You could use a reset. Something to shake up the snow globe. Seems like you’re weighed down by trauma and pressure and the memories of disappointment or loss.
It’s like you’ve forgotten how much everybody is bullshitting out here. It’s not just you. Nobody knows what they’re doing. That’s why everyone talks so much. Narrative density and attentional stimulation block out and drown out the anxiety of not knowing.
On the bright side, we definitely do not need to know. Generally, beyond just surviving, we basically need to find something appropriate to live for and to find some ways to contribute. The rest is mostly BS. Several planet-sized mountains of it.
The problem here is the shame itself. It’s not your life. And it’s also very likely that the shame is self-justifying and self-replicating.
It’s almost like our feeling states are living beings and they don’t want to die; so they’re going to try to find some way, any way, to keep getting fed. Now that your shame has had a taste of living this beautiful life, it’s going to try to find ways to keep on living. If tomorrow you somehow decided that it was your shoes that make you a bad person, Shame would be like “…uhhh…(shoes?)…uhhh (okay)…yeah! yeah, sure! Exactly. That’s what I was trying to tell you the whole time! It’s because of your shoes! They make you horrible! That’s why you should keep feeding me!”
It doesn’t really care what you’re ashamed about. As long as it gets fed. Then once it gets a little stronger by being fed, it puts more of that ‘shame charge’ onto you, so you feel it even more strongly. This then makes it even easier for it to get fed some more. In our subjective worlds, feelings seem to function as evidence for themselves. (‘I feel this so strongly; so how can it not be legitimate?’)
I’m assuming here that you haven’t conducted any genocidal campaigns or spent your leisure time dreaming up new and innovative ways to spread suffering among the other life-forms here on planet Earth. If that’s the case then ignore the above points and have at it, because you should be ashamed. But it rather sounds like you are feeling shame for having had bad days and for having experienced self-doubt and discouragement. Do those really warrant shame in your opinion?