Breaking Down the Walls

[Fractal_Explorer]

Got my custom yesterday, super hype to run it. But I’m easing into it with 1 loop for a week and then bumping it up if I feel I can take more. Anyway, for anyone that didn’t see the post where I broke it down, here’s what I’ve got.

CORE SUBS
Ultimate Artist Q
StarkQ Core

HEALING
Blue Skies
Gratitude Embodiment
Energetic Development XI
Negative Energy Transmutation
Unlimiter

SUPPORT MODULES
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
Pragya
Omnidimensional
The Merger of Worlds

MANIFESTATION
Jupiter
Current Invoker
Tyrant
Financial Success Reality Shifter

GENERAL PERSONALITY ENHANCEMENT
Joie de Vivre
Rogue
Temptation
Sexiness Unbound
Productivity Unleashed

Ran 1 loop today and feeling a lot more anger inside me. And I know why. I’m sick of telling myself I’ll stand up for myself, but then I’m too afraid to do it. Too much people pleasing. Way too damn much people pleasing.

I’m tired of using the excuse of seeing the good in people as a way to avoid standing up for myself. Some people are always gonna suck and I don’t want to deal with the mess of bullshit I’ve constantly run into in the past where I accept the abuse because it’s easier. No more staying in situations that suck because I’m too afraid to move on. The amount of misery I put myself though is staggering and it could all be avoided if I just stopped caring what others think so much. Hence the inclusion of Rogue in my modules. I just look at my past and see now how I justified the horrible behavior of other people. Maybe I subconsciously felt I deserved it, I’m not sure. What I do know is I’m not gonna take it anymore.

But overall I’m sick of the way my life is going. I kept telling myself for years its was “ok”. Or worse that I was being entitled and anything more than this was me being ungrateful. I guess at a certain point in life it stopped being ok for me to express how I felt about the world and my place in it.

This journey with this custom sub is gonna be so much more than achieving some goals out in the world. It’s about taking back my freedom and control of my own life. It’s about not just understanding, but embodying the principal of being the most important thing in my own life. When things compromise my own mental or physical health and putting up boundaries so I can say no. It is NOT about suppressing my own needs so I can perform some basic unfulfilling tasks in the world to survive. I’m not some human resource to be exploited and disposed of and I know plenty of people want to treat me like that.

[khan]

Enjoy the journey.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Maybe too early to tell and I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but Blue Skies seems pretty great.

Today I had this thought pop into my head. “You can’t give to others what you yourself don’t have”. I’ve had issues with love for a while. I don’t know at what point it got difficult for me, but I know it wasn’t always like this. I’d feel really bad about it, but rarely did I look inside myself to see what I was missing.

[James]

@Fractal_Explorer Reading that makes me happy I included Blue Skies in my custom.In a couple of weeks I may get an extended custom adding in Joie De Vivre , Lion IV , and Total Nonchalance to what I already have. It didnt really hit me until after I ordered my custom that being non reactive , far more relaxed , and just enjoying life is a huge part of my healing journey and working towards the life I want. Im also thinking that if I am relaxed and at ease it will help those around me because even at almost 52 I tend to be a bit hyper. I often joke with my wife that if I am this way at 52 I must have been like a cracked out chihuahua when I was in my teens and twenties

[Fractal_Explorer]

I’m definitely looking forward to seeing everyone else’s experience with Blue Skies. But I really emotionally resonate with that name now that I’m getting a glimpse of how it effects me. It’s like being in a dark and gloomy clouded place for most my life and the clouds finally starting to part. I think you’ll really like it.

I also really relate to what you’re saying here. It’s my belief that those of us who have lived difficult lives have become hyper focused on the problem. The problem with that is it’s a narrow tunnel vision that blocks out overall enjoyment. Even when good things happen they are seen as temporary and the actual state is suffering. We can forget how, get caught up in past trauma, or keep landing in situations that hurt us further. Redefining our perspective of life in general is so important if we weren’t lucky to grow up with positive situations that fostered growth in the right direction.

