Building a solid Base

Journals - Major Programs
#120

Day two of my journal

Today was deep again.
I had another session with my fiance, looking at my feeling of worthlessness.
We finally arrived at a couple of situations of rejection from my father. I basically grew up without knowing him. I saw him a couple of times. But a real connection was never built.
He often promised to visit. But almost just as often, he canceled last minute.
It left this deep feeling of rejection, of being not wanted. Of not being worth anything.
I started crying.
When my subconscious was tasked with creating the healing, suddenly Jesus held my younger self in his arms and guided my eyes to the heavenly father. And suddenly I felt a warmth pulsing in my whole body.
I knew that meditating isn’t enough. I need to start to talk to God again. From eye to eye. He has all the fatherly love I need.
And suddenly I understood why God is depicted as a father in Judeo Christian believes.
Father’s are much more often absent from their children’s life’s than mothers.

Afterwards I started reading a book on masculinity (I had 7 on the shortlist) that somehow grabbed my attention more than the others: Wild at heart. Discovering the secret of a man’s soul
And after reading only 40 pages I knew it was another synchronicity. It spoke about all the topics mentioned in the post above, that I discovered for myself in the last couple of days, like seeking adventure, connecting with God, etc.

Tomorrow we’re off to visit my fiancees hometown to get her bike that the police found after it being stolen 5 years ago.
First time I’m gonna see this town.

@AlexanderGraves
After listening to my heart, it feels like spending another month with stage 1 to deepen the effect.

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#121

Both of us slept miserably today. Perhaps in anticipation of what was awaiting us, her, when visiting her hometown, the place of a miserable childhood and abuse.

Got the bike. Visited her hometown. A town famous for leaf gold. A beautiful city with many old buildings.

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And two parakeets in a bookstore.

We had lunch at an Japanese restaurant. The panko chicken I had, had a very distinct taste, I couldn’t determine at first. Finally I realized it’s lychee. When I asked the waitress, she declined at first, but the chef was near by, heard our conversation and confirmed my finding. He said, I was the very first one to notice ever since he opened his restaurant. I must have a very fine sense of taste.

To finish of the nostalgia tour, we visited the town she lived in, when we met and had a slice of the most fantastic pizza I’ve ever eaten at a street vendor.

After 14 hours on tour, we just came back. Going straight to bed. We’re properly exhausted.

1 Like
#122

Same. Best stuff fr fr

#123

Listened to GM yesterday for 15 minutes. Forgot KB1.
Do I really forget listening to one sub, or is it the care scripting?

Also two interesting observations

  1. Gaming starts to feel kinda shallow. It’s still interesting, but by far not as captivating as in the past.

  2. I noticed, that I’m dreaming of my classmates for weeks now. Could be KB. It started this year when I started with KB and Phoenix. Or it’s still Phoenix blooming.
    I don’t know what it means. I was heavily bullied in school. But I didn’t see most of them for almost 15 years now.
    But whenever I remember a dream, it was with classmates.

#124
Weightloss

Also very interesting, I dared to stand on the scale today. Last time I weighed myself, I was at 117,3 kg. And I wasn’t eating very healthy in the last couple of weeks. Especially yestereve I had a giant portion of pasta before going to bed.
Seeing me on Fotos I felt fater then ever.
So, understandably, I had a very bad feeling about my weight.
But I felt like I had to face my weight if I want to start loosing it.
And surprisingly my weight was 114,3 kg. That’s 3 kg or almost 7 pounds less than when I weighed myself the last time.
I honestly have no good explanation for this.
I did a dance workout for 15 minutes three times.
Not worth 1 kg of body fat.
I think it must be connected to my selfworth issues I’m targeting atm. Reducing its negative impact might be the driving force behind my otherwise unexplainable weightloss.

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#125
One epic Dream

I had the strangest dream tonight.
I was back at my university, studying the law of attraction. I found the most astonishing book on LoA I’ve ever read. The ideas were so different than everytthing I’ve read so far. Then I woke up. I wanted to take a few notes but was to sleepy and didn’ wanna wake my fiancee.
All I can remember is the concept, that I should start to write a Journal of my future self, about having achieved my dreams.
I don’t know if it’s the result of any of the subs, but I was never before so hyped when waking up after a dream.

