Changes - Round 2

Journals - Major Programs
#1

DRLD – 3 minutes last night
Genesis/LB custom–5 minutes this morning

I’m on my 2nd week of using DRLD, and I started with AOH. I began with Genesis this week, trading out AOH, since I’m taking weekends off, and a lot of processing happened last weekend, uncomfortably so. But since both DRLD and Genesis use emotional transmutation (it was awesome running Genesis 2 years back), I chose to utilize the Genesis/LB custom I made, hoping to smoothen the journey. It was my first listen of the custom, and it hit quickly

Why am I here?

I don’t have a good answer–because things are changing rapidly, so my “norms” and escapes, which I normally turn to, are losing all their normal power. I’m growing right now.

But why am I here now? Because–this is big for me–today DRLD walked me right into what I’ve known steers me, decides for me, and makes my major choices in life. Actually…every choice. Every day.

DRLD, the program I’ve dismissed and looked past repeatedly, walked me right into my abandonment feelings, the core reason I’ve had emotional difficulties in life. No physical memories. Nothing re-traumatizing. But I felt the truth of it. I realized this steers me around and away from relationships, which keeps me out of relationally demanding careers, away from…facing reality. This keeps me “safe”, which keeps me much less successful… Wow. I’ve been keeping myself “safe” forever.

I have no idea where this goes next…but I’ll share something I did 2 listens back and am considering redoing. I’ve been doing 3 minute loops since I ran Khan last year…but I wanted to listen to a full 5 minutes of DRLD. I feared some bad recon (remembering full loops on DR years back, hating the constant recon).

I didn’t have recon from overlistening. I felt different, but I wasn’t in obnoxious, continuous pain.

I DID have dreams of being comfortable with a woman, just being myself. I woke up feeling confident—AND NOT PRETENDING! I messaged someone here since this broke through all my self-constructed fears, me seeing what I WANT to do. I did 3 minutes of DRLD last night. Poor recall of dreams. I’m definitely considering doing 5 minutes tomorrow night.

Finally, I usually have something quick to paint myself as nice, attractive, and lovable as I’m easing out of my posts. I don’t have that presently. What’s more awesome is–I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. Smells like freedom!

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#2

Welcome Back :tada:

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#3

Thanks @Parsifal :hugs:

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#4

Day 11
DRLD tonight

Thought I’d come and just write, and something better happened while thinking about it.

I’ve been restless in recent days. DRLD has been doing it’s work, and part of me has been terrified. The little kid in me, the one thinking he’s been responsible for all the pain I’ve experienced (or imagined), feared he’d be punished. Or worse, abandoned.

But the strange irony is… I’ve abandoned myself. I pushed him away. DRLD is clearly helping me see that. I’ve feared him since I feared all the emotion. That’s also why I’ve been so dependent on others.

That connection with myself I’ve both feared and desired. And even as I write I’m having good and bad thoughts competing. DRLD is at work.

I never believed I’d actually… love, value, appreciate…me. This whole reality was so unexpected. So unseen.

I even just looked for my fantasy thinking… and it’s not within reach. I always went straight to hiding there when afraid. But that’s not happening. Unexpected.

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#5

Speaking about the little kid in you, maybe this book might be interesting

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#6

It’s Thursday night, and I just listened to 5 minutes of DRLD. I’m trying 5 minutes again to see if it shakes things up again.

When I got home, I did notice me imagining being kicked out of my place for very questionable things. Whenever I’m challenging things running me, I usually find myself projecting my thoughts and feelings onto others. It’s dark, as I see my shadow showing up.

It pointed back to fears of abandonment again.

Thanks for the suggestion @Parsifal.

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#7

Day 12
No Genesis this morning

I’m not going to listen to Genesis this morning. Last Wednesday morning I did it, and it obstructed DRLD’s aim. And my 5 minute loop from last night is having a different effect this morning.

First off, I feel a sadness coming up. It’s not too powerful, but I sense DRLD doing something new.

I also feel a strength rising. The sadness and strength are connected, because I’ve not owned my strength in a while. That strength was carrying confidence too.

Yeah, the sadness makes sense. I’ve been playing like a helpless boy for a long time.

This is very good.

#8

Day 13
Rest day

I’m finding myself really holding back posting stuff.