I can’t speak for everyone but personally I have been stuck in a cycle of re-experiencing pain over and over. My reality was pain and suffering. I didn’t know anything else. I’m starting to feel like I’m actually breaking out of this loop. And I for the life of me can’t figure out why it was so difficult to do prior to this. I literally couldn’t do it. Something always stopped me. Like an invisible or unseen force. At this point I don’t even think it was fear of the unknown. It just felt like I was stuck in a traumatic loop. Energetic damage maybe, not even in the physical plane like my mind tried to approach it from.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Just a small thing, but I’m really happy I’m picking up on this stuff this early into my journey.

The past few days I’ve been burnt from work. I’d come home and cook. Then I’d get the urge to watch TV or something. I didn’t have the energy to work on music. So I asked myself what productive thing could I do that wouldn’t be too mentally demanding and would support my music goals? I ended up going through lessons on this piano course I never finished. Just 1 or 2 nothing crazy, but I traded watching TV and relaxing for relaxing and learning more music theory/piano. Which is 1000 times better and made me feel good. I didn’t have to force myself or push myself to do it, it just happened because it was the better decision for me.

And this one seems silly but I never do stuff like this. I made a list of all the music related improvement stuff I haven’t started/finished as a checklist in google keep. I also organized my whole Google keep with labels lol. I have random ass philosophical musings I put on there or clip from books I’ve read, but it was a mess. Long story short I HATED lists with a passion. Anything organized or structured filled me with anxiety. But getting it all out of my head and breaking it down into smaller goals frees up mental real estate.

My brain just seems to be working so much more efficiently. Whereas before I was all or nothing. I’d tell myself finish a whole track, finish a whole course, design a bunch of sounds for your library,etc. It got so overwhelming I just wouldn’t do ANY of it and then I felt like crap. But now I do anything no matter how small because I know it adds up in the long run.

This custom sub is magic lol. I have never had so much effortless change in my life. I’m so curious what 2 loops a day will bring. But I’m going to stick to one for the sake of having more info on how it effects me.

Part of me thinks I’m just in a hyped up period and I’m exaggerating how it’s effecting me. But for just 2 days of listening so far I’m impressed. Trying to keep a level head about it all, but it’s hard. Especially when you’ve tried to change for years and repeatedly ran into a brick wall.
@SaintSovereign and @Fire this tech is unreal seriously well done job.

[King]

Looks like Productivity Unleashed must be working a lot on you.

[Fractal_Explorer]

It’s funny cuz I almost didn’t include it. Man I’m glad I did. I really needed it.

[Lion]

@Fractal_Explorer - can relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed. I want to do a lot and then end up doing nothing. Am glad I licensed Productivity Unleashed (not yet done Build). Will definitely be needing it too.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Felt inspired yesterday and started messing around with a new track. The new modular synth I got is amazing. As close to hardware as I can get in a computer without a doubt. I won’t go into the specifics because it’s quite a rabbit hole, but long story short most soft synths are not playable to me. Meaning they fail to capture the crucial micro timing of frequencies. It’s just a flaw in how most developers implement things and only a few of them seem to get it right. Massively frustrating. Some people will say what I hear is placebo, but it’s definitely not. It’s just a very under looked aspect of synth design in computers. What I’ll say is possible is that some people don’t have a perceptual awareness of it. Similar to people who have a more refined palette for food. But for me I know how important it is to the overall impact of the music. Especially with how easy this track is coming together now that I have something that performs to my expectations.

Also I was in a group chat with a few people that my buddy invited me to for music in general. One of the guys was looking for feedback on a track he did. So I gave him a minute by minute breakdown of stuff that was good and stuff that could use improvement. And in the end what I said helped him out and his revision sounded really good. I don’t do that often because I don’t feel the quality of my own work justifies advice. I know a lot of foundational principles that beginners tend to get wrong having been through a ton of them myself. But I have massive imposter syndrome when it comes to all of it. Still it was cool that the advice I have actually helped him quite a bit.

Moving on from that. Definitely experiencing reconciliation. It couldn’t be smooth sailing and I knew it would come eventually. Definitely not knocking me on my ass though or making me inactive so far. Just sort of existing in a state of being productive while simultaneously feeling a low grade sadness/hopelessness. Trying not to power through it too much. I know how important it is to stop and look within sometimes to address blockages. As important as outward action is, you can’t just ignore things and keep pushing and hope it eventually disappears. There’s definitely a balance between internal digging and action. In the past that was pretty skewed for me with too much self reflection bordering on broken record loops that led to no action.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Yup couldn’t hide from it forever. I feel something getting worked on in the background that I have to acknowledge fully.

