So with the ghosting: When I was dating a lot, I noticed a number of women didn’t show up for the second, third, or fourth date. I got curious about why. I managed to follow up with about 20 to 30% of the ones who ghosted. There were two major themes. At about the time they ghosted on me, either there was a lot of chaos/drama in their lives, or there was about to be a lot of chaos/drama in their lives.
Now for first dates: I’d find a part of the city that had five or more dating type places within about five blocks of each other. Large house renovated into a coffee shop. A small local vegetarian restaurant. A small theater that showed second run and classic movies. A video rental shop that had hundreds of props from well known movies (so it was like a museum). Etc.
What I’d do is schedule 45 minute first dates with each woman, and two dates each night. The 45 minute time limit was only for first dates.
So if the one I planned on meeting at 7 pm didn’t show, that was okay. I had another one scheduled who might show up at 8 pm, and plus I got to hang out in a cool area of town. (Usually, one would show up.)
If the one I planned on meeting at 7 pm showed up, then at 7:45 pm I’d say I had to go. I’d walk her to her car, say good night, and then walk a block or two to meet the other one I planned on meeting at 8 pm at another venue. By doing this, I always had plenty of time to get to the next one I had planned on meeting that night.
If the one at 7 pm showed, and then the one at 8 pm showed. Great. I always ended the date after 45 minutes though (7:45 or 8:45, even if she was late).
I scheduled first dates like this because it quickly became obvious that the ghosting was wasting my time, and it was important to find women who could organize their lives and discipline themselves to actually show up. And if she ghosts because thinks she found a better offer, rather than keeping her word with me, then if I couldn’t rely on her to simply show up at a certain place at a certain time, then how could I rely on her for something more complicated, or trust in her ability to stay loyal to me?
So I considered the topic of ghosting as a very easy test for her to pass. And if she can’t pass such an easy test, then I don’t want that in my life. It became a focus to simply find reliability and loyalty. I know, sounds like a short, simple criteria, but you might be surprised.
It also became obvious that there were women who were very capable of showing up on time and keeping their word. There were also times when a woman ghosted, but then immediately contacted me apologizing with a reason that was legitimate with an offer to make amends.
Here is my most memorable one: there was a woman who I was telling where the coffee shop was. Her reply was “Yeh, yeh, yeh, I know.” (Which should have been my first clue.) I went to the place at the right time. She didn’t show up. I left after 20 minutes to another part of town. Met another woman, and went out with her that night. When I got home, there were flowers at my door with a letter of apology from the woman who flaked earlier that evening. (Apparently in an effort to make a good impression on me by refusing to listen to my directions, she ended up at another coffee shop across town and realized it when she got there and saw the name of the place was different than what I had said.)
So I also thought of dating and scheduling as a matter of having an internal locus of control rather than an external locus of control. To be strong and independent, instead of thinking of myself as a victim to others’ actions. I could spend my time deciding and planning how to find reliability and loyalty; or I could sit there and feel helpless and think I was at others’ mercy by negatively thinking such thoughts as “women are just so flakey and fickle”.
I hope this helps @ABC333
In terms of titles, I think @SaintSovereign had a profound point. If they ghost, they might be doing you a favor.
Okay, you want a title. I don’t know if there is one. I’m tempted to say WB. But what about healing? KB and DR might be heavy-duty, industrial strength programs, but are you ready for them?
What are your thoughts?
