There are moments in life, when you just don’t know what to do. You often wonder what the meaning is behind all this. You despair every day. Feel lost and vegetate. For some years now, I have had the feeling, that instead of moving forward, my life is only going backwards. No perspective. Only sorrow in the heart and soul. I’ve been through so much. I have survived sexual assault, bullying, manipulation and violence. All this has not made me stronger, but more broken. I don’t trust anyone anymore - not even my fiancé 100%. Every person I met disappointed me deeply.
I was invited by my fiancé. He already bought me some subs like “Ultimate Writer, Sanguine and Love Bomb”. But I have the feeling, that as long as the circumstances are what they are, I simply won’t find peace. Many people around me are resistant to reflection and healing. They constantly expect things from me, but are not regretted about changing anything about their behavior. Of course, everyone is responsible for their own happiness, but if you have people around you, who only demand and are not regretted doing something for a harmonious relationship, I see my chances of success as pretty black.
I don’t trust anyone anymore. Every person I met made sure, that I saw them with different eyes. Because of my depression, I don’t feel a true connection to anyone. Because every person I met, hurt me deeply. I feel alone, betrayed, abandoned and lost. In the meantime, I have developed a real hatred of people, because everyone I met had lied, cheated or manipulated.
I feel like I’m in a prison. Observed, disregarded, rejected and my true being unwanted. I don’t talk so much anymore because I’ve had the experience that people don’t really listen to me. And if they do, then only to make his own suffering known and to disregard mine. I feel so unhappy and I’ve been missing the lightness in my life for a long time.
At night I often have panic attacks. And the thought of ending my life pops up every now and then. I am tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of suffering. Tired of trying to convince people of me. Tired of crying almost every day. I am powerless and broken. I need more people in my life who support me instead of making my life more difficult. And apart from my fiancé, there is absolutely no one in my immediate Environment, that I want to meet. I don’t hate them, but I just can’t stand their presence anymore.
I just want to be alone and hope, that I can survive the next day.
If you find errors in the text, be it grammatically or in the spelling, it is because English is not my mother tongue, but German. Forgive me. But I think people understand my dilemma very well.