Just got my DRLD custom. Here’s what’s in it.
Achilles’ Heel
Aphrodite
Art of Trust
Divine Self-Image
Dragon Reborn: Limit Destroyer Core
ESSENCE: The Experience of Joy and Love
Experimental ZPU Anti-Recon
Foundation
Furious Ascent
Lineage
New Emotional Healing Experience Core
Synergy: Secrets of Seduction
Synergy: Semper Praesens
Synergy: Venus Unveiled
Synergy: Winner Overdrive
Still building my Emperor/LB custom
More understandings from today:
I thought of @Michel’s experiences lately on DRLD. His anger. His growth. It served as a model for me–since I’ve rarely been openly angry. Guilt and negative self-talk have often extinguished it. Today was a real rarity for me.
This—this is so un-normal for me: I saw myself…like detached from males I’ve normally “looked up to while looking down on myself”. There was a break in this pattern of mine.
One of the tenderest realizations: when I returned to the shop, I still had this “F*** OFF!” mentality going. And a few guys, all separate interactions, welcomed me right where I was at. My pretending had vanished…and guys soaked it up. Major reality crack for me.
Day 20
I’m feeling good. I just made and purchased my Emperor/LB custom.
–Wow, Emperor does GET YOU THROUGH IT. Thinking back over the years, taking on such a project intimidated me since…I might fail/make a mistake, so I’d wonder off mentally, never completing stuff like this. I look at my bedroom as evidence of this. So, Emperor really came through for me in this build.
I’ll share that, once partially built days ago, I’d written that my present focus was healing and relationships. I really wanted this…but my first build was loaded with Executive modules.
I went back, looking at what I was creating. It was a kitchen sink collection.
PLUS—I’m very grateful I’d actually read guidelines for the Essence series. It says 1-2 per custom (3 if carefully considered), and I had 4. So damn glad I caught that, as it would have been a sub I couldn’t use. I only put in Essence: Magnetic Social Flow. Essentially, I went through each module and asked “Will this help me be true to myself and be open to allow others into my life?”
I’m grateful I did this since being on Emperor can be terribly isolating, so that module along with numerous others will work well for me. The ones I took out…I already own the major subs for (EOG, Executive…) so I have the choice of running them solo or customized later.
Here’s my build.
Achilles’ Heel
Emotions Unfettered
Emperor Core
ESSENCE: Magnetic Social Flow
Experimental ZPU Anti-Recon
Furious Ascent
Living Truth
Love Bomb Core
Synergy: Beyond Connection
Synergy: Breath of the Storms
Synergy: I AM ATMAN
Synergy: Secrets of Seduction
Synergy: Semper Praesens
Synergy: Venus Unveiled
Way of Understanding
–thanks @Parsifal for the I AM ATMAN setup recommendation. I’d have never included either Emotions Unfettered or Way of Understanding without your input. It made me think, as compared to not knowing and not asking others in the past. (Seems like Achilles’ Heel is at work. I’ve been putting it in customs repeatedly)
I just realized something I’ve been doing. …I’ve been trying to earn money to earn love.
I’ve not had love for myself, so I’ve looked outside myself. I’ve sought other people to love me. It kneecaps all relationships, even good ones.
“How can I earn love? I can succeed, be financially independent, so then, finally, I’ll be lovable”
And LB is showing me this. It’s closer to why I removed all those modules from my Emperor custom. I definitely wasn’t loving myself with that aim. I’ve been feeling it, not understanding it.
This is new to me. I’m dead serious. I’ve been waiting…and I’ve kept waiting…all of my life. It’s why I’ve made so many painful decisions when I definitely didn’t have to. Most were based on a belief that I was completely unlovable. So I let noone in and allowed noone to really get close, fearing me seeing this belief of mine and …me rejecting myself. I learned it from people who learned to reject themselves as well. Damn, that’s true.
LB is poking through. Feeling love is indescribable. It’s a whole new set of feelings. Plus whole new understandings. That’s why it kicked my tail on my first listen this week, as it contradicts all I’ve believed.
—Had an insight just now. I’ve feared going into true healing…because I feared facing that old belief…that I’m just unlovable. Who the F would want to revisit that again?