Because I trained myself to listen to the “should’s”, the “must’s”, and anything that scared me. A lingering motivation has been “people will leave me if I don’t share”. I saw it in real life yesterday, me noticing something’s pushing me when I’ve been talking to others. It’s fear. People disengage quickly. They leave.

Here too.

Had some bad emotional recon yesterday, all focused on fearing people abandoning me. I even felt and expressed some unrestrained rage while alone. I usually never feel real rage. Since I didn’t restrain it, I didn’t hold onto it.

DRLD is most definitely at work.

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#9

Day 14

I’m still viewing myself as a wounded little boy.

I was reading someone’s journal, and I felt myself speaking out. But what I felt wasn’t mature. It was the kid in me.

I identified with him so long. I still do.

Being honest, my memories went straight to Dragon Reborn. My last run was most memorable. I made a custom with Chosen.

But what (draws) me into DR was (and is) the mindset shift. Seeing myself as more capable. More competent. Handling life with a belief that I could. I felt like…an actual man

I’m feeling shame. Sadness. I’ve been protecting this younger part of me… my entire life. I’ve hid him from others. Lying to myself so I’d be able to keep him with me.

Why did I do that?

Because the boy in me has been haunted by fears of abandonment. And I’ve listened and catered to him since most of life’s voices tell me to leave him. Shut him off. When I’ve shut him off, ignoring him… I’m all angry and alone. Still trying to hide that truth from others. Life is shit when I’ve done that. Misery and nothing else.

It was traumatic just recreating that in my mind.

I’ve still lived…am still living…in fear of others leaving me.

But … Wait… I’m projecting me onto everyone and anyone else.

I do this. I do this. I carry these fears every day. I hide in my room since I’ve carried some belief that others will make me happy.

And underneath…is the truth (or belief) that I will abandon myself when I go out (Sadness rose). Not sure why that runs me. It just does.

This reminds me of DR shares I’ve posted in years past. Times when everything’s clear.

Deep feelings are rising. But I’m considering different things. My normal choices hurt me.

So I have no idea what’s next (Still juggling between normal choices and new possibilities)

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#10

Day 15

DRLD 3 minutes last night

Why I love SC subs

I still feel a fear of abandonment… but something else is emerging.

I’m consistently sensing a growing disgust to being anyone’s tool. For years, I’ve been allowing it. This is unfamiliar to me… but I feel strong and capable. I’ve used subs where a strength was fortified yet another weakness was unaddressed and grew louder, diminishing the strength.

Not here. This was scripted so I could achieve the end goal.

This makes a major difference to me.

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#11

DRLD is moving on my limitations.

Less than an hour ago, I was remembering and imagining being on Emperor. Getting things done. Looking forward to challenges. Believing things were possible. (In the past, it was all the opposite)

In a sentence, I felt good about me. I’m loving this.

#12

True sappy story about today. Kind of long.

Another good thing happened today. My reactions are mixed. It’s hours later, and it’s finally hitting my emotions now, making me cry.

I got a call from one of our managers near the end of the day. He said he needed to talk to me–in person–he said he couldn’t do it over the phone. I couldn’t think of anything I’d done wrong, but my mind went there first. I assumed I’d been caught doing some minor error while driving. I’ve been…looking for reasons people wouldn’t want me around. Me imaging being fired, or me quitting. DRLD is working on this fear of abandonment…and I’ve been trying to allow it to happen. …believing it is all true.

I’ve had momentary rages while driving, sometimes tears streaming…a lot of spontaneous expression since starting DRLD. Anger, happiness, sadness, anything. I had no idea what to expect after the call…I kind of buried the paranoia, but I finally got back and went to the managers’ office.

The young, kind Latina manager was the only one there, talking to a worker. She saw me, not stopping her conversation. After waiting about 30 seconds, she was still talking, and I turned to head to the bathroom. She quickly called out, telling me to stay. I did. She is really kind, so I wasn’t nervous since she was handling the “bad” news.

She finished with the other worker and invited me in. Almost speaking delicately. And my worst fears were NOT confirmed.

She said she’d got wind that someone had been really rude to me, possibly bullying me. She wondered if it was a temporary worker I’d been with the last few weeks. I was thrown for a loop, as she had been really concerned. Near the end of her sharing, she said she was wanting to (seriously) hurt whoever did this to me.

I stood there thinking “people care about ME? …Why would they…?” Sounds strange, but I’ve been repeating those things to myself. More than I was aware.

