Budewr’s journal

Journals - Major Programs
#381

Slept for 12 hours and the sleep quality i wouldnt say its good

Its my off day though, so its expected to be more fatiguing than a regular listening day

Interesting dreams though,

Some old people who i don’t consider as friends at all came over to my house

Those 5 people used to bully me in middle school, and i used to have lots of fights with them and i used to be scared of them

They had lots of friends and relatives that could beat me up

And theyre filthy rich, they used to be with me in class its a private school

So those 5 people my memory of them being they used to bully me and make fun of me and also pick fights with me, and sometimes talk shit about me

I had no love for them, matter of fact i was scared of them sometimes scared to face them it was a bit tough for me since a i was a middle school kid 7th grade 8th grade like that

But in my dream. They were in my home watching a movie with me, and they were respectful to me and they liked me? Which was weird cause I honestly dont want their approval

But what i felt in the dream that they were like friends and they were super respectful and laughed at my jokes and we watched a movie at my home

Thats a strange ass dream, but maybe its related to Emperor somehow?

And also other weird dreams that i cant explain it’s literally lots of stuff mixed up together im even having a hard time remembering and making sense of that dream

Maybe its cuz my off day that im feeling tired even tho i slept for 12 hours, and also maybe that why bunch of weird dreams

#382

im not sure if its emperor or me or both

but im being more productive and more focused on my goals

small minor productivity and drive above my bassline

had to journal that

its like i can discipline myself and say straightly NO

no you wont have this, not i wont check my notifications and stuff like such

1 Like
#383

i love watching videos about the subconscious mind

im watching a tv series of bruce lipton

damn i love this guy

and im so happy that im working on myself and reprogramming my reality damnnnn this is so gooood

1 Like
#384

its like i tighten up a littlie bit from the inside and say simply no, even if its not comfortable sometime

like i was gonna order food just half an hour ago, but its getting late to my bed time

so i choose to not order food (which is out of my comfort)

to have an easy night for my digestive system to rest and sleep without no pressure of digesting while im asleep

honestly i was kinda shocked from my behavior

usually ill order and dont think about the consequences, now i am aware of those consequences and simply choose to not do that,

cuz if i do , i wont have a good night sleep, ill probably wake up late and mess up my whole day

so thats interesting , im very optimistic about how stuff is going to be

#385

Woke up very early, it feels like my body knows the time and knows whats up!:sunglasses:

Had a beautiful dream, that me and one of my friends are back talking! Shes a friend i got to know in 2018 from russia moscow

I was there for the world cup, such a nice soul and wonderful person

But ive been trying to reach her, but she doesnt seem to respond, so im not really sure if she’s ignoring me or that she didnt see my msgs

However in my dream she reached me and we talked !! I wanna contact her so bad shes such an amazing person i woke up so happy from the dream

#386

turned out she blocked me when i reached and followed to her instagram which is weird

idk if she thought im someone else cause i changed from 2018 till 2021 right now

in 2018 i looked different and i was fat

but meh, maybe she got something in her head that told her to block me, its alright either ways i just wanted to contact her and catch up

#387

also i cannot wait for that day that ill be free from this bullshit comfort zone

oh boy this gon be good,

but im working right now with it, but im sure it will only last so long

#388

i feel small improvements in terms of working and stuff
but im not too sure, id give it another week or 2 to see if thats emperor or not

#389

started to take things more seriously i say no to simply any thoughts that dont serve me, any old pattern i just keep killing it

i have to embrace the discomfort thats the way to grow

growth is uncomfortable, life is all about that

end of story

also my HD 280 PRO got delivered today so im happy

1 Like
#390

today was a kind like an off day,

whats interesting is scrolling through social media and just trying to waste time doing anything doesnt do the trick for me anymore

which is something i wanted,
i wanted things that are in their essences are meaningless, to be meaningless to me and not care about it

and here i am getting bored out of my ass from social media and doing nothing like a zombie

the only that feeds my soul is my purpose nothing more

for a greater tomorrow !

#391

maybe its not a healthy approach, but its an optimal approach for the time being

that nothing feels fulfilling but my goal itself so i work my ass off

#392

the 5 am club book is really helping me cut through the sleepness cycle

now i sleep at 10 pm
wake up at 5 am

that way i have so much time to deal and do my own work and focus on music and food and other things in life

yesterday i worked on my music for 3 hours which is huge for me

but it wasnt straight 3 hours i got distracted a bit but i worked on my track which is great :smiley:
im close to finishing it

this is my first track id say, im forcing myself through arranging a whole say rather than just putting ideas and moving to the other ones

it has to be a complete project

#393

i relapsed, i freaking hate porn hahahahah worst creation in humanity

but its okay. its part of the journey to fail and fail and fail, and try again and again and again.

porn or sex triggers primal animalsh like instinct id say its one of the most hardest thing to gain control of

3 Likes
#394

also yesterday was super weird

went out, and lots of stuff happened that felt like shit

#395

I know what you mean, I used to be soo addicted myself. Nowadays I very rarely watch any porn anymore, and if I try it just looks so plastic and fake.

But if I do watch any I’m never hard on myself, I’m just acknowleding it and try to do it as consciously as possibly. By self-loathing IMO oppinion you are just making it worse. I remember back in the days when I used to count the number of days and so on, and it was just saying to a child “don’t do this”, and the same with niccotine.

But deep down I knew I would do it again, and my mind was looking for opportunities all the time, and when I finally did it was like going to a buffet and I became high as a kite, but crashed soon after.

Best ways to quit anything is IMO becoming more aware and not feed it. And if you are hard on yourself, you push it back and it will resurface. Take back when I was doing nicotine puches, I forgot bringing any on a vacation and they did not sell any in that country. I forgot about it and did not have any withdrawal symptoms.

Wrote this in my diarry yesterday:
“If you push something away, it’s still got you, it’s still there!”

1 Like
#396

i realize day after day

if i just solve my issue with being in the present moment,

that all suffering and addictions like porn or stuff like the comfort will just vanish out of eternity

its like its the eternal answer

here and now, i have to practice more and more and train also to be mindful of the moment and feel my inner body

that way any feelings or anything would be just a thing thats passing through me, not me

yeah i was a bit hard on myself, cuz i got used to the idea of counting days and stuff.

but im sure its just matter of time till i dump this bad habit, like ive dumped lots of bad habits

1 Like
#397

damm i miss that confidence from starkQ, and everything from it

it was super fast acting i could see my reality quickly changing

i wonder why i havent experienced anything yet? like confidence and other factors from emperor?

the work aspect and striving towards goal is hard to judge, cause im both working and maybe letting emperor push me

but stark within 3 weeks, i had super confidence which was amazing

now im even doubting that i downloaded maybe the wrong file of emperor or my pc glitched somehow and im listening to something else,

its gonna be 3 months of emperor very soon, in 8 days

and still im not seeing anything worth mentioning

i mean, theres probably something going on right? its not normal .what the fuck is happening?

#398

i think anyone working with a stack of 3 subs,

2 Q and one Ultima would probably notice some stuff after 3 months in ,

QLST1 was 2 months and it said thats it normal for small gains, i started QLST2 1 month ago and nothing is going on

bro this is bs whats happening to me, what the fuck

am i going to wait 9 years for results to appear ?

#399

now im really thinking about dropping QL,

and seeing what the hell is going on.

im thinking to drop it, for a couple of months and let emperor and limit destroyer set in

then i will redo QL from the beginning maybe \

ill think about it.

but i cant just wait without anything happening from the subs, just keep listening and nothing happening

#400

hm, this sounds strange, for me just 1 loop of emperor and im feeling it…

1 Like