I think I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve been a loner for a lot of my life. It’s becoming more and more apparent to me while running these subs that it wasn’t necessarily a choice on my part. I just don’t trust easily. I don’t like sharing my innermost thoughts, but ironically that’s the only way I could ever bond with anyone. Even with my parents, I feel like my relationship with them should be closer but it’s not. But I think a lot of it is just projection of my own internal sense of lack of love into the people around me.

Something as simple as emotional validation, it just makes me feel weak as a person and like I shouldn’t need that. I mean should we seek validation from ourselves as much as possible? Absolutely, but once in a while if it happens outside of ourselves it’s not like the sky is gonna fall. It’s always these very small human flaws that I have a tendency to magnify into some perceived defect in my character. I guess this falls into the Blue Skies goal of loving oneself. You can’t just love one desirable part of your being, you have to love all of it.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Didn’t think I’d be able to pick up on the modules this easily, but it’s interesting how I can pick them out.

Unlimiter is definitely having an impact. The whole questioning of how I’m living my life. Why am I living it like this? Based on something someone told me years ago? It’s not fact, why treat it as if it is? Instead of battling to create a change I’m digging into what has me chained. Nobody is forcing me to live this way, the only reason I am is because I’m holding the perspectives and beliefs of individuals I’ve encountered in life. Intense questioning, trying to break down that illusion I’ve created for myself. I can feel myself getting closer and understanding my energy that was so often expended in the past was because I was trying to do things when my base programming was automatically going in a separate direction.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Was listening to the electronic group Telefon Tel Aviv and it hit me like a ton of bricks how undeveloped my own music is still. But it also got me thinking about how much unnecessary pressure I put on myself to get there. If I can’t enjoy the journey I’m always just gonna be anxious and too worried about every track I write being “good enough”. My goal with the music should really be centered more around enjoyment vs being some super creative unique artist. There’s always a weird fear in me that I’ll just be average, never standing out, just another bland musician in a sea of others. That I’m deluding myself into believing I have some innate creativity for this when really I just suck.

Other than that reconciliation hitting hard. Feeling like the only motivation to actually do my job at work is to not get fired and be able to financially support myself. Which isn’t good. Those aren’t good motivators, which means I need to seriously look into leaving for my own mental health.

Sliding more into that idgaf mentality. You know when people try to shame your work ethic or guilt you into giving more for a company you work for. Not gonna work anymore, I don’t feel bad about not sacrificing my own health for the sake of a company. They want unending loyalty but they would can me in a second if they needed to.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Feeling pretty low, the track I was working on fizzled out. I came back to it and realized the parts weren’t working. In the moment it seemed like it was great. This always happens to me. I can never really get good ideas right off the bat, they always need refinement. I know there’s something good here, I just need to find it. But I know it’s wrong because there’s this gnawing sensation that something isn’t right. Maybe it’s reconciliation too. Idk.

Anyway, had a massive headache yesterday that put me on my ass so decided to take a two day break from the sub. It was about time anyway. Going to up it to two loops and see how I feel after.

Bunch of shit happened at work and on top of the headache I was basically non functional yesterday. Everything was just absolute shit timing. And then today I got a message that someone spilled water on their laptop and needed a replacement. Then someone wanted me to import data for them tonight so I can’t even enjoy my time off from work today. And I have to go back into my office for the next two days to fix a computer that’s acting up.

Just fuck all this shit. I’m so damn tired. The rate at which things massively blew up in my face in just two days does not seem to be random. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Not a positive post today but fuck it. Not really in a positive mood right now.

[Fractal_Explorer]

So everything miraculously solved itself today. The laptop that had water spilled on it had a detachable keyboard so it could still function as a tablet. I had the person using it like that until we can order a replacement. The other laptop that was having issues worked fine. I sat down at the office to check my emails and it was the first thing I got. I had done a lot of troubleshooting the day before and maybe a clean reboot that finally went through and applied the changes fixed it. Managed to solve everything that needed to be solved on site so I don’t have to go in tomorrow which I am immensely happy about.

