I’ve been thinking through a lot of things today while I was outside working, and I wanted to write them down to help get them straight in my head. It meanders a bit, and goes into some “spiritual” areas, but ultimately describes why I created Leonidas.
I might delete this post in a few days though, I don’t like revealing so much of myself. But sometimes you just need to write this stuff down somewhere.
I grew up in the suburbs, but ever since I moved out of my parent’s home I’ve lived in big cities - Sydney, London and New York. I indulged in what they had to offer - bars, museums, festivals etc. I hated doing any kind of manual work, and never enjoyed sport much. I entered a career that kept me in an office, where I parked my arse in front of a computer for 10 hours a day. Although I exercised somewhat, I was soft. But life was good, and I enjoyed both my professional and social lives.
Fast forward to around ten years ago. My career had progressed immensely, but there was something missing in my life, a sense of lack that drove me into depression, but I didn’t know of what. By happenstance (or not?) I met a traditionally trained shaman, now living in rural England of all places. I had doubts, but after some discussion I decided to do an Ayahuasca ceremony with them. The experience was profound. It certainly wasn’t the usual “tourism” Ayahuasca ceremony where you see lots of pretty lights and puke a bit, then go home feeling happy. This was deep and dark.
I felt my body driven into the earth and eaten by worms, digested and excreted to form itself anew. I spent hours with my head hanging over a bucket, delving deep into myself, unearthing and exploring the darkest aspects, and expelling indescribable substances each time I did. I could see energy parasites swimming in the effluence in the bucket. When there was nothing left, I saw a vine spring up from the earth, and grow through my spine and up to the heavens, and a bolt of lightening strike down from the heavens, through the front of my body, and into the earth. I was a conduit between heaven and earth, and was connected to and part of both, and their energies flowed through me. A blazing sun flared up inside me, and burned hot. This was my masculine essence, awakened and unleashed. I felt like a god, bright and glorious and immense.
That’s just a fraction of what happened that night, but it’s the most relevant. The ceremony had, unexpectedly, initiated my journey into true manhood, and over my course of several months I changed, leaving behind parts of myself I had outgrown. But this transformation never stopped, just slowed down, and I’ve been changing ever since.
Fast forward again, to 4 years ago, I was living in a large luxury apartment on the water next to NY’s Hudson Bay, with stunning views of the bay. I used to go to some of Manhattan’s finest bars on a regular basis, and my commute to work was only a few minutes. I made very good money. I genuinely loved the lifestyle, and I was content.
But then, suddenly, I changed again. Over the space of a couple of months I began to understand that I needed to explore other parts of myself. I’d achieved what I wanted here, this part of my life was done.
I bought 20 acres of woodland in upstate New York, with a small house and lots of wildlife, and eventually moved there full time. I grew vegetables. I baked my own bread. I cut down trees. I chopped wood for the fireplace. I carved out trails around the property. I dug up and reformed the land around the house. I learned to do repairs and renovations on my house. I learned to fix and maintain small engines. I learned how to make things with my hands, from resources on my own property. I learned to work with wood. I learned how to shoot a rifle and a bow. I learned to hunt. I learned to safely forage for wild plants and fungi. I learned to be aware of possible dangers around me. I learned the ways and cycles of the land and the wildlife around me. This was the piece I needed, a primal masculinity, a (mostly) self-sufficient man who could take care of himself and deal with anything that happened.
Some things though, like digging up tree stumps by hand - that shit is fucking brutal.
When I looked at my friends and colleagues with their pot bellies and skinny legs, and their safe and contented lives, all I saw was their slow descent into infirmity. You’re either growing or you’re wilting - there’s no in-between. At 48 my health is still good, and I believe that I can still become the strongest, fittest, healthiest and most powerful version of myself.
I’ve said in the past that I use subs for self exploration. I created Leonidas to help me explore aspects of my masculinity. Martial, survival, physical and mental strength, independence and a sense of personal power. And so far I’m very happy with it. I’ve felt my vision of the man I want to become further solidify and come to the surface.
That’s why I’ve been out busting my arse this last week, doing shit I could easily just pay someone to do for me with machinery. Because I can. And because it’s hard. And because it feels good once it’s done. I’ve also started tackling those tree stumps. My rewards are the new blisters and callouses on my hands, and the aches in my body every night, that show I’ve pushed myself that little bit further each day than I have before.
And besides, if you always take the easy road, what do you do when there are no easy roads left to take?
(That last bit might be Survival Instinct talking)
