A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#141

Welcome (back) to the hell

Back in the shop from hell (for one week only, before the big transfer). It reminds me why I am running away from this utter mind fuck of a hellhole. Impatient, taunting, angry, racists now taunt me from the entrance. The boss is an ungrateful [-----] who makes you feel like shit for even asking her a query. Colleagues couldn’t care less. The whole place is toxic. I’ve tried appealing to everybody involved, catering to their needs, but them ignoring mine, but I can only change me and where I work. At times I feel like I’m in Clockwork Orange being mentally tortured and close to have a mental breakdown.

As drastic as running away with a backpack to another city is, it’s infinitely better than losing my sanity. I can add contributing my little wage packet to family to this impossible situation. I am trapped, I have no peace, drained of all remaining energy and I am done (Having my mother stare at me through a crack in the door is some weird stalker shit too.)

Desperate times and desperate measures.

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#142

Maybe it’s Dragon Fire but I’m noticing a more ruthless streak emerging due to being sent to the shop from hell. A few of the Satan’s spawn as customers tried provoking me into various things (being called a fucking ----- for one) and a banned customer who plays mind games by trying to enter. I ignored them all, they are beneath me. Had to explain a limit rule to a customer (regulator rule from the government) and the customer said “why are you the only person enforcing this rule, nobody else does it?” I said “because they want to take all your money”. This shop turns a blind eye for profit and here comes Mr Too Honest Goody Two-Shoes Whistleblower the lot🤣.

Knowing I’m about to leave gave additional impetus. I came across one of Satan’s children outside work and completely blanked him. I don’t need to please scum ever.

I did get angry at work again, but with less intensity because of wanting to change subs. It’s classic reconciliation but now I feel like an assassin with calm, cold blooded self interest in my wellbeing and my goals. People who look down on me don’t pay my wages or my rent, so they can get bent.

The boss from The Shop from Hell tried to blame me for taking home the keys, when in fact it was somebody else. I get angry rage phone calls from the coworkers and the boss, but no apology for making a mistake. THEIR mistake. I knew for certain they would find the key in the shop, so I cut off all phone calls after work.

Self interest. Empathy can only get you far.

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#143

Well well well… Reconciliation from DR has ended and just adding Rebirth to my stack makes everything fit together.

Right about now, this is the penultimate day working in this city and I cannot be happier to leave this place. At my job I still work hard, do what others cannot be arsed to do, still getting the scapegoat treatment from (my soon to be ex-) boss and go home exactly on time.

But this time, I don’t give a fuck.

No more raging, no more anger, messages and calls get no response from me. Favours get turned down. I no longer feed the hungry vampire customers with their silly childish antics. I’m done.

I’ve noticed those who get criticised in this place respond in two ways: 1) they see it for what it is and leave immediately, or 2) they put up with the treatment and become the scapegoat. I was the second option for a good while, another good friend of mine served for years and never saw it coming until later and suffered badly.

The criticism is unfair and biased but the lesson I’ve learned is not to give away your power to satisfy another person’s projection of their own darkness. Do not feed the trolls. And it works :blush:

One more day and they can all go to hell :fire: Looking North to a much better future.

Must credit Love Bomb Humanity for the ability to not give a massive damn.

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#144

Glad you are growing fast and making progress. You need to create your own business, i was in the same place as you until i started to forge my own path.

The questions remains :

  • why continue to work in an area where you leave feeling frustrated and sucked out of life?

  • Is it your life passion? If yes, can you do it own your own terms?

  • looking 20 years into your future…do you see good things? If the answer is no…immediate action is needed.

Regarding the LFH i am noticing that too, its like everyone should follow their own path and their situations in life its basically their fault.

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#145

One step at a time, although time itself is running out fast. Cannot have both home and work sucking the life out of me anymore.

