Okay, so I’ve perused the subliminals in the shop, and have come to the conclusion that I am going to switch subliminals here. I guess I need to give some back story to make this make more sense.
Firstly, I grew up without a dad really in the picture; my grandfather stepped in, in some ways, but my mother always was jealous of his attention of me, so she made it difficult for that to happen - also, my grandfather passed away when I was 18, so I really did not have any sort of father figure from that time onwards.
Secondly, I’ve already mentioned this, my mother is a narcissist, I believe. I could not put my finger on it for a long time in my life, but whenever I’ve been around her, my life always seems to take a nose dive right into shit land. I’ve studied up quite a bit on narcissism, met others in my life who have had narcissistic parents (and they’ve confirmed my mother is one), read lots of books about the subject, etc.
Thirdly, I was molested as a kid, and got hooked on porn early (the guy used porn to “groom” me I guess you could say). I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues, sexuality issues, porn addiction, etc for the rest of my life.
Fourthly, I have worked through these issues; I’ve been to therapy and even worked on myself using methods such as self-hypnosis, affirmations, etc. I was in a good place in my life, until I needed my mother’s support in order to help me with my daughter, after my wife and I separated. Soon after the separation, she started sicking children & youth onto me, claiming I was hurting my daughter (which I never have done and never would do). My life became a living hell, trying to get more support of my daughter, and fighting 5 yrs in court to get it (which I finally did).
Fifthly, my mother and I now live together (again) in order to be there for my daughter, which I suspect has gone through some similar problems in her young life that I have had to go through (even though I have tried my best to shelter her from this stuff).
Sixthly, Now numerous state agencies are involved, lawyers, advocates for my daughter, special education classes for my daughter at school, as she is just angry all the time and becomes very violent.
To be honest, I’ve had times in my life where I’ve wanted to just die; I’ve thought it’s just too fucking much to handle all this shit…thought I had gotten past all my pain and hurts from my past, but being back in this situation just has driven home how much stuff is not really dealt with at a deep level.
So, I’ve decided to make the switch to Dragon Reborn, because I think this will help me shed all the baggage I’m still carrying from all these deep level traumas I’ve endured throughout my life. I feel that Ascension is bringing things up to me, little by little, but I’m unsure of how to exactly eradicate them from my life, and I’m ready to deal with all this stuff, so that I can be a strong dad for my daughter, as well as start getting away from my mother for good.
I didn’t put all this in my first entry, because honestly, I was not sure Ascension was going to do anything at all. Now, having experienced some really deep shifts within myself, I’m ready to go for the gusto and actually start eradicating all this stuff from my life and being reborn as a healthy and strong man who can help his daughter, without having to fight his own demons in the process.