Dreams in General

Another interesting observation about my dreams is, that I regularly dream about my old classmates and my old religious community. I believe there’s a lot of healing happening in this department. It might be the blooming of Phoenix or KB, since both groups had a certain influence on my sexual issues.

I ran one loop of LB so far. Results are amazing. I plan to run KB plus LB on one day, and GM on the other day seperate.
I need to track my listening inn my journal again.

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#126

Bro, you’re levelling up into Paladin?

Awesome.

#127

Leveling up is always good and I like paladins.
But somehow you’ve lost me :sweat_smile:

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#128

Oh, sorry for lack of context!

I was referring to these images you posted some days ago. :slight_smile:
It’s a very fantasy Paladin look.

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#129

No wonder you’ve lost me. That was two months ago :sweat_smile:

Yeah, I was looking for something representing my goals, ideals and subs I was running at that time. KB and Phoenix.

Dropped Phoenix for now, but I’m feeling the bloom stronger than at the time I was actually listening.

And the paladin is fitting still… Tomorrow I’m visiting my first Ren’fair this year.
Sadly probably as a muggle since I don’t have historical clothing fitting for this cold and slightly rainy weather. But we’ll see.

Once I’ve found a good enough job, I will definitely buy some clothes fitting for this weather.

2 Likes
#130

Listening Day 7
15 minutes of GM

Dreams

Another interesting night. My first dream hit me directly after falling asleep. It was one of those that make you flinch. Earlier that day, I was pruning some apple trees. It was raining quite some days last week, so the earth was soft and mushy. When I was climbing down the ladder, suddenly its left foot sunk until its first rung into the ground, and I fell off the last 2.5 meters. Nothing major happened, a slightly sprained ankle and a few bruises. But still I was a little shaken afterwards. Shaken enough, that I dreamed of the deed, flinching and waking up the fiancee for good. No she was shaken…

Later that night, I had another remarkable dream, similar to that one the night ago.
I discovered a device that made me see another sphere of being. After playing around a bit, I noticed a secret code to enter, and suddenly I was able to talk to those beings I was seeing in this other sphere. They then told me, that its rather normal to able to talk to them, but some evil people created a jammer device that locks us out of this sphere, block our possibilities to connect with them, but with this device I was circumventing their jammer.

And again, it was dream that left this feeling of “oh my God, what was this, this felt like a revelation”. I never had such dreams before in my life.
I don’t wanna interpret to much into it. I only notice that something definitely changed about my dreams in General.

I’m still feeling this bliss moments of LB when being outside and seeing spring reviving nature.

I’m still anxiously awaiting a process that my system said is necessary to solve my self worth issues. I don’t know who knows of Family Constellations, its similar to that, only that I get into a constellation with my higher self to clear everything that hinders our relationship.
I had some pretty amazing results when doing this exercise for others.
But on the other hand its somehow frightening.

#131

On another note:
Since I started to run KB1 for full 15 minutes this cycle (Beginning of this month),
I had no sexual urges anymore. There was one time of a bit curiosity about something pornographic, but I didn’t act on it. I didn’t even consider checking it out.
In the past often there was this curiosity that made me check something out, just for the matter of curiosity. But later on it led to a relapse using porn/ playing games and PMO.
But now, even this curiosity is almost completely gone.
So only two more days of KB1 in this cycle, then the washout and then KB2 will start.
I’m already excited.

#132

Listening Day 8
15 Minutes KB1 15 Minutes LB

Dreams

I noticed that lately many dreams were build around traumatic topics like schoolmates (bullying), love interests (rejection) and the last few days around spiritual revelations (so to say). Tonight I dreamt that my Grandmother was calling my mother her voice filled with panic. Might that be a signal, that the traumatic topic of “family” starts to resurface in dreams? I woke up from this dream with a racing heart.

Fears

It might also be connected to yesterday. I went to the Ren’ fair I mentioned. My mother had announced that she will come too, later, with a friend. But she neither arrived, nor did she answer my messages. A part of me was in constant fear that when I get home I would find out that something terrible had happened to her. As it turned out, they went to a different event and she just didn’t notice me or check her phone as all.

Also, I had this strange feeling of unease throughout the day. I couldn’t name it. It felt just off. Like I forgot something important, that could lead to my demise. It’s still lingering but intangible.

