Wanted, AM, Regen & Elixir

Journals - Major Programs
#34

A quick note on Wanted.

My body is looking more symmetrical. My physique has more flow to it. For lack of a better term, It looks more pleasing to the eye.

One thing I have noticed. My jaw is imbalanced.

I always take photos with my right side facing the camera because I always saw it as my “better side.”

When I took photos on my left, I was always put off.

And now I know why. It’s the asymmetry. I predominately chew my food with the right side of my jaw.

So no wonder. Going forward, I’m going to chew my food with my left side. I might even grab some mastic gum and start doing mewing; who knows.

#35

September 29, 2021

Played 1x Elixir this morning and will play Wanted (solace) 1x and AM 1x

Today was a good day. Little to no recon present.

Still a lot of pondering.

Following the theme of habits. I asked myself; how did I quit weed so easily.

I smoked for 3 years, lots of it. I really used it to escape my feelings, escape my reality, to forget who I was.

It was a terrible habit I had. But it had such a strong grip on me. It made me feel like it was helping me in some strange way. But the whole time, it was really ruining my life. Stockholm Syndrome at best

Reason I thought about this, was because I’m trying to find some common themes. I’m trying to find what exactly caused me to put it down for good.

Maybe it was the pain/pleasure scale that changed directions. Instead of blaming all of my problems on other factors, I tied it to weed.

Learned about the benefits of quitting weed, and made my decision.

But I think there is something more because I really enjoyed being high. How could I give that up so easily? How could I so quickly decide never to touch it again?

And how can I apply this to quitting porn, or other bad habits like procrastination.

That’s all for today

Until tomorrow

-Mat

#36

Hey Mat, I’m seeing you’re kinda like me in that you’re a total self-help junkie that loves to procrastinate and stop when the motivation ends (and it ends quite quickly). As for me I like planning these huge, big goals that sound amazing on paper but when I execute them it falls flat because there’s too much inertia to just do everything at once. And I know that I should do one habit at a time but I just want to do everything at once because I feel the need to catch up! Now I’m not where I want to be yet, nor am I anywhere close. I will say that at least for now, I can say that I’m making progress I’m happy with even if it’s not fast as I’d like.


You might want to look into the concept of a Non-Zero Day, I’ve found it really useful for myself. I’ve been procrastinating heavily for years and this has been the thing to push me forward, ever so slightly. It’s a long post (and you should read the OP post too) but I think it’d be worth it for you, just like it has been for me and so many other people. Maybe give it a try and allow yourself to accept that even just one small movement (like one pushup, one minute of work, one minute of meditation) is enough to jump start that process to lubricate those wheels. Eventually as you start to get moving you’ll pick up speed and you will thank yourself for it.

Also I’d definitely read Atomic Habits as per your recommendation, sounds similar to the concept advocated for here too.

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#37

Awesome, thank you for the recommendation!

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#38

Today was interesting

The first half of the day was pretty normal.
The afternoon was a little different.

The overall mood was great; it’s Friday, and I’ve been sticking to my nightly habits.

Journaling (almost) daily, Reading atomic habits, doing my exercises for the goodfella south of the border :wink:, and meditating before bed.

Also still working through the quit PMO course.

So I started thinking about the past again. And a few things came up.

This girl I was wheeling. I was thinking about her today.

And how that situation was a major contribution to my downfall back in high school.

So I was trying to remember how we broke things off. And I remembered that I had told someone we were dating when we weren’t.

She then asked me about it over text. I said maybe it was a miscommunication.

Then we broke things off.

I was hung up on her for years. Honestly, I was still until today.

See, when I work I can’t listen to music. So I sing songs in my head.

Chris Brown has always been one of my favourite artists. So I was singing a bunch of his songs today.

Loyal Chris Brown - Loyal (Official Video) ft. Lil Wayne, Tyga - YouTube

This was what I was singing for a while; then I got to thinking about how many dudes are out here simping for promiscuous females.

Then started singing other songs, which began bringing back memories. Ones that made me think of the past. The ugly stuff mostly.

So as I noticed, these songs were bringing up memories that had been buried. I was connecting dots.

