I have 2 cats and I love them dearly. But both have health issues, and one recently underwent major surgery, so it’s been a difficult few weeks.
But looking at them right now, I can feel my heart open up and envelope them with my love. I’m blessed to be sharing this life journey with these two little derps.
I have a “survivalist” custom based on Spartan + Survival Instinct that could be really interesting to stack with CWON.
Holiday weekends are nice, but I was completely swamped with work yesterday so I barely got to leave the house.
But I was thinking a lot about purpose.
What I know is, I don’t care about IT, or the finance industry I work in. I woke up yesterday feeling annoyed that I was going back to a job that doesn’t mean anything to me other than an income. This technology, that technology, whatever.
My career in IT has been good to me, it’s relatively interesting, pays very well, and has allowed me to live and work on 3 different continents. No complaints. But I don’t care about it.
I’m open to exploring alternatives. Maybe CWON can help.
Minimal recon from my first loop, so I’ll try 2 loops of CWON today.
A couple of weird things to mention. I’m not sure if they’re related to CWON, but wanted to record it here in case it comes up again.
On Monday after my first loop I spent the day working outside. Normally I get mild hayfever around this time of year, but on Monday is was really severe, but is almost gone now. And yesterday the neuropathy in my left arm and leg that disappeared after running my Paragon custom, came back with a vengeance. For a couple of hours it was the worst it’s ever been, then it disappeared completely again.
My guess is they’re both just temporary healing crises triggered by bloom from my Paragon custom, but CWON appears to also target “natural health” so there may be some connection.
The healing wouldn’t have caused this. It’s very light, minimal scripting. I suffer from neuropathy too, in my legs and finger tips, but it’s caused by caffeine, pastas, etc.
The emotional stability and balance from CWON is really quite something. I had to do something today I normally find really stressful, but this time it felt almost like an external emotion - I could acknowledge the stress but wasn’t feeling it in my body at all.
There’s a thunderstorm going through here right now. It’s pitch black, but the lightening illuminating the pond, through the trees and the rain, has a surreal, dreamlike quality to it. I get a lot of thunderstorms up here, and stopped paying attention long ago, but I’m feeling a reawakened appreciation for the beauty of it.
Haiku poetry is quite beautiful.
It, traditionally, is only meant to capture one still moment in nature. Or one brief instant of time, if you’re a rebel that goes outside of nature. It’s meant to be purely sight and observationally-based.
Your comments on the thunderstorm feels like you’re taking a haiku-poet’s level of appreciation to nature, now!
You could even write a haiku (5-7-5),
Pitch Black - Lightning Strikes! (5 syllables)
Illuminating the pond (7 Syllables)
Through the trees and rain (5 syllables)
Or, you could write a Tanka! (5-7-5-7-7)
Lightning strikes the pond! (5 syllables)
Illuminating the dark (7 syllables)
Through the trees and rain. (5 syllables)
Feeling a reawakened (7 syllables)
Sense of Appreciation (7 syllables)
Another example of this today. Something occurred which normally makes me angry, but when it happened I started to react, through habit I guess, then immediately realized there was no anger there at all. So I just sighed and dealt with it instead.
It was actually kind of weird.
Linking this to the CWON thread.
(Tell me if you want me to delete that link.)
@bujin I discover your thread on this sub, thanks to @Malkuth
You call it emotional stability and balance, I call it inner peace, it is a fantastic feeling, 100% stronger than with Sanguine.
How was your listening twice the same day ?
Nice thank you for sharing! Which one would you say was better for you for productivity and intelligence? Limitless or stark? (For technical things)
For me, definitely Limitless. Stark seems to bring out more of the social side of me. Combining them in a custom felt like a good idea. But I build it just before CWON arrived, so I’ve only done a couple of loops. 
Soon though.
The last few days feel like something changed, but I don’t really know what. The emotional stability is new, sure. But this is something else. Like I’ve changed in some way, but I can’t quite put my finger on how. There’s also some inner turmoil below the solid emotional control, it’s noticeable but feels distant.
My busy week after the holiday weekend limited my time outside during the week, but I’m expecting perfect weather this weekend so will make the most of it.
Fine, no real recon, but it felt a bit unnecessary.
I was playing with my cats earlier, and there was undeniably a deeper connection there. As they looked at me, I could feel their absolute trust and love for me. That sense of connection was almost physical in its intensity.
And when I look at my property - the trees rustling in the breeze and casting dappled shadows, the prolific undergrowth attesting to the richness of the soil, the pond with a layer of green duckweed hiding countless aquatic creatures, the mamma ducks with their ducklings paddling away at high speed whenever I’m near, the squirrels chasing each other through the trees in a line 4 or 5 deep, even the cloud of gigantic insects swarming around the pond - I feel a sense of joy and gratitude for what I have. I’m surrounded by vibrant life, and I can feel my love for it slowly deepening as I watch.
But there’s also an odd sadness I can feel quivering deep down. I don’t know what it is, I can just feel the edges of it, but it’s there.
This has come up multiple times. Is this new since you ran CWON? It could be that you have so much stability, you’re suppressing less because you dont need to suppress emotions anymore. Then again, it could be nature and the realization of all its aspects, both great and terrible. It’s hard to love the world so much and realize even the most beautiful flowers will wither and die.
I havent journaled on it yet, but today I felt a happiness that was so profound that it made me sad and I shed a few tears for the fact that I hadnt felt that happy and free in so long. The idea that i didnt have the emotional freedom I have now actually made me grieve for the pain of my past self.
Do you think any if those could be why you’re sad?
Perhaps it’s new, or perhaps I’m only noticing it now. I feel that some emotional barriers have lifted, so it may simply be these emotions are just now coming into my conscious experience.
You know, I don’t think I really care about the ‘why’ anymore. There are countless layers of logic and explanation I could wrap around these emotions, but I don’t want to. I’d rather just experience what is.
Full disclosure, I felt a spike of irritation when I read that. I’m sitting here experiencing everything around me at an emotional level, but as soon as I read that it started to pull me straight back into my head by demanding that I analyze what I’m feeling.
So no, I won’t do that. It’s not really what you wrote, I just don’t want to go there right now.