Had to run a couple of errands today and it ended up being a normal notorious Pacific Northwest Fall day. Dark skies, with quite a few black clouds and pissing rain off and on with heavy, essentially mist in between that gets you soaking wet.
I wear some type of waterproof hiking boot this time of year to keep my feet dry. And a jacket with a built in hood just in case.
I’ve mentioned this before, but I think I’m still incredibly thankful and grateful for it, these subs have just diminished most of my PTSD. What little is left is so incredibly manageable it makes me laugh.
To be clear, it’s NOT all from PEACE, although PEACE seems to be working very thoroughly and deeply. I used Dragon Reborn Regeneration for months on end. That was a very wise choice on my part. GLM was a good choice for a bit and I’m really looking forward to getting the essence version in my stack.
Bottom line, there were other titles in play with all this and PEACE is just taking the overall healing to a much deeper level, even though it’s not a healing title. When you suffer from PTSD you suffer with self-esteem. It’s not uncommon for people to over compensate or to simple just struggle with self-esteem.
Lack of self-esteem is not something you really hear about, but it is an issue with every single person that struggles with PTSD, not just those with abuse history. If there is abuse history than it can make it much worse. I was able to overcome it most of the time, but now I fully realize that I didn’t overcome it ever, I just got extremely good at hiding it. There is a major difference.
Taking the bus and being out and about in grocery stores and such would trigger me and sometimes in major ways. I just don’t really get triggered anymore. I really don’t.
Confidence may not exactly be the correct word, but I do feel actual confidence is part of what I’m describing, at least with me. I think a better way to describe what has occured with me is that groundedness is now the base. I feel safe. Grounded. Then I would say that because of a solid base and grounded base that, natural confidence has space to come out.
I’m not silly. I have plenty of street smarts, so I’m not walking around blindly confident and unaware of my surrounding, but my childhood is a big part of that.
Details of childhood lessons of street smarts
I never mentioned it before but my Aunt, from my Mom’s side used to take me on drug runs when I was young. I never have done drugs. I never liked them because I saw the damage that lifestyle does, but I was exposed to all of it at a very early age, so what she was doing with the whole drug thing didn’t seem that out of the ordinary.
I was taken into full out drug dens. In those days these particular dens were heroin dens. It was better than seeing dog fights, but certainly wasn’t a step up, that’s for sure. These underbellies of society is something no one should really be exposed to, but certainly not little kids. The bottom line, I learned deep lessons with street smarts that few can even tell.
I see the tell tale signs of someone getting ready to rob (I haven’t seen it much in a long time thankfully) and I always have a good idea in a store of how to get out safely. Never have had to do it in real life, but it is good knowledge to have. That kind of stuff only adds fuel to the PTSD stuff and that’s why I brought it up. That’s not normal PTSD, but my upbringing added more to the mix.
Now, sure, my mind still works that way, but it’s not adding fuel to the PTSD fire, so to speak. It’s actually good knowledge to have in this day and age. Now it’s just something I notice, something I look at. None of it is a trigger.
I was just going to delete all that but that was all too interesting of why that even came out. I do think PEACE is getting me to the point that I don’t care anymore. I’m not embarrassed by the failings of my family and all their foibles. I was a kid along for the ride and not by choice. It’s part of my history, it does nothing to define who I am.
To get back on point, I’m just not triggered being out anymore. Having to run errands was always a chore. It had to be done for various reasons, but I never enjoyed it. I often despised it because of the PTSD. Now, errands are just something I do. I’m grounded. I’m a lot more balanced. I’m a lot more relaxed. More importantly I’m not amped up or feel drained when I come home.
I still have a lot of negativity, but over time that will change and lessen. I just can’t even say enough “thank you’s” to SubClub to making my life a heck of a lot more normal. It is so nice and pleasant not having to be on edge most of the time and to actually get restful sleep. Meditations now are off the charts awesome too and that only helps to recharge and reenergize.
I’m not going to lie, having to go out and run errands on a day like today would normally have been so draining. The dark skies. Getting wet. Seeing drama out and about in the City. Riding the bus, etc would just be a drain. Today, C’est la vie. Fuhgettaboutit. No big deal.
Dare I say, it was actually kind of enjoyable. Heck, I never thought I’d use words like that for running errands on a dreary day. I’m not saying I’m going to rush out tomorrow and do it all over again for schizt and giggles, but if I had to I wouldn’t look at it as a major negative ordeal that I HAD to do.
Knowing and NOT doing are two different things. I’ve said it before, I’m not an idiot. I know that my previous attitude wasn’t helping things out. HOW do I get out of that attitude. For crying out loud, I knew all kinds of techniques, but they never took hold. Now I’ve listened to some incredible subliminals and I learned how to reframe so much. I couldn’t tell you what I did because it’s subconscious and automatic now and I love it.
I have a couple more washout days left. I’ll wrap up the washout days when I’m finished, but I will say this, what I’m seeing so far overall doesn’t seem earth shattering. If I wasn’t journaling like crazy I genuinely feel I would miss quite a bit because PEACE is so darn subtle in the way it works.
I would have to say I’m starting to see a true pattern of small changes, then settling into them. Another small change and then settling into it. Literally one little layer at a time. Sometimes something quite big and noticeable, but mostly, small, little changes and then integrated into your life.
It’s very easy. Very natural feeling and most of the time, imperceptible. Then it moves on to another area. I haven’t been directing PEACE much either on purpose. I have faith in my subconscious. It knows far better than me on what needs to change first. I truly believe that.
I’ve directed PEACE on certain things. I’ve worked through a couple of areas with knowledge from my previous therapy. I literally have binders of lessons with personal notes to help guide me on working through certain things. PEACE just makes those processes so simple and effective. It’s quite awesome.
I am now seriously thinking about going back to the Buddhist temple I used to go to for services. I used to find a lot of inner peace doing that and also hanging out with like minded people. It helps with the dreary weather also. I think every other week is the sweet spot.
Some of the posts are mini novels too.
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