So I commanded my subconscious to play a song. A random song.

I waited… 10 seconds later
Rock you like a hurricane comes in blasting : Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane (Official Music Video) - YouTube

Then it hit me, (like a hurricane)
This girl started wheeling another guy as soon as we stopped seeing each other. Then a few weeks later was with some different dude.

She was also texting lots of dudes when she was with me.

So then, upon realizing this, my mind switched songs back to Loyal: “THESE Censored AIN’T LOYAL, WOAHHH THESE Censored AINT LOYAL.”

Then I cracked the biggest smile and just started laughing.

I was hung up on a promiscuous girl. It took me five years to realize that as beautiful as she was, I couldn’t make a promiscuous girl a housewife.

I was trying to give her love. I was trying to make her mine. But she didn’t want it.

I even thought back to the times we hung out. And she was always boring. She had nothing to say; she was always on her phone, texting other dudes.

The only time she was fun was when we were drunk. That’s when we had our magical connection. But sober… nothing.

I cannot believe it took this long to come to this realization. Wow…

And just like that, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I’m free now; I don’t care anymore.

I made peace with my past today.

A few weeks back, I was on a camping trip with some old friends.

And out of nowhere today, I remembered another camping trip we had in 2017. (Which was the same year this all transpired)

They told me I was a wreck. Drunk, crying, sad etc. I told them a bunch of stuff about my situation.

And I had no idea; I was blackout drunk. But when they mentioned that to me, I grew nervous at the time. “Omg, what did I say? How did I not know this WTF”. Then I grew more paranoid.

I thought: “If I don’t remember this, then what else did I do that I don’t remember from back then. I could’ve drunk texted her or something else stupid.”

But now, it doesn’t matter. I was hurt. And everyone has wounds. After all, I am human.

So I forgive myself. If I ever hurt others, and I forgive everyone that ever hurt me.

The past is gone. I was young, my intentions were good. If I f*cked up fine. It is what it is. I can’t control the past.

I can’t even control the future…

I can only control the present.

Till next time

  • Mat
#39

:point_up:

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#41

Ah yes, my apologies SC.

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#42

Thank you for the editing above.

Regeneration can bring these things to the surface.

Now at some point, I would encourage you to think about getting DR and WANTED.

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#43

Thank you, I’ve actually been running Wanted for about a month now. I just don’t know how to change my journal’s title. Perhaps I’ll open a new one to update the playlist.

But yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about running DR for a while now.

As much as I want to move onto bigger titles like StarkQ, I think dragon reborn would really help me build a solid foundation.

#44

Just type what you want to change your journal title to and I can change it.

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#46

“Wanted, AM, Regen & Elixir”

Thank you :slight_smile:

#47

October 3, 2021

More partying last night. It was a house party.

What was weird was the girl who lives there left to see her boyfriend. So we were at her house, turning up without her.

It was a strange party. The girls were all on their phones, constantly going upstairs to “talk.”

The boys and I were kind of confused and bored at times.

One of them even left early.

What was cool is my cousin showed up with an old friend of mine. I was so happy to see her. It was cool to catch up with her.

They left early, too, because they had the stuff to do this morning.

After the girls finally came back down. We were in the family room jamming out to music. My sister and I were singing and dancing together; it was lit.

A year ago, I couldn’t even imagine having that much confidence.

Even growing up, my siblings would sing in the car. But not me.

I didn’t sing. My dad even thought I must not like music.

But it was the polar opposite. I loved music; I just wasn’t comfortable singing in front of people. I couldn’t let loose for some reason.

Now that’s completely gone. I’m the guy at the parties singing and dancing all night long. And best of all, I know I look good doing it :wink:

Another realization: I’ve always had this weird disconnect between my brain and my body.

I would often look in the mirror and think, “Who am I?”

I didn’t know who I was. And still don’t to a certain extent. Theirs this weird disconnect; it’s hard to explain.

If someone were to ask me, “tell me about yourself.” I wouldn’t even know what to say.

I’m not a specific thing. As a matter of fact, growing up, I was a whole lot of things.