I’ve believed this was truth and it was set in stone. Unmovable. Unchanging.
Part of me sees myself keeping this unchanged as well. And I’ve kept this in place. DRLD is showing me this. I’ve built this fortress. But like the sales page says, I have the same power to take it down as well. This is coming true.
Day 21
I just had a belief show up from DRLD.
“I’m not allowed to love myself”
“Nor is anyone else”
Just dropping this so I don’t dismiss it.
Edit: this came up 10 minutes after…I noticed I wanted to be around people.
I’m having an internal battle between taking action and staying still. DRLD activating.
Washout day 1
I feel scared of my emotions. Feeling frustrated.
I went to my Changes journal last night. I continued reading this morning.
I’ve been attracted to hiding in old “known” mindsets.
And what I’m feeling is a young me. Part of me is scared, not desiring his presence.
That’s where a lot of imagined pain is.
Maybe DRLD will morph this lead into gold. I’m not sure what’s happening. I just want some resolution.
Breathe.
Washout day 2
First off, I am admitting something, probably to myself.
I didn’t want to write anything today. I woke up with this knowing that I’ve “performed” so many times here, trying to earn love, be acceptable, and I had some reconciliation. I haven’t been on washout overwhelm at all. But that wasn’t expected.
What I’ve been wanting to share is LB is steadily working in me, and yesterday I experienced some incredible stuff.
I was heading to my car to leave work, trying to insulate myself (I’m an introvert), and within a minute of each other, 2 separate guys called out my name, waving goodbye. Now, one was about 300 feet away. I felt accepted. Loved. And this was while I was, quite literally, trying to pull away from people. In the LB discussion thread, it says people will respond even if you’re in a bad mood, and they did.
I got in my car and made a detour to go shopping since I was making a meal. I was wondering about the aura. But…300 feet? That held my attention.
And next…I clearly saw this same aura/presence showing up while shopping. As I walked into the store (even walking the parking lot)…I felt like a magnet to other people’s attention. Both men and women looking up to see me. Heads turning. I noticed one manager’s frustration as I walked by.
Truthfully…After the first 20 seconds, I began being uncomfortable with it. Avoiding looks, just wanting to get out. I think my socializing reserves were on empty, and I needed some alone time.
I share this because my clearest memories of similar situations were when I was on Ascension in 2018. I suddenly felt “seen” by everybody. I’d go shopping, and I’d see all kinds of squirming and reactions by women, and it took more effort to not seek out attention in ways I’d always done. Prior to Ascension, I had always been insecure and I advertised it when I “tried” to appear attractive.
I had an experience yesterday while working (maybe an hour before quitting). I stopped at a house to pick up something, and within 30 seconds, this girl (20’s?) came out, acting nervous and flustered, not looking at me. I asked if I was blocking her since my truck was behind her car, and she quickly said no, still not looking me in the eye. Then, she opened her back door, and seemed to be searching for something. Now, she was wearing some skin tight shorts, and she gave me a clear butt shot for almost a minute. Of course I looked.
So, yeah, I wonder what this aura does. Or rather, what I’m projecting. More importantly, what is being released as LB works, like unleashing of other subliminals? I’m using Emperor again, I’ve had audible reactions from women before (3-4 years back), but nothing in recent years. I’m wondering how LB will “allow” other subs to blossom.
And finally…feeling honest. I have never been a player in any shape or form. I’d be happy with one woman. I’m not sure I’m ready to date just yet. ----but I’ve not thought (or really desired) to be in a relationship until I began DRLD. And LB seems to be opening more for me.
I was just reading a sub veteran’s journal. I actually felt my fearful, limiting thinking.
I’m shooting too low in life. Like I’ve been waiting perpetually in this “bread line of life”. I was thinking women here, feeling powerless and passive. Washout is working.
Washout day 3
This washout is different. I’m feeling uncomfortable since I’m grieving a lot, but it feels real. I’m usually hiding behind a mask, even with myself, and anger shows regularly since I’m easily seeing the dishonesty I’m presenting.
This time I’ve felt a lot more grief, and hiding it from myself has been hard. I’ve known it’s true, and I’d rather feel it.