I said a piece of my recent truth to the manager, that I have been more emotional lately since I’m working on some inside stuff (being purposely vague), but noone had been treating me like that. --I didn’t say this to her, but I know I’ve had anger and pain pop up, and DRLD has allowed me to express stuff while driving for work. I’ve told some imagined antagonists to F**K OFF!!–out loud. Our in-cab cameras can be set off if I scream or shout suddenly, and I did that a few times last week while in some recon. That’s what I really think happened. Someone watching the cameras probably thought I was reacting to my coworker.

And now, 4 hours later, I’m touched. Sappy. And I did just rewatch a sappy movie, allowing more sap. I’m still like…people actually care about me?

Evidence of that belief is I’ve been quietly pulling away from coworkers, “foreseeing” being rejected.

Irony, from me: I found myself being drawn to this caring woman. In the last 30 seconds, I felt myself pulling toward her, both emotionally and physically. I didn’t act weird or uncomfortable. I just saw myself, in my mind, wanting to seduce her. Speaking kindly. Returning the caring I felt.

It was all so touching.

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#13

Day 17
DRLD last night–5 minutes
LB/Sanguine custom this morning–3 minutes

I’m needing to puke out my thoughts. No apologies.

I’m beginning to see me holding myself back. I’m so USED to doing that. I woke up early, began making a module list for an Emperor/LB custom…and FEAR walked up.

“Why are you doing that?” Doubt.
“Who are YOU?” Doubt and fear
“And you want to write and tell others?”

—(Me now) Ahem…NO!! I’m doing this for ME. Because I LOVE and CARE about MYSELF. I need to know my own thoughts. (LB kicking in quick)

I am seeing and feeling my own resistance to moving forward. Right now. 5 minutes of DRLD is doing a very active work.

I came here initially to wonder about a module: the Synergy I AM ATMAN one. I’m hesitant…thinking I AM might do a distracting work in me

—as I wrote that I’m seeing that I actually brought on confusion and barriers–to keep me from growing (self-forgiveness is felt from LB). Again, I’ve held myself back. I’ve found every fear to say NO to myself.

And I’ll share. I had a flashback of my growing up years last night. My mindset. It simply came down to…I loved my mother and would do anything to…earn her love. (She was an alcoholic, constantly fearing her emotions and memories)

And everything from her was “No” or “We can’t”. No and can’t. Love, money, joy…happiness. Nothing was ok in her world. And I wanted her love. So I complied to her standards. --again, these are flashing through my mind like yesterday.

Wealth? “We CAN’T”
Hope? Never mentioned. Ever
Love? “I CAN’T. I don’t know how”

My whole world was blanketed with “CAN’T” and “NO”. My ENTIRE life. Everything was a big “NO!”

I’m using this same mindset. Subs are working on me. I’ve lived in fantasies…since “NO!” is sooooo unbearable. It’s all the opposite of loving myself. Fantasies gave better returns than feeling blocked every moment.

And NOW. My mind goes to …

Love. I’ve always ignored that one. No supply was given, or was in me.
Sex. It came with fears of someone knowing me. I shut that one down quickly
Money. Fears of failing and people abandoning me. I’ve ditched opportunities repeatedly.
Relationships. People always felt like a danger to my fragile ego–and I’ve wanted to BUST out from this cage I’ve lived in–because I created it

This is my life, how I’ve lived it, how I’ve survived. This is where I’ve been, and is where I am when I choose it (subs give me more options now).

Life is change. My mindset is “I’m kicking this to the curb”. Change isn’t the big barricade I thought it was for me. Thank you Saint and Fire. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Edit. I think I’ll definitely put in I AM: ATMAN. It’s all about removing limits.

#14

I had a tough day. Felt defeated in the morning at work. I thought it was normal recon since I couldn’t make sense of it.

But as it geared up, I realized and realize that LB was kicking my reality’s ass. It was afternoon, and I realized I was trying to hold onto my old reality–like my life depended on it. I even had one point where I realized I could cry from the stress, like a submission to a better way of life. I’ve read stories of guys using old alpha subs, and after hanging on as long as they could, they broke. I felt like that’s what I was going though.

#15

Day 18
DRLD tonight

I keep looking for things to make me feel secure

#16

I had I AM ATMAN in a Ascension/ Lovebomb Custom last year.
It was one of the most fast acting modules I’ve encountered so far.
Did it cause recon? Yes.
Was it bearable? Yes.