I played hockey, skateboarded, snowboarded, played tennis, did gymnastics, soccer, running, baseball, rugby, skimboarding, bodybuilding, etc.

I love music, dance, art, writing, travelling, camping.
I used to love toy cars and was obsessed with Spider-Man growing up.
I have and have always had a broad range of interests.

But now, if you ask me, “what do you do?”
It’s like… well, I don’t know.

I work, come home, go on my phone, eat, go back on my phone. Grab a cup of chamomile tea, Read, meditate, then go to bed.

Like BORING.

I always joke about it too. If someone asks, what do I do for fun?
I say nothing; I don’t like fun. I’m boring. (In a joking manner)
Maybe throw in a little more flavour sometimes too.

“I eat, play chess, then it’s bible study time. After that, I’m in bed by 8:30.”

(I play that “angel archetype” cause I’m naturally a nice guy, but also a bit of devil in disguise hehe😉)

But yeah. Other people would find me boring. Self-help/improvement isn’t appealing to most.

Yet, despite my love for knowledge and self-improvement. (Boring stuff)

I struggle with basic study skills. (Also, Boring stuff) All those skills and habits I was supposed to learn in school never stuck with me.

Sometimes I wonder how I even made it through school.
But yeah, just a quick little observation.

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#48

So back to partying:

I was the star of the show last night

When I look back at videos from that night, people took a lot of me; And they all looked good. My moves were slick. I made hilarious jokes, and I looked really good.

We got kicked out at 2:00 because of the host’s younger sister. So we went back to my house (which we weren’t supposed to do)

My parents were out of town, and they told me no parties. And me, I’m a responsible guy. My parents trust me. And I’m usually not the type to break their rules.

But I did that night.

I don’t even know why; I just felt this need to come to a compromise. If I said no, all of them would’ve thought I was lame, and it was also raining outside.

So I said yes, but we need to be quiet. And we thought we were, but it turns out the kitchen window was open, and so was the back door…

So my neighbours came over and told us to turn down the music. They were very kind about it. Said they had young kids, and they were trying to sleep. So, of course, I stopped playing music.

Well, 5 minutes later, bi-law comes up to my door.

I tell everyone to hide in the basement. My friend and I open the door and smooth talk our way out of a $500 fine.

Then I kicked everyone out. That was way too close.

It was kind of cool that I was taking control. I was drunk too. But as soon as I saw the cop car, I was a professional. I was surprised I handled the situation so well and so quickly.

AM is clearly in the details here💪🏽

Quick side note before I conclude this entry:

As broad as my stack may be, it works well for me. I love it. I’m starting to see results. Not just external manifestations but also internal changes.

It feels almost magical. I can’t wait to see how QZP will be. I can hardly contain my excitement.

S/o sub-club, you guys are changing the game. :clap:t3:

That concludes my entry

Thanks for reading

  • Mat
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#49

October 4, 2021

I was really happy today

I had a dentist appointment; my new hygienist is lovely and did an excellent job on my teeth.

I’m looking into teeth whitening methods right now. I drink black coffee, red wine, tea, and smoke the occasional cigar.

So naturally, my teeth always have some stain on them, and it bothers me.

So I have white stripes, and I just ordered a whitening pen with great reviews. So I’ll let you know how it goes.

Back to my day, I showed up to work at 11 and finished at 5, so that was nice. Day flew by

Not just because it was shorter, but I felt almost high today. Theirs just something fresh in the air. I can’t explain it.

Like I’m starting a new chapter. Everything felt different today.

I did play a loop of Elixir this morning, so maybe that was it.

One noteworthy thing about today. When I was working, I was daydreaming a lot.

And I imagined myself running game on girls. I do this sometimes at random. To practise for any future situations.

And today, I was on point. I had quick and witty remarks. The push and pull was there. I could tease and flirt like a pro.

It was cool. I often think I don’t know how to flirt. I wouldn’t know what to say to a girl. But truth be told, I do. I just need to get out of my head. Often, I’m too logical, and that dampens the fun and makes things boring.

And that’s the last thing you ever want to do to a woman…

So weirdly enough, while working… I discovered some keys to being a better seducer.