Porn

There was another “porn”-situation/temptation. It was one of this “just out of curiosity” temptations. But the same moment I was tempted, another voice in my head said “That’s a stupid Idea” and my whole being agreed.
It seems temptations get reduced more and more. I have one last loop of KB1 on Friday and than its processing for stage 2, starting Saturday the week after. Excitement is rising.

#133
Job

I’m still without a job. But I start to understand the underlying reasons. I think I mentioned it above, that it’s all a matter of self-worth. I want a job in sales. But due to my low value, I don’t feel like I will get anything in that area. Last December I wrote an application for a scrapyard office position. And it wasn’t any problem. Now, with sales, I can barely get myself to work on the application. And when I actually start, I rarely write more than one or two paragraphs.
Now my mom mentioned a job at a gas station with minimum wage and it feels much easier to accomplish.
And I think I will try it this way:

  1. Get a job that I can manage while taking care of my grandma
  2. Listening to LB and working on my self-love and self-worth
  3. trying to get a better job on a more solid base.
#134

Listening Day 9
15 min KB1 15 min GM

Since KB and LB lead to serious irritability I decided to go back to KB and GM and listen to LB separately.

That also means, I get another day of KB1 this cycle. Sweet.

Today there was again this short temptation about porn-curiosity. It was about the female main character from Assassin’s creed valhalla. Again this nagging thought “Just look for a moment if you can find porn of her”.
But again, one resulte no and the thought was silent.

#135
Smoking

I picked up the habit of smoking early last year (14-15 months ago).
In the beginning the nicotine hit me very strongly. After some time I got used to it.

Now, for 1-2 weeks, can’t remember exactly, I get these strong nicotine hits again.
I don’t know if one of the subs is responsible. Basically, it’s a reaction to the toxic nature of nicotine.
I think it might either be LB, which I started a week ago. Because poisoning yourself isn’t a sign of high self love.
Or it could be KB1, tempering with my energetic system.

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#136

That’s good. Maybe I should try LB. I’m supposed to be on my day three of quitting and I failed just half an hour ago.

There’s one instance I remember, I woke up with immense sadness. I felt very sorry for my body, and for all the junk I’ve put it through, and I wanted to take care of it as well as possible.

It’s a strange feeling and emotion and yet it was genuine. I felt love for my physical body, my health, my well being.

I was test running either LoTS or Spartan at the time. Foolish of me not to strike while the iron was hot. I could have done some real change back then for my body.

#137

As I said, I can’t pinpoint this to LB or KB1.

But I know this feeling. A few weeks back I switched to menthol cigarette tube and it tasted much better. Suddenly I thought, why not stop then?
As if I felt like smoking was a constant pain I inflicted on myself for some unknown reason.
The same when during winter the smoke stank much more intensly.

#138

The Big Porn Liberation

After my last porn relapse, I decided it’s time for another approach. Since I decided I want to stop using porn in all its variations I knew about anti porn apps. We tried some blockers, but they never worked or were easy to circumvent.
But the company advertised their new accountability app that works with screenshots.
It wasn’t convincing since it only worked with a narrow range of Browsers. So I didn’t get it.

This time, I did a bit more research and found a provider that didn’t have any loopholes I was able to find. (PM me if you want the name).

We now installed it on all our phones we daily use and my office laptop. Now thw app sends screenshots in random intervals in-between 90 seconds in average to the supervising account.

For me, it means drastically reduced temptation since I know my fiancee will get a screenshot most probably.
For my fiancee it means drastically reduced fear of me relapsing and being secretive about it. Because she simply cam see what I’m up to.
We’ve also agreed, that images aren’t blurred so I don’t get in trouble when Cider adds pop up on social media.
And text isn’t blacked out, so I can’t switch to erotic stories.

Every loophole I could imagine is covered. And every loophole my fiancee could think of didn’t work out either.

This is to usher in a new era of trust in our relationship.

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#139

Getting a job

Today I made the first step I outlined a few posts above. I started to get my first regular job.

It’s nothing spectacular, just at the counter of the local gas station. But I was super excited. I postponed it a few days.
But today I asked my fiancee to come along as emotional support. And she did. I was asked to leave my number and that was it. The manager will call me.
It’s all nightshift (5-10pm). So it’s no problem with caring for my grandmother.
I only fear a bit, that I will have to work most weekends, so no more going out.
But we’ll see.
It’s just for a short time to get me started and build self-worth.