Changes - Round 2

Journals - Major Programs
#1

DRLD – 3 minutes last night
Genesis/LB custom–5 minutes this morning

I’m on my 2nd week of using DRLD, and I started with AOH. I began with Genesis this week, trading out AOH, since I’m taking weekends off, and a lot of processing happened last weekend, uncomfortably so. But since both DRLD and Genesis use emotional transmutation (it was awesome running Genesis 2 years back), I chose to utilize the Genesis/LB custom I made, hoping to smoothen the journey. It was my first listen of the custom, and it hit quickly

Why am I here?

I don’t have a good answer–because things are changing rapidly, so my “norms” and escapes, which I normally turn to, are losing all their normal power. I’m growing right now.

But why am I here now? Because–this is big for me–today DRLD walked me right into what I’ve known steers me, decides for me, and makes my major choices in life. Actually…every choice. Every day.

DRLD, the program I’ve dismissed and looked past repeatedly, walked me right into my abandonment feelings, the core reason I’ve had emotional difficulties in life. No physical memories. Nothing re-traumatizing. But I felt the truth of it. I realized this steers me around and away from relationships, which keeps me out of relationally demanding careers, away from…facing reality. This keeps me “safe”, which keeps me much less successful… Wow. I’ve been keeping myself “safe” forever.

I have no idea where this goes next…but I’ll share something I did 2 listens back and am considering redoing. I’ve been doing 3 minute loops since I ran Khan last year…but I wanted to listen to a full 5 minutes of DRLD. I feared some bad recon (remembering full loops on DR years back, hating the constant recon).

I didn’t have recon from overlistening. I felt different, but I wasn’t in obnoxious, continuous pain.

I DID have dreams of being comfortable with a woman, just being myself. I woke up feeling confident—AND NOT PRETENDING! I messaged someone here since this broke through all my self-constructed fears, me seeing what I WANT to do. I did 3 minutes of DRLD last night. Poor recall of dreams. I’m definitely considering doing 5 minutes tomorrow night.

Finally, I usually have something quick to paint myself as nice, attractive, and lovable as I’m easing out of my posts. I don’t have that presently. What’s more awesome is–I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. Smells like freedom!

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#2

Welcome Back :tada:

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#3

Thanks @Parsifal :hugs:

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#4

Day 11
DRLD tonight

Thought I’d come and just write, and something better happened while thinking about it.

I’ve been restless in recent days. DRLD has been doing it’s work, and part of me has been terrified. The little kid in me, the one thinking he’s been responsible for all the pain I’ve experienced (or imagined), feared he’d be punished. Or worse, abandoned.

But the strange irony is… I’ve abandoned myself. I pushed him away. DRLD is clearly helping me see that. I’ve feared him since I feared all the emotion. That’s also why I’ve been so dependent on others.

That connection with myself I’ve both feared and desired. And even as I write I’m having good and bad thoughts competing. DRLD is at work.

I never believed I’d actually… love, value, appreciate…me. This whole reality was so unexpected. So unseen.

I even just looked for my fantasy thinking… and it’s not within reach. I always went straight to hiding there when afraid. But that’s not happening. Unexpected.

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#5

Speaking about the little kid in you, maybe this book might be interesting

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#6

It’s Thursday night, and I just listened to 5 minutes of DRLD. I’m trying 5 minutes again to see if it shakes things up again.

When I got home, I did notice me imagining being kicked out of my place for very questionable things. Whenever I’m challenging things running me, I usually find myself projecting my thoughts and feelings onto others. It’s dark, as I see my shadow showing up.

It pointed back to fears of abandonment again.

Thanks for the suggestion @Parsifal.