Day 4 Rest
I’m gonna start this journal now and then edit and add to it later today as more stuff happens.
Results
Woke up to a nightmare that was a reconstruction of things that actually happened, played out in ways that showed me some deep fears that I haven’t overcome yet. This, though uncomfortable, is fantastic news, it means that Wanted is really digging deep into me to push me into what I want to become. After waking up, I was filled with emotions.
I’ve spent the last several hours reflecting, playing on the forums, and journaling, and I’ve had a realization that means something to me, but might not mean anything to other people: nothing can hurt me.
There is a difference between physical pain (sensations) and emotional pain (real suffering). I realized that all suffering, all emotional pain, is self-inflicted. Say I’m boxing a friend, we both want to box, it’s fun, we love it. Let’s say the fight gets out of hand, but we still are having fun. No matter how much physical pain I endure, I’m not suffering because mentally, I want this pain, I want the excitement, it’s fun. So I’m in pain, but I’m not suffering.
Say now that I’m getting slapped around my someone I love and trust and I frame it in a negative way. Now I’m both emotionally suffering and feeling physical pain. Heck, I might even get traumatized even though it might be less physically painful than the boxing match with my friend.
Say a friend is taking the piss out of me. I’m laughing, they’re laughing, it’s fun, we’re bonding and becoming closer. There is no physical pain and there is no suffering.
Say that someone is bullying me. Well, now I’m suffering. Even if my friend and the bully are saying the exact same things, one makes me suffer, one makes me laugh.
So, yeah. All suffering is in the mind, and by knowing this, I now see that the only person who can ever hurt me, is myself. There’s no way for me to avoid this understanding. I hurt myself based on how I interpret, respond, and react to stuff that happens to me. I feel like one of the keys to my personal power is remembering that only I can hurt myself, nothing anyone says or does can ever hurt me. They only give me the knife, it’s me that cuts myself.
Update
Ran Ascension Chamber with 2 goals in mind. Cleared the recon right up and today is going great.