The power of push and pull, not being so logical, building tension, pausing and using silence to build tension etc., further.

It was something else. Best of all, I wasn’t modelling my behaviour after anyone. It was genuinely me. There was no pretending; it was completely authentic.

Wanted… is that you?

Either that or it’s the one loop I played of PSITU before the party :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

Pretty cool nevertheless

  • Mat
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#50

Yikes, remember the party? Neighbour’s snitched. Exactly as predicted.

I’ll update in about an hour

Wish me luck :hugs:

#51

Good luck :+1:t4::four_leaf_clover:

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#52

Ok, so I just talked to my mom.

Supposedly the music was really loud. To make matters worse, the back door was open, and I had a bunch of windows open too.

So the neighbours came over that night and asked us to turn down the volume as they had a one-year-old who was trying to sleep.

Even our cross-door neighbours could hear it. They texted my mom and told her about it.
So that’s how she found out.

I’m kind of pissed off. Not because I got caught, but because I didn’t listen to my heart.

I remember thinking of all the excuses I could use, different ways to play this down etc.

But a voice inside said, “Tell the truth.”

Literally, that’s what I heard.

Honestly, I thought I was going crazy for a moment. Did my brain just talk to me? Am I going schizo?

Of course, I didn’t listen. And as a result, it made things worse. She didn’t even care so much about the party.

She cared that

  1. I disobeyed her
  2. I didn’t tell her the truth upfront

Basic stuff, I’ve been through this many times before. Worse of all, I know this is what they want.

Honesty

Yet, I still thought I could think my way out of this. That I could outsmart everybody, and everything would work out just fine.

But no, it didn’t happen.

And because I lied, I seem even more untrustworthy now.

I swear my brain always gets in the way. It always leads the way for me. Not my heart. My head.

I think this is where a lot of my problems come from.

I’m gonna cut this one short and gather my thoughts.

Peace SC,

-Mat

#53

October 6, 2021

Short update today

Mood this morning was kind of trash. I was tired, felt angry at times. (Going through imaginary arguments with my parents.)

Probably recon.

Afternoon was a little better, but at one point I started getting really light headed and started sweating a bit. Thought I was on the verge of a panic attack honestly.

I think it was because I was holding my breathe. Anyways, I quickly regained my composure.

Toward the end of the day I was in a more social mood. I actually participated in convos instead of just listening.

Made people laugh :slight_smile:

So that was a nice end to my work day

Now I’m drained. Honestly didn’t feel like writing an entry today but a chapter out of Atomic habits that I’m reading convinced me to do it.

The goal is just to just get started.

The goal isn’t to read for 20 minutes, it’s to read 1 page

The goal isn’t to write a huge journal entry, it’s to write a few words about how you felt today

The goal isn’t to do my skincare routine tonight, it’s to walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

Just doing these small tasks, led me to complete my bigger tasks. Despite my low motivation right now.

So bad start, but a good ending to my day

Until next time,

-Mat

#54

How would you summarize your progress for the past 30 days?

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#56

My progress is good. A bit of a roller coaster honestly.

Overall: I feel great. Like I’m growing into a new person. Theirs lots of pain and pleasure. Theirs a lot of uncertainty. Recon hits hard sometimes, but it’s brief. I also have occasional periods of fatigue, which, again, are usually short-lived.

I’ve identified a lot of areas that need improvement

Things like: Get my habits in order, then optimize my learning speed and retention. Identify who I am? What is my purpose? Optimize my style, relationships, money, sex life etc.

I’ll delve a bit into each sub and the themes

Wanted:

Oral care (Using electronic toothbrush, mouth wash, floss, and teeth whitening methods.
Doing length and girth exercises for penile growth. I am supplementing with a multivitamin, fish oil, ZMA, And others.
Washing face daily, moisturizing, shaving regularly. Going to start doing vocal exercises to deepen my voice. I am getting a better feel for fashion. I’m outgrowing old clothes and styles.