However the few people I saw at the office I immediately had my social anxiety ramp up. So I’m not there yet. Either that or this place is too much of anchor for past emotional states and now it’s become a trigger. Had the VP make a comment about me needing a haircut soon, said jokingly. I’ve been letting my hair grow out more because I’ve always liked having longer hair. Clean cut has just never been for me. And I feel more attractive with longer hair. The joke kind of rubbed me the wrong way because it seems like people still have very narrow definitions of what’s acceptable in society. Like men always needing to have short controlled hairstyles. What’s deemed “professional”. All such bullshit. I should be able to dress or present however the fuck I want, honest to god sick of people who want to dictate how everyone else looks or acts. Like I get if it’s customer facing and you have to fit some pleasant image that doesn’t offend or jar narrow minded people who freak out at anything that doesn’t fit in their neat box. But I work with computers all day, how I look or dress in no way impacts my abilities to get my job done. Yeah I don’t fit into office culture, not this one at least. I kept trying to conform in the past and try to blend in more, but now I’m just gonna go the opposite way. Fuck this shit. Quarantine has further cemented into me how utterly fucking stupid most expectations in society are and why they are upheld for no reason other than it’s always been a certain way. The mentality drives me up the wall.

So yeah I really want to get to a point where people start hating me because I’m unapologetically myself and I don’t bend to what they expect or want. And I laugh it off or don’t give a shit. I’m sick of suppressing myself or always trying to blend in to gain approval. I’ve always stuck out a bit naturally and I’ve been trying to fight that for years thinking i was somehow wrong. But now I just really need to lean into it and own it because I think that’s what’s going to set me free the most.

[Magneto]

I resonate with everything you said. Beautiful.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Moved up to two loops today. Immediately noticed my ability to ignore or not act on things has gone down. It feels a bit uncomfortable because I know I’m being pushed towards things I need to face, but at the same time I don’t feel the need to shut down completely.

That was the biggest insight today for me. The part inside of me that doesn’t want things to change or to face new things is what holds me back. But it’s not something I need to overcome, like I mistakenly believed in the past. Rather this piece of me is showing me what I’m afraid of and I have to face those fears with it together. Coming to terms with the fact that, yeah deep down I’m afraid of a lot. I just am. The reconcilliation is bringing those parts into awareness and integrating them so they don’t exist as this invisible force that halts progress. For me it’s always been hard to admit I’m afraid. When I dealt with crippling social anxiety as a teenager I blamed it on anxiety, some chemical imbalance, or that it just existed to make my life difficult. I never fully acknowledged the part of me that was absolutely terrified and felt vulnerable. Never gave myself compassion or anything, I’d just kick and insult myself for being a weak person and feel horribly ashamed of the stupid shit I was afraid of and how I sucked interacting with people.

I feel like I’ve said it before, but I’m definitely tired. I wake up tired, I finish work tired, it never feels like I have much energy to get things done. I’m starting to realize it’s because of these suppressed fearful aspects of myself that manifests as a low grade chronic anxiety that kills my energy. So the question becomes what can I do to make my life easier? What outside events am I letting effect me that diminishes my quality of life? I can’t live in a bubble or just hide from everything that makes me anxious. That’s been my go to coping strategy for years now and it’s made me miserable. I have to learn to live in the world without letting the world effect me. Like I said before the module Rogue is very important to my goals, I feel like for as long as I can remember I’ve had these hooks in me that just weigh me down with constantly worrying what others think whenever I present as my most authentic self.

It’s been a hard habit to shake. So when people recommend not caring what other’s think. Yeah maybe for someone that hasn’t had a pathological obsession bordering on a paranoid ocd like behavior for years. Instead of setting myself up for failure and trying to go full badass don’t give a fuck mode. I’m recognizing these are longstanding habits and there’s going to be a lot of ups and downs. Any improvement is good and any slip back into old habits is expected and not a sign of failure on my part because I’m dealing with a beast of an issue.

[Fractal_Explorer]

So I’m thinking about putting aegis for one loop a day, but I didn’t include mosaic. Not sure how much of a problem that will be. Honestly when I created the custom I felt alright about covid and how it was under control. Didn’t really continue to feel the need to listen. But we’re probably headed for a second wave here in the US. The politics surrounding it are ridiculous. What irritates me the most is a whole bunch of people collectively deciding that we’ve done enough and it’s time to get back to normal. As if because you’re tired of the virus it just goes away and stops being relevant. I understand how much of a mental strain it’s all been, but I feel like in some sick way the novelty of it wore off.