Stress again in the shop. One customer was waiting, hoping for me to make a mistake whilst stressed in order to receive extra money. At the same time all customers come at once wanting their money. I panicked but this time – I managed to have some control over my emotions. What the customer was looking for was for me to trip up and hand over large amounts of cash and – which thankfully didn’t happen! I feared I had made a massive mistake that would have cost me my job but luckily I had it checked and no major harm done. They sensed I was easily startled and were stirring the pot with insults etc. Waiting to pounce, but I had some kind of circuit breaker stress off switch.

I also said no to a customer’s request for a borrowed item. He kept asking me the reason why I said no. For some reason I was behaving extra firm saying “no I don’t want to give you that item and there is no reason why”.

Am I the asshole for saying no?

He tried to get round my no by persisting:

  • Is it because you’re angry? (I was calm)
  • You must give it to me because we’re the same background (so what?)
  • We’re friends bro! (no we ain’t)

Something simple like that? Maybe but when someone cannot accept no for an answer, There’s some issue going on, but not from me. I have bad manners apparently…

Then a with some hardcore addiction kept staring me out and kept yelling and screaming at the top of his voice how I kept stealing his money, complaining about everything I’m doing, including checking my phone??? Again the circuit breaker stress switch flicked on and it was time for rest.

The Shop From Hell with Satan’s customers in full demonic voice. Luckily that was the last shift I work there. :fireworks::sparkler::tada::confetti_ball:

Following on from this C-PTSD flashback, I’m changing tack, from now on, LBFH is a permanent part of my stack,
with DR/ Regeneration. Custom will need to wait.

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#146

Great decision, your health going away its not worth any sum of money anyone can pay.

That was my turning point, im glad you are thinking in the same pattern.

Also stress enviroments give the body all sorts of traumas ( including baldness, rapid aging, rage issues, heart problems…the list goes on)

People take shit bcs mostly have scarcity mindsets, when they are put in situations like yours and wake up, abundance is inevitable.

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#147

Starting again

I made a clean getaway! I’ve made it! I left the toxicity behind and made a clean getaway North. And it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m now away from both the family and the toxic workplace into a new city, new surroundings and new people and I feel so much calmer!

But the first night was terrible. All of the childhood era abandonment fears came up. I was crying for being put through the hellfire wringer and knowing I’m finally safe. Why did i have to go through backstabbing, being set up, blamed and abused? Why did it have to happen to me? Then I realised – it needed to happen in order to test me to go live out. It was to push me out of the nest and learn to fly on my own.

I’ve realised on day 2 that my real self is starting to show. No, I’m not Hitler and never was. I can now see that I’m a gentle soul with formidable inner strength and deep wisdom. With the Ascension custom I also definitely see how powerful (Ascension), formidable (Fearsome) and self contained I am.

The task ahead is to establish some self love roots and to love myself enough to appreciate and respect what I have been given as a personality. Healing outside the family is going to be interesting. Anyone who doesn’t like the look of me – they don’t pay my wages or my rent, so they can go kick rocks.

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#148

Congrats on moving away and have a new start. I agree that a new environment/slate is very good as now you are free to be whoever you truly are, especially with the assistance of sub.

I like this thought!

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#149

Congratulations von your arrival to North! Now it’s your time!

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#150

Thanks @mecharc! Facing the big wide world is truly North.

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#151

Somehow I’m still happier in my soul in this new city, however that doesn’t mean that I don’t have home sickness. The two places are very similar with a slightly lower standard of living but much cheaper. It made me reflect on my social “level”, it was falsely inflated by not being fully independent and functioning on my own. Now it means I’m up shit creek if it goes wrong, but it won’t. Why? Subliminal Club!

My true level is the “life starter pack” – age 40 going 19. Starting so far back in life, which is my fault for hanging around family waiting for their love. The thought of being truly alone trying to swim and keep my head above water is absolutely terrifying. Thank God I had the foresight to purchase the No More Mr Nice Guy custom (Ascension GLM Primal etc).