My physique is starting to look better despite not training for two weeks now
(I’ve got to get back on that) Also I love looking at myself in the mirror. I almost always strike a pose real quick and just laugh and think…

“Fuck, I’m handsome”:joy:

Regeneration & Elixir:

I’ve identified that I read too much on my phone. Too much mindless scrolling to get that dopamine fix. Too much thinking and not enough action.
Sometimes I even think I don’t know what or how to take action on my goals. Almost like there is some invisible barrier stopping me.
(Could it be limiting beliefs?:face_with_monocle:)

Whenever I start taking action on something new, like growing my IG account or starting a side hustle; I get super bored and go back to procrastinating (reading and learning about what to do or even mindless scrolling)

I’ve also realized that I live in my head too much. Everything bores me. Even when hanging out with friends, the second I get bored, I tune out and start daydreaming or singing along to music, making me feel like an outsider. It’s like I turn invisible; no one acknowledges me; even if I try to say something, it’s like no one even hears what I say.

Then I look at all the other people with the attention on them and think, “I wish I could be like that.” Why does he grab everyone’s attention? What’s he got that I don’t? Why does it come so easily for them? Why does everyone like them and want to talk and hang with them?

I swear I overthink everything. Continuing…

My relationship with my sibling is getting better. We chill together more often. Take more pictures and videos together. We don’t fight anymore which is really cool too.

When I re-read my journals, it’s kind of painful. It isn’t easy to describe. It’s like “yucky.”
I don’t like the vibe I get when reading a lot of them. Perhaps that’s a sign of growth?

I also identified that I’m uncomfortable being the centre of attention. I get self-conscious when everyone looks at me and listens to me talk. I think it comes down to a fear of rejection/ needing the approval of others.
Typical people-pleasing attitude. I adjust my speech and attitude to please everyone around me. And because I can’t fully express myself, I don’t talk often. Again, I just sit back and observe. I’m always the quiet one, and I fucking hate it.

Oddly enough in certain scenarios, when I am the centre of attention, it feels really good. Something inside me lights up. I feel like superman. I get more witty, seductive, social. I bring high energy to the group. (As I’ve been told). My brother says I get everyone hyped when I’m around. I let loose; everyone else lets loose. Sometimes I forget that I’m the oldest there, so naturally, everyone follows my lead.

AM:

I’m getting ideas for my future lifestyle. Like gym routine, what car I’m going to buy, etc.
Spending habits: identifying wants vs needs.
I’m getting more realistic about my financial goals and the timeframe it’s going to take. Along with the steps I’m going to have to go through.

The only negative, I’m losing discipline. Everything was great for about a week, then I moved to my mom’s (Parents are separated), and now it’s gone. It might have to do with my environment. My room is clean at my dad’s but is a mess here at my mom’s.

Know what? I’m going to clean it right now and see what happens. I think it will help me.
Cleanroom, clean mind.

Also, I’ve been feeling a little more anxious than usual. Like my resting heart rate is a little higher than usual. My forehead vein is also showing, which is a telltale sign that I’m stressed about something. Even just going for a walk these past few days, I felt self-conscious for some reason. I really need to get back into the gym. This always seems to happen when I stop working out.

What’s annoying is despite my nervous/ restless energy, I’m feeling sluggish, like 0 motivation to do anything. Another thing is, again, productivity. Completely lacking. I haven’t been doing anything to move towards my goals these past few weekends(At least it feels that way). It’s really frustrating.

Quick note: After re-reading this post, I’m noticing a common theme. It’s almost all thinking. All planning. No real action taking. Just mental masturbation.

Besides going out on weekends and socializing. That’s the only area where the action is being taken consistently. And I am noticing a complete change in my behaviour and the way people react to me. But besides that, nothing. I mean, yes, I’m doing little things for my looks and personal hygiene. Yes, I’m reading my book. But no significant action taking.

Internal changes are very noticeable,
External is a mix. Physically… yes. Actions and habits, not quite. Very small changes.

So yes overall it’s a mixture of good and bad. And at the time of this entry I am experiencing recon so maybe I’m biased towards the negative right now. But it’s alright though, I’m optimistic. Things always get worse before they get better. At least that’s my experience.

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