I would recommend using it with Emotions Unfettered and Way of Understanding.
This combination unlocked something in me.
First I noticed how I felt, then I picked the feelings apart and then I started to understand why I felt that way.
What were the root causes in the past, what triggered the emotion in the now, and then I was able to work so much better with these emotions.

Stay Strong.

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#17

Day 19
LB Sanguine custom last night - 3 minutes
Will do Emperor this morning - 3 minutes

@Parsifal I have never used Emotions Unfettered before. What it reminded me of was Renaissance Man. I felt my emotions a lot on it. It made me very aware of them. I’ll pick it up

I began questioning myself as I’ve been building my custom. Emperor is already an everything sub. I ran Emperor two listens back, and I began picking up Executive modules. 2 of them because I was fully alive that day.

Then… yesterday I began being more objective.

Healing and relationships have been my focus. LB will be in there, and like last year, it was very busy initially. I did 3 minutes last night and I feel heavy. Digging just a little, I’m feeling emotions but I’m repressing a lot.

So, yeah, Emotions Unfettered might really help.

Feeling heavy affects everything. Heading to work soon, and that heavy drag makes me think it’ll be a shit day for productivity.

–A major truth: I can do so much more when I’m not stuffing my emotions all day.

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#18

I just listened to Emperor. I feel it reframing my thoughts. I felt it while listening. Nice :+1:

#19

Maybe you’ll find some inspiration from my Ascendet Love custom.

Screenshot_20250725_121548_Foxit PDF Editor
Screenshot_20250725_121548_Foxit PDF Editor1038×1420 138 KB

I see some basic similarities since we have similar challenges and I chose Ascension and Lovebomb whereas you chose Ascensions bigger Brother Emperor with Lovebomb.

These are the core modules of the custom. The rest was just to much fluff, I just wanted but probably didn’t really need.

  • New Emotional Healing Experience

  • Divine Self Image

  • Emotions Unfettered

  • Pride Unbroken

  • Synergy: I AM ATMAN

  • Way of Understanding

  • Synergy: Breath of the storms
    Was kind of a safety measure against to much inner turmoil from Emotions Unfettered and I AM ATMAN.

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#20

A major thing happened today. Didn’t see this coming.

I was running a route under a coworker/supervisor. He’s quick to make jabs, as he’s an a-hole–but I usually keep my distance. I didn’t see anything coming.

After lunch, I called him seeking a plan for getting my route done, like what was most important since it wouldn’t all be completed. He threw a jab at me, not in fun at all, but a real dig, and I got off the phone maybe 20 seconds later.

That dig…broke through all pretenses and denials I use when interacting with him. Like…it went straight to the little boy in me who was rejected and abandoned during my childhood. I got so mad sitting in my truck that, being clear, I wanted to kill him. I was that mad. I’ve never felt so angry. It wasn’t an injured adult fuming, it was the scared, hurt kid who’s never been given the time of day to air this. My coworker’s words were a serrated knife of rejection. They ripped and tore though my (self-imposed) lies to myself. I was ANGRY!!

What I’ve understood since then:

  • I’ve had him on a pedestal, a “big brother who would never do me wrong” pedestal. I’ve done it with multiple men in my life. Anywhere and everywhere I go. I began DRLD hoping to change …something…unsure since I’ve held to it so tightly. I’ve even guarded it.

  • Originally, I was so enraged that I gave serious intention to saying I never want to work with him again. Going straight to our district manager who’s steering our department presently. The main reason I pulled back from this is…fearing job loss if I admitted I had wanted to kill him. Serious liability threats for a company from such an admission.

  • I knew (remembering a hypnotist’s message) that I just needed to sit with my feelings. I did cut off my route since this was preoccupying my mental space. Normally (all the time) I bury these feelings.

  • And…I felt…my true thoughts and feelings. No “maybe I…” None of that. I knew why I was enraged. The coworker used a tiny needle (his cutting words) to pop my emotional balloon, and EVERYTHING came out…even a sense of loss from so many years ago.

  • And what I realized early on: I did Emperor this morning, with LB last night. I haven’t used DRLD in 3 days…but I knew DRLD was working here–the things I call normal but aren’t healthy.

To sum up my day…Holy f**king shit! I didn’t see this coming.

P.S. A change—I don’t feel sorry for myself…(This is AWESOME!!!)

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