The LB/DRLD combination is a perfect mix for this.
Do you often find yourself grieving when reconciling on SC subs?
You might be letting go of identities, behaviors, or worldviews that you’ve carried for years—even if they were harmful, they felt familiar. Releasing them can bring a real sense of loss.
Many subs dig up repressed grief, shame, anger, or loneliness. The mind brings them forward to process, and that can feel like mourning.
I experience a similar phenomenon from time to time, and I consider it the surest sign that something is shifting for the better.
Grief can appear—not as a sign of regression, but as a sign of real integration.
That’s why I’m embracing this more. My few experiences with grief showed more freedom and release when I just allowed it.
And the reason is I’m definitely shedding old identities and beliefs of who I was
That’s key, indeed.
Yes, it’s good you’re back, mate. Just keep the ball rolling even though it may take longer than you would wish. It’s worth it. I’ve been through lots of shit, as well.
See you around 
I’ve been flushing out tears tonight. I turned on a collection of performances from America’s Got Talent, and just like today (while working) I quickly began crying. I began crying half a dozen times while driving for work, at least.
One thing I noticed, similar to a rage I felt at work last week, was other emotions and memory associations began coming up. Suddenly I was crying and wondering what the ties were.
I don’t fully get this (DRLD is still unsticking my blocks) but I’ve had a strong emotional reaction from LB. I’ve used such harsh restrictions on myself to “protect” myself, and LB defies my malicious boundaries. That doesn’t click emotionally. Maybe because “no” was such an expected answer–for anything. Love, money, happiness…anything, so I thought.
I learned to not ask for things. Not want. And I began building the belief 'I must be bad if my own mom doesn’t want to love me. It’s MY fault". That’s why I’ve been crying. I feel emptiness from different times in life, and the contrast is incredibly striking. I feel love, and I desire it. But I also feel the emptiness, and…I want that too. Strange, but logical. Unloved was my norm. I also shielded my heart heavily…so…I was safe (???) I tried keeping and maintaining it…all my life. I never realized how I was really treating myself.
Love hasn’t made sense yet since I was not treated with love growing up. Just fear and control. My beliefs: If I’m compliant, I’ll be loved. —and it hurts admitting that.
Also (and this stirs me), I continued this same treatment of myself ever since I left home. That’s the emptiness I’ve felt today.
All I’ve ever truly wanted in life…is love. (Looking at that last line, I wrote it like I felt it. I felt powerless even desiring love growing up, and I wrote it like…I’m wimpering for it. Believing …nothing’s coming). It’s hard to feel anything when I desire love but attack myself with blame for the results simultaneously.
Washout day 4
An insistent thought and belief I’m having about last night’s post is “you shouldn’t have”.
Sharing what I have, with myself, violates my norm of keeping everything tucked inside.
It feels scary and so exciting to break my own norm.
I’m writing to share something I experienced today. I haven’t wanted to write. Which is actually why I’m writing.
It’s been unusually quiet emotionally for me today. I was purposely busy, focusing on doing work that would win approval…from others. Me? I sidelined my feelings easily due to fear of losing love. That’s where my mind was most of the day.
But something did pop up while I was driving home: holding back my anger (at a mother figure).
I live in an area I grew up in, so driving styles are, IMO, increasingly rude as the big city crowd seeps into our town.
I was driving home, not wanting to care about dumbass things like “GET HOME FAST!”. WTF is wrong with people? I’m going home to chill. They could take a fucking zanax. Just leave me alone
But first a man, then a woman, came up behind me like going stupid fast meant…I don’t fucking know. Makes no sense to me to drive like life will end if you don’t get home NOOOWWW. I drive county 2-lane roads, not highways.
But what I noticed in me…now, that’s worth sharing. The woman was behind me, and I was thinking “fuck off” as she came up behind me. I looked for feelings…and I felt me holding back my anger at her. Exactly like I did with my mom when she was alive. I was not allowed to be angry (my beliefs growing up) but she was allowed to vent all she wanted (thus, my “fuck off!” mentality)
She wasn’t on my bumper, but she was trailing close enough. Maybe 6 months back, I did a brake check on a woman sniffing my bumper. In about 10 seconds of time, I slowed down to about 10mph, so maybe she’d get the idea. But…who cares if she noticed anything at all, because I felt good about standing up for myself. And I didn’t do that today. That’s probably why I’m still angry.
