning…since it has a strong effect on one’s perception of themselves.
Out for now.
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I just became aware of something big.
Just like my growing up days, my 20’s, and now–I’ve believed I had to give love to everybody to be happy.
And that…is too damn much. No wonder I detest big crowds. Even crowds of half a dozen people. I instantly expect myself to love everyone equally. But I’m an introvert.
Having that belief only keeps me from mingling much, at all. I imagine failing before even trying.
For relief, I did put Essence: Magnetic Social Flow in my Emperor custom. It spoke of rejection in the description, which was important to me.
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Besides Earth, Water might be worthy checking out. Read the thread and some journals, like my fiancees one (Clearer with every drop).
It’s a great title for emotional mastery.
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I’m wondering about that. Seriously
Day 4
It was clear this morning. All my recon lately is from the push to be authentic.
I’ve always hidden who I am from others. Survival strategies from childhood. I’ve had steady awarenesses of things I like and things I desire.
But I’ve hidden them from myself. That explains the tears last week and before.
Writing, like in previous years, felt… uncomfortable because I couldn’t arrive with my “not me” mask and attempt honesty.
This is what I’ve been avoiding.
Underneath my fearful emotions, a part of me is looking forward to this. I’m tired of orchestrating bullshit lies non-stop.
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I’m glad I’m here
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LB is kicking in, and I’m liking what I’m feeling.
I got home from work 30 minutes ago, I prepped my stuff for tomorrow…and I relaxed, allowing feelings and thoughts to come forward. I was relaxed, entertaining a feeling of…feeling lovable. Enjoying myself. And I had a truthful awareness come up too.
The truth was that I’m still using dysfunctional templates to see myself in. I imagine being around women (more than 10 minutes, out of work) and usually I instantly attack myself with old fears and beliefs that I’m just not attractive to them.
However, once I was home, I did have a flash of feeling lovable–and comfortable with women. My mind questioned it…but my interference wasn’t given much attention.
Tying in with that is an interaction I had with a woman today near the end of our day, as she is a customer of ours. I was working with my Haitian coworker today, and at this stop, he left me and her talking, and she and I kept at it over 5 minutes. I knew I was “on the job”, but I really enjoyed being fun and approachable with her. I craved that, and it was easy to do. She is moving in 2 days, but it was good “practice”.
Then we returned to our work yard to go home. I visited our lead secretary to return something, and I acknowledged her office coworker, an older guy who’s kind of goofy and harmless. I made work jokes, and he really enjoyed it. He made a comment that speaks of LB in action: he said “I love you. A good laugh makes the day go by so much easier”.
I enjoyed it myself.
As I wrote that last line, I felt my inner denial trying to shut down my joy and happiness. Thought I’d share the inner world since, with subliminals, a battle is raging when on new subs. My mind knows the old, it believes it’s safer, and----wow----I’m glad I’m experiencing it. It’s DRLD showing itself.
One concern I’ve had about tomorrow: I got my Emperor/LB custom tonight, and I’ve been saying I was gonna jump on it…“to get busy”. I listened to my LB/Sanguine custom Monday morning, and I’m enjoying the growth. I’m kind of scared I’ll use Emperor to hide from my emotions. To not feel. Hell, I could use anything to hide. But that’s why I mixed it with LB. I just remembered I have Emotions Unfettered in there. I’ll likely use it–just to challenge those fears.
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I think with Achilles’ Heel, Emotions Unfettered, Living Truth, Love Bomb Core, Synergy: I AM ATMAN there’s no way of hiding from your feelings.
But with Synergy: Breath of the Storms, Synergy: Semper Praesens and Way of Understanding this shouldn’t be troubling.
Also excited to see your results from Synergy: Beyond Connection, Synergy: Secrets of Seduction and Synergy: Venus Unveiled.
Your taking action already without even running the modules, so it will turn out great 
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Day 5
I just listened to my Emperor LB custom. 3 minutes.
My norm lately has been “disempowered”. I feel empowered. But with a hint of self-care.
I can feel the gears spinning. Gonna get up now.
Feeling like I’m strong enough to handle life makes such a difference.
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Day 6
Fierce recon last night in bed. It was about abandonment.
It wasn’t overlistening recon. When I realized what it was, I knew it was good. I AM ATMAN hit quickly.
I’m 54, and still I act and believe like I’m a little brother who needs help, who wants to be rescued. I’ve felt it at work around guys, and I realized I am still doing it here, as I got REALLY pissed off since my journal seems ignored. I did NOT want to continue this–since it mirrored the abandonment I experienced with my older brother. I felt it all
It was all emotion. I imagined cutting all ties here. Never coming back. And that’s when it was clear. I AM ATMAN was working hard to eradicate this thinking.
I don’t know what I’m going to do today, as I blew up on my non-English speaking coworker yesterday. I framed him as my brother because he really doesn’t GAF about me or the job he’s doing. He just wants to bitch when I ask for something (it felt like it was 105 degrees outside yesterday. That makes me moody when I don’t cool down)
So yeah, this is working on me. In a weird way, I want it to.