It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be - Anaïs Nin

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#152

Some results from Ascension:

Jump on opportunities:

  • Moving to another city with a job
  • Agree to extended work hours
  • Rent a room somewhere
  • Be an adult
  • Have a powerful aura

Coincidences:

  • Met a very nice woman from Manchester who needed my help getting back home on the coach. Turns out she is big on manifestation and had met Joe Dispenza!
  • Met a yogi who could clearly see my bright aura and also my heartache over past relationships

Dragon Reborn results:

  • Much calmer
  • More self pride
  • Finding out what my true North looks like
  • Still a little bit on edge/paranoid when things don’t go smoothly. Need a reminder that I’m not in the previous hell hole anymore

Still things to work on

  • Saying NO
  • Recognising that it really is up to me
  • Cannot assume others will help me out
  • Enough of deferring automatically to others, even if they appear to have more authority
  • Past heartache over two women and family issues
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#153

Im glad you crossed the hidden bridge to the North and made the jump.

We have to be our own fathers, our mind is the most powerfull weapon in the universes.

I did the same exact thing when i was on AM, i even cut the cords with close friends who were gealous or just loosers. We have our life to live, we need empowering people, good vibes, peace of mind and genuine interactions.

Bad times? Thats the fire that ignites your Ascension.

When you have the time check the meditation book of marcus aurelius.

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#154

So this city is feeling more like a place to live, although I haven’t secured a permanent place yet. Recognising that I really am starting from scratch, but a job is the first start, next steps is smash it and look to step up.

Job is going ok, I’ve passed another milestone by going from apprentice to teacher for a young colleague: from my own experience I teach the newcomer the ways of work by demonstrating how to lead responsibly instead of what I received as a learner: suspicion, stealing, backstabbing and being hung out to dry. Anyone being looked after by me gets the Wise Bull treatment – the type I never received. Sometimes you learn to be kind by receiving cruelty.

As I’m still earning survival money I’ll switch to my Ascended Mogul custom (with I AM, Fearsome, Ebon Maneuver etc) because it seems that I’ll need that intimidating edge to my character - folk are a bit more daring here to denigrate your self worth.

Well, it isn’t called Ascension for nothing! Risig up means leaving behind others behind who don’t vibe with us anymore. Probably best thing is they won’t leech off your hard work - the work you had to put in where others never helped you.

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#155

So what to feel now?

Going through the emotions of grief, loss and hope with this new place, but the best thing is I get to do what I want (outside work!). The family structure was never the foundation of my entire existence as an adult - no I won’t starve and die, in fact I’m just fine. My body is already seeing the benefits of being away - it’s shedding a load of weight because there’s no need to constantly defend myself from narcissistic attacks on my very being. The lie given that the Big Bad World will rip me apart like a fresh naive lamb is a complete lie, a much friendlier environment means I can relax, take my time and return when I want without some appointed “superior” looking over and judging me.

What I don’t want is to keep focusing on past healing as it takes extra energy and the goal really should be “the past is gone, take those lessons and keep it moving”.

Turn shit into sugar.
I also want to consolidate the self confidence and status with the ability to make more money. Then artistic creativity should take precedence. Maybe an Ultimate Artist Ascended Mogul custom with Rebirth.

LBFH

  • got a free burger from Tim Hortons!
  • I bumped into a child, then kneeled down and helped the boy back up on his feet, apologised and have him a high five. His mother wasn’t mad, in fact she thanked me and was happy. (Looking for a father?)
  • Overall friendliness

The main takeaway from even LBFH is go where you’re wanted and go where you’ll be treated well. Can’t build confidence under the family regime of narcissism.

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#156

Taken a couple of days off for a washout and reflection as I adjust to adult life. Couple of things that have happened since:

  • Feeling a bit more normal, however the pull of returning to family as the scapegoat is extremely strong
  • Trying to find my own voice as a few other people like talking over me at work.
  • Adjusting to a lower quality of life

The “guru” I met last week was a con artist, unfortunately I gave him the best part of £1000 and now I’m struggling to find a place. I still don’t know why I even did something a s short sighted as that, but people like that prey on people who look lost as I did. I’ll make that money back eventually but I shouldn’t have ever done that.