When I noticed my withheld anger, I saw myself as small. And much less powerful to my “Mom” figure. And I just remembered: when I imagined a confrontation after I’d imagined stopping and her hitting me, I was completely in my head. So, in my imagination, I handled it. And as I came back to the moment, THAT’S when I sensed me not really being “allowed” to be angry at her.
This must be from DRLD, because I’ve felt a few things when thinking about my mother over the years–but real anger was NOT one of them.
What I’m feeling now is a jumbled pot of “avoided” feelings. Anger, grief, sadness, loss. Usually I go straight to feeling sorry for myself. --I don’t want to do that. Don’t know why…no, I’m wrong on that. I DO know why. Feeling sorry for myself is surrendering to believing I can’t change anything. Fuck that.
Feeling powerless to change anything has been such an bullshit hideout for me. Something’s changing, it’s holding its ground, and I like it.
This was spur of the moment. Unplanned, but desired. I took action.
Immediately after finishing that post, I went to my email…and terminated a business relationship with a woman I used for credit services maybe 10 years back. About 3 months back, I’d hired her to help me build a business profile–but she’s delivered nothing. I contacted her a week back, she said she tried to contact me (I found nothing from her), and she said she’d contact me in a day.
It’s been a week, and nothing from her. I fired her.
I am not powerless.
Edit: I’m still angry. I fired this lady, got a quick reply wondering why…but then I opened a video from a business I’ve looked into before. My “fuck it all” strategy wanted to burn bridges there too. I briefly imagined it.
Point: I should not instantly give away my bad attitude to everyone, since I’m pissed.
Cycle 2
Day 1
LB and DRLD customs this morning
3 minutes
I don’t know how to write honestly right now.
I’m so used to putting a shield up to hide myself.
I’ve never seen this. Not from any subliminal.
Since starting LB weeks back, I’ve had fleeting shots of feeling loved…embraced. Even safe at times. My mind’s been fighting it, playing some annoying (il)logical games. Resisting what I actually want. Continually shaming myself, just to win. Shame was used as a most powerful deterrent growing up.
I worked this morning, and I’ve been home since, fighting this same battle, but with new tools coming out…like truth.
15 minutes ago, I felt this clear voice rise within: “Are we allowed to do this?” I sensed DRLD at work. This was a genuine question seeking an answer. The voice seemed to come from a young person, but he was trying to pretend he’s older. So…it’s the real me.
I’ve been fighting the same battles, using the same tools, and getting the same powerless results for many years now.
This time, I’m losing my clutch-hold on what the truth actually is. Damn. DRLD is at work.
Day 2
DRLD tonight
Yesterday I was driving for work, and I remembered a song which I have actually heard 3 times this last week.
“Jesus, take the wheel” by Carrie Underwood
It brought me to tears every time. I’m even crying now thinking about it since… trusting people, or God, is not easy.
I’m matching this with repetitive dreams I had last night, clearly saying DRLD is working on me.
In the dream, I was driving somewhere. I was feeling good–meaning safe to keep going forward. Something happened (I’m not sure what) and in an instant, I flipped around. Part of me instantly said “No No No!!!” I wasn’t going to face something.
I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m feeling tested. Combine that with the tears of holding back my trust of others, and I’m a mush.
Also…my brother texted me yesterday since it was my birthday. I didn’t reply, and I turned my phone off when I got home from work.
I turned my phone on this morning, and a ding came up. My brother had texted me again, wondering if I got his text. I said I did but I was at work (I had just got in my car to leave. I wanted to disconnect from all the demands in my head). We texted back and forth for about 15 minutes. It was peaceful.
Trust. Me trusting others. This fear and hesitation comes from learning that for me to (maybe) be loved, I had to keep giving and giving and giving. I don’t trust this belief. LB seems to be showing me how to love myself.
I’ve got to let go of those old beliefs too.
Edit. The brother who texted is the one who damaged my trust when I was a pre-teen.
All of this wasn’t just some random coincidence.
Happy Birthday 