Edit. After writing that…I just wanted to cry. This is the thinking that steers me every single day.
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About 3 years back, I used a sub which focused on growing up emotionally. I see similarities.
This time I’m not sitting in insecurity. I feel more capable inside.
And after writing that, I still feel a grief. Like it’s pulling my reality out of my hands.
This pain of being abandoned, of not being seen — I know it all too well.
For me, it felt — or still feels — as if my very existence is a mistake. As if I’ve failed. Failed at life.
But that’s not the truth. Even when it felt heavy and unbearable, I could always somehow, somewhere, sense that my life isn’t a farce.
That I am not a mistake — and neither is my life. Just because there are people who don’t see you, doesn’t mean you’re completely invisible.
We respond to people who are similar to us and tend to push away those who are not.
Those who think, feel, and love the way we do — they’re the ones we need in our lives.
The rest… they just don’t get it.
At least, that’s how it is for me.
Trying to explain my heart and soul to people who are hiding in the shadows of themselves — they can’t understand.
At least not always. Not me. Maybe never.
And that’s okay. Those people will find others whose energy, soul — call it whatever you want — is in tune with theirs.
By the way, I think it’s really brave of you to say that you don’t feel seen on SubClub.
A lot of people know that feeling, but they don’t speak it out loud.
Myself included.
It doesn’t have to be SubClub. It could be any platform.
Who knows whether it’s the ego at play, or something else entirely.
All I know is this:
If I can ever let go of that feeling, I’ll rise to my full potential.
Until then, I wait.
You’re going through an incredible transformation.
It’s beautiful — yes, sometimes painful — but in my opinion, you’re on the right path.
Now it’s time to learn to listen to yourself and your heart.
No matter how quietly you or it may speak.
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Just because people don’t interact doesn’t mean they don’t read or notice.
There’s next to no interaction in my journal. No likes, no comments (or just from the same two-three people). Did I feel rejected? At a point, yes.
Did I continue? Of course.
I write my journal mostly for myself. To have a record of my growth. To record my listening times. To contemplate my life, to understand my challenges.
That SC can analyze my progress to improve their products is just a side effect.
That others might be inspired as well.
But sometimes, suddenly someone that never liked one posts sends a PN asking a question. Or comments in my journal. Or reveals in another thread that he read my journal.
Just because there’s no interaction doesn’t mean neither that you aren’t seen nor that you don’t have an effect on here.
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DRLD 30 minutes ago. 3 minutes
Unsure about tomorrow
That was the best news I got all day @Parsifal and @CurlyGirl. Thank you so much, both of you.
I felt off/mad most of the day, having all sorts of negative possibilities running through my head. Toooo much.
Here’s the trigger: every bad scenario imagined linked to a relationship break, as in people leaving me or me leaving others. I imagined quitting, telling people off…yet when I looked again, I was mad since they didn’t fill my wants.
And contrary to that very negativity that seemed to “own” me, by me feeling and facing stuff…that terror seemed to be dying at the root. That’s wonderful, but very…weird. Like uncommon (all my life long).
I AM ATMAN contains Ares and Feebrus, modules which were among the very first released when customs started years back. I mention them since when I used my first SC sub, Ascension, in 2018-19, I came head to head with a LOT of fears.
The greatest fruit of using that sub was that after fearing and fretting a situation (for days or weeks, literally), I’d encounter it…and nothing happened like I thought it would. Nothing even close. Confrontations? Handled with charisma and self control, eliminating the need for an argument. Spending time with family and their sacred drama? I was calm…confident too. I got tired of looking for shit in their closets, so to speak. I had that same result MANY times. I began looking forward to seeing how I’d be after facing fears.
Now, I never read that Ares and Feebrus were in Ascension. What I know is that I faced a LOT of fears while on it.
I sense that daring part of me wishing to face things that scare me now. That’s why I think Ares and Feebrus were in Ascension. I AM came later, in the first version of Khan, maybe 2019.
What’s REALLY weird to me is…I was never hit by tons of emotion on the first release of Khan TB. Also, last year, while running the updated Khan, TB didn’t hit me ridiculously. Stage 2 did, but not Stage 1, Total Breakdown. My memorable emotional hits had to do with women…since I’ve always played passive (“harmless”) with women.
In contrast to TB, I AM ATMAN hits fears HARD. Which is why I’ve felt off today. I am just seeing how much I’ve clung to fears–thinking I’d be safer. I was safer, but damn I was lonely.
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That’s an interesting parallel to my own Khan run. TB didn’t hit me hard either. A bit of irritation here and there. But that was the hardest of it. No dread, no fears,…
At that time I thought that three months on Ascendet Love, which contains the few wonderfully synergetic modules I’ve shared above, prepared me pretty well.
Three months with I AM ATMAN and TB becomes a walk in the park?
Later I used 30 seconds of Ascendet Love and the recon was immense. I don’t know what Khan did (since I didn’t experience a lot of recon or results), but it seems to have worked way deeper than I was able to feel.
I plan to use Khan again in 2027. I think this will be a completely different experience then.
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I’m late to the party - Happy Birthday!