But my point is. I don’t like how the government is trying to flip this around and weasel their way out of taking care of the people. Having trouble with employment, struggling financially, and not receiving help. These are all things that shouldn’t be happening.

[Fractal_Explorer]

I had the most bizarre contemplative experience yesterday. Felt like sharing.

I was outside after work in my yard just hanging out while I let my cats stretch their legs. I moved to a corner of the house and saw a moth caught up in a spider web trying to escape. I was going to free it, but then I considered the spider losing its source of food. If I did free that moth I’d essentially be playing god and intervening in a natural process. So it got me thinking about predator and prey type stuff. How as humans we’re told we’re above that or people want to believe we’re “better”. But realistically are we? I know for me I could break this whole moth stuck in a web down into a metaphor. Which I did in my head, so I guess I’m gonna write about it now as it relates to humans.

If I’m the moth or if anyone else is, you fly around relatively free with autonomy. The web that can ensnare you is the equivalent of putting too much importance in what other people tell you or insist you need. The spiders are those in power that weave those webs to catch you. Difference being humans in power don’t eat you. But I’d like to think if they could and immediately achieve more power or wealth they probably would. In a way they do eat you though, they drain you of money, your life force, your sense of identity. It can be a slow process dragged out over the years as they slowly kill you. The important thing to note is this is ONLY if you end up in the web. It’s not like the world is one giant web that leaves you screwed. But similar to a spider web it’s not exactly as easy as just hopping off it once you’re ensnared in it.

This is the kind of stuff I think about sometimes but don’t really say out loud because it can be seen as pretentious or trying to be deep. But I’m not thinking of this stuff for the sake of appearing a certain way. I’m contemplating the structures we live in. For the longest time I wanted the world to be a certain way and I thought if I just focused enough I could make it that way. I’m starting to think there are things that just “are”. And what I mean by that is the only way to not be a part of it is to detach yourself from it. It exists in reality as a collective framework of experiences and people want you to buy into it. But you don’t have to. However, you have to see the web before you can avoid it. Flying around aimlessly in ignorance just assuming there’s nothing there that’s going to harm you or work against you is foolish.

This is the kind of stuff that seems important to me. It’s the script that directs the play. Everyone wants you to be in the play, but you have no interest. But they won’t stop bugging you. First being nice, then a little bit pushy, then maybe aggressive and insulting you because you won’t obey their demands. There’s a lot of unseen pushing and pulling that goes on in the world, I want to understand that more because I’m not content with just sailing one direction and unconsciously being manipulated into something I don’t want. Life should be about freedom for me. This is probably the Current Invoker module in effect. But also this is the exact thing I read about pendulums in Reality Transurfing. I never bought into that concept because to me it represented things more powerful than myself in the universe and I didn’t like that. But I get it now. Just because I don’t want it to exist doesn’t mean it’s not there. Better to know the enemy than be blind to it.

[Fractal_Explorer]

De-cluttering and cleaning my place these past two days. Looking back on how messy and dirty it got in the past, it wasn’t because of laziness. It was definitely depression. When your life feels like shit, who cares about some dust piled up in the corner or a dirty bathtub? But living in that kind of environment does make mental health worse because I feel guilty for letting it be that way. So I’m better off cleaning and doing what I can so I’m not surrounded by something that serves as a constant reminder of how messed up I am at times. Cats destroyed this carpet in this rental property, apparently was an expensive rug. Feel like a real asshole for that happening, but they pretty much did it while I was at work. Pets make it almost impossible to not have stuff get messed up.

I’m also trying to condense my belongings and prepare in a way that makes moving easier when I eventually do. Moving sucks, but it sucks even more when you’re moving a ton of shit.

Ugh I feel my living environment is as chaotic and unkempt as my mental landscape. I cleaned up my DAW workspace yesterday because just having tangled cables was irritating me. I’m both irresponsible with my living space, but at the same time I can’t help but feel I basically grew up with no energy to maintain this stuff so never built up any habits.

Trying to do a little bit here and there vs “cleaning days”. Having dedicated cleaning days I tend to have resistance to because it feels like a waste of time. Sometimes I feel like I’m not an adult in any way with my habits.