I’m now using other products in order to directly shift all of this past trauma out of my body that caused me to be a walking target. I’m still learning how to be fully separate but I’m also disappointed in myself and will be taking a mini break from journalling.

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#157

Taking the time off reflect on what happened and receiving a good telling off from a close friend in much the same way that @Fire spoke to @ajuk, I’ve finally recognised that the life I could have is in front of me, not behind, things are NOT as dire and insurmountable as I make out to be and get going and don’t waste any more time doing it. I care way too much about what others think and not enough about where I want to go. I’m identifying too much with being a “victim”.

Living this independent life is very new to me so I need to be gentle with myself and learn to build up myself in order that future plans come to fruition.

Some healing is happening because I feel the new sensation of “love” in my chest. Full of something comfortable that carried me through the day. Is that self esteem? That made me focus
more on myself and not feeling empty and concerning myself on what others are thinking. I have my own worth.

Am I still a soft target? Maybe. Can I fend them off now? Telling a dude high on laughing gas that 'I have to go now’ is a result.

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#158

Can’t grow in mud, bud.

Things are settling down into a regular workday groove. The thing I was most terrified about – work, pay, rent, sleep, relax… is actually a piece of piss. I’m sure there are curve balls being prepared by some higher being but as it stands, I don’t know why I so scared of it. Being stifled in growth leaves a man petrified of life, then you cannot escape on your own.

They say you’re responsible for everything that happens to you, which is (the correct adult answer) but if society expects me to walk upright when parents encouraged me to crawl and fall over? Then what?

I’ve downloaded the store Ascension and in the context of an independent life, it is working it’s early magic. Yes the burden of responsibility was drummed into me since infancy, but the bonus is now I can do I want. Now I want status and maybe choosing to make even more money. Ascended Mogul calling?

Think I’ll consider re-add PCC as telling customers at work to fuck off isn’t very profitable for me or the company :rofl:

Still figuring out how this life thing works, once I do then making bank is my way of saying to the past “fuck off and die, I’m owed riches”.

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#159

Setting down roots

Becoming more and more settled within and I like it. Sure life still happens, receiving insults on the street but the remarkable thing is just how unbothered I am.
What helped a great deal was learning a meditation technique for self confidence that burned away all of my projected negative thoughts about myself. I can’t tap into the usual nervous feeling of insecurity anymore when out and about and that’s a massive result.

Maybe that’s the key to assertiveness? I opened a till for my colleague during my break time (as a favour, yes easy pushover) and the customer was huffing and puffing getting arsey, telling me I should have been logged in before I served him.
Well. That cheeky comment pissed me off. I looked at him squarely in the eye and calmly asked him “are you telling me how to do my job?” He backed down. I ignore him. Another massive result. No Gordon Ramsay style histrionics. It worked.

I’ve also noticed colleagues abandon me at very busy periods but then get angry at me when I take my break. What’s up with that? Still a soft touch? Maybe, but could they cope with what I can cope with? Definitely not.

With the confidence thing sorted, it’s back to Emperor. Ascension has been maxed out, now it’s time to kick ass.

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#160

Met a long time friend who remarked immediately that I’ve lost weight and looked much better. Even though leaving family and moving city took a lot out of me, I selected the words stability and happiness from a deck of spirituality cards.

Still in the current customer facing job, however another opportunity has manifested back in the city I left behind, which is what I ultimately want to do, something centred around arts education.

So the aim for the next couple of months is more emotional and financial stability, being told “you’ll never make it in life” is a load of bollocks - if the rest of society can, i can.

Currently on Emperor custom with all the self defense modules, but I don’t need them anymore. With teaching in the forefront, I’m looking at Chiron because I would like to be one of the best teachers alive, but are there any others that I could add?

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